Do you think "I'm too tired to drive up" is a good excuse to cancel plans to visit?

[xxgreen20]

I am a little miffed right now, because tonight, my gf was going to drive to my college to visit me (about a 50 minute drive). I don't have a car on campus, so when we go out during the week she has to drive down to me. We will usually go out for dinner and ice cream and walk around town before she drops me back off on campus.

 

We made plans for yesterday for her to come down tonight, and at about 4, she texted me saying she didn't feel like driving up here because she was too tired from her day and from the heat (it's 90 degrees today). I just responded with "ok." I was very upset and angry, but before I get too angry, I want to hear your guys opinions. She has a friend that also lives an hour from her, and she has cancelled on that friend before for that same reason, so it is not just with me.

 

After I said "ok," I didn't hear back for a bit, and then she texted me saying she felt bad. I just said, "It's ok." Just those two words. I'm debating whether that reason is understandable or not for cancelling, and whether I should be understanding or mad. The drive is only an hour, and she did not have to work today. As far as I know she went to the gym and that's all she did today. I know that if she was at college and I was home and I had plans to go visit her, I wouldn't cancel unless I was puking or was actually in danger of falling asleep at the wheel.

 

She asked if I was coming home this weekend (I'm not because I have a meeting going on here on Saturday that I can't miss) before cancelling. Let me know. Thanks.

Edited September 8, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs

[CarrieT]

Yes, being too tired to drive is a good REASON (change the verbiage from "excuse") to not drive that far.

[oldshirt]

Does she frequently cancel dates without rescheduling an alternate date?

[BikerAccnt]

Yeah, I can understand it. As long as it's not done frequently, I'd cut her some slack. I can see being a bit upset about it but, sometimes we ( I mean we as in all of us) are just too tired to do anything but go home and collapse.

 

Somedays it's a struggle to do my 30 minute commute home from the office if it's been a really difficult day..

[xxgreen20]

Yes, being too tired to drive is a good REASON (change the verbiage from "excuse") to not drive that far.

 

True, I should have said "reason." But people still understand what I mean.

[xxgreen20]

Does she frequently cancel dates without rescheduling an alternate date?

 

No, never. In fact, unless she has and I forgot about it, this is the first time.

[TheWoman]

Its an excellent reason, and the most appropriate response I think is 'ok i'll drive to you today/tonight'. If for whatever reason that is a response you cannot make, then that is on you.

[xxgreen20]

Its an excellent reason, and the most appropriate response I think is 'ok i'll drive to you today/tonight'. If for whatever reason that is a response you cannot make, then that is on you.

 

Explain to me how I'm supposed to do that. I DON'T HAVE A CAR ON CAMPUS. YOU DON'T THINK THAT IF I HAD A CAR I WOULD DRIVE TO HER?

[oldshirt]

To answer your question, yes, being too tired is a valid. Reason to cancel a where she must drive an hour.

 

Remember she must also drive an hour on the way BACK which would likely be later that night.

 

If she is very tired, that would be dangerous.

 

Are you so desperate to see her that you are willing to endanger her safety?

[TheWoman]

Explain to me how I'm supposed to do that. I DON'T HAVE A CAR ON CAMPUS. YOU DON'T THINK THAT IF I HAD A CAR I WOULD DRIVE TO HER?

 

Yes I read that, but what i was trying to say is, that is your problem, dont dump that on her. A 2 hour round trip is a lot and if she doesnt feel up to it Im glad she said so, for the safety of everyone else.

[xxgreen20]

Yes I read that, but what i was trying to say is, that is your problem, dont dump that on her. A 2 hour round trip is a lot and if she doesnt feel up to it Im glad she said so, for the safety of everyone else.

 

I understand. She has work at 7am tomorrow, so she would have to drive back tonight rather than sleeping over. When she comes up, we always switch drivers when she picks me up, and I drive everywhere until we get back to campus. But the 2 hours is still quite a bit, and I just texted her and apologized for being harsh.

[xxgreen20]

I would recommend letting this one slide, then trying to save some money to buy a car of your own so you can go to her half the time.

 

Money isn't an issue. I have a car at home, but I'm a freshman, and I'm not allowed to have a car on campus until I'm a junior.

[CarrieT]

True, I should have said "reason." But people still understand what I mean.

 

People *do* understand what you mean, but if you use the word "excuse" in a conversation with her, it will come across as passive-aggressive and accusatory.

 

Take a big, giant chill pill on this one.

[xxgreen20]

To answer your question, yes, being too tired is a valid. Reason to cancel a where she must drive an hour.

 

Remember she must also drive an hour on the way BACK which would likely be later that night.

 

If she is very tired, that would be dangerous.

 

Are you so desperate to see her that you are willing to endanger her safety?

 

Last week, she left at 10:30pm, so no, I wouldn't want her driving an hour in the dark tired. She was very tired last week too, but she said she was fine to drive back and texted me as soon as she got there.

