Just found out about a past emotional affair :(

[vanhalenfan]

Hi Loveshackers,

 

If you look at my past posts, much of them are about my fiance and my thinking/inkling he was or is up to no good. However, things kept coming up clean. I could NOT shake the feeling regardless of what many of you were saying, what friends were saying....Couldn't shake it at all.

 

Last night, it all came to head. I handn't snooped in a while, but for some unknown reason I checked his FB messenger. I found an old conversation from last September between him and his ex girlfriend from 20 years ago. (Supposedly, she comes 'round every few years to try to get him back. I had no knowledge of this.) What I read was SICKENING. I couldn't believe it I always read these stories here and elsewhere of infidelity and I never really imagined the pain one goes through. Oh my God, does it hurt. I feel like I've been punched in the gut a thousand times over and stabbed straight through the heart to finish me off.

 

I couldn't even finish reading. I was shaking and so angry. I read things such as how he was waiting for the "right time to leave me", how much he loves her and how leaving her was the biggest mistake he ever made, how he wants to be there with her day and night, and worse of all, how he planned on scheming me and getting out in secret to meet her Tons more.

 

I confronted him immediately. No waiting around to gather more evidence. That was enough right there. Well, he tells me they both decided it wasn't a good idea and never went through with it (via phone call). Said he told her he couldn't see her or be with her physically. She decided he was too messed up/had too many issues going on that she decided also that it was a bad idea. She defriended him on FB and they he says he is sure she'll never be back. He tells me how messed up and stressed out he was at the time and wasn't in his right mind.

 

He is not showing enough remorse at all. Honestly I don't even think he wants to work on us. And I don't know if I can go on trusting him. He is not willing to give up all devices at will to prove a thing. He isn't into that. After this, I can't blindly trust.

 

This is such a disaster. We have 1 child together and 2 children that are mine but he took on fully and they call him their father. (Their bio dad took off to another country). Now they are in the line of fire to get hurt and lose ANOTHER father figure, and our baby daughter is going to be raised in a broken home. We are Christians with strong faith and do not want this for them. But I don't know if I can do this. I am SO hurt right now. He hardly seems to care about my pain. He thinks I should have never known about this, he took care of it and it will never come up again so why should I have known? Oh my God, I cannot agree with this. Although part of me wishes I never saw it.

 

Now I am stuck making a critical decision and I feel so torn. He hardly even agrees it was cheating because nothing physical happened!

 

And he swears this was the only incident/woman.

 

He is so angry with ME over my snooping and "violating his privacy". I am aware this is gaslighting, correct?

 

If I wanted to leave, we have no place to go. I don't work. I am so screwed!

 

I don't even know what I am asking for here. I just needed to get this out here...Especially since I've been posting recently about my suspicions. Well, here it is...I guess if we look hard enough, we eventually find what we're looking for.

Edited September 9, 2016 by vanhalenfan

[WilyWill]

If there's a wedding date set, cancel it immediately. He seems to think that saying "sorry" is adequate. It's not.

 

The fact that he was so casual about his plans to leave you means that he is simply not marriage material, at least at this point. Explain to him that he should not be marrying someone who he thinks can be discarded so easily. He needs to grow up and solve his own personal issues.

 

It's not gaslighting. That would be an attempt to make you think you're crazy or irrational for suspecting him. He's fully admitted it, but he wants to focus the wrongdoing on you instead of him. Tell him you regret snooping on him, but you're glad you found out the truth about him, because he's a liar and would never have told you himself.

[Lobe]

If you look hard enough you should find nothing. Do not let him gaslight you - you trusted your gut and he WAS doing something wrong - his guilt isn't cancelled out by you "violating his privacy." Total bollocks. Hogwash. Make sure you call bullsh*t on him each and every time he tries that line on you.

 

I'm not defending your WS's actions in any way but you have to understand that guys in EAs do not count them the same way as if they had a PA, which is stupid but whatever - you have to play with the cards you've been dealt and go from there.

