Anxiety

[Michellinda]

I was feeling so strong and today I feel awful. I keep wishing he would reach out to me and he hasn't today and it hurts so badly. He verbally and physically abused me. Why do I care what he is doing or who he is with? I made the mistake answering his message yesterday and now he's all in my head again after I was being so strong. Why do I still love someone who treated me the way he did. I guess I wanted him to grovel and beg me to go back with him i wanted the opportunity to be like hell no and yes he reached out a couple of times but no apology and was putting the blame on me and all he said was he missed me. Why do I need his validation to make me feel good about myself?

[DarrenB]

That's the thing, you don't need validation, you just simply believe you do.

 

It's easier said than done, but in causing yourself to become more hurt and open to his abuse, you are only boosting his ego and the manner of which he's trying to gain closure and treat you like a pushover; manipulative really.

 

The thing is, why are you letting him contact you? From day one of the inevitable break up, No Contact whatsoever should have been implemented, and should definitely be implemented right now to save any future harrasment from him.

 

Focus on you and what you want. Of course there'll be times where you think he could be different and all that absolute mallarkey. But he has to show and prove that in order to gain what he had lost. Otherwise, it ain't worth worrying about and hurting over.

 

Ultimately, only you can control your feelings and how you feel, not someone who took part in your life as something so temporary and tedious.

 

Better yourself in everyway you can think of, it will be a long road but down the line you will look back on your times of struggle, your times of grieving over someone so irrelevant, and you'll thank your lucky stars it finished when it did.

 

You can do it

[Zahara]

If you chose to stay in an abusive relationship, chances are your self-esteem is damaged. You don't love him because from a healthy mindset, what's there to love about a man that verbally and physically abuses you? You're confusing your toxic attachment to him with love. He's likely conditioned you to accept little to nothing chipping away at your self-worth.

 

You need his validation because you see no value in yourself.

 

A man that abuses you isn't going to apologize for hurting you and if he did it would only be because of motive -- to rope you back in but never from true remorse.

 

So, stop seeking validation from a man who never gave you that from the beginning. Step 1 - block him. There is nothing more he can give nor can you get from him. Step 2 - grieve, work on improving, stay single and build a relationship with yourself.

[Michellinda]

Thank you both for responding. I needed to read these replies so I can snap out of this anxiety and sadness I'm feeling. My mind keeps wondering who he is with and what is he doing. Instead I should be worrying about myself and my well being. Funny how both of your replies make me realize that I shouldn't feel sad I should feel happy he is out of my life. I wasn't happy with him and I felt horrible about myself. I need to block him on everything and be grateful I am done with him. Thank you

[Zahara]

Thank you both for responding. I needed to read these replies so I can snap out of this anxiety and sadness I'm feeling. My mind keeps wondering who he is with and what is he doing. Instead I should be worrying about myself and my well being. Funny how both of your replies make me realize that I shouldn't feel sad I should feel happy he is out of my life. I wasn't happy with him and I felt horrible about myself. I need to block him on everything and be grateful I am done with him. Thank you

 

Yes, your life with him is over. Now you begin fresh and new, focusing on healing and rebuilding your self-esteem. Trust that he's no prize and even if he's dating, the next woman is in for a very painful ride. So, the next time you romanticize him, step back and retrace the abuse and snap yourself out of it. Seek your reality. You dodged a cannonball.

 

You have one life to live. Make it count. And don't let anyone ever lay their hands on you again. Learn from this and let it help you create better boundaries for yourself in the future.

[Satu]

Many people who have been abused show effects somewhat similar to the Stockholm Syndrome, in that they desire validation and approval from the abuser.

 

Please go strict no contact with him so that you can heal.

 

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete him from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

 

 

Why should you suffer, when you're a better person than him?

 

 

Take care.

[Michellinda]

Thank you again. I am grateful for all the replies. I don't have anyone to vent to or talk to at home so coming on here and talking to all of you about how bad I was feeling is so helpful. All of you have knocked me back into strong mode. I shouldn't even be thinking of him. I should honestly feel sorry for him and I am going to block him everywhere tonight and stop this pity party I am having for myself. I am happy I am not letting this man make me feel awful anymore.

[jen1447]

Also keep in mind that separation anxiety is normal. You can have a totally dysfunctional relationship w someone but yet if it's your primary social dynamic like most romances are, when you suddenly sever it you get the breakup DTs. Even tho it was phenomenally unhealthy.

 

Stupid physiology. The good news is it passes.