joseb Posted September 9, 2016 Posted September 9, 2016 I still would not recommend asking your parents and work colleagues to not say anything though... that just puts a whole different spin on this whole thing, like you are intentionally withholding info, keeping secrets.... implying this is a bigger deal that it is or should be. Yeah I think that's a slippery slope. I think you need to tell him, but in a way that makes it clear it's not a really big deal, and also convey the fact that you weren't hiding it, it's just something that didn't come up...if you can. Personally, I would not have an issue with it as you have explained it here. But you need to take care how the message is delivered. 2
gorf Posted September 9, 2016 Posted September 9, 2016 (edited) So I see 2 choices. A) I tell boyfriend B) I tell everyone around me to not bring it up. Thats tough geta. Secret or no secret. It was a long time ago. 4 year relationship. He is your boss. Ok but you are hiding it. At some point I figure your man will find out. He will see a picture or see a name on some company letter.. he will see or hear something. How do you think he will react to know you have been keeping this from him vs him being the one to find out? Its almost never healthy to keep an ex in the pic, especially from a man point of view. A long time in the past yes, but it was also a 4 year relationship. Thats pretty substancial. You say you have no emotional connection with the ex anymore, but the longer you keep it a secret and especially if your new man is the one to find out rather than be told... how much do you think he is going to believe that. He will start to be suspicious as to why you have kept it a secret for so long. At this point the "I didnt mention cause he is irrelevent to me now" probably wont work. Not only is he an ex, but he is a man still controlling a part of your life. Bottom line is, this is a man that presumably you were physical with, he has seen you naked, you made life choices with him together and had a connection with.. and now this man tells you what to do. And has for years. And this makes you a salary. And its a secret from your new man. Could this be concerning to him? Maybe, or due to time maybe not. But I would always assume when an ex is in the picture, that at some point your new partner will find out. They just will. And you don't want to wait for him to be the one to find out on his own, that right there is the crap that hits the fan. So its better to get it out. Edited September 9, 2016 by gorf 2
Art_Critic Posted September 9, 2016 Posted September 9, 2016 Gaeta, just tell him.. it's no big deal.. everybody is different and has their own past story with an Ex.. so yours is different than his and you work for your Ex... The more you make out of it the more he will make out of it.. Bring up the conversation in a manner that doesn't make it look like your were hiding it and it will go fine... "Hey.. I have something to tell you and wanted you to know so you you don't feel weird one day, my Ex from 12 years ago.. so and so..is my boss at work so if you hear his name used congruently with the word Ex you will know what's up"... Something like that... 4
katiegrl Posted September 9, 2016 Posted September 9, 2016 Thats tough geta. Secret or no secret. It was a long time ago. 4 year relationship. He is your boss. Ok but you are hiding it. At some point I figure your man will find out. He will see a picture or see a name on some company letter.. he will see or hear something. How do you think he will react to know you have been keeping this from him vs him being the one to find out? Its almost never healthy to keep an ex in the pic, especially from a man point of view. A long time in the past yes, but it was also a 4 year relationship. Thats pretty substancial. You say you have no emotional connection with the ex anymore, but the longer you keep it a secret and especially if your new man is the one to find out rather than be told... how much do you think he is going to believe that. He will start to be suspicious as to why you have kept it a secret for so long. At this point the "I didnt mention cause he is irrelevent to me now" probably wont work. Not only is he an ex, but he is a man still controlling a part of your life. Bottom line is, this is a man that presumably you were physical with, he has seen you naked, you made life choices with him together and had a connection with.. and now this man tells you what to do. And has for years. And this makes you a salary. And its a secret from your new man. Could this be concerning to him? Maybe, or due to time maybe not. But I would always assume when an ex is in the picture, that at some point your new partner will find out. They just will. And you don't want to wait for him to be the one to find out on his own, that right there is the crap that hits the fan. So its better to get it out. G, gorf makes some good points and also, disclosing this and how your bf reacts to it will give some major insight into who HE is (secure, insecure, too fragile of an ego)... which will help in determining if this a man YOU wish to continue forward with and possibly spend your life with. You have said yourself, the reason we date (and at less than a year in you are still discovering things about each other)... is to determine whether or not someone is right for us in the long term. It's time to share. Either he and the bond you share together will withstand it or it won't. Time to find out. 1
elaine567 Posted September 9, 2016 Posted September 9, 2016 I am not actually sure what you should do, as yes the mind movies of you and he in the office may be a concern for your bf, but I do know that if I found out my bf's job entailed managing his ex's companies, I would feel a bit of a fool, I would feel out on a limb, I would feel everyone knows this but me, I would feel a bit conspired against. I would not be particularly happy. I would wonder why he never told me upfront at the start and unfortunately I would feel pretty insecure once I knew about it too. But that may be just me, someone else may take it in their stride. A difficult one. 2
