Jealous of my husbands career?

[rokinshells]

My husband and I just recently got married. He is an amazing man and loves me very much. Recently I have discovered feelings that I have never felt in any other relationship before. Such as insecurities, jealousy and clingy-ness.

 

When we met, we were both in different relationships and we both left our respective partners for each other. He is a chef and so am I. We were both living in Singapore (where we met) and recently moved to Thailand because he got an amazing job. He convinced me to move because the job was so great and I agreed seeing it would be our new adventure.

 

We got married not long after but now I am finding myself being quite resentful of him. I know that we had made the decision TOGETHER to move and I do not blame him for it but I have had a very difficult time getting a job as I cant get a visa to work so I have been out of a job for quite some time. Financially we are doing okay but I just feel as if I do not want to 'owe' him anything in terms of rent, expenses or have to ask for a weekly allowance.

 

Recently I have also started to feel jealous of his colleagues and I find the green eyed monster giving him a hard time about him talking to his female employees. I am usually not a jealous person but because we met in our previous workplace and he had left his long time girlfriend (of 4 years) for me, I feel that deep down inside I have an irrational fear of it happening again. I know that he would never cheat on me yet I feel all paranoid anyway.

 

Besides that, I recently just got a job offer but am still waiting for the visa to be processed. My husband is really good at his job and hes doing really well and getting paid highly as well. The problem is, we are in the same line of work and I find myself feeling jealous of him. The job offer I am getting is only offering me half of what he is getting paid and I fear that in the long run, I would find it quite uncomfortable that he is making a lot more than I am.

 

I love him very much and I feel like lately I have been giving him a hard time because he gets to go to work, does what he loves and be some kind of superstar while I am stuck at home. I hate having nothing to do and being treated as a housewife. I want to get back to work ASAP but it is a little out of my control at the moment and I just feel so helpless. I have no family here, no friends and I dont speak the language. My husband is Thai so his family is here, all his childhood friends are here and he has an amazing job that pays well.

 

I find myself very bitter and lonely and I end up taking it out on my husband by picking fights and giving him a hard time. And he really doesnt deserve it. He's been nothing but amazing and supportive and he is 100% okay with financially supporting the both of us. I feel so suffocated and trapped because I feel like I dont have any freedom in terms of finances and I feel like I owe him something.

 

Furthermore, we talked about our long term plans and we want to open a restaurant together. However, I feel as if sometimes he doesn't see me an his equal (even though he says he does). If we were to take on a project like this, I would want it to be 50/50. But I feel as if I might always be inferior to him just because he is further ahead in his career than I am (he is also 4 years older). But looking at it now, I will be making alot less than he and could never put 50% of money into it.

 

I just worry that because we are in the same line of work I'm always going to see it as a competition and that is going to put a strain on our relationship. It's not that I want to be competitive with him, I just cant help it. I want the same amount of respect and recognition he gets for his hard work and I worry that I will never get it. At the end of the day, I just dont want to be the one who everyone says 'Oh! So and so opened a restaurant and it's amazing and his wife helps him out'. I want it to be a partnership between he and I, 50/50 in everything and I want it to be 'OURS' not 'his with his wife'.

 

I suffer from anxiety and depression and I find it really hard to get over these issues. It also doesn't help that I spend 15 hours a day by myself, have him home for like 2 hours then off to bed. I love him very much and I just don't want to drive him away with my over reactions and dramatizations of my feelings.

Edited September 9, 2016 by rokinshells

[Toodaloo]

Well if I were you I would just try to forget about it.

 

There will be times when you support him more, he may well be busting a gut because he thinks you are better than he is! He may think he is damned lucky to get the job he got because you have more talent and that is why he wants to work with you.

 

He is married to you not any of the female staff and if I remember rightly from my time in hospitality you are too damned busy working during work hours and too damned shattered after to get up to anything!

 

Instead of thinking 15 hours on your own. How about 15 hours of exploring and learning about the local food. 15 hours of practising and perfecting your own ideas and recipes, 15 hours swotting up and jotting down notes and developing new flavours for your restaurant... There is a heck of a lot of work that you could be doing right now that he can't towards your joint dream...

[stillafool]

I see this jealousy a lot with couples who have the same occupation. One is always jealous of the more successful one. Maybe it isn't a good idea to marry someone who has the same occupation as you. Too bad it has to be this way.

[dichotomy]

When I got married, I made alot more than my wife, and I was also in much better shape credit wise. I had my own home that she moved into. I paid for major vacations, etc.

