heartwhole Posted September 9, 2016 Posted September 9, 2016 I'm correct that your backstory is that you're also married and many months into a PA with a MOM, right? So I guess I'm not understanding why you are surprised to be developing emotions for a person you've invested all of this time, energy, and romance into . . . ???? 2
Lobe Posted September 9, 2016 Posted September 9, 2016 I have to question why any bs would want to stay with such a man I have to question why any AP would want such a man... touche, love lol! 5
Ronnie33 Posted September 9, 2016 Posted September 9, 2016 I think this is the same guy she is having the PA with. 1
Ahurtgirl Posted September 9, 2016 Posted September 9, 2016 For one, we all know that MM spin the stories to have you feeling sorry for them and keeping you hooked. I bet if someone talked to his wife she would be completely happy with the cuddling and intimacy in their relationship! Do you work with him? How often do you see him? Getting attached is the absolute WORST thing you can do. Because then you will accept anything, even the crumbs to continue seeing him. He will never leave his wife. It's a dead end road to no where and if his wife ever finds out he will cut you out of his life in an instant. No matter how good you think your relationship is and how compatible you are now. I wish someone had of talked some sense into me before I got hooked emotionally. Because it is VERY VERY painful to move on when it all goes pear shaped. You need to try to end the relationship before you hurt his spouse or him or yourself. It only gets harder the longer you stay together. I fell completely in love with my AP and after over 4 years, his wife found out, and he said he could no longer talk to me and to let him GO. If you have the heart and strength to do it, leave him now and begin healing before it is too late.
aileD Posted September 9, 2016 Posted September 9, 2016 I have to question why any bs would want to stay with such a man Because the BS is the one with an actual commitment and real life with him and they both deserve to try to figure out if their marriage is going to work or not if they want to, without the involvement of someone outside the marriage. 3
imperfectangel Posted September 9, 2016 Posted September 9, 2016 I have to question why any AP would want such a man... touche, love lol! How about we all just kick em to the curb 4
Cloudcuckoo Posted September 9, 2016 Posted September 9, 2016 How about we all just kick em to the curb Hurrah! I say! 4
ladydesigner Posted September 9, 2016 Posted September 9, 2016 I have to question why any bs would want to stay with such a man I ask myself this question everyday 2
Author paradoxx Posted September 10, 2016 Author Posted September 10, 2016 Sorry, maybe I should clarify here...this isn't my first post. I've already been involved in a PA for a while now and I am just as wrong and at fault as he is. We are using each other to compensate for missing elements in our marriages. Neither one of us is intending to leave our marriages (at least not for the other), so I'm not hoping for that. It's just that I wonder if I'm starting to feel something more, although I am not in love with this guy. Maybe I am gullible, but we've been doing this for a while and he hasn't been talking about this all along. These conversations don't happen until the end of our meeting, as though, he worked up the courage to talk about it. He says it just feels like a relief to let it out because he's never talked to anyone about it. I'm pulled into it by my own selfishness not out of pity. But I can see how sympathizing with MM can relieve some of the guilt. This is why I can see the increased danger of becoming too attached. I am working up the courage to leave this behind. I am not as strong as many of you yet, but I'm reading your stories and looking for the light at the end of this within them. 2
Lobe Posted September 10, 2016 Posted September 10, 2016 Whether the A starts out physical and becomes emotional or the other way round, when it's both you've got a double whammy. It's twice as hard when you have both aspects so if you're not already emotionally attached (which it sounds like you are) then now is the time to run. Why are you not trying to get what you're missing from your spouses? 1
Arieswoman Posted September 10, 2016 Posted September 10, 2016 OP, This might be useful ; https://affairadvice.wordpress.com/2012/12/27/how-do-i-end-my-affair/
Author paradoxx Posted September 10, 2016 Author Posted September 10, 2016 For me, I think I've been trying for the last 10+ years. I feel like I've been having the same one-sided conversation over and over. I've tried making my own happiness and doing things myself, lowering my expectations, doing life his way...and I just got tired and gave up, gave in etc. I felt kind of hopeless because I wasn't really getting any reaction or response. It was a bit of a panic because I didn't know what I could do to fix me since H was content and I was the problem. I feel like I just checked out and took a break from trying to make it better. I know the A does not make it better, but it's happened. I've spent these past months figuring out what is wrong with me that I allowed it and what to do now. Divorce has never been something I considered until IC (which I started when the A started). I'm trying to understand myself, my feelings and what will be best for me. I know it is not my AP. But until the A happened, I wouldn't acknowledge how unhappy I was. I just thought I was unreasonable or crazy. MM- according to him he tries to be affectionate not just for sex, but she pulls away. I won't really know the truth though, although he genuinely seems upset and confused whether the state of his marriage is normal or not. .
Arieswoman Posted September 10, 2016 Posted September 10, 2016 paradoxx, For me, I think I've been trying for the last 10+ years. I feel like I've been having the same one-sided conversation over and over. I've tried making my own happiness and doing things myself, lowering my expectations, doing life his way...and I just got tired and gave up, gave in etc. OK, so now you know that that approach won't work ^^^ it isn't making you happy. (Just so you know, I've been there got the Tshirt etc but I didn't cheat) But until the A happened, I wouldn't acknowledge how unhappy I was. I just thought I was unreasonable or crazy. OK, so the A has been a catalyst for personal change. How about you build on that? The A has served it's purpose, so now's the time to let it go. You have no future with your MM. He's feeding you a BS diet to keep you hooked and feeling sorry for him. Don't swallow it. Move forward. And who care's what the state of his marriage is? That's not your business or your problem. Attend to what's under your own roof.
NTV Posted September 10, 2016 Posted September 10, 2016 If your husband found out what would happen? 1
Author paradoxx Posted September 11, 2016 Author Posted September 11, 2016 paradoxx, OK, so now you know that that approach won't work ^^^ it isn't making you happy. (Just so you know, I've been there got the Tshirt etc but I didn't cheat) . How did you resolve this? Did your marriage survive? Did you leave?
BluesPower Posted September 11, 2016 Posted September 11, 2016 All I am going to say is this: I was honest with my other women, totally. And my last one to almost 6 months to get over me, 6 months. During that time, the completely lost her mind and I will not tell you the crap she went though. Now mind you, I never lied to her at all, and she still feel in love. I will never understand why. You really don't want to go where you are going, trust me, you don't. Find a single guy that can really love you and you can love him guilt free. And I am guessing the you are single, cause if you are not, that is a whole other conversation...
Arieswoman Posted September 11, 2016 Posted September 11, 2016 paradox, How did you resolve this? Did your marriage survive? Did you leave? I told him to shape up or ship out and made plans to leave myself. He begged me not to go "because it would upset his parents over Christmas". Like fool I stayed longer. Then DD came and I found that he's been cheating for 7 months ! That's why I was so mad when I discovered his affair, and gave him a smack in the mouth x 3. He got the divorce papers a week later and moved out 3 weeks after that. My mistake was to allow him to guilt-trip me into staying, but divorcing was easier for adultery in UK than "unreasonable behaviour".
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