Chatmonkey Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 I have been in a relationship for about 9 months with my girlfriend. Previous to that, I had been out of relationships for about 1.5 years. In her previous relationship before me she was treated very well however there was zero sex life and this caused her to have some insecurities as you can imagine. The guy watched a lot of porn and it caused her to question if she was attractive etc.. So that wasn't much fun for her. Anyway, since we have been together, she recently found out (via myself telling her) that I occasionally masturbate. You can imagine having not been in a relationship for quite some time that I did it somewhat frequently during that time. I had my flings but mostly was alone. This devastated her and she was very upset. She's somewhat over it now, but basically she wanted to ask my to stop masturbating and also to stop watching porn. The porn thing I can do. But in my opinion to stop masturbating is a little too much. In my opinion it is a healthy thing to do, but she has no much negative connotation of it she just hates it. Understandable! I really don't do it much, but when I do now, I feel bad. Like I have cheated. And I feel as this is an unfair feeling I am putting on myself. In short, she basically thinks that if I masturbate she is not good enough and that she should always be all I need forever. Please don't respond with "She is too insecure and controlling, dump her!" she's not, she's just had some negative experiences there. So my question is, Is masturbating while in a relationship bad? As much as im attracted to her, I feel I would burnout on her very quick if she was the only thing i thought about. I really feel as if it is a healthy thing to do. Thanks for reading.
Lois_Griffin Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 I think women who try to control a man's sexuality are deluded fools. Next, she'll be telling you what you can fantasize about what you can't fantasize about. Ridiculous. I can't imagine telling my husband he's 'not allowed to watch porn' like he's my 15 year old teenage kid instead of a grown man capable of making his own choices. Be very careful about allowing a woman to dump her insecurities on you. They're HER problem to fix, not yours. 9
LookAtThisPOst Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 I have been in a relationship for about 9 months with my girlfriend. Previous to that, I had been out of relationships for about 1.5 years. In her previous relationship before me she was treated very well however there was zero sex life and this caused her to have some insecurities as you can imagine. The guy watched a lot of porn and it caused her to question if she was attractive etc.. So that wasn't much fun for her. Anyway, since we have been together, she recently found out (via myself telling her) that I occasionally masturbate. You can imagine having not been in a relationship for quite some time that I did it somewhat frequently during that time. I had my flings but mostly was alone. This devastated her and she was very upset. She's somewhat over it now, but basically she wanted to ask my to stop masturbating and also to stop watching porn. The porn thing I can do. But in my opinion to stop masturbating is a little too much. In my opinion it is a healthy thing to do, but she has no much negative connotation of it she just hates it. Understandable! I really don't do it much, but when I do now, I feel bad. Like I have cheated. And I feel as this is an unfair feeling I am putting on myself. In short, she basically thinks that if I masturbate she is not good enough and that she should always be all I need forever. Please don't respond with "She is too insecure and controlling, dump her!" she's not, she's just had some negative experiences there. So my question is, Is masturbating while in a relationship bad? As much as im attracted to her, I feel I would burnout on her very quick if she was the only thing i thought about. I really feel as if it is a healthy thing to do. Thanks for reading. Wait a min., wait a min., she had a problem with you doing this BEFORE she met you AND while you were girlfriend-less? Time to launch!!