 

If you are looking to reconcile, your WS will need to get to the point where he realizes the pain and devastation he has caused you with his emotional affair. I recommend two books for both of you to read, first this: http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/HOW_TO_HELP_11-06-10_FINAL_pdf-.pdf and then "NOT just friends" by Shirley Glass. If you cannot get him to realize that his EA was every bit as much of a betrayal as a PA would have been, you've got a completely different battle ahead of you.

 

In the meantime, I highly suggest you speak to a lawyer and start drafting up a proper separation agreement. If you're not legally married, you will need to make sure that you get an agreement in place that protects your daughter's right to child support and I'm not sure if your other kids are entitled to support if he was acting in loco parentis or not.

 

A sad welcome to the infidelity forum to you. Good luck.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm not defending your WS's actions in any way but you have to understand that guys in EAs do not count them the same way as if they had a PA, which is stupid but whatever - you have to play with the cards you've been dealt and go from there.

 

Normally I'd agree with this, but it sounds as though the only reason he didn't leave was the OW didn't think he was relationship material. He'd clearly chosen, just didn't get a chance to act on the choice.

 

Don't think I could recover from that. Hard to build a life with someone who doesn't want to be with you ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lobe]

Normally I'd agree with this, but it sounds as though the only reason he didn't leave was the OW didn't think he was relationship material. He'd clearly chosen, just didn't get a chance to act on the choice.

 

Don't think I could recover from that. Hard to build a life with someone who doesn't want to be with you ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Did he say that to woo the OW because he was in the throes of an emotional affair or did he sincerely not want to be with his spouse? Hard to say. But if it was an exit affair, he would probably have left or found someone else to pass the time with by now. He tried when the opportunity presented itself and failed. OP, does it look like he has tried to start up with anyone else? Has he acted suspiciously in the interim or did things kind of get bad then get better?

 

I can only imagine the things my WH said about not wanting to be with me anymore because they were true soul mates while he was with the xOW. In fact, I read a lot of the fluffy tripe he wrote to her and it was at least as nauseating as reading a love letter from an obsessed 12-year old boy to Britney Spears. I'm not sure you can place a lot of stock in what WSs say to their APs - they mostly sound like they're out of their godd*amned minds, desperately spinning a web to trap and hold captive the heart of their AP. If it wasn't so painful it'd be comical. Seriously, I would copy and paste some of the content from his emails to her but that might out me if his xOW ever stumbled across this forum. Suffice it to say my husband is not a very good poet and she has pretty low standards if she thought what he wrote was romantic

[ladydesigner]

He is so angry with ME over my snooping and "violating his privacy". I am aware this is gaslighting, correct?

 

they all do this. Don't fall for it all WS's try to steamroll the BS this way. He is sorry he got caught too effing bad. Tell him it's too effing bad.

 

 

Keep reading here, you are not alone and I am sorry you find yourself in this position. If your WS doesn't find his empathy soon he may find himself outside!

 

Oh and an emotional A is an affair

[vanhalenfan]

We spoke more this morning. It was a rough night for me...Hardly slept and when I did sleep, I woke up in a panic. It was awful. He is still on with "you violated my privacy" BS. He told me more about the woman. Supposedly she is obsessed with him, always has been, comes around every few years to tell him she thinks they belong together, starts telling him what he wants to hear...so he fell into the trap when he was in a very bad place but didn't take the bait.

 

We agreed to keep trying, but it feels like he's in it only for our daughter. I don't want a relationship like that.

 

By the way, he was engaged to this woman. Yep....Supposedly had great chemistry yadda yadda yadda....Like I need to hear that. But for a few reasons it didn't work out. He said if he wanted to be with her he would be, or with anyone else but he chooses to stay with me. We are trying but there's no guarantees. We find too much fault in each ofher....compatability issues...I guess we are trying to be more accepting of each other. Is that even possible?

