Not being able to afford dates. Thoughts?

[Bialy]

To me, a first date doesn't ever cost more than $10 - that usually means just coffee, iced tea, or ice cream. Something to walk and talk and get to know each other. Guys, I find, really like that.

 

The only time lunch or dinner has ever entered into the equation is when the date lasts more than 3 hours. At that point, it's usually the guy who offers to pay. When that happens, I like to make sure the follow-up date is inexpensive - maybe a bike ride and a very light snack.

 

To me, it's all about balance.

[codelock]

To me, a first date doesn't ever cost more than $10 - that usually means just coffee, iced tea, or ice cream. Something to walk and talk and get to know each other. Guys, I find, really like that.

 

The only time lunch or dinner has ever entered into the equation is when the date lasts more than 3 hours. At that point, it's usually the guy who offers to pay. When that happens, I like to make sure the follow-up date is inexpensive - maybe a bike ride and a very light snack.

 

To me, it's all about balance.

 

I 100% agree. Balance makes sense and I'm taking everyone's input and going to be more in control. the guys just seem so interested that they plan the date right after the first one and I find myself saying yes to not look disinterested but realize I'm committing to a date that might be too pricey so early on.

 

The guys I've been dating this month tend to like fancy dinners and then going to a pub for drinks and a chat. If my third date Sunday goes great, I'll jump in and recommend ideas for the next one that might be free/low-cost. I get free tickets from work for comedy shows and such that thinking of a fun low-cost idea shouldn't be difficult.

 

The other guy just agreed to the picnic and from now on I'll just stop holding myself back from suggesting an idea. Now that the weather is warmer here in Sydney there's no reason all the dates have to be indoors and involve food and drinking.

[SwordofFlame]

Do these men know what you do for a living before they take you out on a date? If not, maybe you should work it into the conversation before meeting.

[Leigh 87]

Do these men know what you do for a living before they take you out on a date? If not, maybe you should work it into the conversation before meeting.

 

Who cares?

 

If a guy earns a decent income and can well afford to treat a lady to a date - yet PREFERS to still split the check - then women is not defective or "wrong" for being a little taken aback.

 

Not ALL women are the same you know? Some prefer tradition (not just when it benefits them either - they step up and act generous to compensate in non date related ways)

 

I think the men the OP meets are better suited to women who prefer to be independent and who genuinely PREFER to pay their own way. These types of women are, well, MOST women prefer to pay their way in this day and age. So the OP is simply meeting the normal type of guy who is best suited to the usual type of girl.

 

Where as I am different. I also have a friend or two who are like me. We are outside the "norm" in terms of dating and where paying for dates is of a concern. We are NOT normal, so we willingly date knowing full well that MOST men prefer women to pay their half or alternatively, take it in "turns".

 

The OP seems to be on the fence - she is not a "total princes" like me or my friends, who prefer men to just pay for dates. But she does prefer men who earn a decent income to step up and treat her when it is a meagre coffee for Petes sake.

 

I feel the OP would be the most compatible with the type of guy who treats a girl without thinking when it comes to cheap @ss things like coffees - yet take it in TURNS to pay for dates (as opposed to splitting, which is just cheap and NO generous person would opt to split)- I mean only a true tight waded would make a lady pay for a 4 dollar coffee if he was romantically into her:sick: Yet even generous people sometimes prefer a modern woman to take it in turns when it comes to actual DATES.

 

These types of scenarios ARE important! I honestly loose all attraction to men who do not hold certain values to me - and likewise, many men loose desire for women who are not into going halves or taking turns.

 

I think it is best to figure out what type of a person a guy or gal is prior to letting the dating process carry too migh weight- it is easier to stop things in their tracks before they even get started - as opposed to one year later like I had to with Mr Tight Wadd in 2014.......

 

I am all about the spark and chemistry and sexual attraction - but I have learnt to be very careful when it comes to the BASIC compatibility, AKA, who pays for dates/kids or no kids/marriage or no marriage/. Early on I eliminated the truly incompatible men. This worked really well for me in the end.

