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Something that happenened 12 years ago

Snotty

By Snotty
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jen1447 Established Member

jen1447

Posted
Posted
The part that bothers me the most is i went to give her a kiss and a hug, and she backed off. I walked out of her house, she followed me. I tried again, and she backed off again, like i had the plague or something.

 

Yeah I don't think you're coming back from this ....disgust and repulsion aren't usually the level of things ppl get over.

 

Aside from basic heartache tho, I'm not sure what's really the downside here. I mean you don't want to be w someone who loathes you, right? And the fact that she reacted that way should tell you a lot about how suitable a partner she is (isn't) for you.

  • Like 1
Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

Posted
Posted

So... Last night sitting on the couch, she pulls up her shirt. I make a positive comment, then she asks what the youngest girl i have been with.

 

 

OMG, I thought you were the immature one and I apologize for it ! What an immature question to ask!!! It's so juvenile !!

 

Too bad for her, she asked a question but never thought if she could handle the answer.

 

You are how old now, 51 ! that's the type of question you want to hear out of a woman you date? ugh!

  • Like 3
salparadise Established Member

salparadise

Posted
Posted (edited)
The reason for discloure.....

 

I just wanted to do this one right. I thought we were onthe same page. Alot of our conversations were on contantly growing as individuals.

 

I didnt think i would be judged on my past, and quite honestly, i have no clue what to do.

 

Yea, full disclosure ain't what it's cracked up to be sometimes. I agree with xxoo, a facetious, joking remark might have been the way to sidestep that one. Of course you didn't think you'd be judged harshly... file that under lessons learned once.

 

[]

 

What to do? First modify the total disclosure notions. There might be certain people, a certain stage in the relationship, etc. where you can actually do that, but early on and before you're sure... be careful.

 

I'd give her a few days to cool her jets and then text and ask if she wants to talk. She needs to reign in the judgement because you can't undo it, and you can't put that disclosure back in the bottle. Be understanding of her feelings, but don't let her shame or vilify you. Acceptance is the way this needs to be resolved.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
  • Like 2
Timshel Established Member

Timshel

Posted
Posted

I don't see anything wrong with being honest with this woman. You were asked a question and answered truthfully.

I honestly believe that it is soundly pointless to try to build an intimate partnership with a person with whom you (general) are unable to be completely honest. Save the calculating verbiage for employers and fair weather friends.

 

You did nothing wrong. If you did hold up a bank and decided that nugget was best left to privacy, because it was 12 yrs. ago and have since been rehabilitated....well, where does one begin to draw the line? If a person wants real intimacy and honesty in a relationship then it requires words and actions that do not contradict the desired result.

 

If this woman flakes on you over this, I am inclined to believe you have dodged a bullet.

My current opinion is that she is not morally offended....she is blatantly insecure of her own attractiveness.

Imo, you struck a nerve...this is not about moral high-ground; she is only now wondering if you find her physically attractive.

 

Yes, people really are that shallow....plastic surgery and beauty products aren't cheap and big business for good reason.

  • Like 5
jen1447 Established Member

jen1447

Posted
Posted

^ I have to agree about the honesty ....it'd be one thing to go around volunteering a bunch of potentially compromising info but if she asked for it and confirmed she wanted it, not sure how else to respond. Better to give her what she asked for than to lie.

  • Like 2
Satu Established Member

Satu

Posted
Posted (edited)

If someone reacts with horror and revulsion to something you did 12 years ago, which wasn't illegal or immoral, thats a bigger issue than what you did.

 

And what you did wasn't illegal or immoral, its just something that (more than a few) people would frown upon. Personally, I wouldn't be put off by it.

 

She's neither right nor wrong, in reacting the way that she did.

 

Its just her being who she is.

Edited by Satu
  • Like 1
xxoo Established Member

xxoo

Posted
Posted

Keep in mind that immediate reactions don't necessarily reflect how someone you feels the next day. I recognize this about myself. Things don't seem as horrible after some time to process.

 

Also, the context matters here. You were in an intimate moment, adding to the revulsion. Her question was stupid, for sure!

  • Like 1
Timshel Established Member

Timshel

Posted
Posted (edited)

[] OP says that she had lifted her shirt, to admire her breasts, directly before asking the question. This implies she was fishing.

 

She may well decide she can live with this 'wretched' truth. However, I would warn the OP that he has gained some insight into her mentality through this event and to allow himself to be as equally enlightened as she appears to be.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
  • Like 1
Lansing Established Member

Lansing

Posted
Posted
Out of curiosity why did you need to tell her that story? I have had sex with a man 20 years younger before meeting my BF .

 

So based on your earlier comment ehre, was your issue with the OP that that girl was 19? Is she was 21 and he was 41 that would have been okay? Where is the line where it is "okay" or are you saying what you did was wrong too but you wouldn't forgive a guy for making the same mistake?

  • Like 1
Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

Posted
Posted
So based on your earlier comment ehre, was your issue with the OP that that girl was 19? Is she was 21 and he was 41 that would have been okay? Where is the line where it is "okay" or are you saying what you did was wrong too but you wouldn't forgive a guy for making the same mistake?

 

As a mother, it will never be ok for me that a man in his 40s be dating or screwing (pardon my French) a 19 year old. I think 19 years old should be having sex with 19 years old and 40ish men should stick around women with similar life experience. It's normal for a 19 yo to seek older men as they are more stable financially and more serious than 19 yo men... not so normal for 40s men seeking 19 yo.