 

I don't know. I am really confused and hurt.

 

By the way, on that phone call he told her he is a Christian and can't participate in the.affair. So for that reason and for our daughter, he stepped away.

Edited September 9, 2016 by vanhalenfan

[Lobe]

By the way, on that phone call he told her he is a Christian and can't participate in the.affair. So for that reason and for our daughter, he stepped away.

 

Well thank you baby Jesus for being his conscience when he had none for hisself...

 

You seriously need to ask yourself what you want from the relationship. If YOU also want to stay together for your daughter and in the eyes of the Lord then that's your business, and you gotta know what you're signing up for. But I'd hazard a guess you'd both be happier if you were in love with each other.

 

What's going on in your relationship? How have things changed since you first met and fell in love?

[Whoknew30]

I'm this has happened but to say we're Christian really doesn't have anything to do with it...you guys have a baby & aren't married, so you're not exactly living the the typical Christian lifestyle. Not a judgement but if he's not living it with you exactly why would you think he'd be living it in other aspects?

 

He should have told you but if he really did not go through it as he says, there isn't anyway to forgive it? People get cold feet before marriage & maybe this was his last blimp of that? How long have you been together? How long were you together before you became pregnant? Was the pregnancy planned?

 

All questions that would give a better perspective of reasons.

[vanhalenfan]

Well thank you baby Jesus for being his conscience when he had none for hisself...

 

You seriously need to ask yourself what you want from the relationship. If YOU also want to stay together for your daughter and in the eyes of the Lord then that's your business, and you gotta know what you're signing up for. But I'd hazard a guess you'd both be happier if you were in love with each other.

 

What's going on in your relationship? How have things changed since you first met and fell in love?

 

I am in love with him. I love him very, very much so. So it hurts me to hear him say he doesn't have these feelings for me much anymore. He says he loves me and cares about me very much so....But I guess there's just something missing for him now. He says he's not feeling the way he should be feeling (right now) regardless of his love for me. The way I see it, being as we've been through A LOT in the 3+ years we've been together, relationships and feelings ebb and flow, do they not? I hear about this all the time. As long as the love remains, that's what counts. I hear a lot of successful marriages - the people involved say the marriage goes through phases. Is this just a phase? Will it ever get better?

 

The relationship, right now, isn't a very healthy one. It started out good, about 10 months in we both starting reconsidering....actually, he was more than I. Well, I ended up pregnant right at that time and we both re-commited and things were better. Time went along, ended up having her very premature - we both almost died in delivery. The baby was in the hospital for 100 days. I was for 10 days in ICU. It's been crazy, up and down, since then. My son has behavioral issues my fiance doesn't handle well, the baby is okay now but she went through a whirlwind of issues as well. It's been VERY stressful. Not to mention my fiance has a lot going on....financial crisis, severe family problems, chronic Lyme Disease (he's unwell almost everyday....sometimes bed ridden). It's been insane, to say the least. The relationship withstood a lot, but he's really worn down. At the time of the EA, he was at his worst. Practically suicidal. If that gives perspective....

[Whoknew30]

I am in love with him. I love him very, very much so. So it hurts me to hear him say he doesn't have these feelings for me much anymore. He says he loves me and cares about me very much so....But I guess there's just something missing for him now. He says he's not feeling the way he should be feeling (right now) regardless of his love for me. The way I see it, being as we've been through A LOT in the 3+ years we've been together, relationships and feelings ebb and flow, do they not? I hear about this all the time. As long as the love remains, that's what counts. I hear a lot of successful marriages - the people involved say the marriage goes through phases. Is this just a phase? Will it ever get better?

