Deal breakers: sex with the OP in the marital bed, no condom, etc.

[dark water]

I have a question for the BSs out there regarding where you draw the line. It seems to me that a great deal of BSs throw their partners out immediately after cheating is discovered, and that a great many more eventually decide to divorce after months or a few years of false reconciliation.

 

Having known a lot of couples who have experienced infidelity, and having experienced it on all sides myself, I was wondering where others draw the line between the possibility of reconciliation and deciding to divorce.

 

A few of the main "deal breakers" I've heard of are the following:

 

 

• Sex with the AP in the house and even worse in the marital bed
   
  
• Having unprotected sex with the AP
   
  
• Having a revenge affair (this may be hypocritical but I've seen WSs end it with their BS after an RA. A number of things could account for this such as the original A being a subconscious way out and the RA being the final nail in the coffin, or the notion that to cheat out of spite is worse than whatever reason the first WS had in the beginning.)
   
  
• Having an EA/PA. Some people are more willing to forgive "just sex" but are not able to move past the idea of their WS sharing their heart with another person.
  

 

So, my question is, what haven't you been able to, or would not be able to forgive and move past?

Edited September 10, 2016 by dark water

[Gloria25]

Ya know, IMO, men aren't looking at whether or not the martial home/bed is sacred. Gosh, even when it comes to condoms, like Dane Cook said in one of his skits, if he sees a sore that might be Herpes, but he's really horny and doesn't have condoms, he'll put his penis as far to the other side of the sore - just to get laid.

 

In other words, men don't put that much thought and/or stock into where/how they do it with a woman.

 

Things you look at to see if the OW meant more to him than you is what's going on outside of the bedroom...like, did he divorce you? Is he sacrificing time with you and/or the kids to be with her? Is he taking stuff from the marital home and giving/spending it on her instead of you all?

[Arieswoman]

I agree with enigma, once they cheated they're out, I didn't need to know any more than that

 

I only had one guy cheat on me when I was divorced and he got his marching orders pretty quick.

[minimariah]

So, my question is, what haven't you been able to, or would not be able to forgive and move past?

 

the last part - EA. to put it quite simply -- because i just didn't believe in his "i love you" anymore.

[TunaCat]

I have never been in this position, but I the thing I know I could never get over would be my cheating partner having unprotected sex with the AP. Because that puts my OWN health at risk and I'm not okay with that.

 

I don't put much stock in where people having affairs have sex. I honestly don't think I'd care about them having sex in the bed I share with my partner. A bed is a bed.

[dark water]

I could never get over would be my cheating partner having unprotected sex with the AP. Because that puts my OWN health at risk and I'm not okay with that.

 

I don't put much stock in where people having affairs have sex. I honestly don't think I'd care about them having sex in the bed I share with my partner. A bed is a bed.

 

Ugh, I don't know if I could get over knowing an affair took place in my apartment let alone my bed, and I just read an article saying that most people could not forgive that breach of personal territory.

 

But I fully agree with you, if my partner had unprotected sex with an AP that would be unforgivable on a very practical level.

[aileD]

Coming to the house or in my bed, that's something not sure I could get over

[dark water]

Coming to the house or in my bed, that's something not sure I could get over

 

 

aileD, you're not alone, according to this article

 

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/13/garden/13cheat.html?_r=0

 

What I find interesting with this kind of behaviour is the motivation behind it. As stated in the article, the first two reasons why a person might bring the AP home are "hostility to the partner; a desire to be found out". Sometimes it's just out of convenience and impulsivity or downright arrogance. But in the cases where they do it out of a need to ruin the marriage for good I would assume this act would do the trick.

[bubbaganoosh]

With me it's one and out. I don't want to her any I'm sorry's because a gun wasn't put to her head, she wasn't blackmailed or any other evil thing. I was her choice to make and she knows right from wrong, good from bad. One the trust is gone I want no parts of the relationship or the marriage

[Arieswoman]

darkwater & ailieD,

 

Ugh, I don't know if I could get over knowing an affair took place in my apartment let alone my bed, and I just read an article saying that most people could not forgive that breach of personal territory.

 

Coming to the house or in my bed, that's something not sure I could get over

 

I agree, I couldn't and didn't.

 

That behaviour is what we call in UK "$h!££!ng on you from a great height and then rubbing your nose in it "

 

Part of it in my case was OW wanting to see what sort of house he lived in, because she was interested in the £££s/$$$s. What she didn't know was that I paid for most of it ! After we split up she soon found out he didn't have as much dosh as she thought. I let them have the bed though....

[Arieswoman]

darkwater,

 

But in the cases where they do it out of a need to ruin the marriage for good I would assume this act would do the trick.

 

^^^ some say that it's either "passive/agressive" or "conflict avoident" behaviour. However, I don't really get the "conflict avoident" bit as such actions will create a bigger $h!£$torm than just walking out

[dark water]

darkwater,

 

 

 

^^^ some say that it's either "passive/agressive" or "conflict avoident" behaviour. However, I don't really get the "conflict avoident" bit as such actions will create a bigger $h!£$torm than just walking out

 

Aha! Arieswoman, see, that's where the double edged sword of the conflict avoiding behaviour comes into play. If you're doing something subconsciously to create a **** storm that will blow the marriage up, it avoids you having to decide to divorce, hence, you're avoiding the conflict of leaving a marriage in which the BS still wants you. In a lot of ways it's easier to be thrown out than to decide to leave. I think that's why many Exit Affairs are participated in by conflict avoiders, creating a situation wherein the BS will not want you to stay. It's DEFINITELY passive/agressive, and that's never ideal, but I do understand the feelings behind it.

 

I once worked with a guy who had been unhappy with his job for months. He started getting lazy with his tasks and eventually stole something from work (something small) and did almost nothing to avoid getting caught. He got fired and told me that he was so relieved, that getting fired was the best thing that could have happened to him because he knew he would never quit. Same principals. Again, not ideal, but a very flawed, human, and all to common approach.

[Arieswoman]

darkwater #13 - thanks for that info - ^^^ very interesting......