Can I keep this hidden from my BF indefinitely? [update: told BF]

[DrReplyInRhymes]

It's probably all in my head. I have heard all types of comments when I mentioned it in the past. Hard to ignore those.

 

I'll give my 2 cents for giggles, because, well...why not,

I'd share this information carefully if it's got you this distraught!

Be sure to note that the communication is platonic, demonstrably so,

But be sure to be ready to ask questions if he may have some to know.

 

To think he's been left in the dark when everyone else already knew,

May not sit kindly with him, in fact, as someone announced, even misconstrued,

If you are texting him in the middle of night, or hiding email conversations from him,

It may come down to having to choose, and I think we all know who would win.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

You came here to ask about it...so it's a big deal to you.

 

You are also holding your breath and stopping your heart when your family is having casual conversations about your boss/ex.

 

I think those are the reasons why you should tell...as clearly it bothers you and is something you feel anxious about or make into a big thing if it comes up.

 

Agreed, why all the anxiety for this "undisclosed" piece of news,

When there's really a limited number options of which you can choose!

[Redhead14]

I am not afraid he will leave me.

 

I am afraid he will see me differently.

 

Differently? How? Gaeta, the problem now, really, is that by raising this issue "in your head", you have kinda opened a pandora's box for yourself. I say this, because, now you've set yourself up to be walking on eggshells waiting for that "bomb" to drop. The best thing to do is to "diffuse" the bomb before it explodes. I mean, everytime you and he are around people who know all this and being afraid that the cat will be let out of the bag. That's not going to be comfortable. He'll sense something is up at some point. He just will. And, that's the thing that will make hearing the information later a possible issue.

 

I'd wait for a nice, quite time when you two are doing something like, say cooking a dinner together, and casually ask him about something from his past and then share your story. Just keep things light, conversational, matter of fact. If you do it with a "goal" in mind, you may come off as nervous, etc. Be relaxed about it. It's just information not something he needs to be concerned about.

[Gaeta]

If you are texting him in the middle of night, or hiding email conversations from him,

It may come down to having to choose, and I think we all know who would win.

 

I must ask as it's the second time someone suggest that.

 

Why are you guys talking about emailing or texting in the middle of the night?

 

I have not seen my boss in 3 years, maybe more. I run the show here and I report to him when needed that's maybe once a week.

[TunaCat]

Normally, I don't think a guy has to know EVERYTHING about your past, but given that you are hiding this from him and EVERYONE else already knows about it, he's going to feel upset when you finally tell him. He might also feel like you kept this from him deliberately.

 

If there's nothing between you and your boss anymore, why haven't you told your current guy? If he bails, then he wasn't the one for you.

[Gaeta]

If you are texting him in the middle of night, or hiding email conversations from him,

It may come down to having to choose, and I think we all know who would win.

 

Look at what people assume when I tell I work for my ex.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Sorry for the confusion, that was supposed to be an "aren't".

[katiegrl]

Sorry for the confusion, that was supposed to be an "aren't".

 

DrReply, no she meant you are assuming she has some ongoing RL with him, wherein they're communicating daily, texting, etc.

 

She has posted this before a few times, she does not interact with him on a daily basis, ONCE a week tops.

 

There is no choosing here, she has not even seen her boss in three years.

Edited September 12, 2016 by katiegrl

[Leigh 87]

I dunno.

 

Who really cares though? I mean, since there is nothing sinister at play, why rock the boat? You are not doing anything wrong so why have to declare something that NO man really wants to hear?

 

Some men would be cool with you working for an ex. But most men would rather that you don't, LOL.

 

I know that most men would rather you not work for an exes company and feel funny about it initially.

 

So then it seems pointless in telling him something that will likely make him a little uneasy an uncomfortable at first - when it is all innocent anyway.

 

Unless there is a fair chance that your BF will find out you dated your boss - I wouldn't bother telling my BF. He would only feel bad about the fact my ex was in my life in any which way. He would trust me but he certainly wouldn't like it. Just seems a waste of bad news to tell a guy when nothing bad is going on.

[Leigh 87]

Look at what people assume when I tell I work for my ex.

 

It is true sadly Gaeta, some skanky women really do ruin it for all of us loyal bunch....

 

My own BF would deal with it and trust me without loosing much sleep. However, he would feel uneasy about it and worry from time to time if I was in fact, doing my ex on the desk after office hours:lmao:

 

I mean, just because YOU know how the company works - that you do not come into contact with ex - your BF doesn't know that, he can only take your word.

 

Trust me: MOST men are going to have visions of you shagging your ex in the office. It is irrational sure, but again - some crappy women have tainted this for those of us who can keep loyal in such predicaments.

[katiegrl]

It is true sadly Gaeta, some skanky women really do ruin it for all of us loyal bunch....