 

The relationship, right now, isn't a very healthy one. It started out good, about 10 months in we both starting reconsidering....actually, he was more than I. Well, I ended up pregnant right at that time and we both re-commited and things were better. Time went along, ended up having her very premature - we both almost died in delivery. The baby was in the hospital for 100 days. I was for 10 days in ICU. It's been crazy, up and down, since then. My son has behavioral issues my fiance doesn't handle well, the baby is okay now but she went through a whirlwind of issues as well. It's been VERY stressful. Not to mention my fiance has a lot going on....financial crisis, severe family problems, chronic Lyme Disease (he's unwell almost everyday....sometimes bed ridden). It's been insane, to say the least. The relationship withstood a lot, but he's really worn down. At the time of the EA, he was at his worst. Practically suicidal. If that gives perspective....

 

 

You got pregnant at a time when you relationship was unstable & then the baby wasn't well...that is a HUGE problem bc now you have no idea if you would have happened if you didn't become pregnant. Him being sick is also another huge issue bc that's extremely stressful alone, now add all the stresses of a family & it's the perfect storm.

 

I would say that you have bigger problems than his ex...your relationship isn't stable. You guys should go to therapy as a couple & alone. You had two kids that you don't want affected but you became pregnant in only 10 months from a man you were having relationship problems with...that doesn't sound like a stable decision.

 

I understand you love him but I'm thinking you need some professional help not just for your relationship but yourself. Neither of you sound (going by what you've stated) like you're in a good place. Also marriages do have up & down but the reality is, you're not in a marriage...a child doesn't make you married. You want everything sorted before you take that step...good luck

[vanhalenfan]

I'm this has happened but to say we're Christian really doesn't have anything to do with it...you guys have a baby & aren't married, so you're not exactly living the the typical Christian lifestyle. Not a judgement but if he's not living it with you exactly why would you think he'd be living it in other aspects?

 

He should have told you but if he really did not go through it as he says, there isn't anyway to forgive it? People get cold feet before marriage & maybe this was his last blimp of that? How long have you been together? How long were you together before you became pregnant? Was the pregnancy planned?

 

All questions that would give a better perspective of reasons.

 

We are aware of the sin of having the pregnancy out of wedlock...painfully aware. It wasn't planned at all. It was one of the few times we gave into temptation. He goes through conviction almost everyday. Constantly asking for forgiveness. Almost to the point where it worries me that he can't move on from it and accept forgiveness.

 

We are trying to follow the Christian lifestyle as much as possible while dealing with our daughter. At first we weren't even living together, and were going to wait to get married and move in together. However, expenses were too high for 2 places and we had no choice but to move in all together. So here we have been for a year....The EA was actually RIGHT before we all moved in together. He was here alone at the time. Anyway, we were planning on marriage but there have been personal issues preventing us being able to take that step just yet. Now I am not so sure I even want to take that step since learning about this EA. We have problems we need to work on obviously.

 

I know he didn't go through with it, thank God, but what was said in those messages were hurtful and deceitful. I can and will forgive it but the trust needs to be rebuilt. I'm not sure what to do. I guess counseling is in order...

Edited September 9, 2016 by vanhalenfan

[Whoknew30]

We are aware of the sin of having the pregnancy out of wedlock...painfully aware. It wasn't planned at all. It was one of the few times we gave into temptation. He goes through conviction almost everyday. Constantly asking for forgiveness. Almost to the point where it worries me that he can't move on from it and accept forgiveness.

 

We are trying to follow the Christian lifestyle as much as possible while dealing with our daughter. At first we weren't even living together, and were going to wait to get married and move in together. However, expenses were too high for 2 places and we had no choice but to move in all together. So here we have been for a year....The EA was actually RIGHT before we all moved in together. He was here alone at the time. Anyway, we were planning on marriage but there have been personal issues preventing us being able to take that step just yet. Now I am not so sure I even want to take that step since learning about this EA. We have problems we need to work on obviously.

 

I know he didn't go through with it, thank God, but what was said in those messages were hurtful and deceitful. He should apologize.