GemmaUK Posted September 9, 2016 Posted September 9, 2016 I vote for telling him. it's no biggie. You mentioned that the conversation about your abuser was irrelevant to the two of you - which means that your guy isn't controlling, possessive, needy, insecure etc and all those traits that go with an abuser. Be prepared he might be a bit curious and ask a few questions, he might even take a little time to process it but I don't think it'll phase him. Plus you're good friend's with your ex's new wife and your new man has met her. Looking at the bigger picture your ex trusted you to look after his businesses - not many ex's would attribute that much trust in someone. 2
Author Gaeta Posted September 9, 2016 Author Posted September 9, 2016 Bottom line is, this is a man that presumably you were physical with, he has seen you naked, you made life choices with him together and had a connection with.. and now this man tells you what to do. And has for years. And this makes you a salary. And its a secret from your new man. OUFF you brought this to a whole new level eh! 2
DrReplyInRhymes Posted September 9, 2016 Posted September 9, 2016 Bottom line is, this is a man that presumably you were physical with, he has seen you naked, you made life choices with him together and had a connection with.. and now this man tells you what to do. And has for years. And this makes you a salary. And its a secret from your new man. /thread......... 1
Timshel Posted September 9, 2016 Posted September 9, 2016 I told him a tiny bit about my abusive marriage and it felt absolutely awful to me and I regretted it at the moment I opened my mouth. It sounded so irrelevant to him and I. The only relevancy is that this is your past. This is one of many circumstances that have shaped you. It is impossible, bar lobotomy, that any individual would not filter the present through the past. This said, an awareness that this is occurring allows these memories to flow through you. You become an observer....learner....and so are free. My relationship with any man before the man I am with today is irrelevant except for what I have learned is tremendously valuable and I would be speaking out of my mouth now instead of from my heart. I may be wrong Gaeta, but I sense a need from you to present perfection or something flawless to this guy. I'm not speaking of messy hair or farting....I mean, you really do seem to take effort to 'not rock the boat' with any perceived unpleasantness. Has it occurred to you that he may have a 'bombshell' or two of his own? Why not start the next phase of your relationship with an attitude of transparency in all things and see where it goes. If this is a house built on a sturdy foundation then it will only get better. 3
xxoo Posted September 9, 2016 Posted September 9, 2016 Option B is completely unreasonable, so if those are the only two options, go with A. I'd want to know if an important ex is in my SO's life, if for no other reason other than being included in the knowledge everyone else has. 3
jen1447 Posted September 9, 2016 Posted September 9, 2016 I think the only thing that makes this compromising is the notion of a 'coverup.' If this guy was just an ex that it never occurred to you to mention to your BF (like most exes most likely), eh, that'd be fine and if it came out you'd just spontaneously say "oh yeah I dated him." (Putting myself in your shoes, there's no way I could possibly frontload info about all my exes and other conquests into a relationship, haha, so the idea sounds silly. ) That said, the fact that you're trying to maneuver behind the scenes (or considering it) to make sure he doesn't find out suddenly makes this more like a conspiracy, and that's a diff animal altogether. In that scenario you're deliberately withholding info from him you don't want out, which means you're actively misleading him. That's the version that makes you into a more sinister character if you go w it. 4
Satu Posted September 9, 2016 Posted September 9, 2016 I just can't see any negative consequences of you telling him. From what you've said about him, he seems to be a well-balanced guy who is really into you. What negative consequences do you see as a possibility? 2
gorf Posted September 10, 2016 Posted September 10, 2016 OUFF you brought this to a whole new level eh! Not really. I mean, these are facts you are facing. The more you hold it back from him, the more he is going to be suspicious about why you held it back. Wheels are going to turn and spin faster the longer it goes on hidden. Presume he is going to find out in some way at some point in time. 1
Gershwin Posted September 10, 2016 Posted September 10, 2016 I had a huge fight with my bf who didn't mention he went out with a colleague of his a few months before we dated. It wasn't even the fact that they went out. It was bcs there were plenty of times where the opportunities came where he could have told me casually & he didn't, so I had to wonder why. His stance is the same as yours. The fight would be completely avoidable if he had just told me outright. I would feel so blindsided if they actually went out for four years & I had no idea.
Author Gaeta Posted September 10, 2016 Author Posted September 10, 2016 What negative consequences do you see as a possibility? In my few years of dating and searching I have sometimes mentioned it. Lets say to test drive it. I heard all kinds of stupid reactions like suggesting we still have sex to why not write myself a check and run away. This has been my experience with 'telling'. At least this time I take comfort in the fact I am not dating an idiot like I did in the past.
