Betrayed by him and a friend

[anna333]

Thank you for taking the time to read my story.

 

I will try to make it as short as possible. I was in a relationship with a guy for a year. I'm not going to sit here and pretend he wasn't great. He treated me well, introduced me to all his friends, involved me in everything etc.

 

A couple of weeks ago, problems started happening. We were working things out but I noticed he was becoming distant. He tells me he's going through a lot and wants to end it which I respect. I don't chase him, call him, nothing.

 

Two weeks ago he calls me and tells he's going to pass by my house because he wants to talk about things and that he understands he made a big mistake. He doesn't show up. I called him once but he didn't answer so I figured he was busy. To fast forward things, I just found out five days ago he's dating one of my really good friends now. All of this with him not getting back to me or giving two sh*its about my existence.

 

I'm fine with NC, not calling, or not texting but I feel like I'm physically sick because of this betrayal by him. He didn't even care enough to end this with me like a normal person. why? what did I ever do? This is a person I stood with through things no one would. I think about this 24/7. I am unable to work, eat, function, see my friends, nothing. Yes, I understand if that is the type of person he is I should be happy but it is easier said than done. I feel worthless.

[marky00]

It is hard. Happened to many of us, including me.

 

 

Look, from what I have seen on this site, 99.9% of the time you get ghosted by your ex is because of a 3rd party.

 

 

With a 3rd party, its really tough, because your ex ghosts you and gets to move on nice and fast.

 

 

Its definitely the hardest type of breakup but it is the cleanest as well.

 

 

You need to tell yourself the only reason why your ex is acting this way is because of the 3rd party. If there had been no 3rd party, he'd either still be with you (maybe not 100% happy) and if he did break it off, it would have been more gradual and you would have had the face-to-face breakup talks etc.

 

 

I know of people who were in 5 or 6 year relationships, completely ghosted by an ex who met someone else and they never heard from them again.

[anna333]

Hi Marky, thank you for taking the time to get back to me.

 

If it was for a third party, why would he still contact me and say he wants to fix things? He could have atleast respected me and told me what's going on or picked up on my call. The fact he went about this way shows that he only wanted to hurt me. what i dont get is why?

[Satu]

What you have to understand and keep in the forefront of your mind, is that what he has done says nothing about you, and your value as a human being.

 

His behaviour says things about him, not you.

 

 

Here is something I put together for myself, when I was in a bad place. Some of it might be helpful for you.

 

 

1. Recognise that you are in the crisis phase, You are very hurt, disappointed and angry, but the intensity of your feelings will reduce.

 

2. Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling - that never helps.

 

3. Externalise your feelings by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or using any other mode of expression that feels right.

 

4. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will have a good life without this person.

 

5. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will love again.

 

6. Take care of your body:

 

Eat enough and eat healthily.

Drink enough water. Thats 1.5 litres a day for a female.

Get a bit more rest than you think you need. If you can't sleep, just lie down.

Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous.

If you feel physically unwell go to see your doctor.

If you are on any prescription meds, take them as prescribed.

 

7. Do not allow yourself to become socially isolated or withdrawn.

 

8. Establish Total No Contact with your ex.

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete him from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

 

9. Keep up with all your responsibilities and things you have to do.

 

10. Do not use alcohol or drugs in an attempt to self-medicate.

 

11. Post here as often as you want to.

 

 

You'll be ok.

 

 

Take care.

[marky00]

Unfortunately,

 

 

In these situations, people are only human and don't know how to handle it properly unless they have been in that situation before.

 

 

I once was in a situation where I liked 2 girls and I made a rightful mess of the situation.

 

 

I'd say 2 weeks ago, he was hit by extreme guilt and reached out to you to relieve that somewhat.

 

 

Then he realised that won't work since he's interested in your friend.

 

 

You have to tell yourself that all breakups are bad and although this type of breakup is the worst, in the long-run all break-ups mean the same thing.

 

 

What you need to do now is be super strong. Do not contact him or your friend.

 

 

As a man, I will tell you a secret. Us guys are driven by our egos. If you stay strong (it will be hard) and be prideful. Show that you can live without him. That will be noticed by him for sure. Don't do it for him but, do it for yourself. Right now, you need to do the very reverse of what your feelings are telling you to do.

[anna333]

well I did block him everywhere and im planning to stay NC. Now I feel like I shouldnt have blocked him because he will think that Im hurt.

[marky00]

well I did block him everywhere and im planning to stay NC. Now I feel like I shouldnt have blocked him because he will think that Im hurt.

 

This comment comes up on this site all the time.

 

 

You may be right. You may be wrong.

 

 

The general consensus on this site is to give the dumper NOTHING. That is be neutral like u just dropped of the face of the earth.