 

He should absolutely apologize to you. I'm not judging you at all! I'm just saying there seems to be a lot of pressure & issues going on & you should seek outside help. How about your priest or pastor? Many give relationship counseling sessions & for free...also it would be Christian based which sounds right up your alley.

 

I was sick after marriage & the amount of pressure from it caused & huge rift in our marriage & we both had A. So I'm speaking from experience, that much pressure in only several years is a lot & anyone can crumble & handle pressure in the wrong way. Is it right, no but people are human & they can & do make the wrong choices at a bad time in their life. Hopefully you guys can figure it out.

 

My H & I A were 8 years ago & we're at such a better place, way better than before the A & our priest was a huge part of that journey...so there's hope for toe situation

[Lobe]

So it hurts me to hear him say he doesn't have these feelings for me much anymore. ....But I guess there's just something missing for him now.

 

Is this just a phase? Will it ever get better?

 

"I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore" is a crock of sh*t. Sorry. This is page from the poor manbaby handbook of not feeling special enough when the butterflies fade and a deeper love built on respect and trust settles in. It certainly ebbs and flows as we hit milestones and challenges in our lives, pulling us closer together at times of need and allowing us space when we need to grow, but it is ever present and does not peak and plummet like forbidden or new love. Nor should it.

 

Is this a phase? That depends entirely on HIM at this point, as only HE can determine if he wants to fix the relationship he's already invested in or throw in the towel and spend time fruitlessly scouring the earth looking for a love that lights his fire the way an affair does. But since affairs only flourish in secrecy and shrouded in lies, he will have a miserable and disappointing journey to look forward to.

 

It sounds like you guys have a lot going on, and that your marriage has not been a priority for some time. Make your fiance read Linda MacDonald, let him know that you are deeply hurt, let him know that you deserve more and if he can't or won't give you that you will not spend forever waiting for him to figure it out. Then you need to start the work of rebuilding your marriage or creating a healthy separation.

 

Can you speak to your pastor or minister or priest maybe?

[NTV]

He was angry with you? Lol I guess I could see that... I mean how dare you have suspicions check on them validate those suspicions with proof of their emotional affair and then bring it to light? I mean damn it's ultimately your fault for ruining his chance at having two relationships with two different women at the same time.

[BuddyX]

At best you are his Plan B. You deserve better.

 

This isn't about privacy. This is about his poor boundaries.

[vanhalenfan]

Well I decided I had to get out of the house with the kids. While I was gone at the park, fiance decided to look back on the conversation himself. I came in the door and he goes "Look. Did you read the ending of these messages?" She sent a pic of herself trying to look sexy and in response he sent a picture/list thing about what it means to be a Christian. She sent a sad face and that's when she defriended him. Somehow I didn't notice it last night. Not that that really changes things but at least the conversation did defend our faith and he used it to guard himself in the situation like we are supposed to do. He told me when he explained on the phone about how he's a Christian and can't participate in this after all she got really upset. That's why he said he's quite sure she's gone for good. He reassured me he isn't fooling around and won't and if he ever "wanted to" he wouldn't behind my back. But he said he really can't imagine even wanting to anyway due to many factors so just stop it and let it go.

 

Trust me I'm still livid and cautious and still unsure of what I want to do. He said he doesn't know if he wants to get married or not because of our differences and issues. If we do it'll be later than what I'd imagined because he doesn't want to rush into it. I mean...I can't argue that because honestly...with what's been happening I'm not sure either.

 

So....we can continue "trying" to make this work with good intentions....or...I can just decide this is too much for me and I won't be able to trust him and walk away.

