Did my boyfriend just say he wants me to lose weight?

September 9, 2016

For me if BF had responded with how beautiful I was, I'd know he's lying because I'd be thinking, I look exhausted. I'd much rather get the response that OP's BF gave her. It means more.

That's a personal preference. I get my guy or people at work, friends, complimenting me at times when I feel unatractive. To myself I think ew really? But I accept that to others beauty comes in different forms that doesn't necessarily coincide with my vision. You accept it and trust that to them you look beautiful despite how you are feeling.

So I strongly disagree, if he complimented me when I'm having a down day I'd think it's a lie. Again, you can generally tell when someone blows smoke up your behind vs when they are sincere.

In my experience, when a man responds with everything but the topic at hand that's his way of saying "no comment" We all know what that means.

At 4 months someone telling you they want to spend the rest of their life with you it smells more of BS, than a physical compliment on a down day. Talk to me in a year from now and then we're onto something good.

Edited September 9, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

September 9, 2016

Last night I was feeling emotional (why yes, I am PMSing and yes I may have cried a little) and I shared with my boyfriend of 4 months that I'm worried he's not attracted to me because I feel like he's "out of my league" in the looks department. He is extremely fit and I'm average. I'm the same weight I was when we started dating, but I've been trying to lose weight with no success. I used to also be pretty fit but now I have a stressful job (social worker), I'm in grad school, and I'm broke, so it's very difficult to keep a healthy lifestyle.

Anyway, his response was to go on about how much he loves me, sees a future with me, thinks I'm kind and smart and blah blah blah. What he did NOT say was anything about thinking I'm pretty, sexy, physically attractive, etc. Then he said, "And I support whatever choices you want to make."

=| Oh.

Now, despite all the truly wonderful things he said, I'm feeling hurt. Did he just basically say he wants me to lose weight? Or am I just being over sensitive?

He told you what he wanted from you he wants you too look like him and be fit and trim. If you can't handle this then he isn't the man for you. This is your choice not his. You can be who you are and what to be. No one and I mean no one can tell you to loose weight or be something your not. If he really loves you "I LOVE YOU" type not just Love you. Then he should except you as who are you are inside and not outside. Looks doesn't play a role here in love.

Seriously consider what he has ask you to do for him. Is this what you really want to do if so then your have answered you own question, if not then we all here will tell you what best to do in this situation. I with you the best!

September 9, 2016

But see, here the OP assumed it is her weight? Why? He never said 'weight' in their conversation.

He may not like her body type, face, style of clothing, hair.. And still love her for the reasons that he listed. Or he's just not visual? (i'm like this - takes me ages to even remember how people look, so barely base attraction on appearance).

But no, she immediately assumed it is the damned weight. I don't see any logical link.

I'm gonna go against the advice most people are giving here and say that you do have a reason to feel insecure here. I think that if he really did find you attractive, he would have said so. He seemed to compliment you about everything under the sun, but never said one thing about you being sexy, beautiful, or anything like that. I believe that is very telling. I think he told you why he is with you, and what he liked about you, and your looks ain't it. So, yeah, I can understand why you feel insecure here.

A lot of women have moments of insecurity. A girl I was dating was upset about her appearance one day, said as much to me, and I didn't tell her she was nice, or thoughtful, or caring, I told her she was absolutely gorgeous and that u found her irresistible.

September 9, 2016

Last night I was feeling emotional (why yes, I am PMSing and yes I may have cried a little) and I shared with my boyfriend of 4 months that I'm worried he's not attracted to me because I feel like he's "out of my league" in the looks department. He is extremely fit and I'm average. I'm the same weight I was when we started dating, but I've been trying to lose weight with no success. I used to also be pretty fit but now I have a stressful job (social worker), I'm in grad school, and I'm broke, so it's very difficult to keep a healthy lifestyle.

Anyway, his response was to go on about how much he loves me, sees a future with me, thinks I'm kind and smart and blah blah blah. What he did NOT say was anything about thinking I'm pretty, sexy, physically attractive, etc. Then he said, "And I support whatever choices you want to make."

=| Oh.

Now, despite all the truly wonderful things he said, I'm feeling hurt. Did he just basically say he wants me to lose weight? Or am I just being over sensitive?

I wouldn't have interpreted that way. I would have felt warm and fuzzy after what he said!

September 9, 2016

Every person, man and woman, young and old, has moments of insecurity.

Did I read in OP that he said he wanted to spend his life with her? Did we all miss that part? How, seriously how, could anything other than positive intentions be interpreted from saying I want to spend my life with you. And it's only been 4 months!