 

 

With social media, what I do, is keep my accounts but uninstall the apps on my phone etc. That way, my a/c is active but I don't login and hence don't get any messages. I don't even update my profile......

 

 

But your probably younger and for you that may not be an option but I think that works quite well. In 2 or 3 months you can login and catch up on the messages.

 

 

Being neutral is best because your making yourself more mysterious and making them guess what you are up to (as opposed to the other way round).

 

 

Having said all that, for your own healing, blocking is an acceptable option. Your blocking for yourself, nothing to do with him.

 

 

We don't get too many dumper's perspectives on here and it would be interesting to find out their take on how a block is perceived. Some dumpers will respect you for it, some might take it that your hurt...... all situations are different.

[anna333]

the thing is I know if I speak to him I will feel better but the only thing that is stopping me is that atleast I walked away from this with pride by not pursuing him. what do you think?

[Zahara]

well I did block him everywhere and im planning to stay NC. Now I feel like I shouldnt have blocked him because he will think that Im hurt.

 

Who cares what he thinks? Your priority is to protect yourself and not worry what kind of impression you are giving him -- that part of your life is over.

[marky00]

the thing is I know if I speak to him I will feel better but the only thing that is stopping me is that atleast I walked away from this with pride by not pursuing him. what do you think?

 

 

You would only feel better for a while but ultimately you will feel worse if you make the contact.

 

 

So far you have done amazing, I wish I could have been like you but I was so far invested in my relationship, I had no choice but to do everything wrong until there was nothing left to try.

 

 

Keep doing what your doing. NC. Post here instead whenever u feel the urge.

[anna333]

I understand Zahara. Thank you for taking the time to reply.

 

but that is easier said than done. The fact that he did not even care enough or think about me at all in this is what is killing me, not that I lost him because if that is the type of person he is I don't want to be with him.

 

Do you think I should demand an explanation?

[frigginlost]

Who cares what he thinks? Your priority is to protect yourself and not worry what kind of impression you are giving him -- that part of your life is over.

 

 

Jeez...

 

Sometimes I really hate coming to this site and reading the replies. Zahara, you are one of the regulars, but honestly, that part of your statement is down right rude. People are not robots that can just turn off emotions at the drop of a hat. Have some dam* compassion...

 

OP,

 

What you really need to take away from everything is what satu alluded to; what was done to you is not a reflection of you in this case. In short, your ex is/was a coward. You seem to be heading in the general direction of properly healing as you seem to have your head on straight. Because this involves a good friend of yours, I think NC would definitely be the right direction. Come to these boards and vent when you need to. Stay strong.

[marky00]

 

Do you think I should demand an explanation?

 

You don't want that explanation. It would be less painful to run barbed-wire through your nose.

[marky00]

Jeez...

 

Sometimes I really hate coming to this site and reading the replies. Zahara, you are one of the regulars, but honestly, that part of your statement is down right rude. People are not robots that can just turn off emotions at the drop of a hat. Have some dam* compassion...

 

.

 

 

I know what you mean. There is 4 or 5 that keep posting like that. Thing is they are like 3 years into their recovery. Need to tone it down a little.

 

 

No-one can go 0-100 in 24 hours.

[anna333]

I know, but for some reason I think sending him a text explaining to him all the thing he did to me would make ME feel better. I know he doesnt care, but this is about me not him.

 

Yes, I am proud of myself for having my head straight. I've blocked him everywhere, havent stalked his social media, nothing.

 

I just really love him. I moved to a completely new city because of him. The people he introduced me to are all his friends, and obviously they wont speak to me anymore. Im really lonely which makes things worse as well.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, OP. What an awful betrayal.

 

Don't demand an explanation - do you really want to hear how and why and when he fell for your friend? This will hurt more than you realize. Additionally, there's really nothing he can say that will make this better or more logical or more palatable for you.

 

Take care of you now. You're in a difficult place, emotionally and logistically. The best thing you can do is rest plenty, but also taking steps to meet other people. I don't mean for romantic reasons, but to build up your own friend group. Going through a break-up like this is doubly hard, because you're not in your home territory, with the places and people bring a familiar comfort. Make some small strides in branching out and trying new things. It's not easy at first, but it can be therapeutic.

[aloneinaz]

I know, but for some reason I think sending him a text explaining to him all the thing he did to me would make ME feel better. I know he doesnt care, but this is about me not him.

 

Hi there, understand everyone feels this way when the are broken up with. The fact that he moved onto a friend can only strengthen those feelings. The thing is, you'll only feel worse after you send it. You'll look bitter (understandable), angry, hurt and on some levels, desperate. Think about him receiving that text, chuckling, showing it to his friends or new girl. That thought alone would make me keep my pride intact and never contact him again.

 

Your self esteem and pride will feel much better simply riding through all those horrible feelings and emotions.