Author Chatmonkey Posted September 8, 2016 Author Posted September 8, 2016 Wait a min., wait a min., she had a problem with you doing this BEFORE she met you AND while you were girlfriend-less? Time to launch!! no no. Sorry must have not explained well. Just while we have been in a relationship
joseb Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 If you are ok with not watching porn then keep not watching it. Personally I've given it up completely, for a variety of reasons (though none related to someone telling me to...) But to expect you to never masturbate? Unless you two are together all the time and doing it several times daily, then that's just not realistic.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 If you are ok with not watching porn then keep not watching it. Personally I've given it up completely, for a variety of reasons (though none related to someone telling me to...) But to expect you to never masturbate? Unless you two are together all the time and doing it several times daily, then that's just not realistic. I agree, and I am a woman. OP, she is insecure and controlling. I know you don't want to hear that, but there's no other way to slice it. You can do your part by reassuring her that you love her and are attracted to her. You can compliment her sincerely and appropriately. But ultimately, it isn't fair of her to hold you hostage for her ex's mistakes. She needs to deal with her insecurities surrounding this, and attempting to your control your behaviour this way won't work, and as joseb points out, isn't realistic. You are allowed to have boundaries too, you know. So to answer your initial question: no, masturbating while in a relationship isn't bad. The problem here is it sounds like you already agreed to her demands. 3
Popsicle Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 I have a problem with porn but not with masturbation. 1
central Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 You shouldn't feel bad about it or let her guilt you. Unless, of course, you are neglecting her sexually in favor of masturbation. However, if she's not available for sex, or not interested when you are, and you are responsive to her, then all is good. In that case, this is her issue, and you should kindly encourage her to understand it and deal with it, and not put blame on you for her perceptual issues.
Gaeta Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 Masturbating while in a relationship is not bad. Watching porn while in a relationship is not bad. It all becomes a problem when you over-do it so much it affects your sex life together and it's not the case here. I think your girlfriend is very inexperienced and lacks general sexual knowledge. Somehow she was brought up to think all those things are bad and dirty. I have my doubts it's her last boyfriend that was the cause. Ever thought he was just a regular guy and she guilt tripped him as well? My suggestion to you is you both compromise. You accept to not watch porn (you don't care about it anyway) and that is it. Tell her the no masturbating is controlling and you won't obey it. She can take it or leave it. How would she feel if you told her she cannot scratch her nose when it itches? Same darn thing. 6
Rockdad Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 If you agree to jump through her hoops on this then I guess your all good having a girlfriend 100% in charge of the entire sex life together. Because that's what is going to happen.
sc0316 Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 I don't think your girlfriend is necessarily controlling; she's more likely young, inexperienced, and ignorant (sorry!). Perhaps you can point her to some studies in that topic. 1
Gaeta Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 If you agree to jump through her hoops on this then I guess your all good having a girlfriend 100% in charge of the entire sex life together. Because that's what is going to happen. Not only their sex life. Soon she will have fits because he saw a nipple while watching a movie. She'll start comparing herself to movie stars and be jealous if he smiles at the sight of Scarlett Johansson. He won't be able to enjoy an outing without her accusing him of eying women. It's just the beginning. 1
jen1447 Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 It's not bad. (I think I'd about die if I couldn't masturbate, doesn't really matter what else is going on.) The issue here is her insecurity, not you engaging in what's generally considered a healthy behavior. I'd focus on fixing that - reassurance, education, 'tough love,' etc. 1
katiegrl Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 Oh good lord, sounds worse than being locked up in prison! I agree with jen, in the meantime, continue masturbating, and keep it to yourself. This is one of those "lies of omission" that I think is okay. I have no problem with porn either (my bf (ex) and I would often watch it together) .... but I wouldn't keep that from her as it's a bigger issue than simply masturbating with is perfectly fine, acceptable and even healthy!
SammySammy Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 "It's your thing, do what you wanna do ...."
