Can I keep this hidden from my BF indefinitely? [update: told BF]

[Gaeta]

I hear ya ... that info would not have sat well with my ex either... but he was extremely jealous, and in retrospect, controlling, which was extremely exhausting at times!

 

But Gaeta, you HAVE to tell him. Explain to him what you did here, it was soooooo long ago, you don't even consider him an ex! Nor have you even seen him in three years!

 

God forbid, someone in your family slips up, or you are out with work colleagues and someone mentions it to him.

 

At that point, NOT telling him becomes the bigger issue, dealbreaker in fact.

 

You willing to risk that?

 

 

 

 

sigh....and 8 years ago boss remarried. His wife and I are good friends, we work together, we do activities outside of work together, we help each other with stuff all the time. My BF has met her several times and she likes BF very much and BF appreciates her as much.

 

So I don't have a relationship with my boss but I have one with his wife.

[Toodaloo]

Gaeta I would tell him but only if the subject comes up and then be very indifferent to it.

 

Its a non issue for you personally so treat it as such.

 

But yes. He should know. It is better coming from you.

 

Its easier to live with the truth because then you do not have to hide anything.

[maryjanekelly]

We have been dating 10 months. My BF has never asked questions about my past and would never ask indiscreet questions like if I had something with boss etc etc.

 

Of course he knows I was married for 15 years and had another 4 year relationship but he never asked details. He is really the live and let live type.

 

He might understand why it hasn't come up if he's the live and let live type then. I would tell him simply to let it off my chest, and so there are no secrets between you two.

[SoThatHappened]

That is also my point, it was 12 years ago so why tell?

Because it bothers you enough to even think about having everyone you know try to keep it a secret.

 

Because it bothers you enough to post it on an online forum.

 

Just get that weight off of you and be honest.

 

12 years is a long time for both partners to have moved on completely from a romantic relationship (I hope).

[CaliGypsy]

If the roles were reversed,would you want to know?

 

The stress of trying to keep it a secret sure seems exhausting.

 

Seems sort of akin to having an ex husband who you have kids with still in the picture. You don't what to be with that person anymore but you have kids so a certain amount of contact is necessary. In your case you now have a cordial business relationship. Deliberately keeping the past relationship a secret could potentially make your new partner feel like it's something it's not if he found out through another avenue.

[Gaeta]

Because it bothers you enough to even think about having everyone you know try to keep it a secret.

 

Because it bothers you enough to post it on an online forum.

 

Just get that weight off of you and be honest.

 

12 years is a long time for both partners to have moved on completely from a romantic relationship (I hope).

 

It has not bothered me in the past 10 months, I didn't give it a thought. Then this weekend with my father naming the boss by name I realized maybe I have a secret I need to disclose. Also reading on here all those talk of men not wanting their GF around exs don't help.

[Gaeta]

If the roles were reversed,would you want to know?

 

hhmm not sure I'd want to know. I am really not the inquisitive type. Actually my BF has a female friend he speaks often of and I have been wondering if she was an ex or something. I never got to ask him because I don't care. I trust him what ever the answer is.

 

So the answer is, no, I don't care to know about if he had relationships with people in his circle of friends.

[Toodaloo]

It has not bothered me in the past 10 months, I didn't give it a thought. Then this weekend with my father naming the boss by name I realized maybe I have a secret I need to disclose. Also reading on here all those talk of men not wanting their GF around exs don't help.

 

Well just tell him that it wasn't until your Dad said that it came to mind that he should know. Shrug your shoulders and say that you just don't want him to have any surprises and that is how your parents know your boss.

[Timshel]

That is also my point, it was 12 years ago so why tell?

 

Gaeta, to tell or not isn't about him, it's about you. What kind of relationship do you want with this man?

Some people want to skate on a glittery ice pond relationship....always trying though not to crack the surface.

 

If you want him to know you and if you want to know that he chooses and loves you because the landscape of the past has brought you to now, then tell him. If you want to know him similarly, sharing with him....no, trusting him and further bringing him into intimacy (that others already have with this knowledge) would be a good place to start.

 

Honesty is an amazing filter for distinguishing between the riff raff and the real deals.

 

Why would a man who loves you, Gaeta, leave you over this? Come on now....if he does, Pffft.

[Gaeta]

Why would a man who loves you, Gaeta, leave you over this? Come on now....if he does, Pffft.

 

I can't imagine he would leave me but I am afraid it would change his opinion or image of me. It may also make him feel inferior in some aspect. My ex is a wealthy man.

 

I was told once by a nobody I briefly dated that no man would seriously engage with a woman in my situation.

[clia]

It was 12 years ago. I don't see any reason why you need to bring it up or tell him. Obviously you don't want to lie about it, but I don't see any reason why it's even relevant to anything at this point. I think if you bring it up, it makes it seem like a big deal or something you are worried about. I honestly wouldn't even give it a second thought.

