Went through a toxic relationship

[fightingthegravity]

I recently went through a toxic relationship of one and a half years. Im 23M originally met her 21F from a free dating site and hit it off immediately. Before the first date we were exchanging pictures on Snapchat (just to make sure weren’t catfish) when I noticed some cuts on her arm. I justified it as cat scratches even though secretly I knew what they were. Fast Forward to our first date… She admits to me that she has been depressed for most of her life and recently started self-harming. I remember sitting on the couch thinking I can handle this. I can help her. I can try and save her.

Throughout the first few months I brought up her happiness and it eventually subsided. At this time it is now May of 2015 and my roommates and I are getting ready to move to a closer house to our jobs. Her depression came back and so did the self-harming. I was worried this time. She came to our house warming party and as I was opening her car door I saw her arm. It looked like a Jackson Pollock painting. I convince her to get in the passenger side of her car so we can drive and talk. I told her I was worried for her safety and her health (looking back now it was the change of moving from my own apartment to a house with two other guys). She exploded on me and told me that I didn’t understand and that this makes her happy. At this point I didn’t know what to do. I convince her that we need to talk to her parents and let them know what was going on.

From the months of May to Aug things were getting better and her parents convinced her to see someone and start medication. She saw herself getting better and decided on her own that she needed to stop taking her medication. She started to become harsh towards me and our relationship. Telling me to **** off when I asked her help hang up the curtains and telling me I’m the worst thing that has ever happened to her or that I will never be successful in life ( I moved out after high school to a completely different state to try and make something of myself) . Trying to mentally break me… At first I thought and was handling it. I rationalized it as her not being on her medication.

Moving towards October we decided to take a break because I was stressed with everything that was happening and it was affecting my overall physical health. That lasted a few weeks and we agreed to get back together. We were back to how we felt when we first started dating she seemed happy again and the self-harming stopped as well as the depression (back on medication). Spring of 2016 and the same thing happened. Saw an improvement, she stopped taking the medicine and now a whole new side erupted. She became slowly physically violent. Examples are hitting me in the stomach because we got into a disagreement about our plans for the weekend to kicking me in the jaw about me going climbing for the weekend. I was raised to never get physically violent and to always be classy. A few weeks later she left me saying she never loved me and I broke.

At the start I did the whole “**** the world” and started on a path of dates and hookups and trying to forget everything about knowing I deserve better. I was doing great. My best friend knew what was going on from the day of that move. I finally thought once he commented saying he can tell that I looked mentally and physically happier. The early stages of the breakup I tried to view her stuff on social media and realized I was blocked. I gave up and stopped looking.

Now for the present and current situation. A week ago she sent me a follow request and my heart was pounding. I stupidly looked at her profile and saw that she had become not the girl I thought she would ever. Posting photos that made me jealous and mad. Then I saw the photo. Her in a guy’s work uniform. I was upset and livid and became irrational and messaged her saying “wow you moved on quick” with her replying “ I want to meet up and talk and exchange our things that we left at each other’s places.” My dumbass met with her and she told me she was seeing someone else but still loved me and didn’t know what to do. That she missed me and wanted me back. We left saying we will think about what to do and talk in a few days. I was a wreck. So much hard work the last few months and it all went down the toilet. I was a wreck. I didn’t know what to do or talk to. She finally said that she wants to see where it goes with this guy but continues to message me to tell me and update me on her life. Her mom even contacted me saying that my ex missed me. I have no idea how to move past this.

 

Some facts about me: I’m a 23 male. I am on my own with a full time job and career. I recently picked up my old hobbies of trail running and climbing and trying to carry about my life. Her and I never lived together just spent a lot of time together. Please I don’t want Sympathy or to know my situation was bad. I know it was bad and the rationale side of me knows that she is the worst thing for my health and life but I am stuck thinking that this guy is better than I could ever be. My family and friends try to help but I don’t want them to think less of me for wanting to get back with her. I was unsure of where to post this so if there is a better place please let me know. If you read this I just want to say thank you for listening. In the end any form of abuse and toxic relationship is miserable to go through. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

[smudge21]

One thing I learned many years ago was that you can only save people who actually want to be saved. Until these people realise they're problem and actually want to change themselves, there's nothing anyone in the entire world can do to help them. They can take medication, have therapy, but all of it will be thrown away the next second unless they truly want it. Your ex never did. I would also take a guess that it will be a long time before she ever really does. You know this... but you have strong feelings for her and that's the problem. No matter how much someone hurts us, if we love them, we love them. This place is full of people who worship their partner or ex, despite how they get treated. They even know it's wrong but are unable to let go. I've been there, only recently, and it sucks. It takes such willpower to let go and plenty of No Contact over a long long time. Her problems are hers alone - you nor anyone else can help her. Accept that and then start to look at this like any other break up. Cut all contact, follow the no contact guide to the letter and focus on you and your life. She moved on and like many dumpers, just wants that ego boost of knowing you're still there. You're not. You're moving on.

[Toodaloo]

You can never save or help a person unless they start it themselves and work at it themselves.

 

This girl has serious issues that you are not qualified to deal with.

 

Concentrate on moving on and put this one out of your mind.

 

This other guy has a whole s*** storm coming and probably doesn't know it.

 

Get over this and cut her out of your life so you do not know what she is doing. It will only hurt you to see happy pictures of them all over the place. Those happy pictures will hurt you and not convey the truth.

 

Get her off of social media, get rid of her phone number, get rid of her email, get rid of Instagram or whatever it is. Cut her out of your life so you no longer think about her.

[ExpatInItaly]

She hasnt found a new love, she's found a new punching bag. You can be almost certain she'll eventually abuse him too.

 

I would strongly suggest some therapy for you. Staying in an abusive relationship takes a horrible toll and indicates you need to value yourself more. I speak from experience, and know how hard it is.

 

She is mentally unstable and can't be "saved" by you or any boyfriend. She needs professional, guided an sustained treatment on a medical and psychiatric level.

 

Block and delete her in every way you can.

[aloneinaz]

You need to stop thinking and worrying about her and direct all your attention in working on yourself. It's great that you recognize that it's not right for you to care about this woman who you know is not good for you. That's KEY right there.

 

I agree w/expat. I really think you should consider speaking to a professional about why you can't let go 100%. They can offer great advice and direction to get you past this.

 

One word for you to get reinforcing. DISCIPLINE. You need this to go strict NC. You'll never get over this if you keep having ANY contact w/her. You need to delete and block her on your phone and social media. Out of sight, out of mind is the only thing that will get you past this.

 

You're doing a lot of good things here. Keeping busy. Working out. Good job and broad network of buddies. If you're able to date, even better. Go out not to put notches on the bed post but rather, to enjoy spending time w/the opposite sex, having laughs. You could really end up meeting someone who really rocks your world and you connect with. That would also help you close that chapter of this past ex.