 

Yes, I am proud of myself for having my head straight. I've blocked him everywhere, haven't stalked his social media, nothing.

 

This is great! That's what you need to do. Read this site NC list. It's very good and leads you to the fastest recovery.

 

I just really love him. I moved to a completely new city because of him. The people he introduced me to are all his friends, and obviously they wont speak to me anymore. Im really lonely which makes things worse as well.

 

This is also very normal. EVERYONE feels alone in the world after suddenly becoming single again. You have to ride through those emotions. You're going to have to push yourself out of your comfort zone and force yourself out of the house to meet new people when you're up to it. It's just going to take time to get your feet back under you again. Again, you'll feel better the fastest by NOT contacting him, venting to him or spying on his social media. You have to tell yourself that it didn't work out. If he texts for you to stroke his ego and expects you to beg for him back, you ignoring him will knock the chip off his shoulder!

 

Out of sight, out of mind. Within a month or two, you'll feel MUCH better w/NC. You'll be on your way out the other side.

[marky00]

I know, but for some reason I think sending him a text explaining to him all the thing he did to me would make ME feel better.

 

I just really love him. I moved to a completely new city because of him.

 

Sending that text will give you short-term relief only. There is no good-ending here.

 

 

And yes if you feel that way, it stings for sure.

 

 

Set yourself a goal of NC for 30 days. See how you feel then. Breaking contact in the first few weeks is never good. If your going to do it ever, better to wait when your head is on straight and when the dust has settled.

[Nadine123]

Yes, I definitely have my mindset to not contacting him again and trust me, I know he won't.

 

What confuses me the most if why he would call me begging me to go back to him if he is already with someone else? Part of me thinks he wanted to deliberately hurt me since he wouldn't even pick up my call.

 

I am proud of myself for not calling or running after him but part of me blames myself for giving him a second chance.

[stillafool]

He hasn't got back to you because he is a coward who doesn't want to face what he and your friend have done. I can promise you you won't get the reaction you crave or be satisfied with his answer if you contact him. You will eventually feel worse. Silence is golden and says much more than words in this situation. Has your friend reached out to explain herself to you? She's a real piece of work herself; now isn't she?

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, I definitely have my mindset to not contacting him again and trust me, I know he won't.

 

What confuses me the most if why he would call me begging me to go back to him if he is already with someone else? Part of me thinks he wanted to deliberately hurt me since he wouldn't even pick up my call.

 

I am proud of myself for not calling or running after him but part of me blames myself for giving him a second chance.

 

Honestly? This won't be pleasant to hear, but this is what I suspect:

 

What I imagine is that your friend maybe told him she couldn't be with him or wasn't sure. So he came running back. When she changed her mind and decided to date him after all, he ghosted you.

[stillafool]

They were definitely seeing each other before you guys broke up. You don't just enter a relationship over night without bonding first.

[Zahara]

I understand Zahara. Thank you for taking the time to reply.

 

but that is easier said than done. The fact that he did not even care enough or think about me at all in this is what is killing me, not that I lost him because if that is the type of person he is I don't want to be with him.

 

Do you think I should demand an explanation?

 

Yes, easier said than done. Of course, each and everyone of us has had to go through that but when you feel that way, you need to rationalize it in terms of what's important to and FOR you. Self-preservation. Your utmost priority. Not trying to create an impression on him -- it means nothing to him in that he is likely the kind that only sees himself. He's moved on and that door needs to be shut.

 

If he didn't care about you when it really mattered then why do you think he would care about or be affected by you blocking him? It's trivial to him. In that sense, you have to let go of that and focus on you.

 

Honestly, he knows you are hurt. You don't need to make any type of statement because he knows what he's done. Staying accessible to him only opens the door for you to get hurt even more.

 

No, his actions are very clear. There are no explanations needed when one is openly showing you who they really are. Take what you have, embrace him for who he is and accept that this was a huge blessing for you.

Edited September 9, 2016 by Zahara

[Nadine123]

Thank you all for taking the time to write me back. This forum is all I have now since I literally have no one else to speak to.

 

@stillafool - No she hasn't reached out and I won't call or text her. He hasn't answered and I know for a fact that she won't too. As someone mentioned here, atleast I have my self-respect by not chasing them for now.

 

Part of me feels stupid because I gave this a second chance and I am blaming myself. This is what's killing me. I didnt even know ghosting exists as pathetic as that sounds.

[Zahara]

the thing is I know if I speak to him I will feel better but the only thing that is stopping me is that atleast I walked away from this with pride by not pursuing him. what do you think?

 

Yes, hold on to dignity and self-respect. In time you'll look back on this and thank the day you held your head high and walked away.

 

I suspect that things weren't going so well with the other woman so he was begging you and she likely roped him back in and he went on his way.