 

That being said nothing of this is illegal and OP has technically done nothing wrong.

 

It's not a matter of forgiving, it's a matter of personal opinion. It may not matter to another woman but it does to me for very specific reasons. When my daughter was 19 if a man 40 had come after her I would have never approved of it. I would have made his life miserable and unbearable till he quits and go waste some other girl's life.

 

Yes I was the mother from hell when my kid was in grade 1 ;-)

  • Like 1
No_Go Established Member

No_Go

Posted
Posted

Initially reading the thread title I though you confessed to her a murder or a violent crime :D C'mon. You had an ONS :D Why even bring it up to her, it was a completely irrelevant information unless you wanted to brag (?) or it was not-consensual (then it's obviously a problem). But jus t having sex with some young woman... why the f it even came in a conversation (sorry if it i in the thread, I just skimmed the original post)?

 

I had my first sex with a man 19 years older (and dead broke btw, so I wasn't after a wealthy daddy :D) because... I was young and exploring life and he was interesting to me at the time. Granted I was far from teenage age but ... still, 19 is after the age of consent.

  • Like 1
No_Go Established Member

No_Go

Posted
Posted

Unless this 'woman' is 19 as well? (she sound more like 12 in her level of maturity but... some people never grow up)

 

The whole convo between them is a bit hilarious, a bit sad... I mean adults in their 50s bantering about 'who's the youngest chick/dude that you screwed'...

 

OMG, I thought you were the immature one and I apologize for it ! What an immature question to ask!!! It's so juvenile !!

 

Too bad for her, she asked a question but never thought if she could handle the answer.

 

 

You are how old now, 51 ! that's the type of question you want to hear out of a woman you date? ugh!

  • Like 3
elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted
C'mon. You had an ONS :D .

 

The OP never actually said it was a ONS.

 

He merely said he was "with" a 19 yo woman when he was 39.

  • Like 1
William Established Member

William

Posted
Posted

Folks, let's get back to working the relationship issues the thread starter raised and refrain from introducing general gender rhetoric, or rampant speculation, into the milieu. Stick with what the thread starter has shared and work that. Moderation cleaned up some meta-discussion and off-topic posts but did not (I didn't anyway) sanction anyone. Let's keep it that way. Thanks in advance for your cooperation with this moderation directive.

  • Like 1
BlueIris Established Member

BlueIris

Posted
Posted
I have been dating a girl for approximately three months now. We have a lot in common and have had great conversations about a lot of topics. I thought everything was great until this evening. We were discussing things and she asked me a question about my past. I told her I didn't want to answer it and her reply was why you told me everything else. So I told her. It was in reference to a woman I was with that was 20 years younger than me. She was 19, and I was 39. now she thinks it was disgusting what I did. When I left to give her a kiss she backed up and wouldn't let me touch her. We've always talked about things but tonight was different. She truly look at me with disgust. This was an incident that happened in over 12 years ago.

For the life of me I'm not sure what to do now. I didnt even know her then. Do i wait for her to reach out to me?

 

If you like her a lot, call and say you’d really like to talk about it. Maybe tell her you were surprised by her reaction and you’d really like to understand why she feels that way. Don’t make assumptions about her or judge her any more than you’d want her to make assumptions or judge you.

 

If she doesn’t want to talk about it, then you know that it was a deal-breaker for her. There’s nothing you can do about that.

 

Talking with her can tell you two things- how she thinks or feels about your having dated a 19 year old (and you can’t know why that is, there are so many possibilities) but even more importantly, how well you two can discuss something touchy, whether either of you gets defensive, upset, has a need to win or convince the other person that he or she is bad or wrong. Differences are a great opportunity to really get to know how someone handles disagreement and that is extremely important to know about a potential mate- so you’d get bonus info if you agree to discuss it.

  • Like 1
Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

Posted
Posted
Unless this 'woman' is 19 as well? (she sound more like 12 in her level of maturity but... some people never grow up)

 

The whole convo between them is a bit hilarious, a bit sad... I mean adults in their 50s bantering about 'who's the youngest chick/dude that you screwed'...

 

You make a very good point. Why would a woman ever ask a man what is the youngest he's been with....unless she is young herself and wants to hear she is the youngest.

 

OP is 51 yo and referring to his date as 'a girl'

  • Like 2
mortensorchid Established Member

mortensorchid

Posted
Posted

I am not judging you for what you did with that woman who was 20 years younger than you. I myself was with a man for two years who was/is 18 years older than me (we've been broken up for 17 years now, we are still good friends, but that's another story). The bottom line is this: It's the past, you (and no doubt that other woman) learned a lot about yourselves, and it's behind you.

 

As for this woman who backed off from you? Well, she wasn't there and she didn't witness anything. When you are confronted with things like that, asked to talk about things from your past that you may or may not be comfortable with, you have to simply say a few things but not a lot. In this instance, say "I was with this woman for a while, there was a big age gap which is why I think things didn't work. But it was a long time ago, I learned a lot and I've changed."

 

Quite honestly, I think we have been talk showed / reality showed to death. There is all this flamboyance and being honest about your feelings / experiences, and people in general do not react well to it, whether it's some trivial, mundane things or the deepest, darkest secrets or something in between. People, I find, are also jealous of how much another person has, be it material things or experiences. I keep many things to myself about my past, but I don't lie about it either.

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