 

My own BF would deal with it and trust me without loosing much sleep. However, he would feel uneasy about it and worry from time to time if I was in fact, doing my ex on the desk after office hours:lmao:

 

I mean, just because YOU know how the company works - that you do not come into contact with ex - your BF doesn't know that, he can only take your word.

 

Trust me: MOST men are going to have visions of you shagging your ex in the office. It is irrational sure, but again - some crappy women have tainted this for those of us who can keep loyal in such predicaments.

 

Sure Gaeta could follow this advice and then pray that no one who knows the truth (family, friends, co-workers) spills the beans to her bf one day... during a family gathering, out with friends, social/work event.

 

That's a hell of a thing to have to pray for and live with.

 

When all she has to do is tell him and TRUST that he loves her, won't go off the rails and understands that it's NOT a big deal.

[Leigh 87]

Sure Gaeta could follow this advice and then pray that no one who knows the truth (family, friends, co-workers) spills the beans to her bf one day... during a family gathering, out with friends, social/work event.

 

That's a hell of a thing to have to pray for and live with.

 

When all she has to do is tell him and TRUST that he loves her, won't go off the rails and understands that it's NOT a big deal.

 

Well that is the reason I would tell him.

 

If no one else knew but me there is no way I would bother telling - if there was slim to no chance of my BF finding out. I would not tell.

 

My own BF wouldn't go off the rails - he just wouldn't ever like it. He would act fine about it but I just know how men work in this regard. When they really cherish a woman, they just plain do not like them working near their exes in any way. That's is not to says he will not be okay with it and that he cannot go on about his life without loosing much sleep over it.

 

No normal guy should really be super affected by this, No guy would like it but they prob wouldn't feel totally awful about it either.

 

Given that everyone else knows I think the BF should know - since it is sort of an insult that they all know.

 

As a principal though - I OMIT things that my BF would hate and hold no relevance. If I bump in to a guy I once had great chemistry with and hooked up with - you can be sure I will not tell him about it.

[katiegrl]

 

When they really cherish a woman, they just plain do not like them working near their exes in any way.

 

No normal guy should really be super affected by this, No guy would like it but they prob wouldn't feel totally awful about it either.

 

Given that everyone else knows I think the BF should know - since it is sort of an insult that they all know.

 

 

 

 

Gaeta doesn't work near her boss... she has not even seen him in three years!

 

They speak about once a WEEK, tops.

 

This has been mentioned several times.

 

It is not and should not be a big deal at all and if not for the fact that he is bound to find out from someone else at some point down the road, I might feel differently about her needing to tell him.

 

If he does find out via another source, I agree it's a huge insult to him. He would also lose trust and wonder what else she is withholding.

 

And without trust, there is nothing IMHO.

Edited September 13, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Popsicle]

I say tell him, but try to bring up up casually and not make a big deal out of it.

[Gaeta]

There was a lot of good advice in this thread, thank you all for punching in.

 

I took the bull by the horn last night and told him. At first he said he did not understand what I meant so I went back to square one and connected the dots for him. I had already told him I was with someone 4 years after my divorce. The part missing was that that someone had been my boss for 13 years.

 

His mind was all over the place.

 

His first reaction was so E stole your man? (E being boss's wife) I didn't know what to answer to that. I said I never considered she had stolen him from me. They got married 4 years after we split. He asked a few questions about her and I, If E knew about it (yes) if she resented me (absolutely not).

 

He asked if there was currently a lot of tension between boss and I so I explained the first 3-4 years were hell for me but things settled and now we have been working in peace for years. He commented I had to be a very strong woman to manage through that.

 

BF said but I am sure he loved you even if he cheated. I said yes I know he loved me but I didn't want a life of convenience. He was not a one time cheater but a chronic cheater. There was nothing to salvage.

 

I could see the wheels going around and around in his head.

 

Suddenly he says: why aren't you a shareholder? you helped him build these companies from nothing, you should be a shareholder. He seemed quite upset about this. I said I was not interested in being linked to him professionally or personally. He said I am linked to him I work for him. I don't see it that way, I can quit anytime I want. He didn't see it that way.

 

So at the end I asked if it was something important to him, and he said no, it was not important.

 

But like Leigh said men will say no it's not important but then deep inside they are bothered.

 

He woke up really early this morning. He kissed me good morning while I was still half asleep and said: you do put the bar high. I was too asleep to react.

 

During breakfast we spoke about our day ahead and I made a joke about E and he did not react or acknowledge. Still processing? I don't know.

[Leigh 87]

Gatea,

 

Well done. I hate having to deal with these types of situations.

 

My BF sounds very similar to yours when it comes to the jealously thing; he cares, he doesn't like it but he will not be a looser about it. He will let it go but carry some mild paranoid feelings surrounding ANYTHING related to other men.

 

He let me hang with my ex alone once. He was cool, didn't act like a controlling monster. But you know, I could sense he just was not comfortable. So I didn't see the guy again.