Edited September 9, 2016 by vanhalenfan

[ladydesigner]

Well I decided I had to get out of the house with the kids. While I was gone at the park, fiance decided to look back on the conversation himself. I came in the door and he goes "Look. Did you read the ending of these messages?" She sent a pic of herself trying to look sexy and in response he sent a picture/list thing about what it means to be a Christian. She sent a sad face and that's when she defriended him. Somehow I didn't notice it last night. Not that that really changes things but at least the conversation did defend our faith and he used it to guard himself in the situation like we are supposed to do. He told me when he explained on the phone about how he's a Christian and can't participate in this after all she got really upset. That's why he said he's quite sure she's gone for good. He reassured me he isn't fooling around and won't and if he ever "wanted to" he wouldn't behind my back. But he said he really can't imagine even wanting to anyway due to many factors so just stop it and let it go.

 

Trust me I'm still livid and cautious and still unsure of what I want to do. He said he doesn't know if he wants to get married or not because of our differences and issues. If we do it'll be later than what I'd imagined because he doesn't want to rush into it. I mean...I can't argue that because honestly...with what's been happening I'm not sure either.

 

So....we can continue "trying" to make this work with good intentions....or...I can just decide this is too much for me and I won't be able to trust him and walk away.

 

If he is saying things like this I wouldn't M him.

[Lobe]

You don't have to decide right away. There is such a thing as an amicable if not civil divorce, and being incompatible spouses doesn't negate either party's ability to be a good and loving parent. If you've already accepted the fact your engagement was not on a solid foundation already, maybe this is a blessing in disguise.

[merrmeade]

Well I decided I had to get out of the house with the kids. While I was gone at the park, fiance decided to look back on the conversation himself. I came in the door and he goes "Look. Did you read the ending of these messages?" She sent a pic of herself trying to look sexy and in response he sent a picture/list thing about what it means to be a Christian. She sent a sad face and that's when she defriended him. Somehow I didn't notice it last night. Not that that really changes things but at least the conversation did defend our faith and he used it to guard himself in the situation like we are supposed to do. He told me when he explained on the phone about how he's a Christian and can't participate in this after all she got really upset. That's why he said he's quite sure she's gone for good. He reassured me he isn't fooling around and won't and if he ever "wanted to" he wouldn't behind my back. But he said he really can't imagine even wanting to anyway due to many factors so just stop it and let it go.

 

Trust me I'm still livid and cautious and still unsure of what I want to do. He said he doesn't know if he wants to get married or not because of our differences and issues. If we do it'll be later than what I'd imagined because he doesn't want to rush into it. I mean...I can't argue that because honestly...with what's been happening I'm not sure either.

 

So....we can continue "trying" to make this work with good intentions....or...I can just decide this is too much for me and I won't be able to trust him and walk away.

So what is his point? That he's innocent because he censured her sexy picture for being unChristian? What does that even have to do with his having cheated on you? He actually believes that excuses his having fostered a deep emotional attachment to another woman, which he hid from you. How on earth does that even make him a good Christian? So he shuns lascivious behavior but deceives and steals affection that he owes you and gives it to another?

 

The basis of his gaslighting treatment he may actually believe, but you need to understand how messed up it is. He's not answering the hurt and damage he's done to you. He's only assessing how "bad" or unChristian his behavior with her was and trying to get some points back for rejecting her lasciviousness. This is about his image! It's not even about what he owes you or how he's injured you.

 

The only kind of cheating spouse that responds this way to exposure is one that's completely wound up in ego and self-image. His reaction to the discovered affair is to try and prove he really is a good person after all - not how he has betrayed you.

 

Be careful with this. If you're sincere about your religious beliefs, then don't let him twist them for his own selfish ends.

[vanhalenfan]

I went to bed last night with a *slightly* more positive outlook, however, I woke up today with that same dread. I'm not sure I can do this. I'm not sure I can trust him without having the option to monitor his devices at my will for at least the time being until I am comfortable. It's one condition I am certain he won't comply with. He holds it over my head that "we're not married now" so that makes it not-so-bad. Nope, not for me. I am really hurt. He just keeps saying he's sorry for hurting me. But then he turns it around like, "It's not like we're some married couple with 3 kids and I jut got bored one day and went elsewhere." Our relationship has a messed up background and it seems like we're working backwards since we got pregnant before marriage. He's stuck on the part of being madly in love, like that's even realistic at this point in the relationship. We're never going to have that "honeymoon" stage again. It's like that's what he's looking for. What I have for him is a deep love and respect. I would never, ever, ever do to him what he did to me.