 

Never bothered me (much) - she paid her smaller share (based on what she made) of things and I paid much more.

 

Many years later she is doing pretty well now, and looking off into retirement years she will likely have more money than me. I was a little nervous at this potential "flip flop" in who had the money, but she seems cool with that possibility. So I am too.

 

How would you feel if you made more than your husband some day? How would he feel ?

 

Marriage supposed to be a partnership with each doing what their able to do and supporting each other as they can.

 

I think You can get there eventually - be patient.

[rokinshells]

Thank you for some perspective. We are currently paying rent and major expenses through a percentage system. I guess I really do need to be patient. Its just that all my life I've never had to really depend on anyone financially so this is something thats very different for me.

[rokinshells]

I will also try to occupy my days. I read alot and have been reading tons of books lately but I guess the loneliness is wearing me down a little. Thank you for being supportive. Sometimes you just need someone to talk to.

[kvolm2016]

The thing I appreciate in reading your post is that you seem to be very self aware and I believe that will be your greatest asset in moving forward. On the scale of life transitions, you have been through some major ones in a short period of time so it is no wonder you are having these emotional difficulties. Do you feel like you could say to your husband all these things you have talked about in your post?

[rokinshells]

@kvolm2016 I have actually said all this to my husband and we have talked about it extensively. I guess regardless of how much he tries to reassure me, I still wind up feeling a little upset every time he gets home late, or the unwanted jealousy when he talks about certain things. I am trying to just occupy myself and keep busy all the while pushing away these negative thoughts but I do find it rather difficult.

 

On another note, he also mentions that recently in our relationship he has felt quite 'limited' in the sense that if he asks if he can go out and I say no, or if I do say yes and he goes and comes back to me being upset about it. It's not that I want to be so controlling or have a huge issue with him having a beer after work with the guys, its just that I feel like since he has been gone all day and I've been at home, adding another 2-3 hours of me 'waiting' at home for him is not the best feeling.

 

I guess in this sense I feel a bit neglected even though I have no reason to feel this way. Back when we were living in Singapore, before we got married, we were both working long hours and he would go out every Wednesday night for football till 1am, or I would spend the afternoon with the girls and we would just be cool with having time to ourselves. And I know that it really isnt an issue for me that he wants to have some time to himself or with his friends. So why is it that I cant help but feel unwanted or get angry when he wants to do that now? I guess for me is just that I have TOO much time to myself and want to spend the rest with him...

 

Kind of a difficult situation when he's spending all of his spare time with me already and I feel like it's not enough. Not as if he can just not go to work right?

[Toodaloo]

I stand by my post.

 

You are wasting away your time. OK so your work would be unpaid right now but you could be honing your skills and developing a future. You could be writing for a book on food and recipes. There is so much you could be doing.

 

You just need to pick yourself up and get businesslike about it.

 

As for everything else I get the feeling you are lonely so I suggest that you ask around for clubs and things that you can join in with. Volunteering and the such. It will make you feel more worthwhile.

 

Get yourself some purpose. You will feel loads better.

[Gloria25]

I see this jealousy a lot with couples who have the same occupation. One is always jealous of the more successful one. Maybe it isn't a good idea to marry someone who has the same occupation as you. Too bad it has to be this way.

 

This often happens regardless of a couple having the same occupation. Thing is, all this modern crap with dual-income families is just bad all over. No one is in the "house" to make it a "home". The couple is more about getting meaning in life through their job/career than being there for each other and/or their kids.

 

I was just hearing on the news how some elementary schools in some state are gonna stop giving out homework. So, there goes, parents come home too tired and selfish to even sit down and do homework with their kids, so do away with the homework.

 

If work is the only way a person finds purpose and/or meaning in their lives, they're gonna be sad - single or married. For one, work is to put food on the table. All this new age Millennial crap of not taking a job unless it's your dream job is unrealistic. What we do outside of the workplace (hobbies, activities, family, friends, volunteering, church, etc.) is where we get meaning out of life. Work is to pay the bills. If you're fortunate to find something you love doing and get paid for it, then that's great. Otherwise, it's all about "attitude" and "initiative". Not sitting around waiting for your job to make your life worth living.

 

Also, this hostility many women have now a days when a man is doing what a "man" should do (i.e. court them, be a gentleman, bring them flowers, pay bills if he's her husband) is just absurd. This fear that you don't wanna depend on no one, and you better have your own career cuz one day he'll dump you is paranoia inflicted by hostile women's groups to create a division in the population, homes, and couples.

