Will I be able to get her back?

[Zar]

So my girlfriend of almost 7 years recently asked for a break. I am 33 and she is 28. She has asked for at least a month of NC. Most of our relationship has been LD until recently. We spent the last 3 months together after not being with each other for the past 2.5 years due to her having to move back to her country and I wasn't able to visit her during that time either. Long story short I made some mistakes and owned up to them. I was not with another girl or being abusive. We come from two different cultures so we have different views on things. We were arguing a lot during the past 3 months and had a huge fight 2 weeks before the break. The last week before our break I started to realize my mistakes and started changing my ways and started seeing things from her perspective. She even told me that she noticed the changes and was happy with my actions but she didn't know if my actions were true or out of fear of losing her since we were discussing take a break before the huge fight.

 

She is also going through a lot right now with some personal issues (health and family/friends) and wants to have some space to take care of herself. She said that she was feeling overwhelmed and confused right now and needs to re-evaluate her life and that we needed this if we want to continue being together. She told me that she couldn't guarantee that we would be together after the month of NC but that she wanted to see how things would go. I agreed to the break because I know I messed up and I want her to have some space and freedom to clear her thoughts and get herself in order. We went on our break on good terms and even had the best week since I came out to be with her. It was as if we cleared the air and moved past our issues...It was the happiest we've been during the past 3 months.

 

Now here is the part that confuses me. She initially wanted a break but I have seen her post and like things on FB and IG about leaving your boyfriend and being free and all this stuff about your ex that just screams break-up...Its like she is trying to send me a message during the NC. I haven't contacted her in about 2 weeks now. I know I shouldn't look through her social media accounts but we have the same circle of friends so sometimes I see things that come up from her account. She was even liking my posts and pictures until a few days ago. I kind of want to break the NC because I agreed to a mutual break but this is not what I expected..We have had "breaks" in the past that lasted a few days but this one feels different since we have never had NC for this long. I really don't want to lose her...I really don't know what to do right now. Her friends and family love me and vice versa...Just 3-4 months ago before I came we were talking about marriage and starting a family soon...Nobody including myself saw this coming as we usually work things out so its been really hard for me the past 2 weeks.

 

By no means was I the perfect man. I made mistakes and was immature. I know that the both of us changed during those 2.5 years and that we might have rushed into things with too many expectations over the past 3 months. We had really high highs and really low lows during the past 3 months...I just hope that with everything going on in her life that I didn't push her over the edge...

 

 

Oh and the 1 month of NC would end on our 7 year anniversary...Do I text her on our anniversary? Can I send her flowers? I won't be able to actually see her until the end of November since I am away for work.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[LD1990]

Sound like it's over for good. The fact that the two of you were mostly long distance, and the one time you were together you fought constantly, is a sign that you're just not compatible. I'd say it's time to move on and forget about any pointless gestures on a day that's no longer your anniversary.

[Satu]

7 years is a long time to be 'mostly' long distance.

 

Relationships are about 'togetherness.'

 

If you haven't got to the point of really being together by now, you might both be better letting the relationship end.

 

In this situation, I think that whats happening is a breakup test drive.

 

She might just want to be single for a while, or she might be interested in someone.

 

Prepare yourself emotionally for a breakup, because all the signs say that that's what's coming next.

 

Sorry.

 

 

Take care.

[ExpatInItaly]

I agree with the others that this is probably coming to definitive end.

 

You two were far apart for a long time. Most relationships wouldn't survive that much distance. People grow and change and easily drift apart in these circumstances.

 

Add to that is her age. She's been with you throughout her 20s, a time many people spend dating around and finding out who they are and who they want to be with. I have a feeling she's looking to spread her wings now.

 

You mentioned you made mistakes - can you elaborate on what those were? They may have had a much bigger effect than you initially realized.

[Zar]

Sound like it's over for good. The fact that the two of you were mostly long distance, and the one time you were together you fought constantly, is a sign that you're just not compatible. I'd say it's time to move on and forget about any pointless gestures on a day that's no longer your anniversary.

