Accused of Harassment

[Eyebrows]

It's made me feel like a total creep. I think I'll get told I deserve it based on how my exes behaviour has been interpreted before on this and other relationship forums. The term BPD seems to get thrown around a lot...since she was remorseful when she broke up with me and only grew cold when I chased her I don't think she is, but the rapid idealisation, pictures of baby clothes after a month and asking how I'd propose after two weeks, as well as all this stuff about soulmates, growing old together, that I was her prince and saviour seemed to show that something was off.

 

The thing is I have technically harassed her.

 

After the relationship I chased her and she eventually grew cold. I reached out to her a few months later because my Dad tried to commit suicide. She agreed to talk to me about it. Eventually she said she couldn't do it anymore.

 

The context now two months after that: I'm due brain surgery in a few months. I was diagnosed with an AVM. It has been scary for me and I hadn't known where to turn. At one point I panicked because they'd said that I'd had a minor bleed before but that the AVM is really hard to operate on due to the placement. So even if the surgery is successful it's possible that there'll be some permanent neurological effects. That's when I got in touch with my ex. I wrote her a letter because I was absolutely terrified something was going to happen to me and still am scared of the surgery. I'd been having seizures, headaches were getting worse.

 

So I wrote her a letter. I text her to let her know I'd sent it, that I just felt like I wanted to say a proper goodbye in case something did end up happening. Then I sent her a FB message basically saying I'd been diagnosed with it during the relationship but not said anything because she was going through her own issues after crying on our trip, that I didn't want to say anything over Christmas. That the girl I had met was the kindest, sweetest girl and that I thought she might regret it if she didn't get the chance to say bye and could we meet up because I felt like I needed it to gain some closure.

 

I don't know...I just figured that since we'd been friends as well and since we had been close and she at one point had talked about spending her life with me that we could call everything else water under the bridge.

 

She went to the union at work and accused me of harassment. Not only did she bring up the letter, she said I've been lurking in corridors and waiting in stairwells for her. This last part isn't true at all. I dropped my hours so there's been times where I've been in the communal rest area (the only one we have) before my shift Haven't tried to talk to her while I've been there though. We work in the same place, I am bound to run into her at times. She said I was emotionally blackmailing her. And I can kind of see her point on that one.

 

My senior manager pulled me aside and said she's accused me of harassment. She stepped in and asked if she could talk to me instead of making it formal. She said my ex went into the meeting with the other senior manager 'crying and shaking' to which my manager raised her eyebrows and said "It's an act." She apparently said that she rang victim support.

 

This isn't going any further at work. My senior manager told me that she had to bring it up with the rest of the managers and they all said that she is manipulative, that they were all shocked by the claims because I'm considered a popular member of the office, a good worker and she is basically considered nuts. The manipulative things comes from stuff that isn't to do with me...she used to send her ex up to ask for her to get moved teams because she had a problem with a manager. She has played the victim card. A lot. And they are aware she dated her ex for 4 months, dumped him, got with me for 5 months, dumped me. There is other behaviour that I'm not privy to but management definitely don't look at her favourably.

 

Nor do many people in the office tbh.

 

She has a new boyfriend, which I didn't know about, so I don't know if that's why she's kicking off because she doesn't want him to know that 13 months ago she was with her first boyfriend and told him she loved him, or that 12 months ago she was asking me about how I was going to propose to her and getting ready to come on her travels with me. I guess that hurts too. That she told me I was the love of her life and the 'one' and that nothing would ever scare me away, yet in the space of 9 month she's had three boyfriends and told two of them that she loved them.

 

I don't know...we were good friends before we were lovers. Nobody cheated, nobody was abusive, things ended without an argument and she only got cold when I tried to get answers because I was confused about how someone can go from talking about the house they're going to live in to saying there's no attraction by way of a 10 day trip.