[Lansing]

Personally, I would just leave it. If it comes up in conversation have that conversation. Definitely do not tell people to hide it... if you do that then it does become some weird kind of "secret".

 

Right now, it is just something that hasn't come up and there is no need to mention something like that which happened 12+ years ago

[katiegrl]

Gaeta, to tell or not isn't about him, it's about you. What kind of relationship do you want with this man?

Some people want to skate on a glittery ice pond relationship....always trying though not to crack the surface.

 

If you want him to know you and if you want to know that he chooses and loves you because the landscape of the past has brought you to now, then tell him. If you want to know him similarly, sharing with him....no, trusting him and further bringing him into intimacy (that others already have with this knowledge) would be a good place to start.

 

Honesty is an amazing filter for distinguishing between the riff raff and the real deals.

 

Why would a man who loves you, Gaeta, leave you over this? Come on now....if he does, Pffft.

 

100% on board with this^^, and from reading your other threads, this is not the only thing you have chosen not to share, and there are things he hasn't shared, and that you haven't even asked about.

 

Nor do you care to know about.

 

NOT judging at all, I know you and do understand your POV on that.

 

BUT when you deem something a *secret* and then choose to not disclose that secret, the platform changes from choosing to *not disclose* to *keeping things from* each other.

 

Whether it's because of fear, privacy or whatevs... keeping secrets from our SO is never good under any circumstance imo.

[Timshel]

It was 12 years ago. I don't see any reason why you need to bring it up or tell him. Obviously you don't want to lie about it, but I don't see any reason why it's even relevant to anything at this point. I think if you bring it up, it makes it seem like a big deal or something you are worried about. I honestly wouldn't even give it a second thought.

 

Well, yes...except that she is now worried about it coming out. At breakfast concerned a parent may spill the beans is one step too much imo.

 

Agree, it doesn't need to be a big deal, of course not. The thing is, the longer it is consciously withheld, the bigger deal it will be.

[No_Go]

Ok, I think then you don't have to tell him, but reading the posts below - you have a good opportunity now to do so (or not do it):

 

If you decide to tell him: bring up the family breakfast and that it was on your mind since then and just want to share this info for full disclosure. Tell him what you wrote here (that you haven't seen him in 3 years etc).

 

If you decide not to tell him and he finds out - just tell him it is because it felt awkward, he never asked about your past relationships (if that's the case), and that you aso wanted to keep it private since you are a close friend to your boss' wife.

 

Don't sweat too much on it, not a big deal even if he finds out, you're doing nothing unethical here and it is a story that finished looong time ago.

 

I have not seen my boss face to face for almost 3 years. He is a business man traveling and making deals. We email, call, or text when necessary which is a couple of times a week. I take care of all of his companies and he gave me authority in all of them so I don't require to report to him often.

 

It has happened my boss came up in conversation with my BF when I was telling funny office stories or something like that.

[Timshel]

I can't imagine he would leave me but I am afraid it would change his opinion or image of me. It may also make him feel inferior in some aspect. My ex is a wealthy man.

 

I was told once by a nobody I briefly dated that no man would seriously engage with a woman in my situation.

 

Nonsense to bold....unless your work is much more illicit than you have let on.

 

As far as him feeling inferior, that would be his shank, not yours. When he does find out, which he will if you two lovebirds continue, will you tell him that you decided to stay mum in order to protect his ego?

I would think that he would wonder why you could not trust him with this very insignificant information. He may wonder that the reason you withheld it is because it is not insignificant. These things take on a life of their own.

 

Do as you feel comfortable Gaeta, you know him and I (we) do not. All I will say is that the truth is quite liberating with our closest and in our own home. This world has too many situations to tread carefully lest disposed of, I can't imagine any fear within my inner sanctum.

[SwordofFlame]

As a guy, the 12 years ago and haven't seen him face to face in three years facts does soften the blow dramatically so to speak. If you dated your boss and still work for him, that's just awkward and uncomfortable. This is exactly why people should not date their superiors at work. Especially if they like their job and don't want to move on to a new job. It's one thing to date some one in a completely different department or your peer, but your boss...come on.

[Gaeta]

As a guy, the 12 years ago and haven't seen him face to face in three years facts does soften the blow dramatically so to speak. If you dated your boss and still work for him, that's just awkward and uncomfortable. This is exactly why people should not date their superiors at work. Especially if they like their job and don't want to move on to a new job. It's one thing to date some one in a completely different department or your peer, but your boss...come on.

 

In my case, we had a relationship before he went in business. Our relationship ended 6 months after the corporation started. I wanted to leave the company and he convinced me to stay and take on this challenge. Here we are 13 years later. The little company became a huge international business and he wanted someone he completely trusted to handle his money and in his book that has always been me.

[katiegrl]

Nonsense to bold....unless your work is much more illicit than you have let on.

 

As far as him feeling inferior, that would be his shank, not yours. When he does find out, which he will if you two lovebirds continue, will you tell him that you decided to stay mum in order to protect his ego?