 

There ARE men who are totally cool with the hanging with exes crap, working for exes, being buffs with exes... But yeah, most men will be a bit jelly!

 

And again - just because YOU know that you DO NOT work closely with the ex - your BF DOESN'T know this to be fact! He is not there - for all he knows, your ex could be walking the corridors more often than you let on.

 

There shouldn't be a problem I suspect. He may mention it again but nothing major.

 

Glad it turned out well!

[Art_Critic]

you do put the bar high.

 

BTW, good for you for having the conversation.. it sounds like it was a mature responsible, healing one...

 

How did you take this comment I quoted ?

 

I think it sounds like he paid you a huge compliment.. meaning last night was huge and now he has to also look at the ultimate in confession and intimacy as the bar he needs to look at...

[Hopeful30]

Please don't be offended, but this is so silly!

 

If you're worried about being honest with your man, either you need to figure out why you're insecure about telling him, or you need to realize that you're with a man who isn't secure enough to handle the truth.

 

Don't base your decision on what you read here. This is a place of thousands of different people, all with different background who will genuinely feel different things to the same situations people talk about. Don't let that spill into how you behave in relationships. Just do you.

 

I thought this big secret would be a child you had together or you killed someone. Ohh! The mind does love to dramatize.

[elaine567]

 

I think it sounds like he paid you a huge compliment.. meaning last night was huge and now he has to also look at the ultimate in confession and intimacy as the bar he needs to look at...

 

OK maybe,, but I saw it as saying Gareta has just placed a very high hurdle in his way and now he has to decide if he can or he wants to jump it.

I think the getting up very early and the lack of response to the "joke", is another indication that he ain't that happy about it.

 

The problem here is that not only has he to contend with the fact he knew nothing about all this, but also that the boss/ex is not some distant 4 year relationship 12 years ago (no big deal for most), but Gaeta has been communicating with this man weekly and will continue to do so as long as she manages his companies for him.

Not just a past "problem", but an ongoing one for her bf.

[joseb]

OK maybe,, but I saw it as saying Gareta has just placed a very high hurdle in his way and now he has to decide if he can or he wants to jump it.

I think the getting up very early and the lack of response to the "joke", is another indication that he ain't that happy about it.

 

The problem here is that not only has he to contend with the fact he knew nothing about all this, but also that the boss/ex is not some distant 4 year relationship 12 years ago (no big deal for most), but Gaeta has been communicating with this man weekly and will continue to do so as long as she manages his companies for him.

Not just a past "problem", but an ongoing one for her bf.

 

Yeah I would read it that way too.

 

Well done on telling him Gaeta though. It had to happen I think.

And I think it will be OK. He probably just needs a little time to process.

[Gaeta]

OK maybe,, but I saw it as saying Gareta has just placed a very high hurdle in his way and now he has to decide if he can or he wants to jump it.

I think the getting up very early and the lack of response to the "joke", is another indication that he ain't that happy about it.

 

The problem here is that not only has he to contend with the fact he knew nothing about all this, but also that the boss/ex is not some distant 4 year relationship 12 years ago (no big deal for most), but Gaeta has been communicating with this man weekly and will continue to do so as long as she manages his companies for him.

Not just a past "problem", but an ongoing one for her bf.

 

I knew ahead of time he would be getting up earlier he needed to be at work super early. It's not related to our conversation. As for the joke I felt he was intentionally not saying anything, I didn't insist.

 

I may ask him tonight what he meant with 'raising the bar'.

 

Before I felt free to talk about work and about my days. I felt free to say things like my boss had called with the stupidest request and then we'd laugh about it. That might become a thing from the past.

[GemmaUK]

Of course he needs time to process this.

Much of the time he has so far known about it he will have been asleep!

 

I would go a little bit easy on comments about E just now - be a little sensitive to that.

He is bound to have more questions and you need to be sensitive to those also.

 

Sounds to me from his high bar comment that he feels there's some competition he is feeling towards his new found knowledge which is natural and understandable.

 

So glad you told him, good for you!

[Methodical]

I think you look the high road by deciding to not hide a past relationship with a man who is still a part of your life, albeit business related and not on a daily basis.

 

As for setting the bar high, your bf has a platonic gf he talks to and you take no issue with that because you trust him. This will gauge his level of trust with you. You want a two-way street without hidden idiosyncrasies - a level playing field.

 

At least now you won't have to walk around hoping nobody accidentally spills the beans that opens a Pandora's box of omissions and intents. That's should speak volumes about your character . Nicely done, sister!

[jen1447]

Good job G.

 

Yeah this was somewhat significant news so it's not like it'll just go over no problem. He just needs some time to deal. I have a feeling it'll all be fine - not the least reason being that now it's not a prohibited topic.

[ManyDissapoint]

Not an issue at all. It could become one if you keep hiding it though.