SammySammy Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 Oh good lord, sounds worse than being locked up in prison! I agree with jen, in the meantime, continue masturbating, and keep it to yourself. This is one of those "lies of omission" that I think is okay. I have no problem with porn either (my bf (ex) and I would often watch it together) .... but I wouldn't keep that from her as it's a bigger issue than simply masturbating with is perfectly fine, acceptable and even healthy! I don't think the should hide it at all. He should openly watch porn when he wants. He should openly masturbate when he wants. She would have to deal with it the best way she can. This is ridiculous. 2
smackie9 Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 it's healthy and normal. Never ever feel masturbation is wrong, dirty or selfish. Everyone needs their "Me" time to relieve stress, release or fantasize. If your partner has an issue with, go find another partner. 1
katiegrl Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 (edited) I don't think the should hide it at all. He should openly watch porn when he wants. He should openly masturbate when he wants. She would have to deal with it the best way she can. This is ridiculous. What, right in front of her? No one does that anyway! Well some couples do, but in most cases, people masturbate in private. I never told my bfs when I did and they never told me. Yes she needs to deal with it, I already agreed wih jen about that .... but that may take time, so in the meantime, he masturbates in private and keeps it to himself. There is no reason why he has to announce it to her. Once she gains a better understanding of her own sexuality and sex in general, in addition to becoming more secure, she should overcome this utterly backwards and antiquated way of thinking. Edited September 8, 2016 by katiegrl
smackie9 Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 I don't think the should hide it at all. He should openly watch porn when he wants. He should openly masturbate when he wants. She would have to deal with it the best way she can. This is ridiculous. I agree. Why should she govern him on where and when he can enjoy such a natural pleasure. I think it's just awful. I'm sorry OP but, your GF needs to grow up......she isn't mature enough to be in a proper adult relationship. Don't be hiding anything...you shouldn't have to, it's your body, you do whatever you want with it. 3
katiegrl Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 I agree. Why should she govern him on where and when he can enjoy such a natural pleasure. I think it's just awful. I'm sorry OP but, your GF needs to grow up......she isn't mature enough to be in a proper adult relationship. Don't be hiding anything...you shouldn't have to, it's your body, you do whatever you want with it. Ok I think I get what you are saying. Not masturbate in front of her but strongly say "You cannot dictate to me what I can and cannot do, I enjoy masturbating and will continue.. you need to take steps to accept that or we're done." Something like that?
joseb Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 OP, is your sex life OK? I ask because her last boyfriend didnt have sex with her at all and masturbated instead (according to her anyway). Is that what she is afraid of? No sex cause you are 'empty' ?
Miss Peach Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 Both BF and I both masturbate and watch porn. We already have a very active sex life. I'm good with it as long as it doesn't impact our time together. I do understand what your GF went through. I had an ex who slept with me and then just stopped. And then he suggested plastic surgery. It made me feel very unattractive and it push on some of my insecurities since it was my first guy post baby and divorce. The reality is I'm still very attractive and have no problems finding lots of men who want me. I do agree with the others that this is her insecurity she needs to deal with. You can compromise for the relationship but if she expects you to cease everything I would call that controlling. You may need to be willing to put up the boundary by saying 'I'm willing to give up porn but not masturbation. But I promise I won't do it in lieu of having sex with you'. If she can't compromise or deal with it you need to decide where you want to draw the line in the sand. 3
Ami1uwant Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 I'd be concerned.... She would have valid concerns if she is seeing you masterbate but you two aren't having sex. That doesn't seem to be the case. It seems to be more based on her past and her ex bf so she equate masterbate on and porn to no sex.
Michelle ma Belle Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 Listen, we ALL have some baggage we carry with us into new relationships. Your girlfriend has insecurities that were planted by her ex and his porn usage which affected their sex life. Who wouldn't have some fears or concerns about that moving forward? I did. BUT... Those issues are HER issues, not yours. It's HER responsibility to understand that not every man is like her ex and that includes YOU. To paint you with the same brush isn't fair to you or your relationship. That my friend is INSECURITY. Sorry but there is no sugar coating it. And until SHE works through HER own issues and insecurities and realizes that you're not her ex and that porn and/or masturbating may not have the same end result as in her last relationship, you will never be happy together. If it's not this issue, it will be another issue and on and on you go jumping through hoops to try and please someone who can not be pleased. Eventually YOU will burn out and grow to resent her. The issue isn't about you stopping porn or masturbating but rather her past experiences, HER baggage. Trying to control another person to make oneself feel better or safe or secure is not only futile but immature. Respecting her past and her experiences is one thing and working together to try and figure out how to navigate her insecurities together but for her to just flat out say DON'T with anything and everything that triggers her is not realistic. She needs to work through her own issues separately from you if there is a shot of a normal happy and drama-free existence together. Otherwise prepare yourself. 6
Recommended Posts