 

I would think that he would wonder why you could not trust him with this very insignificant information. He may wonder that the reason you withheld it is because it is not insignificant. These things take on a life of their own.

 

Do as you feel comfortable Gaeta, you know him and I (we) do not. All I will say is that the truth is quite liberating with our closest and in our own home. This world has too many situations to tread carefully lest disposed of, I can't imagine any fear within my inner sanctum.

 

Again 100% on board with Timeshel on this.

 

In addition to that, making a special point to tell your family and work colleagues to NOT tell him, is well, just wrong.

 

And speak volumes to how much you actually trust not only him but the bond you share.

 

If you really believe that him knowing this info is going to shatter his ego so badly that he may leave you because of it, then what's the point?

 

You need to trust your bf Gaeta AND the bond you have developed, trust that he loves you and accepts you, ALL of you, including your past.

 

@swordoflame -- I get what you're saying but the fact is she and her boss don't see each other, and have not seen each other in three years.

 

So why her bf would be entertaining thoughts of her and him getting it on together on or under the desk or wherever is frankly ludicrous.

 

And if in fact that is how he will feel, then their RL has bigger issues than just this.

 

Gaeta, just tell him in the same way you told us here. It was 12 years ago, and he is so far removed for your consciousness in that regard, that you don't even consider him an ex.

 

Apologize for not disclosing sooner and leave at that. That is what I would do, but then again, I would have disclosed this soon after we started dating.

 

Just me as I prefer full disclosure and would fear him finding out another way which would be worse... I would have presented it in such a way that it is not big deal at all.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide!

[Gaeta]

Do as you feel comfortable Gaeta, you know him and I (we) do not. All I will say is that the truth is quite liberating with our closest and in our own home. This world has too many situations to tread carefully lest disposed of, I can't imagine any fear within my inner sanctum.

 

I told him a tiny bit about my abusive marriage and it felt absolutely awful to me and I regretted it at the moment I opened my mouth. It sounded so irrelevant to him and I.

[katiegrl]

I told him a tiny bit about my abusive marriage and it felt absolutely awful to me and I regretted it at the moment I opened my mouth. It sounded so irrelevant to him and I.

 

The fact you were abused in your marriage was irrelevant to him?

 

Wow.

[ASG]

If I trust what men are saying on here, if I tell BF he will then be plagued with visions of me and boss getting it on on my desk even if it's something that would never happened in a million year.

 

My dad is a permanent fixture in my mom's house. Where she lives with my step dad. And has been married to him for god knows how many years. 20 I think. Plus the years of dating.

 

My dad has always been around. And not just in a "oh he's the father of my children" kinda of way, but he spends christmas and easter and any occasion of note with us, at my mom's house.

 

Tell him. Trust him not to bolt. It will be worse if he finds out and thinks you were hiding it for shady reasons!

[Gaeta]

The fact you were abused in your marriage was irrelevant to him?

 

Wow.

 

Of course not. He was very sorry I had went through that and added all the blahblah he would never treat me that way etc. Telling him made me feel bad. It is a wound buried so deep it hurt me to bring it up at the surface and all this for the sake of 'sharing'. It was not worth it, it was not liberating. It just made me feel awful to have wasted the best years of my life to an abusive man. My awful feeling came from within me, between me and myself.

 

I am the one who felt it was irrelevant to us.

[katiegrl]

Of course not. He was very sorry I had went through that and added all the blahblah he would never treat me that way etc. Telling him made me feel bad. It is a wound buried so deep it hurt me to bring it up at the surface and all this for the sake of 'sharing'. It was not worth it, it was not liberating. It just made me feel awful to have wasted the best years of my life to an abusive man. My awful feeling came from within me, between me and myself.

 

I am the one who felt it was irrelevant to us.

 

Okay thanks for clarifying that! I feel better now...

 

Gaeta, just do what makes you comfortable. If he finds out from another source down the road, you can deal with it then.

 

You can explain it was not a big deal (12 years ago, you don't even see him), that's why you didn't disclose.

 

If your bond is strong, and his ego is in tact, you'll get through it.

 

I still would not recommend asking your parents and work colleagues to not say anything though... that just puts a whole different spin on this whole thing, like you are intentionally withholding info, keeping secrets.... implying this is a bigger deal that it is or should be.

Edited September 9, 2016 by katiegrl

[Gaeta]

Okay thanks for clarifying that! I feel better now...

 

Gaeta, just do what makes you comfortable. If he finds out from another source down the road, you can deal with it then.

 

You can explain it was not a big deal, that's why you didn't disclose.

 

If your bond is strong, and his ego is in tact, you'll get through it.

 

I still would not recommend asking your parents and work colleagues to not say anything though... that just puts a whole different spin on this whole thing, like you are intentionally withholding info, keeping secrets.... implying this is a bigger deal that it is or should be.

 

Yes I can see all the different sides of this situation. I am really stuck with this one.