 

Under the circumstances I thought what we had meant enough that she would have been open to meeting up, considering the brain surgery. You'd have thought I'd cut out letters from a newspaper and pasted them on a sheet of paper threatening to kill her. She was worried I was going to turn up at her house and that her Dad might beat me up(!). I have her address, from when I had sent her flowers and my Mum had sent her some things to bring out to me when we were planning travelling...but I would NEVER put myself physically around her or turn up at her home. Christ, I don't even drive, don't know where she actually lives and if I google mapped the address I'd have to get like two trains, a bus and a taxi to even get there.

 

I could understand if I had been this horrible, abusive boyfriend but she would always say "how can one person be so good." And although I don't necessarily think people owe people anything, but I thought in her mind that looking after her those 10 days abroad when she was crying her eyes out and ending the trip early would at least grant me a casual cup of coffee. I suppose she just moved on, has her new friends when she didn't have any before, is back to being fun and quirky when she always complained and cried over everything when she was with me and just doesn't think back to the trip or anything at all. In my mind that was such a big thing, her crying that way and not eating. I never recovered from it when we got back and I'm assuming her loss of attraction was because of me being so drained, over-worrying, losing my lightness and sense of fun, when it had all stemmed from her saying "What is the point of me?, I don't deserve you, anyone else would have told me to get out" and all that other crap. I held her every night for ten days as she cried.

 

And I still feel bad for making her feel that way. After everything the girl has put me through...turning me down but still flirting with me so I'm in limbo, love-bombing me, ruining my trip, meeting my parents, hugging my Mum goodbye and telling them she's going to take me to Cyprus and then dumping me three weeks later, to now the harassment claims that would have lost me my job if she wasn't considered to be selfish and vindictive by people at work, I still think about what I've put her through. I still miss her, or at least, I miss who she was at the beginning and it tears me up as well that she's just off having fun with her new bf and I'm sitting here dreading my upcoming surgery and still re-thinking "What if I'd been more fun?", "What if I'd been more talkative or explained to her that I was quiet because I was so worried about her."

 

The AVM started showing symptoms on the trip itself and even without the AVM it was so emotionally taxing for me that I couldn't bounce back and she pretty much dumped me for it. Can't stop thinking of all the "morning soulmate" and "night soulmate" messages and how perfect things seemed to be going until we had the time apart then went away.

 

I know I'm going to get told I should have left things ages ago. But she had been really important for me and the thought of something happening without me being able to say goodbye really got to me.

Edited September 9, 2016 by Eyebrows

[aloneinaz]

I hope things go well for you in your surgery. It sounds like you're having to navigate through a lot right now but you will and come out the other side even stronger.

 

It's really hard to let go after a R/S ends that you didn't want to. I think if you reread what you wrote about this ex, you'll eventually come to the conclusion that you are much better off.

 

One thing that really helps everyone is to go NC and don't break it. I don't know if changing jobs is an option but it's something to consider. I wouldn't want to go to work and face an ex day after day. The sooner you can accept that she's your past and again, have NO contact, the sooner you'll be back on your feet, searching for your next significant other.

 

I learned when I was young that once a R/S is over, you can't think of them as any sort of support system. They are not in your life anymore. A lot of people wouldn't even consider contacting someone after they were dumped no matter what has transpired in their lives. The dumper in most cases doesn't want to hear from the dumpee either. Most often, they simply want to move on w/their lives as well.

 

I will say R/S's are odd. One week this person is your best friend, confidant, lover and best friend. Then the next, you're broken up and don't talk anymore. It's hard for everyone to navigate through. The finality of it stings.

 

I think this is where this site's NC rules have helped so many. They helped me immensely a few years ago. It's hard to do but it's the fastest way to get back on your feet again. You may read them again and apply it so you can feel better too.

 

Keep your chin up. This too shall pass.

[LD1990]

Look, as intense as it may have been at the time, your relationship with this girl only lasted a few months. It was silly to try and see her again, and I could see how she'd take all this talk of a proper goodbye to be emotional blackmail. She isn't your ex-wife, and the fact that you were so worried about seeing her again shows you still need to take her off the pedestal.

 

That being said, it sounds like she's a major drama queen. Don't give her any more ammunition that could possibly get you in trouble.

