My recent ex boyfriend took explicit pictures of me without my consent

[Char12]

We have been together for 3 years, I'm 22 and he's 24. After the first year of our relationship we were practically living together whilst I was at Uni and it really was great. He came over after work, still saw his friends whenever, as did I, and the relationship was balanced and easy like it should be. He told me frequently that I shouldn't have signed up for the the flat I was in and we should have looked for somewhere together, but at that stage it was too early for me. That was the first mention of living together.

 

Fast forward a year til after I graduate and we both had been already talking for a year about moving in together. After graduating it has taken me another year to settle and sort myself out financially so we can afford one but it has always been brought up. Whenever we were having problems about being stuck at his parents his response was "It'll be better when we get a flat together". So in the past month we've finally been in the position to start looking properly together. We went viewing flats and decided on one, and he told me he wanted to go home and put a reservation fee on it asap. He was also asking advice from friends and family and happily telling people we were moving in together. I'd made a decision about a postgraduate course at uni based on living together also because of finances.

 

I sorted the whole thing out and just send him the forms he needs to fill and put the money down for the two of us to avoid confusion and telling him he can pay his half back later. This happened on the Friday and I rang him up to tell him it was all sorted and he sounded happy too. He was busy that night so I left him to it and text him goodnight to which he replied to.

 

He was busy again on the Saturday so I left him to it then too, and he didn't text me all day which I thought was a little strange but knew we were supposed to be seeing each other that night anyway, so I rang him an hour before I set off to confirm. His phone rings through twice and then I can't get through. The whole thing is massively out of character for him and when it hits 9 at night I ring his dad (which I have never done) to make sure he made it home safe. His dad informs me he's gone to town with a friend drinking, which is also massively out of character as he doesn't drink.

 

After I realized he was just being an idiot I was fuming. He finally texts me at 12 at night casually saying his battery had died and goodnight and that he loved me, just a standard text. I ring him and ask what the hell he was doing and he sounded like he didn't care about anything. I tell him I'm coming picking my things up from his house to which he just says "you sure? okay". When I see him I straight up ask him if he wants to even get this flat together and whether he even wants to be with me to which he replied he "doesn't know". I say that isn't good enough and drive home, completely in shock. He even transferred me my money back that night.

 

In the morning I text him saying I have some of his things I need to drop off and he text back "leave them in the shed, there's some stuff of yours in there too in a plastic bag". How disconnected and cold the whole thing was has absolutely shattered me. I went to his and rang him up demanding he meet me and give me an explanation. I asked him why he'd let it get this far and he said he didn't want me to be angry if he told me. This is after a year of discussion and him actually seeming to egg it on.

 

It is so bizarre and irrational that over 2 days we've gone from moving in together to breaking up. I asked if it's stress he's been having at work and we could have just taken a step back from the flat if it's what he needed, but completely breaking up? He says that he doesn't know what he wants anymore and his heads a mess, and is hysterically crying (he'd cried once infront of me before this). He said he needs me to know that he loves me so much. I said to him that If this is just a bad period in his life I'll be there and can give him space to sort himself out if he'll work with me but he still said "I don't know" whenever I asked if he wanted to be together.

 

So I said I can't be with somebody who doesn't know and he needs to leave, focus on himself and I hope he finds what makes him happy and to let me move on as this whole thing has been horrific for me. He didn't leave the car for 5 hours crying, even with me telling him I'm finished if he can't give me an answer. When I said he "didn't want to be with me" he even cut me off saying "I don't not want to be with you". Just leaving me in limbo. He even said he'd ring me the next day. I told him not to if he can't give me a straight answer and he hasn't called. He was also so emotional he said he might not even be here in a week, which Is the most confusing and hurtful thing to say to me as I'm leaving.

 

He said all this however a big issue since moving back home has been that he has started playing computer games more and seeing his friends more and it seemingly becoming like they're priorities all the time. He's told me before that his computer is a way to escape his problems as he's told me he's been feeling depressed for months now. I was even upset that just before all this happened, he spent £2000 on a computer when we didn't have deposit money. So when I asked what he was worried about moving in together he said that we'd been having arguments (about seeming to play on his computer and see his friends all the time before me), that he was worried he wouldn't be able to spend as much time on his computer playing games and that he didn't know whether he might want to move in with his friends instead. These are what I believe to be the real issues. I think the mixed feelings and crying may be because wants both me and to act single and he can't have both and he knows moving in together will limit his time with his friends. However during this whole process I've told him that he can have friends over and I've never forbidden him using his computer, just called him out when it got disrespectful. I think he's terrified his freedom's become threatened now it's all become real and he wants all his freedom back by leaving me.