 

I find these little so called "trivial" things do hold a lot of weight in the later stages of a relationship - men for instance who split the check despite earning a good income, I found were not a totally generous person like I am - when times were tough, my ex who enjoyed splitting or taking turns at paying for dates - he WOULD NOT want to help me. If I broke my phone and it was a HUGE source to study material ( I use medical apps when I walk, whenever I am away from home to study for med school) - he had 20K of savings yet would not even consider helping me out if my cat needed to go to the vet, my phone broke and I could not study on the go, or etc.

 

The current guy has no savings really but is starting to get his butt into gear - but despite having less savings than my tight wad ex, he will ALWAYS... Help me out if I am short of cash. When I was overseas and short of cash - without hesitation he had put money into my account without me even ASKING. When I feel ugly and my eyebrows are bushy and I have not updated my haircut in 8 months - he insists on treating me to as hair cut and etc.

 

It is just nice to have someone who has your back financially and who, well... Just enjoys treating you when they can afford it and when they can see it would really add some joy to your day. And I find men who slit the check despite earning a good income - were never the men who just enjoyed treating me to nice things ever, at all, and would never cover my @ss when I was short of cash for important or semi important things. Where as when my best dog needed registering in order to be taken out of the pound (he is a digger and escapes at time) - I gave over 280 without thinking - to get the dog microchipped and registered since my BF was short of cash and had not gotten around to doing it. It goes both ways.

 

I know I am reading a lot into this whole issue regarding who pays for dates or not. I guess I have been around with far too many guys than I care to admit, and I do notice a pattern and set correlation between men who do not any for dates (and especially men who split), and overall generosity levels.

 

Really generous and traditional women who love playing the feminine role in their lives NOT just in regards to dating (so they enjoy cleaning and keeping well groomed and invest a lot of money into their looks) - these types of women tend to prefer men to treat them to dates.

 

I do not like it how women like the OP are made to feel bad for wanting a guy to treat them. NOT everyone subscribes to the NEW modern gender role re assignments that have taken place in the modern era. And they are NOT. Bad people, princesses or in generous women themselves.

 

The OP sounds reasonable to me.... It is a first date and they cannot even be Biggara treating her. This also screams to me that they are prob dating around a lot which also points me in the opposite direction of such men - as I preferred to leave my dating life to fate and meeting a perfect stranger randomly. I was not into online dating and setting up meet ups. Men who date around a lot online and are taking many women out each week were also not the type of men I was after ultimately.

 

So... Men who like to split the check are usually not very generous people, and/or date around a lot hence the financial restrictions on having so many dates per week or fortnight even......

 

Men who take turns I have found to be generous men who just do not wasn't to be taken advantage of and/or do date around and hence cannot afford to treat multiple women per week.

 

I am just a anonymous poster online who you will mever meet nor am I an expert on dating, clearly.... But this is the experience I have had regarding men who split/ go halves or treat women - And the resulting correlations with their overall behaviour that I have observed.

 

My friends have also found that more generous men tend to prefer to rest the lady - if they can afford to of course.

[SwordofFlame]

Who cares?

 

Well if her dates are taking her to places she can't afford, I think that's totally the guy's fault for suggesting expensive (relatively speaking) places and still expecting her to split the bill. As a guy, I know I wouldn't appreciate it if a woman suggested we go to expense restaurants repeatedly and expected to split the cost every time or worse expect me to pay for it all.

[Leigh 87]

Well if her dates are taking her to places she can't afford, I think that's totally the guy's fault for suggesting expensive (relatively speaking) places and still expecting her to split the bill. As a guy, I know I wouldn't appreciate it if a woman suggested we go to expense restaurants repeatedly and expected to split the cost every time or worse expect me to pay for it all.

 

I would never suggest someplace expensive. That is just downright rude and princess like - to suggest a 5 star restaurant and expect the guy to foot the bill. Even supermodels shouldn't act like this if they have a shred of dignity and respect for men.