Men hate the "am I fat" conversation. That is never a conversation they can win.
Her BF was doing everything he possibly could to be supportive and he did really well. He was thinking, I need to acknowledge her feelings, reassure her that I love her, be supportive of whatever she wants to do. For him finding the right things to say was like walking through a mine field. He did well.

Here is OP, feeling run down and exhausted because she's working full time in an already stressful and demanding job, AND going to grad school, finances are stretched thin. She shouldn't be hard on herself about any of this at this point, because just to handle that much is more than many people could do. But being a female she stops to think- oh no, I'm not looking my most gorgeous lately, because we always have to look our best. And she felt down about it. That's all.

For me if BF had responded with how beautiful I was, I'd know he's lying because I'd be thinking, I look exhausted. I'd much rather get the response that OP's BF gave her. It means more. OP you have a keeper

Okay and about all THIS. I doubt she came here for fitness or dieting advice. She's an intelligent person, she knows all the basics about eating healthy and exercise. Someone said to join Jenny Craig and must have missed the part where she works full time, is a grad student struggling to make ends meet financially (therefore doesn't have money for Jenny Craig) and doesn't have the time to join Jenny Craig.

Maybe it's because I was not long ago in the exact same boat, and I remember also feeling hard on myself about gaining 10bs in grad school. I've never, ever known a man to even notice let alone care when he gains 10 lbs. All of your clothes still fit because you wear T-shirts and pants that aren't hugging your every curve. Ironically, I look at pictures of myself from grad school and now have no idea why I was so hard on myself at the time. It's a very stressful time and possibly we just find more ways to compile the stress.

I didn't even bother trying to have a relationship in grad school because I had no time for dating. The few guys who did try to date me always got frustrated because, they'd ask me out, and I'd say- sure I'll probably have a night free next month.

The stress of living on student loans- that barely cover your rent let alone living expenses. OP I completely understand where you're at. If anything, all of this stress is what's causing you not to lose weight. Stress is a killer in so many ways.

Thank you for all of this, really truly. What gets to me about the fitness advice is that I mentioned I used to be really pretty fit and lean! I KNOW HOW TO BE HEALTHY. And I AM healthy. But I used to spend 6 hours a week at the gym, so I'm missing my lean body, and knowing that my BF does have time for that (like when I'm at class). It's just so ridiculous people think my problem is I need to go for a walk. Like... How much do they think "average" weighs? 300lbs? People are totally projecting fat hate onto me. Especially with the assumption that if I'm not satisfied with how I look then OF COURSE my boyfriend isn't satisfied either. I didn't think any of this needed to be explained because it's not the point at all, but good gravy it got on my nerves. And then the offense when I pointed out it was off topic!

But yes thank you for understanding.

September 9, 2016

I think one possibility is that your bf agreed that you're somewhat overweight in the objective sense. But obviously it didn't bother him, or else he wouldn't be with you. So instead of lying and faking some compliments, he brought up other qualities of yours that he appreciated.

Edited September 9, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

September 9, 2016

OP, I asked a question a couple pages back but perhaps it got buried in the other responses or maybe I missed your answer.

But I'll ask again, for the sake of clarity: how did this topic arise that night? I'm trying to identify what your trigger was, because then you can probably figure out how to better manage these feelings when triggered in the future.

September 9, 2016

[]

So everyone knows, I am according to my doctor, healthy. I will not make any more comments about my weight or health because it is off topic and a distraction. []

Edited September 9, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content

September 9, 2016

I do think it was weird that, in the face of statements by you that go directly to attractiveness/attraction, he went for non-physical qualities. But then, he may honestly not care about looks/hard bodies (in others) that much. You say you have not gained weight during the relationship, after all.

In any event, I don't take his "I'll support your choices" as a hidden message to lose weight. That's reading far too much into it.

September 9, 2016

[]

How is your sex life with him? If there are issues there - yes, maybe he thinks your looks are unappealing. Otherwise I think it is just blowing hot air for super kind and innocent comment of him.

Edited September 9, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content

September 9, 2016

Yes and no.

Sometimes a person/woman just needs to be reminded that he finds her sexy, hot, beautiful if he still feels that. Regardless of what is going on with her weight. The fact "you are together" isn't enough to signify you still find each other attractive, it's nice to hear if it is sincere and heartfelt.

At 4 months, at 8 months, and at 10 years.

I love to compliment men when I feel it and it doesn't stop if he changes a bit over the years.

I used to catch my ex, for example, frowning at his hair in the mirror and complaining at how much grey he was getting and I could see in his face that it really bothered him. I didn't brush it off and make a comment about how he was older and wiser, I addressed his insecurity head on. I'd usually grab his butt and plant a big one on his lips and tell him "but you still look hotter than any 20 something year old" and I meant it. He was very hot to me regardless of how he changed.