 

This wasn't the first time that we lived together....It was just the longest amount of time that we have spent without seeing each other. A lot happened during that time. She was diagnosed with a rare medical condition which ended her professional athletic career, a few close friends, her uncle and grandmother passed away. Her mom had surgery and she had to do everything around the house, cooking, cleaning, and taking care of her while her dad was working. She isn't able to work due to her medical condition at this time and the medication she takes for it drains her the days she has to take it. Its not life threatening but when you're 28 it sucks.

 

 

All of this happened during those 2.5. Before that we argued just like any other couple...I just think that things got to heavy for the both of us during those 3 months. I also do not plan on just giving up on her that easily...we've been together for 7 years not 7 months...

[Zar]

I agree with the others that this is probably coming to definitive end.

 

You two were far apart for a long time. Most relationships wouldn't survive that much distance. People grow and change and easily drift apart in these circumstances.

 

Add to that is her age. She's been with you throughout her 20s, a time many people spend dating around and finding out who they are and who they want to be with. I have a feeling she's looking to spread her wings now.

 

You mentioned you made mistakes - can you elaborate on what those were? They may have had a much bigger effect than you initially realized.

 

I think one of the biggest issues with me was that I didn't understand the difference in cultures which lead to arguments. She is from Europe so the culture is very different than it is in the states. I didn't understand everything because I wasn't used to it so there was a learning curve. I was jealous at times but never to the point of being overbearing or controlling.

[Satu]

I think one of the biggest issues with me was that I didn't understand the difference in cultures which lead to arguments. She is from Europe so the culture is very different than it is in the states. I didn't understand everything because I wasn't used to it so there was a learning curve. I was jealous at times but never to the point of being overbearing or controlling.

 

I don't think that the key factor here is the behaviour of either of you.

 

I think its the distance.

[Zar]

I don't think that the key factor here is the behaviour of either of you.

 

I think its the distance.

 

You're probably right. I think the both of us had a different idea of how things were going to be. She had a very different lifestyle compared to how we lived in the states and when I got here I just was not ready. I think the distance caused the behavior if that makes sense.

[LD1990]

I also do not plan on just giving up on her that easily...we've been together for 7 years not 7 months...

 

The problem is that if she has checked out of the relationship, she's gone, and that's regardless of whether you give up easily or stand outside her window with a boombox playing her favorite song.

 

All those big romantic gestures you see in movies are actually a huge turn off. The only way she's coming back is if she decides to come back, and considering her actions, that doesn't sound too likely. Saying she wants at least a month of NC, posting on social media about the freedom of breaking up with someone, it sounds like she has made her choice.

[marky00]

The problem is that if she has checked out of the relationship, she's gone, and that's regardless of whether you give up easily or stand outside her window with a boombox playing her favorite song.

 

All those big romantic gestures you see in movies are actually a huge turn off. The only way she's coming back is if she decides to come back, and considering her actions, that doesn't sound too likely. Saying she wants at least a month of NC, posting on social media about the freedom of breaking up with someone, it sounds like she has made her choice.

 

This is true,

 

 

although... in my LDR, when my ex broke it off over the phone.... I flew over there the next day without telling her and called her from her laneway on the streets of Bangkok.

 

 

That was a crazy trip, we ended up seeing each other most nights, dinner and movies etc and she ended up agreeing to continue the relationship which went on for another 20 months or so.

 

 

Only reason I did that was because she knew I was in a tight spot and broke it off thinking I was stuck etc. Needed to see her break it off face-face.

 

 

So, yes such crazy moves can create short to medium-term benefits but I agree that it didn't change the long-term result.

[Zar]

The problem is that if she has checked out of the relationship, she's gone, and that's regardless of whether you give up easily or stand outside her window with a boombox playing her favorite song.

 

All those big romantic gestures you see in movies are actually a huge turn off. The only way she's coming back is if she decides to come back, and considering her actions, that doesn't sound too likely. Saying she wants at least a month of NC, posting on social media about the freedom of breaking up with someone, it sounds like she has made her choice.

 

She hasn't actually posted anything directly but she has liked certain statuses, ranging from leaving your ex to fighting to keep your women. I honestly think that she is just burnt out with everything going on in her life and needs a break to cool down and relax for a little bit.