 

If the guy suggests a date he should pay.

 

If the guy wants to just relax some weekends and not pay for dates - then it is not awful for a guy to expect a girl to pay if SHE is the one to suggest a date. Although I personally only date men who pay, I would not suggest going out at all - I leave it up to the guy, since he is the one I prefer to pay. I Just enjoy hanging at home if my BF does not suggest going out. He is the one paying so why should I dictate when and where we go out?

 

The WORST case, which I am trying to figure out if it is the OPS case is: guy SUGGESTS expensive place. Does not pay.

 

THAT is just wrong lol and downright pathetic.

[Gr8fuln2020]

My "forever" policy in dating has been to NEVER go on expensive dates until the relationship is locked in and exclusive and even then, only on a special occassion. I haven't met a lady yet that complained about going to a great hole in the wall for some yummy food. I've dated lawyers, doctors and never paid more than 25-40 bucks (for both) for a hearty meal. What most people want is good food and awesome company, conversation.

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm sure you can find plenty of men who are happy to pay for dates. I've never once dated a guy who didn't essentially insist on paying for the lion's share of dating expenses.

 

I'm attracted to strong, masculine men who are natural providers and protectors. Personally, I'm not sexually attracted to soft, feminine men. I can be great friends with them, and I'll happily go dutch and even treat them sometimes. But going dutch on dates with my MAN? Nuh-uh. Doesn't turn me on a bit. I happily bring my feminine energy and actions into play with a manly man. Romantically it feels very natural and good to me.

 

But if you're OK with going Dutch, just go on cheaper dates. There are many ways to get to know someone without spending much. Have a drink then stroll through some art galleries. Take a walk in a natural setting. Go on a picnic. Visit a cool museum. And so on.

[codelock]

Well if her dates are taking her to places she can't afford, I think that's totally the guy's fault for suggesting expensive (relatively speaking) places and still expecting her to split the bill. As a guy, I know I wouldn't appreciate it if a woman suggested we go to expense restaurants repeatedly and expected to split the cost every time or worse expect me to pay for it all.

 

The guys do know what I'm doing for a living. I have a very good job and get paid very well. I don't make as much as a doctor but for my age (28) I probably make more than most people in this time of their lives. I also stay at my own place (without roommates/flatmates) which is a little unusual for Sydneysiders in their 20s so it's possible these guys think I make way more money than I do and can afford anything.

[codelock]

My "forever" policy in dating has been to NEVER go on expensive dates until the relationship is locked in and exclusive and even then, only on a special occassion. I haven't met a lady yet that complained about going to a great hole in the wall for some yummy food. I've dated lawyers, doctors and never paid more than 25-40 bucks (for both) for a hearty meal. What most people want is good food and awesome company, conversation.

 

I need to date more guys like you. I love hole in the wall places as I'm more of a foodie in the sense that I love great food and don't need a romantic atmosphere. I'm just going to keep putting myself out there and suggesting places or even saying, "hey i know this great place we should check out" and see what happens.

[ashy555]

As an Australian, I can say men have usually paid for my dinner or drinks. One guy I dated never offered and that did bother me a little but he was also a student and didn't earn much so i understood. I certainly would never expect them to pay all the time as that is just ridiculous. I always make sure I can afford my half. ALWAYS. If they offer, then bonus but I would never expect them too. If you can't afford it. Just ask them to go somewhere else as you can't really afford it right now. He may then say you won't have to worry or agree to go somewhere else. Quite simple.

 

Btw.. Dating is not just fancy dinners. Don't be afraid to speak up.

 

I remember I went out for dinner with a friend once. I said.. 'You choose the wine as you are great with them'

 

He chose some fancy french $120 bottle and made me pay half. Was not happy in the slightest.

[joseb]

It's very simple really.

When a guy suggests somewhere expensive, you say that you would rather go somewhere better value, as you are on a budget.

At that point, he will either agree to change, or he will suggest he pays (and maybe you get the next one at a place of your choice).