[ExpatInItaly]

Here's what I think is really going on:

 

She's had a boyfriend for a while. She probably started dating him before finishing with you. It sounds like she might even live with him. You claim you two were "good friends" before, but you don't even know where she lives? Think about that. It doesn't make a lot of sense, and I don't believe she kept you away because she was afraid her Dad would try to fight you. I think her boyfriend either lives with her or is there a lot, and that is the real reason she wouldn't let you visit.

 

You say she also pulled away when you chased her. Ask yourself why.

 

Now she is claiming you're harassing her, so that her boyfriend doesn't figure out that she cheated on him with you. She's painting you as the crazy one so that he doesn't catch on to the true nature of your relationship.

 

Just speculating, because it would make a lot of sense.

 

Whatever the case, she clearly wants zero further contact with you. She indeed sounds manipulative. Stay away from her and be glad it's no longer you dealing with her antics.

[Eyebrows]

She lives with her parents. I've skyped her and heard her talking to her Mum. She hadn't met this guy before we split up, she met him after though work colleagues. And I know the area she lives in but I've never been to her house. Weird parents situation. They think she's still a virgin and she never even told them about her first boyfriend. She accused him of being emotionally unstable and told me she was scared of him too.

 

But yes I know it didn't last long. There was a lot crammed into a short period. And I really had been made to think she had a lot of affection for me.

 

The way the office is set out I don't see her. I'm good at that job, respected at it and don't feel I should have to leave a good career.

 

I hadn't been thinking straight a lot I the time with the AVM anyway this year. I even knew it was inappropriate to look for support from her but I still did it. I guess because I've travelled and my closest friends are all abroad, my support system locally isn't great. A diagnosis like that is so scary.

Edited September 9, 2016 by Eyebrows

[DarrenB]

These women are the worst... definitely dodged a bullet there my friend.

 

You'll find someone different, better in due time. Focus on yourself and not someone like this. The time and trouble just isn't worth it

[preraph]

I can't believe this woman is even on your radar when you're facing brain surgery. Are you focusing on her so you don't have to focus on your impending surgery by chance?

 

Either way, understand this: She is definitely done and doesn't want any part of you anymore. She's fed up. Is she justified? I don't care. You have now received a message you cannot interpret any other way and need to put your big boy pants on and leave her totally and forever alone! And focus on your health, man!

[Satu]

She sounds like someone to avoid.

 

Just concentrate on your own health and wellbeing.

 

The last thing you need is drama.

 

 

Take some steps to lower your stress levels and fear.

 

Get a massage or some reflexology.

 

Eat delicious and healthy food.

 

Associate with people who make you feel good.

 

Listen to uplifting music.

 

Go to art galleries and admire the masterpieces you find there.

 

Go to the park and feed the birds and the squirrels.

 

Turn away from anything that is upsetting, draining, or depressing.

 

 

Take care.

[ExpatInItaly]

She lives with her parents. I've skyped her and heard her talking to her Mum. She hadn't met this guy before we split up, she met him after though work colleagues. And I know the area she lives in but I've never been to her house. Weird parents situation. They think she's still a virgin and she never even told them about her first boyfriend. She accused him of being emotionally unstable and told me she was scared of him too.

 

But yes I know it didn't last long. There was a lot crammed into a short period. And I really had been made to think she had a lot of affection for me.

 

The way the office is set out I don't see her. I'm good at that job, respected at it and don't feel I should have to leave a good career.

 

I hadn't been thinking straight a lot I the time with the AVM anyway this year. I even knew it was inappropriate to look for support from her but I still did it. I guess because I've travelled and my closest friends are all abroad, my support system locally isn't great. A diagnosis like that is so scary.

 

So you know you can't believe a word that comes out of her mouth.

 

Sorry, but I still think she's been feeding you a load of BS about a lot of things. The above statement is proof she is capable of it. Her parents obviously didn't know who you were; she might not have been honest with you about the reason why, though. Same goes for the timeline of her dating this man.

 

Anyway, you need to stay away from her. Forever. She's not playing with a full deck.