 

If you guys are right that its over I really hope I don't become as negative as some of you in this thread

 

I'll update you guys after our NC and let you know if we broke up or not.

[marky00]

She hasn't actually posted anything directly but she has liked certain statuses, ranging from leaving your ex to fighting to keep your women. I honestly think that she is just burnt out with everything going on in her life and needs a break to cool down and relax for a little bit.

 

If you guys are right that its over I really hope I don't become as negative as some of you in this thread

 

I'll update you guys after our NC and let you know if we broke up or not.

 

Yeh well, after you bang you head against a wall for long enough,

 

 

the negativity follows naturally.

[springy]

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

Many people come to these forums and take the "you are all so negative" attitude when they are not told what they want or hope to hear. (I do realize you didn't say that in anger but...)

 

I get that you would prefer everyone cheer you on - Yes, send her flowers! Yes, contact her on your anniversary! But people are giving advice based off personal (their lives and lives of those they know personally) experience and just trying to give you a heads up. Then it turns into "negativity" in the eyes of the person seeking advice.

 

Breaks are often precursors to breakups, suggested on the part of the "breaker" in order to ease into the breakup or soften the blow for the "breakee".

 

Might she change her mind? Absolutely, it does happen. Is it the exception rather than the rule? I would say so...I'm not being negative. Life experience and observation of others (even if you browse this forum you will see many "negative" outcomes) leads people to advise the best they know how.

 

Seven years of LD and jealously, not understanding her culture...suddenly you get it? I've been there is all I'm saying, the great epiphany as you try to desperately hold on to that which is trying to escape you. You say 7 years, not 7 months, I'm not giving up on her that quickly (paraphrased)...someone observing may say 7 years...and you're just now getting it now that she's (possibly) gone? She was already stressed out due to things beyond her control, now her relationship is stressing her out and that is the one thing she can control. The health problem has changed the course of her life and that is a big deal - removing stress where you can is probably an attractive thought in times like this. Regardless, maybe that wasn't the true problem here. Maybe distance is what kept you together since it seems once you were under the same roof you couldn't get along.

 

I will try to end on a "positive" note. I hope you have the outcome you desire. I hope this lady is just stressed with all the loss and changes that have taken place in her life (perhaps that is the root of her indecision right now) and after she sorts herself out will return to you ready to start anew. I hope all the "negative" posters are wrong(including myself), and I hope you will update with good news at the end of your "NC" period. I really do.

Edited September 10, 2016 by springy

[Redhead14]

So my girlfriend of almost 7 years recently asked for a break. I am 33 and she is 28. She has asked for at least a month of NC. Most of our relationship has been LD until recently. We spent the last 3 months together after not being with each other for the past 2.5 years due to her having to move back to her country and I wasn't able to visit her during that time either. Long story short I made some mistakes and owned up to them. I was not with another girl or being abusive. We come from two different cultures so we have different views on things. We were arguing a lot during the past 3 months and had a huge fight 2 weeks before the break. The last week before our break I started to realize my mistakes and started changing my ways and started seeing things from her perspective. She even told me that she noticed the changes and was happy with my actions but she didn't know if my actions were true or out of fear of losing her since we were discussing take a break before the huge fight.

 

She is also going through a lot right now with some personal issues (health and family/friends) and wants to have some space to take care of herself. She said that she was feeling overwhelmed and confused right now and needs to re-evaluate her life and that we needed this if we want to continue being together. She told me that she couldn't guarantee that we would be together after the month of NC but that she wanted to see how things would go. I agreed to the break because I know I messed up and I want her to have some space and freedom to clear her thoughts and get herself in order. We went on our break on good terms and even had the best week since I came out to be with her. It was as if we cleared the air and moved past our issues...It was the happiest we've been during the past 3 months.

 

Now here is the part that confuses me. She initially wanted a break but I have seen her post and like things on FB and IG about leaving your boyfriend and being free and all this stuff about your ex that just screams break-up...Its like she is trying to send me a message during the NC. I haven't contacted her in about 2 weeks now. I know I shouldn't look through her social media accounts but we have the same circle of friends so sometimes I see things that come up from her account. She was even liking my posts and pictures until a few days ago. I kind of want to break the NC because I agreed to a mutual break but this is not what I expected..We have had "breaks" in the past that lasted a few days but this one feels different since we have never had NC for this long. I really don't want to lose her...I really don't know what to do right now. Her friends and family love me and vice versa...Just 3-4 months ago before I came we were talking about marriage and starting a family soon...Nobody including myself saw this coming as we usually work things out so its been really hard for me the past 2 weeks.