 

It's only been a day since this happened and I'm torn between wondering if this is just emotionally instability, if he's running away, feeling genuinely concerned for him and feeling in limbo myself. Or I wonder if this is all just because he doesn't want to commit because he thinks he's losing all his freedom? I'm numb at the moment and feel like I don't even know him anymore. Any kind words would be appreciated.

Edited August 23, 2016 by Char12

[ExpatInItaly]

Oh, dear. I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP. This must be a terrible shock to you.

 

You mentioned he's been depressed - did he indicate if something specific triggered this depression? Work, family, school, money? I think this is significant because depressed people often retreat from their partners and find other means of escape (computer games, in his case) How frequently was he playing, and for how long in a stretch? There's nothing wrong with having some fun this way, but when it's used as a band-aid for bigger problems, there's an issue.

 

Have you noticed other concerning behaviour?

 

It's very hard, but the bottom line here is that he's just not ready for this step right now. His change of heart indeed seems sudden, but I would guess he's been having doubts for a little while and this argument over him essentially going MIA when you had plans was his "out", so to speak. (Having said that, you were not in the wrong to be upset by his dismissive attitude. It was not okay for him to leave you hanging and then be so cavalier about flaking on you.) Something tipped him over the edge, and it might have nothing to do with you at all.

 

Are you able to move into this place on your own? Do you have alternate accommodations in the meantime? I would not try to get him to go ahead with moving in. This recent turns of events would make it disastrous.

[Char12]

I was with my boyfriend for 3 years and we broke up around 3 weeks ago. Not long before we broke up I was looking through pictures on his phone and came across 2 explicit pictures of me whilst I was sleeping in his deleted folder.

 

He has asked to take sexy pictures of me before and I've always told him I would never do that with a boyfriend. He knew it was not acceptable to me.

 

I deleted the pictures myself and confronted him about it to which he didn't really even have a reply. I wish I would have taken it more seriously.

 

Now we have broken up I'm worried if he has any more pictures and I feel a lot differently about it. I feel like now I've had some space I've noticed other behaviors which were borderline abusive and I feel like completely betrayed by somebody I trusted. How do I move on from this?

[Toodaloo]

Fact. He can not do anything with those pictures unless he wants to face jail. It is now an offence to share intimate pictures with others if prior permission has not been granted.

 

While I agree that its not the best of things the fact he has tried to delete them would indicate that he was getting rid of them so I shouldn't worry about it.

 

I know its difficult but put it out of your mind because otherwise it will drive you insane. Just be glad that you are out of it and if he has anything else he can't use it anyway.

[butterfly1958]

Wow!!! I would be upset as well. Sounds like he was not honoring you in a number of ways with your comment of abusive behavior. Two questions I thought of to allay your concern of more pics......does he carry a camera ever?.....Did you look through all his pictures? If does not carry a camera and you looked through all the pictures, he may not have any more. A website stated that ......The production and electronic transmission of pornographic images can be construed as a federal offense. What is it that bothers you most about this? What are you really feeling? What can you do to channel those feelings constructively? Take time with a counselor or coach and process this experience so you can move forward with discernment and understanding. My thoughts are with you......please stay safe.

[preraph]

Listen to me. You need to contact the police and hope they will help you take possession of these photos and ban him from putting them all over the internet. What a smarmy thing for him to do. I believe you really need to file a complaint on him.

[BaileyB]

That is really horrible. I'm so sorry.

 

I too would want to be sure they are deleted. If you don't trust that, definitely talk to the police to see if these is any other course of action. Best of luck.

[Mr. Lucky]

I too would want to be sure they are deleted.

 

What does "deleted" mean in an age of recycle bins, cloud back-ups, portable memory and Dr. Fone-style recovery software?

 

I'd be very concerned...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Char12]

I have never come across any more pictures and my face isn't actually in the pictures I found so I guess that's something. If any pictures surfaced I would definitely be contacting the police.

 

Truth be told, I'm more hurt by the feeling of betrayal by somebody I deeply trusted. The feelings surrounding this incident along with name-calling, throwing things/slamming doors/ punching walls, manipulation and coldness over the span of the relationship have only just seemed to surface and I don't know how to feel about it all. As this is my first real relationship at 22 I feel this is also going to massively effect my trust with future partners.