The advice has been appropriate.

1. People have told her to focus on the positives.....not what he omitted (any mention of her weight).

2. SHE chose to focus on her weight! Look at the title of the thread!

3. SOOOOOO....we gave her advice regarding her perception and weight.

The very essence of the thread is in regards to HER perception of how her bf feels about her WEIGHT. She became defensive regarding a subject SHE brought to our attention and chose to focus on....again the title of the thread.

Is there more we are to extrapolate from this thread other than what we've discussed??? I can clearly see that she "likes" the comments that are molded to her perspective, so she is wanting affirmation that fits her perception and makes her feel most happy inside.

Oh, well....part of the morale of this story is you need to LIE b/c some people don't want to hear the truth or don't want to hear the truth about something that they don't want to admit may be an issue.....

September 9, 2016

[]

How is your sex life with him? If there are issues there - yes, maybe he thinks your looks are unappealing. Otherwise I think it is just blowing hot air for super kind and innocent comment of him.

I'm wondering the same. How is the passion in bed? If it's strong, he is obviously attracted to you at your current weight.

September 9, 2016

OP, I asked a question a couple pages back but perhaps it got buried in the other responses or maybe I missed your answer.

But I'll ask again, for the sake of clarity: how did this topic arise that night? I'm trying to identify what your trigger was, because then you can probably figure out how to better manage these feelings when triggered in the future.

Yes, it did get buried. Thank you for asking. I was feeling the PMS bloat, plus edgy from being overtired (although sometimes I don't recognize that feeling until my emotions get the better of me), and he wanted a quickie because it was late. I wanted to, but found it hard to relax enough to get in the mood, mostly because I was feeling very unsexy. He gave up and we just sat in awkward silence. I let him know it wasn't him, it was me and how I felt. And then I told him how I felt. Which was unsexy and insecure.

Update

I'm still going back and forth about what to think. He may have purposely avoided addressing the source of my feelings, as some suggested, because I know he would not say something he doesn't at least think he means. But it's also possible he didn't understand what I needed, because although he is very intelligent, communication is not his strong suit. Also this is his first real relationship so... He's learning things.

I tried to talk to him about it again last night more directly because I decided this is really a relationship need of mine and he should know about it. So I apologized for the previous night and took the advice of an earlier poster.

Me: For some reason I'm just PMSing really bad this month. And sometimes when I'm PMSing or feeling crappy about myself, I just need to hear you say you're still attracted to me.

Him: Awwwe. Ok. I can do that.

Me:

Him:

Cricket: chirp

Me:

Him: I don't know if it's related, but like sometimes I'm talking to a girl I'm attracted to and I feel like flirting with her, but then I think about how much I love you and not her.

Me: Huh.

Him:

Me: Well. I mean I don't expect you to suddenly not be attracted to women, but I guess I want to be one of the girls you feel like flirting with?

Him:

Me:

Him:

-Later-

Me, getting frustrated: Like... I just need to hear you say... Idk... I don't gross you out or anything.

Him: Awe, you don't gross me out!

Me:

Him: I think you're beautiful.

I really don't know why he seemed to have so much trouble saying it. I practically told him word for word what I needed to hear. But now that I'm thinking about it, that may have been the first time he's said that to me. And I still don't know what to think.

September 9, 2016

Yes, it did get buried. Thank you for asking. I was feeling the PMS bloat, plus edgy from being overtired (although sometimes I don't recognize that feeling until my emotions get the better of me), and he wanted a quickie because it was late. I wanted to, but found it hard to relax enough to get in the mood, mostly because I was feeling very unsexy. He gave up and we just sat in awkward silence. I let him know it wasn't him, it was me and how I felt. And then I told him how I felt. Which was unsexy and insecure.

Update
I'm still going back and forth about what to think. He may have purposely avoided addressing the source of my feelings, as some suggested, because I know he would not say something he doesn't at least think he means. But it's also possible he didn't understand what I needed, because although he is very intelligent, communication is not his strong suit. Also this is his first real relationship so... He's learning things.

I tried to talk to him about it again last night more directly because I decided this is really a relationship need of mine and he should know about it. So I apologized for the previous night and took the advice of an earlier poster.