 

Look, we date and marry cuz unfortunately in this world we all need someone. You need someone on your "team". Couples just don't lean on each other financially, but also emotionally and physically. If you're ill, isn't it wonderful to know you got your SO to hold your hand, feed you chicken soup? When you have a kid, isn't it great when your SO can provide for you and the child so that child can't be dumped in daycare to people getting paid minimum wage and got ten other kids besides yours to tend to?

 

So, when you're saying that you don't want him to pay the bills and you don't wanna be dependent on him, the maybe its best to be single cuz if someone takes so much resentment and jealousy towards their man for him being a "man" and earning enough for his wife and kids, then gosh, I'm at a loss for words.

 

Also, I've seen the "bored wife syndrome" a lot in military wives. These guys get the most silly women to marry and as soon as he's deployed and/or has to go to the field, she starts whinning and complaining about being alone and bored; and, before you know it, she's running the base looking to have sex with any guy who will show her attention cuz these women have no life. They have no ambitions, they have no interests. Instead of them going and volunteering or even helping out other military wives who's husbands are gone - they're just sitting around boooored.

 

I strongly agree with Toodaloo's recommendations here.

[rokinshells]

Gloria25, you seem to be quite cynical towards married women. I thought the point of LoveShack was to be able to share your problems and daily struggles and receive support, encouragement and advice from others?

 

Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and so are you, but I do take a little offense in you implying that I am playing some bored little housewife at home who has no life and will eventually go looking for someone else who will shower me with attention. I love my husband and the point of sharing my problems here is so that I can improve our marriage and make him happy. Also, times have changed, women don't need to just stay home and take care of the kids anymore to have a fulfilling life. We do not have any children yet and I do not know what the arrangement will be when I do, but right now, I also want to build a career for myself and do what I love doing.

 

I have to agree with many of you here, I probably am just lonely and need someone to talk to. Like I said, I've just moved to a country whereby I have no friends, family, job nor do I speak the language, so it can get pretty demoralizing when you have no one to talk to all day.

 

I've probably read like 5 novels this month alone and have watched over 20 movies including done research on my business, spoken to suppliers and am in the process of learning Thai (slowly). It's not as if I don't know how to occupy my time, I just feels quite uninspired...

 

I know I just need to be patient and things will sort itself out, but that is easier said than done. Thought I'd give this sort of online community a chance since you can talk to a whole multitude of people from everywhere, but if this is considered me whining about my amazing life just because I'm a 'bored housewife' then maybe this isn't the community for me.

[Popsicle]

I think you will feel better once you get a job. Remember that you were independent before you got married so you don't have to see yourself as dependent.

[Els]

How do Thai visas for spouses work? Are you waiting for the processing of your spousal visa that will presumably allow you to work there indefinitely?

 

If that is the only issue hampering your career, I'd just sit tight and be patient, everything should be sorted in a few months' time no? Or are you having issues because you are unfamiliar with the Thai language?

[rokinshells]

The Thai visas are quite complicated. A spousal visa allows you to live in Thailand but not to work. So whatever employer I get, the company will have to apply a work permit for me and its also based on a quota system whereby they are only allowed to hire 1 foreigner if they have 4 thai nationals working for them. Thats where the issue is, because most establishments either can't afford the work permit or don't have the quota as they have other foreigners already employed.

[preraph]

Hey, I understand your feelings. I'm 63 and I'm sick of watching men make nearly twice as much as I do my whole life and they have have a nice retirement nestegg and i'm struggling to pay my bills. I didn't have kids or anything. Worked 2 jobs trying to keep up, and even some of the most average guys make way more than I ever did and moved up. It sucks.

 

Now your world is getting too small because you're not working and you have too much time to dwell. I hope you get your visa soon.

[Eternal Sunshine]

The Thai visas are quite complicated. A spousal visa allows you to live in Thailand but not to work. So whatever employer I get, the company will have to apply a work permit for me and its also based on a quota system whereby they are only allowed to hire 1 foreigner if they have 4 thai nationals working for them. Thats where the issue is, because most establishments either can't afford the work permit or don't have the quota as they have other foreigners already employed.

 

"I choose to move to a country where I know noone, don't speak the language and can't get a job without a lot of hassle"

 

I am now complaining because I know noone, don't speak the language and can't get a job without a lot of hassle.

 

Don't people consider long term plans anymore? Whatever yours was, do that. Every decision has trade offs. In short term, there are SO many solutions to being bored.