rbrt140 Posted September 9, 2016 Posted September 9, 2016 Hi I will try to keep this short but include as much info as I can. About over a year ago I met a girl and we hit it off pretty great right from the start. We flirted and talked a whole lot and started to hang out pretty often. After about a month and a half we started dating and everything felt and seemed great. She always mentioned why are you so good time? or why do you treat me so well? ...We were affectionate but also we became good friends, we would go out on dates, and hang out on her couch, play video games watch movies, the sex was great and everything seemed easy. One night we were at her house watching youtube videos and being silly, I remember that night she greeted me with a big kiss... and then she suddenly tells me that she isn't feeling it and thinks we should break up. She said that I was a great bf but she jsut didn't feel right holding my hand or kissing etc... I was crushed. We didn't talk for about 3 days and then I broke and called her and texted her, I told her that I was fine being friends. So we were just friends, and we got even closer, we talked a lot more and about deeper things, we confessed a lot about each other and really got to know each other... we became best friends.... we still talked every day and hung out at least 3 times a week... dinner, video games, movies, parties etc... eventually one night we had sex again... and everything seemed fine... this happened a couple of more times... and a lot of those times she would initiate it.... and it was great. Everything from the sex to the friendship and everything else felt great. One night she tells me that she is worried, that she isn't enjoying sex anymore, she said its not you at all... the sex is great but afterwards something feels wrong... even when she masturbated she couldn't enjoy it and wasn't feeling good. I told her she didnt have to have sex with me... that there was no pressure at all... then she said lets try anyway and I said are you sure... and we did and she said it was great as usual but still something didnt feel right.... Our relationship kept growing and moving along for a couple of months. Then about 2 weeks ago, we go out to dinner and everything seems fine... the next morning... she tells me that she doesn't want to have sex anymore... that the past couple of times she has not really wanted to... and that its not the actual sex its just that she isnt enjoying it or feeling good about it... specially afterwards... she then says we need to stop talking for a while and take a break to be able to jsut be friends.... that the fact that we acted so much liek we were together.. she felt like she had to please me and she had to have sex with me... I told her I never wanted her to feel forced that I only wanted it if she wnated it too... she said that because we're so affectionate and close and that I treat her so well she feels like she needs to get used to not having sex with me for a while and not talk... because she doesnt want to get to the point that she is still doing it... I wont say no and then eventually not want to see me at all.... She said she cared about me and loved me and loved spending time with me and talking etc... but that she sees this as the only solution... to take this break for a while... I have to mention that she does suffer from depression and mood swings... and she said last time I spoke to her that she has cried lately... I am just trying to make sense of all this. Please let me know your thoughts. Thanks!
gorf Posted September 9, 2016 Posted September 9, 2016 (edited) Tell us more about her. Is she going through anything in particular in her life? You mention depression. Has she said what makes her depressed? Also sounds like stress. Is she on medication? When is the last relationship prior to you? I mean bf gf, flings, ons, anything physical. Could be a bunch of things. Its frustration Im sure. Its possible you are a guy she feels comfortable with. She wants a friend. She used sex for a time to get you close, then when she liked how close you got, she cut it off cause that was close and good enough for her. Know what I mean? Here would be my question to you: do you want a friendship with her? Do you want a fwb? Or do you want a long lasting relationship that might lead to marriage? Figure out what YOU want (remember, this is about what you need to) .. then talk to her. Ask her if she sees you in the picture of her life. In her future. As more than a friend (if that is what you want). If she says I dont know then ask her why she does not know. She will probably tell you what you want to hear then. I mean, dont drag this out if she is not in line with what you want. You will only waste your own time. Ask her what she wants from you. Edited September 9, 2016 by gorf
Ami1uwant Posted September 9, 2016 Posted September 9, 2016 hard to say here... was the sex her or did she not want to have sex with you because she lose atteaction to you? There are some examples out there of people who are "asexual" where they have zero sex drive and no motivation for sex. She could have other problems that ,ills her sex drive.