 

By no means was I the perfect man. I made mistakes and was immature. I know that the both of us changed during those 2.5 years and that we might have rushed into things with too many expectations over the past 3 months. We had really high highs and really low lows during the past 3 months...I just hope that with everything going on in her life that I didn't push her over the edge...

 

 

Oh and the 1 month of NC would end on our 7 year anniversary...Do I text her on our anniversary? Can I send her flowers? I won't be able to actually see her until the end of November since I am away for work.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

I've said this lots of times here . . . when someone tells me they need space, I become NASA. They can contact Houston when they figure out what their problem is and if it takes too long (not more than 2 weeks at the most), they may not have a landing place for their aircraft if they want to come back.

 

And, no, don't send her flowers. Flowers for what? Hurting you and cutting you out? She's basically making a unilateral decision about YOUR life too. If she's got doubts, whatever, she should be talking to you at least and then making a mutual decision even if it's about ending the relationship.

[Frozensushi]

And, no, don't send her flowers. Flowers for what? Hurting you and cutting you out? She's basically making a unilateral decision about YOUR life too. If she's got doubts, whatever, she should be talking to you at least and then making a mutual decision even if it's about ending the relationship.

 

Getting removed from the situation is the worst feeling ever. It's even worse when after an extended period of time you get the boot. I allowed this same thing to happen to me. I wish I had stronger boundaries and self-respect. I would have been the one to walk away.

 

I get the need for space. What I don't get is not including the other person in on a mutual outcome. Talk about being a doormat.

[Redhead14]

Getting removed from the situation is the worst feeling ever. It's even worse when after an extended period of time you get the boot. I allowed this same thing to happen to me. I wish I had stronger boundaries and self-respect. I would have been the one to walk away.

 

I get the need for space. What I don't get is not including the other person in on a mutual outcome. Talk about being a doormat.

 

You don't have to wish for stronger boundaries and self-respect, all you need to do is impose them. It's about resolve.

 

If I were you, I would call her and tell her you are moving on and wish her well. Take control of the situation right now.

 

The only way to not be a doormat is to not be a doormat.

[Lifeissomething]

Count my vote that it's over. LD, Drama, Age, 7 years, and her actions, all seem to hit at a 5 point threat that the relationship is done.

 

An additional situation to ponder: A good female friend of mine was dating a wonderful guy. He was a great boyfriend who treated her incredibly well. During their 2+ year relationship my friend went through a lot, loss of her mother, personal growth, heavy anxiety and depression, lots of ups and downs professionally and personally etc....This guy was a rockstar, he stood by her and they got through this rough patch together, yet, dhe ended up dumping him. Life went on and he became a memory. About a year later after some drinks, I asked her why she chose to do dump him? They seemed so happy, he was a great guy, the best b/f she had up to this point, and their relationship seemed amazing. She agreed, and yes all the aforementioned was absolutely true. But while going through that previous awful time, which her ex-boyfriend was incredibly supportive and understanding of, it started to define a dark period in her life. When she finally bounced back, no matter what, she couldn't help but identify his incredible guy with that dark period; he was a constant reminder of this horrible time in her life. She tried to fight it, hide it, ignore it, but it just got worse. There was no saving the relationship, and thus, she had to end it. He was devastated and she felt HORRIBLE having to make this decision, but she had too.

 

So....back to your relationship: you could succeed and gosh I hope you do. BUT I'm inclined to believe that your relationship isn't something you can save. It might be for reasons you do know or don't. But 7 years a good time to know if you want to be with someone or not, she's at the age that a relationship that long is due to end (late 20's, she's not the person she was), a lot of heavy personal stuff, etc....Now a break? Others can speak for themselves and my little existential being provides little, but, I have yet to meet or know any person's relationship that has survived a 'set period' break. My two cents.