[Taramere]

Explain to me how I'm supposed to do that. I DON'T HAVE A CAR ON CAMPUS. YOU DON'T THINK THAT IF I HAD A CAR I WOULD DRIVE TO HER?

 

How often does she make the journey to see you? If she's had a rough day, and it's 90 degrees, a 50 mile journey is going to seem like a real chore. Does she stay over? How much of a rest does she get before she has to drive back?

 

Let's say she did put her own life and other people's at risk by driving to see you while tired. And while you're spending time with her, she's distracted, yawning, tetchy from being tired and dreading the 50 mile drive home again....is that really going to be quality time together?

 

If you see eachother regularly, and she's the one who's always having to make the journey...how about you look into ways for you to get to her. Not having a car on campus doesn't make it impossible, it just makes it more difficult. What about public transport? trains? Share a ride services?

[xxgreen20]

How often does she make the journey to see you? If she's had a rough day, and it's 90 degrees, a 50 mile journey is going to seem like a real chore. Does she stay over? How much of a rest does she get before she has to drive back?

 

Let's say she did put her own life and other people's at risk by driving to see you while tired. And while you're spending time with her, she's distracted, yawning, tetchy from being tired and dreading the 50 mile drive home again....is that really going to be quality time together?

 

If you see eachother regularly, and she's the one who's always having to make the journey...how about you look into ways for you to get to her. Not having a car on campus doesn't make it impossible, it just makes it more difficult. What about public transport? trains? Share a ride services?

 

I come home most weekends, so I see her then. School just started, but she is gonna come up at least once a week. There is a train station right down the road for during the week, but the station I would get off at is almost as far from her as my school. I could get a cab from the station, though, so you've definitely opened my eyes to something. Cost and train schedules are things I would have to figure out.

[xxgreen20]

She has only come once so far since this is only the second week of school. She didn't stay last time because she wanted to make sure she'd be comfortable staying on campus before she did. She was here last time for about 4 hours.

I come home most weekends, so I see her then. School just started, but she is gonna come up at least once a week. There is a train station right down the road for during the week, but the station I would get off at is almost as far from her as my school. I could get a cab from the station, though, so you've definitely opened my eyes to something. Cost and train schedules are things I would have to figure out, but that is not that hard.

[oldshirt]

Now to answer the question that you haven't come out and asked directly but that you are asking between the lines in all these threads you are posting about these little annoyances that are effecting you out of proportion to their actual seriousness-

 

- no, she is not as invested in the relationship as you are.

 

And no, she is not as serious about it as you are.

 

On a scale of 1-10 on how personally invested you are in this relationship and as serious as you are about her, you are at 9.99.

 

(A stalker standing outside her window in the pouring rain would be a 10)

 

She is about a 5-6.

 

You are in way too deep and are getting too over your head.

 

I'm sure she is a sweat, pretty girl and I'm sure she is very nice.

 

But you are infatuated to the point that any little thing she does that's not as infatuated as you is driving you crazy and setting you over the edge with insecurity.

 

You are going to drive her away with your neediness and clingyness.

 

You need to step back and chill a little. Stop smothering her. Get some other hobbies and other friends and other activities so she is not your whole world and not your sole source of happiness and fulfillment.

 

Bring your investment level down to about a 5-6 which more closely matches hers.

 

She hasn't fled from you yet which is lucky for you. Dial it down now while you still have a chance.

[sc0316]

Can you rent a car and drive to her some of the weeks? It's quite a burden to have to drive to you every single week. How do you travel from your campus back home during the weekends?

[Gaeta]

- no, she is not as invested in the relationship as you are.

 

And no, she is not as serious about it as you are.

 

She is about a 5-6.

 

How did you come up with that?

 

Because she won't put her security at risk?

[oldshirt]

How did you come up with that?

 

Because she won't put her security at risk?

 

not at all. I stated not driving a 2hr round trip at night while she is tired is perfectly valid.

 

Read his other threads.

[xxgreen20]

not at all. I stated not driving a 2hr round trip at night while she is tired is perfectly valid.

 

Read his other threads.

 

FYI, she is very invested in the relationship. It's been a very long time since I posted that thread in the summer about her feeling weird, and that has long since passed. She is back to the way she was before, and even said "I love you" recently. She is always texting me, and we video chat at least once a day.

[xxgreen20]

Can you rent a car and drive to her some of the weeks? It's quite a burden to have to drive to you every single week. How do you travel from your campus back home during the weekends?

 

My dad picks me up.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Yes it is a legit reason. You are legitimately allowed to be dissapointed by her decision but it's a valid train to cancel.

 

We get tired and we are useless to others when our tanks are running low. So she might actually be doing you a favour by cancelling.

[Lorenza]

So... She's tired, will have to drive for 2 h in total and wake up early the next morning, is generally invested into the relationship and this is actually the first time she cancelled yet... you're still angry and upset?

 

Do you care about her wellbeing?