Author rbrt140 Posted September 9, 2016 Author Posted September 9, 2016 Tell us more about her. Is she going through anything in particular in her life? You mention depression. Has she said what makes her depressed? Also sounds like stress. Is she on medication? When is the last relationship prior to you? I mean bf gf, flings, ons, anything physical. Could be a bunch of things. Its frustration Im sure. Its possible you are a guy she feels comfortable with. She wants a friend. She used sex for a time to get you close, then when she liked how close you got, she cut it off cause that was close and good enough for her. Know what I mean? Here would be my question to you: do you want a friendship with her? Do you want a fwb? Or do you want a long lasting relationship that might lead to marriage? Figure out what YOU want (remember, this is about what you need to) .. then talk to her. Ask her if she sees you in the picture of her life. In her future. As more than a friend (if that is what you want). If she says I dont know then ask her why she does not know. She will probably tell you what you want to hear then. I mean, dont drag this out if she is not in line with what you want. You will only waste your own time. Ask her what she wants from you. Thank you for your honestly.... to answer your questions.... she has never really said exactly why she feels depressed sometimes... she is also getting her masters right now so she does have a lot of stress on her... she had told me that she was on medication a while ago.... but not sure anymore... her last bf was about a year 2 years ago now... To be honest.... I love her as a friend shes my best friend... but also that I do see her as a partner... we get along great and love being around each other and really care and feel for one another... but she has always said that she liked me and even loved me but she wasnt sure about the future... and honestly I didnt mind because it was only a year so far... and even I am not 100% sure about the future.. but I know that right now I want her...
Author rbrt140 Posted September 9, 2016 Author Posted September 9, 2016 hard to say here... was the sex her or did she not want to have sex with you because she lose atteaction to you? There are some examples out there of people who are "asexual" where they have zero sex drive and no motivation for sex. She could have other problems that ,ills her sex drive. Shes definitelly not asexual... because she was the one who would initiate the sex alot of times... or even text me specifically to come over to have sex... She always said its not you.... that she doesnt feel like having sex with me or anyone else and even masturbating doesnt feel good.
gorf Posted September 9, 2016 Posted September 9, 2016 Yeah Im brutally honest. Sorry. But here again, .. but she has always said that she liked me and even loved me but she wasnt sure about the future... and honestly I didnt mind because it was only a year so far... and even I am not 100% sure about the future.. but I know that right now I want her... She is not sure about your future together, but uses words like "love." You are not completely sure, its been a year, thats a good amout of time.. but you are also not sure about your future with her. But you want to be with her anyways. It sounds like you two are lonely, and really just need each others company. Maybe its nothing more than that and never will be. Ever though of it that way?
ExpatInItaly Posted September 9, 2016 Posted September 9, 2016 Whatever the cause is, she is not in a place to be in a committed relationship right now. I think you two need to take real space from each other for a while. Don't try to be friends for now. She clearly doesn't know what she wants and while you feel you are getting closer, she is pulling away. That's not healthy or the foundation for a sustainable relationship. Go your separate ways for now. There might be a possibility to reconnect later but it's not the right time for you two at this moment.
soyou Posted September 9, 2016 Posted September 9, 2016 I have been there on her shoes. Here is my 5 cent She likes you. She enjoys your company. You're such a sweet heart who treats her wonderfully and is always there for her. She appreciates it all But deep down, she knows that you're not the one. The more time she spends with you, the more feeling she has for you but at the same time she knows that you're not what she wants. So she becomes depressed, struggled. Go NC for a while is a very good and healthy approach for both of you to have time to get over each other. This type of relationship is not meant to last. At a certain point, it will break down and now it's that time. I think you need to respect her choice bcos it's good for both of you that way.
Sunnymae Posted September 9, 2016 Posted September 9, 2016 So at the beginning, you're friends, then FWB. You treat her well, you have fun together, the sex is good, you appreciate her, show her lots of affection. All Sounds great! Then one night, she says, she's not feeling it, that holding hands and kissing doesn't feel right, and you should break up. Sounds likes she's giving you mixed signals. All this uncertainty would drive anybody nuts. So then you guys become platonic friends, and you're okay with it? ( probably b/c you're hoping things will go back to FWB) So one night it happens! you're back to being FWB. From what you've said, she is definitely sexual, but for whatever reason feels regret after having sex with you. She obviously enjoys the sex with you, but then feels guilty afterwards. Perhaps she just wants you as a friend, and doesn't want to mislead you. It's not fair to you to have all this uncertainty in your life. You probably have strong feelings b/c of the uncertainty, or anticipation a sexual encounter, or not. I think you should start seeing other people, focus on people that you feel certain love you or want to be with you. Find someone who makes you feel worthy. This is her problem, not yours. I think she needs to find a therapist to dump her sexual problems on. Being with you seems to be confusing her more. Take care.
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