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Don't know where to go from here :(

blondie90

By blondie90
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blondie90 New Member

blondie90

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So the deal is I'd been dating a really special guy whom I get along really well with. We met about 4 months ago. We are super similar in many ways, and although he'd been a bit standoffish I brushed it aside, since I myself am quite standoffish too. So in my mind this wasn't a big deal for me, since I know I really liked him even though I wasn't hugely forward in my romantic actions. And I was super ok with the slow steady pace, much to my friends' surprise!

However the last time we got dinner we had a really really nice time, until right at the end he said he had to tell me that he'd just come out of a long term relationship. He said he didn't want to lead me on and hurt me, and thats why he wanted me to know that. He told me he liked hanging out and liked me, and he'd thought he was ready to date again, however had realised he wasn't. However he said now that I knew this, it was up to me if we stayed in contact and still spent time together etc. I think I was super understanding in my response, and I fully understand that he needs to take time to find himself and move on. However the fact that the ball is in my court is what is getting to me, because I know there is no chance of a relationship right now however I definitely want to still hangout as friends, I feel it would be a shame to give up on someone I click with intellectually this easy, however my only hesitation is is this the right thing for him? Is the right thing for him for me to back off completely? I really like him, and I want the best for him! :(

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smudge21 Established Member

smudge21

Posted
Posted

It's nice that you want the best for him, but this is about you. He's set the rules, not it's whether you want to play by those rules. People who say they're happy with just a friendship (usually just after they've been dumped) are only really doing it because they are living in hope that things will work out at the end. They never do. In your case, you have to really think about being friends, and only friends. As much as he's been open to you, there is a tiny chance he just may not feel it with you. My point being, that as his friend, you could end up being introduced to his new girlfriend some months down the line. That may not be the case, but by agreeing to be only friends with someone, that's often all you'll ever be. I've got friends of both sexes, but I know that I have no feelings for any of them outside of a friendship. It's your call and you have to decide what is best for you now.

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Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

Posted
Posted

Plenty of people fresh out of relatipnships are able to fall hard for someone new.

 

My friends fiance said " no dating" and was hel bent on being single. Met my friend and fell head over heels for her. He was engaged to his ex too.

  • Like 1
gorf Established Member

gorf

Posted
Posted
So the deal is I'd been dating a really special guy whom I get along really well with. We met about 4 months ago. We are super similar in many ways, and although he'd been a bit standoffish I brushed it aside, since I myself am quite standoffish too. So in my mind this wasn't a big deal for me, since I know I really liked him even though I wasn't hugely forward in my romantic actions. And I was super ok with the slow steady pace, much to my friends' surprise!

However the last time we got dinner we had a really really nice time, until right at the end he said he had to tell me that he'd just come out of a long term relationship. He said he didn't want to lead me on and hurt me, and thats why he wanted me to know that. He told me he liked hanging out and liked me, and he'd thought he was ready to date again, however had realised he wasn't. However he said now that I knew this, it was up to me if we stayed in contact and still spent time together etc. I think I was super understanding in my response, and I fully understand that he needs to take time to find himself and move on. However the fact that the ball is in my court is what is getting to me, because I know there is no chance of a relationship right now however I definitely want to still hangout as friends, I feel it would be a shame to give up on someone I click with intellectually this easy, however my only hesitation is is this the right thing for him? Is the right thing for him for me to back off completely? I really like him, and I want the best for him! :(

 

I would think about what this means. Listen to what he told you, after 4 months at that. He says he is not ready for a romantic relationship with you due to pain from previous. Basically that is what he is saying. But.. he says he wants to stay friends. Ok, break this down. He wants to be friends.. with a woman he has dated for 4 months. He wants to go from dating to friends. He wants to do this cause of pain from a past relationship. A pain he cant let go apparently. But he will be with you, a woman he dated, demoted to friends, who he has a connection with.. and somehow it will be ok.

 

I understand he is putting the decision in your hands, but I guess what I would ask you is have you two been physical together? It sounds like he does not really care honestly. Would need more info to know why. Is there anything else he has told you concerning you two and your future together? Was there ever any sort of future planning at any time during your dating? Like life together type of talks at any degree?

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smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted

4 months of your time wasted. Move on, your energy is better spent elsewhere.

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Satu Established Member

Satu

Posted
Posted

I'm sure he's a great guy, but he's not ready.

 

Take his words as meaning exactly what they say:

 

snip

He told me he liked hanging out and liked me, and *he'd thought he was ready to date again, however had realised he wasn't.

 

Be friends, if you can be friends and want to, but shelve any romantic expectations until he's recovered from his recent breakup.

 

 

Take care.

spiderowl Established Member

spiderowl

Posted
Posted

He's pretty much said he doesn't want a romantic relationship with you, whatever his reasons. If you stay in contact with him, will you be wondering if he will change his mind? Will you be wanting him to change his mind? I don't think he will. You could be opening yourself to a lot of hurt by staying in any kind of relationship with him.

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preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

Number one, keep your own boundaries and rules about what you put up with and what you won't in place. Don't lower them for him just because he's in a situation. But then number two, don't try to escalate the relationship. No pressure, as long as it doesn't go on too long or you can tell he's not capable of moving forward. Keep dating other guys, definitely.

  • Like 1
BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

Posted
Posted (edited)

Let me tell you my story, it may help.

 

Two years ago, I met a guy and we had a lot in common. We dated for three months. Then, when it was time to get more serious, he told me that although he thought he was over his divorce and ready to date again, he had realized that he needed more time. He told me that he really enjoyed my company and he would love to continue to spend time with me, but he wasn't ready for a serious relationship and he didn't know when he would be ready for more.

 

The ball was in my court. We were both very respectful - he sent me an email the next day apologizing and asking if I was ok. I responded in kind - told him that I respected his decision but that I wanted more... I didn't really want to spend lots of time with him when I could be dating other people who were looking for the same thing I wanted. If we spent time together and continued to "date," it seemed like it would be a good deal for him, but not for me. I wanted more. He said he understood. We emailed a few times that fall but we didn't go out again.

 

The thing is, I think you have to believe someone when they say they don't want a serious relationship. If you see him again, you need to do so with the thought that it will only be a friendship - and be prepared that he may date someone else eventually. People told me to continue to spend time with him - that he may change his mind. But in my opinion, if he needed time to get his stuff together, then I was going to give him the time to do that. I want to date someone who is healthy and happy. I want to date someone who wants to be in a relationship with me. I do not want to feel like I have convinced someone to be in a relationship with me.

 

Now, the happy ending... This spring, I got an email from this guy. He took the time he needed and he had started to date again - but, he told me with every woman he met, he could not stop thinking of me. I had dated too, but nothing serious. I'd had also had a very busy and wonderful year - I was also in a good place to start a new relationship... So the timing was right for both of us. We went out a few times and things just grew from there...

 

I don't know if the same will happen for you. But I will say that I believe, if it's meant to be, it will be. I wish you all the best!

Edited by BaileyB
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