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How to tell if this is a turn off for him?

Hopeful30

By Hopeful30
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Hopeful30 Established Member

Hopeful30

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We've been dating for about a month, and in that time I have met his closest friends. They're nice and all, and we've all hung out but they're not my kind of people. He's invited me out again a few times recently and I've declined. He made a comment that made me wonder if this bothers him. I'm curious because I'm willing to work on that, I'm not against going out with them, I've just entered a phase in my life when that is no longer interesting (bars, drinking til the AM hours) but ..I like him enough to compromise on that if it bothers him, but I can't tell if it does. I could ask straight up but I don't want to imply seriousness (going with the flow here but also want to make him feel good :) )

 

Penny for your thoughts?

Edited by Hopeful30
leogirl876 Established Member

leogirl876

Posted
Posted
We've been dating for about a month, and in that time I have met his closest friends. They're nice and all, and we've all hung out but they're not my kind of people. He's invited me out again a few times recently and I've declined. He made a comment that made me wonder if this bothers him. I'm curious because I'm willing to work on that, I'm not against going out with them, I've just entered a phase in my life when that is no longer interesting (bars, drinking til the AM hours) but ..I like him enough to compromise on that if it bothers him, but I can't tell if it does. I could ask straight up but I don't want to imply seriousness (going with the flow here but also want to make him feel good :) )

 

Penny for your thoughts?

 

I don't see this working out in the long run. He likes going out to bars and drinking, and you don't. I don't drink or go out to bars anymore, and if i met someone who did, that would turn me off and it wouldn't work out.

  • Like 7
BikerAccnt Established Member

BikerAccnt

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I'm a little confused by your post. Is it his friends that you have issue with, or the going out to bars, or going out to bars with those friends being there?

 

You've already declined his offers to go out a couple of times, do you really think he'll keep asking?

Dis Established Member

Dis

Posted
Posted
I don't see this working out in the long run. He likes going out to bars and drinking, and you don't. I don't drink or go out to bars anymore, and if i met someone who did, that would turn me off and it wouldn't work out.

 

I agree with leogirl

 

I dated a guy around this time last year...in short he was a partier...kind of a grown up boy even though he was 33. He loved to go out and socialize (all the time)...drinking....clubs etc etc. I'm not into bars and clubs...I prefer a nice dinner...a movie...or a fun activity.

 

Long story short....him and I were simply not compatible....neither are you and this guy

 

I still keep in touch with the guy I used to date...but only for a fun tipsy night out (which doesnt happen alot and no sex is invloved...despite his hopes)....BUT...long-term it would never ever work

 

So OP, this is a deal breaker in terms of compatiblity....its not going to work...dont waste your time trying to come up with soloutions...there are none

 

You have 2 options:

 

1). Keep him as a friend to have the occasional wild night with

 

2). Cut off all contact (esp if you'll have a hard time letting him go)

preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

Just go once in awhile so as not to be rude and when you do go, it's important that you be friendly and engage with his friends not just act like you hate being there. And you could come late and leave early and just tell him you want to come for a little while but will probably want to leave early because you're not that into bars and all that.

 

As long as he doesn't mind that you have your friends and activities, that's the most important. Support that by supporting his time with his friends too.

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Hopeful30 Established Member

Hopeful30

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Posted (edited)
I'm a little confused by your post. Is it his friends that you have issue with, or the going out to bars, or going out to bars with those friends being there?

You've already declined his offers to go out a couple of times, do you really think he'll keep asking?

 

It's more the nature of how his friends are. They are immature and all about cars, babes and 'remember that time we got wasted...' By all means, he can have the friends he wants, but I would rather spend my nights reading a book than sitting at a pub listening to them have conversations I don't even know how to participate in.

 

His friends are his top priority, and they mean a lot to him. That's why I am trying to understand whether or not I need to be more open. If I do, I will compromise. If I don't, I will be more than happy to stay at home and watch Netflix. Just trying to get a clearer picture so I know how to navigate. I really, really like this guy.

 

I just don't know the signs. I've never been in this situation before so I'm not quite sure how to recognize if this could be a potential problem (one I want to avoid).

Edited by Hopeful30
andie1969 Established Member

andie1969

Posted
Posted

One of my best friends is in this same situation, but has been seeing him for like 8 months. Things seem ok and then he reverts right back to being a frat boy despite him being 35 years old. He has blown her off so many times to go hang with his "bros" instead. When it's good, she is blissfully happy, but more often than not, it isn't good. His friends also made it clear that they don't like her because she's not like them, she's currently working on her PhD and so has different priorities than hanging out in their garage drinking beer every day. Her boyfriend lives with another guy so their house has become a sort of party central where dudes can just drop by to drink and shoot the ****. No thank you!