 

Now I have made the decision to seek therapy. I can't do this without counseling. Possibly even medication. I don't know.

[vanhalenfan]

Oh yeah, and he said I shouldn't be surprised at what I found. He said I knew he was unhappy and things we're not looking good at that point. He was extremely depressed at the time, like I said, practically suicidal. But he was unhappy with me too. He was at his lowest.

 

I told him I knew it was looking pretty bad, but I never thought he'd do that. I trusted him. He told me he had never cheated before and it wasn't his nature. How can I expect something like that?! Oh yeah, and then he said it wasn't really cheating. I am looking at it the wrong way. He said I looked at one snippet of the conversation..The worst part. That if I had read back years and years ago it wouldn't have appeared as bad. What?!

[whichwayisup]

We spoke more this morning. It was a rough night for me...Hardly slept and when I did sleep, I woke up in a panic. It was awful. He is still on with "you violated my privacy" BS. He told me more about the woman. Supposedly she is obsessed with him, always has been, comes around every few years to tell him she thinks they belong together, starts telling him what he wants to hear...so he fell into the trap when he was in a very bad place but didn't take the bait.

 

We agreed to keep trying, but it feels like he's in it only for our daughter. I don't want a relationship like that.

 

By the way, he was engaged to this woman. Yep....Supposedly had great chemistry yadda yadda yadda....Like I need to hear that. But for a few reasons it didn't work out. He said if he wanted to be with her he would be, or with anyone else but he chooses to stay with me. We are trying but there's no guarantees. We find too much fault in each ofher....compatability issues...I guess we are trying to be more accepting of each other. Is that even possible?

 

I don't know. I am really confused and hurt.

 

By the way, on that phone call he told her he is a Christian and can't participate in the.affair. So for that reason and for our daughter, he stepped away.

 

Have you spoken to this old ex? If not, speak to her, find out her side. Seems he's blaming her for everything and I highly doubt she was the only one making plans. He is not owning anything and he's gaslighting/denying which just proves he's NOT feeling bad about what he's done. Sadly, he'll do it again and again.

 

Ask for help from friends and family, move out, get a job and make it on your own. You can do this! Better than staying with someone who treats you like crap and you can't trust him.

[merrmeade]

I never thought he'd do that. I trusted him. He told me he had never cheated before and it wasn't his nature. How can I expect something like that?! Oh yeah, and then he said it wasn't really cheating. I am looking at it the wrong way. He said I looked at one snippet of the conversation..The worst part. That if I had read back years and years ago it wouldn't have appeared as bad. What?!

YEARS AND YEARS? How much more is there to look at????

 

It always blows my mind how (a) they've lied to us and cheated, yet (b) we're supposed to believe their explanations and interpretations of what they did. The problem and shock of it is that THEY don't get it. I guarantee that he really believes you should not question his honor or truthfulness and is indignant that you question his veracity. He's used to being believed just because he puts on a show of sincerity.

 

It should be really clear to you now and the logic simple:

a) He lied and cheated.

b) He's done nothing to redeem himself or regain your trust and has no reason to expect it of you.

 

You need to be clear about this. You've done nothing wrong and owe him nothing in this situation and should convey in body and word that a show isn't enough and he has no right to expect or demand your trust.

[standtall]

VH...be careful here...before you do anything rash, get more info about his betrayal.

 

There is a huge chorus of different voices here and a lot of advice at times to encourage you to blow up your marriage....for a variety of reasons....anywhere from unresolved resentment to pure entertainment.

 

You have to do what is right for you and your marriage...it is not always what worked for them.

Edited September 10, 2016 by standtall