ThisisIt606 Posted September 10, 2016 Posted September 10, 2016 (edited) [] I think you should tell him, it seems like it's already hard to live with the anxiety that someone would "spill the beans" about you and your boss/ex. It seems best that he hears it from you rather than anyone else. You can let him know you wanted to be the one who tells him so he gets 100% accurate first hand information that you are over your ex and nothing scandalous is going on with you and your boss now. Edited September 10, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Topical content 1
menyou Posted September 10, 2016 Posted September 10, 2016 Two things point in the direction of telling your BF. Firstly, if you have to debate telling your BF about this, then that's enough to show that if it were you hearing that his boss was an exGF you might be worried. Secondly, your EX is a constant in your life. If you further your relationship with your BF he is bound to find out and most likely not from you. At which point it looks as if you WERE hiding that fact.
JoeSmith357-1 Posted September 10, 2016 Posted September 10, 2016 Tell your BF, this isnt a big as long as you make it perfectly clear that it is done... and no feelings are there. But if the door is still open, excessive texts, texts in the middle of the night, stuff like that, he's gonna flip out
Author Gaeta Posted September 12, 2016 Author Posted September 12, 2016 So this weekend I was looking for opportunities to tell him. At some point I said: We know pretty much nothing about each other's past. He said: You're right, one day we'll have to sit and go over that. At least we both have the same philosophy, the present is important and don't care much about the past.
katiegrl Posted September 12, 2016 Posted September 12, 2016 So this weekend I was looking for opportunities to tell him. At some point I said: We know pretty much nothing about each other's past. He said: You're right, one day we'll have to sit and go over that. At least we both have the same philosophy, the present is important and don't care much about the past. Gaeta, but he is NOT your past, he is your PRESENT. He is you boss presently, no? Why are you so damn afraid to tell him? I don't get it and think it is so wrong on so many levels as discussed throughout this thread.. If you are so afraid he is gonna leave you because of it, or you're so afraid of his reaction that the alternative is to keep secrets, then that is a bigger issue than the fact your ex of 12 years ago is your current boss. Good luck.
Author Gaeta Posted September 12, 2016 Author Posted September 12, 2016 I am not afraid he will leave me. I am afraid he will see me differently.
katiegrl Posted September 12, 2016 Posted September 12, 2016 (edited) I am not afraid he will leave me. I am afraid he will see me differently. Well as I said in my previous, that is the bigger issue IMO. Being afraid to disclose something you KNOW you should disclose to your significant other due to fear does not a healthy RL make. Why would he see you differently? You are the SAME woman as before you told him. Edited September 12, 2016 by katiegrl
Author Gaeta Posted September 12, 2016 Author Posted September 12, 2016 It's probably all in my head. I have heard all types of comments when I mentioned it in the past. Hard to ignore those.
MissBee Posted September 12, 2016 Posted September 12, 2016 I have an old, very old semi-secret that I do not want to disclose to my BF. Pretty much everybody around me (family, friends, colleagues) know of it so I am afraid one of these days someone will say something. My last long term relationship ended in 2004. This man and I were together for 4 years, we had a house together and the whole nine yard. The secret is that this ex owns the company I work for, he is my boss. With everything I read on here on men unable to handle their GF having an ex in her life I am getting worried. BF and I spent last weekend at my parents. At breakfast table I said something about work and my dad replied by naming my boss by his first name. I stopped breathing for a moment. Afterward I told mom my BF did not know my boss is my ex and don't wish to bring it up either. Boss and I history is so old I don't view him as an ex anymore. Our contacts are strictly professional and he has never, not even once, act unprofessional around me in the past 12 years. So I see 2 choices. A) I tell boyfriend B) I tell everyone around me to not bring it up. Dilemma dilemma! I can't really see how keeping secrets, especially one that everyone else knows, or where other people will now have to "be careful" or "be in on it" would be a good idea... It seems your motivation, like so many other people who either keep secrets, lie, or misrepresent, is wanting to control the outcome and being scared of how the other person will react. I get it, we all do it...but in the end, if you are in a relationship that only floats because things are hidden or if you fear the truth will end it or make things weird, is that really the relationship for you? This isn't really a big deal IMO but making it a secret is what will make it seem even shadier if it does come to light. I'd say, mention it to him and keep it moving. For me, my standard in a relationship is that I need to be my whole self and tell the whole truth and a man worthy of me will accept it. It's like my best friend, it's not that she agrees or approves of every decision in my life, but no one can tell her something surprising or shocking that will make us not be friends. I see my romantic partnership in the same way. My guy should know everything and no other person out there should have "dirt" or "secrets" about me that I have to worry can pop up and ruin things...if someone pops up and tells him something he should be like "Oh yea, she told me..." That's the ultimate intimacy and closeness IMO. 1
MissBee Posted September 12, 2016 Posted September 12, 2016 That is also my point, it was 12 years ago so why tell? You came here to ask about it...so it's a big deal to you. You are also holding your breath and stopping your heart when your family is having casual conversations about your boss/ex. I think those are the reasons why you should tell...as clearly it bothers you and is something you feel anxious about or make into a big thing if it comes up. 1
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