 

Not saying this will be your case, but proceed with caution.

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Hopeful30 Established Member

Hopeful30

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Is this the kind of thing that you can't compromise and need to move on from right away? I've dated 'party boys' in the past who grew up quickly and became the man I needed within a span of a few months (I didn't expect or demand this, it was just a nice surprise)

 

I guess I'm trying to see if this guy could possibly go down the same road. I typically don't think too far in the future (especially not after dating a guy for only a month) but like I said, I'm really into him. He is everything I ever wanted in a man, only...well he hasn't grown up yet lol he is the boy version of the man he is... is it unrealistic to hope he might grow up?

 

Like I said, I'm willing to compromise to help make that happen (it's a big deal to him but I don't care, so I might as well step forward on my part if it takes no effort) The question is: what are the signs that not participating with his friends could be a potential problem?

PogoStick Established Member

PogoStick

Posted
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My thoughts are worth a nickel, thank you. Instead, you (and your bf) need to be the organizers once in a while. Then you can control the activity. Don't like midnight at the bar? Then invite his friends over for an afternoon BBQ, or Sunday football, out bowling, etc!

  • Like 1
smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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To "mold" a guy to fit your relationship expectations is ridiculous, nor should you play along with theirs just to be with them.

 

Who wants to be THAT girl, when the BF tells his buddies "Sorry guys, the old lady is making me to stay in to watch a movie tonight".

  • Like 2
ThisisIt606 Established Member

ThisisIt606

Posted
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Well do you and your Bf have fun together and do activities you both find enjoyable? I don't see why he can't hang out with his friends and you separately. You met his friends a few times and I'm sure for any larger events ( bdays, cookouts, etc) you would meet his friends again. But drinking with his friends at a bar sounds like a " guys night". Why would you even want to be there mult times?

 

I get that he's asking but he also has to realize you don't need to come to every outing with his friends and that's fine. If you enjoy the activities you do together then great. Just see his friends every once in awhile.

CarrieT Established Member

CarrieT

Posted
Posted
The question is: what are the signs that not participating with his friends could be a potential problem?

I would say you need to have a heart-to-heart with him about it.

 

Be honest that you see a potential future but also that you see this is a deal-breaker.

 

Don't phrase it as an ultimatum (me or them), but as an open dialogue to gauge his intent.

smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted

To me compatibility is important. Why date someone who frequents bars with their friends if that isn't your cup of tea. You want to be a part of their life, not take them away from it....

  • Like 3
Shanex Established Member

Shanex

Posted
Posted
To me compatibility is important. Why date someone who frequents bars with their friends if that isn't your cup of tea. You want to be a part of their life, not take them away from it....

 

Ironically, I was hitting the bars and pubs all the time a decade ago being a college student and completely lost interest in that (for the record it didn't get me laid more than now..). I'm now interested in restaurant, theaters, excursions, or why not throw a party with a smaller group of friends and drink responsibly.

 

OP, this is not going to work. Compatibility is key, and having a lot in common. Sure different traits of personality in two persons can match but when your passions, hobbies or pass time activities don't, it's doomed.

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gorf Established Member

gorf

Posted
Posted (edited)

I've dated 'party boys' in the past who grew up quickly and became the man I needed within a span of a few months

 

I typically don't think too far in the future

 

... is it unrealistic to hope he might grow up?

 

The question is: what are the signs that not participating with his friends could be a potential problem?

 

These are the key points that stuck out to me.

1) You've dated party boy's in the past that grew up into the man you needed within the span of several months. Great. How did that turn out?

2)Why not. Do you care about your future? Do you want to repeat the same crap over and over with the same type of guys you are attracted to?

3)Is it unrealistic? No.. everyone grows up. The question is how much will he mature and in what time-frame will this happen that meets your expectations demands and desires for a future mate?

4)What signs of not participating with them will show? How about the first and obvious: shutting you out. You are not into his friends, who he adores, cause lets face it.. hes one of them. So you don't want to be around them, means you don't want to be around him. You dont like him. Its unattractive. So, the end result, is he finds a less mature girl who is attracted to him when he is wasted and sitting around the deck table with his buds talking about farting, and the time they got slapped for getting drunk and lifting up some girls skirt at the pig roast.

 

It sounds like you two are on two different planes intersecting in the air but headed two different directions. His priorities are different from yours and your solution is to stay away from them. Well, you are as a result staying away from him, a guy who is not an acquaintance. Its a guy you are dating. Maybe let him know straight up your priorities are different, and you would be better off looking for another guy

Edited by gorf
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