Me: For some reason I'm just PMSing really bad this month. And sometimes when I'm PMSing or feeling crappy about myself, I just need to hear you say you're still attracted to me.
Him: Awwwe. Ok. I can do that.
Me:
Him:
Cricket: chirp
Me:
Him: I don't know if it's related, but like sometimes I'm talking to a girl I'm attracted to and I feel like flirting with her, but then I think about how much I love you and not her.
Me: Huh.
Him:
Me: Well. I mean I don't expect you to suddenly not be attracted to women, but I guess I want to be one of the girls you feel like flirting with?
Him:
Me:
Him:
-Later-
Me, getting frustrated: Like... I just need to hear you say... Idk... I don't gross you out or anything.
Him: Awe, you don't gross me out!
Me:
Him: I think you're beautiful.

I really don't know why he seemed to have so much trouble saying it. I practically told him word for word what I needed to hear. But now that I'm thinking about it, that may have been the first time he's said that to me. And I still don't know what to think.

Trying not to slam the guy but omg the bolded!

Are you freaking kidding me?

His emotional awareness/iq seems dreadful.

September 9, 2016

Blah you basically begged him to compliment you Does it feel better now that you forced him to say it?

Idk... I think it will be good to talk to someone for the source cause of your insecurities... You can always break up with him, but you'd run into the same issue with the next man. Is it just your love language (words of affirmation) or it stems deeper? I think you'd feel so much free if you work on that issue.

September 9, 2016

I have been following this thread but haven't posted till now.

Nearly every poster has been dead on...you are coming across needy and I must say, as a woman, very confusing.

Your self esteem is definitely at play here, you are feeling like cr*p for whatever *reason* and getting into fishing expeditions with your perplexed bf. Stop that.

When you are feeling this way, stay at your own place and you know better, social worker....handle yourself.

Four months is not a long investment for either of you so calm down and address your issues.

I'm in your corner curvylady but I'm feeling scared. Ease up.

September 9, 2016

I'm wondering the same. How is the passion in bed? If it's strong, he is obviously attracted to you at your current weight.

I guess it's hard to tell because he's inexperienced. He says he overthinks what he's doing so it doesn't often feel natural. He likes it when I tell him what to do, but I don't always like that... Then because I spend so much time working or studying it will be pretty late at night and he'll want it quick. Which is better than nothing but never very good for me, and he knows that. I told him we need more quiet time together instead of doing more active stuff.

It adds to my fear because I wonder why it just doesn't come more naturally to him.

September 9, 2016

Yes, it did get buried. Thank you for asking. I was feeling the PMS bloat, plus edgy from being overtired (although sometimes I don't recognize that feeling until my emotions get the better of me), and he wanted a quickie because it was late. I wanted to, but found it hard to relax enough to get in the mood, mostly because I was feeling very unsexy. He gave up and we just sat in awkward silence. I let him know it wasn't him, it was me and how I felt. And then I told him how I felt. Which was unsexy and insecure.

Update
I'm still going back and forth about what to think. He may have purposely avoided addressing the source of my feelings, as some suggested, because I know he would not say something he doesn't at least think he means. But it's also possible he didn't understand what I needed, because although he is very intelligent, communication is not his strong suit. Also this is his first real relationship so... He's learning things.

I tried to talk to him about it again last night more directly because I decided this is really a relationship need of mine and he should know about it. So I apologized for the previous night and took the advice of an earlier poster.

Me: For some reason I'm just PMSing really bad this month. And sometimes when I'm PMSing or feeling crappy about myself, I just need to hear you say you're still attracted to me.
Him: Awwwe. Ok. I can do that.
Me:
Him:
Cricket: chirp
Me:
Him: I don't know if it's related, but like sometimes I'm talking to a girl I'm attracted to and I feel like flirting with her, but then I think about how much I love you and not her.
Me: Huh.
Him:
Me: Well. I mean I don't expect you to suddenly not be attracted to women, but I guess I want to be one of the girls you feel like flirting with?
Him:
Me:
Him:
-Later-
Me, getting frustrated: Like... I just need to hear you say... Idk... I don't gross you out or anything.
Him: Awe, you don't gross me out!
Me:
Him: I think you're beautiful.

I really don't know why he seemed to have so much trouble saying it. I practically told him word for word what I needed to hear. But now that I'm thinking about it, that may have been the first time he's said that to me. And I still don't know what to think.

Oh dear. This was a completely bone-headed thing for him to say.

I think he's awkwardly trying to say that while he does find other women attractive, his love for you trumps that. His choice of words was poor, but I don't think he actually means harm. It sounds like he wants you to know that he is loyal. And he had a rookie way of delivering the message.

All you can really do is see if he backs up those words with actions, and resists the temptation to flirt with other girls.

September 9, 2016

I lean towards him lacking emotional intelligence and not completely understanding how you feel. When you tell him that sometimes you feel bad about yourself and need to hear him say he's attracted to you, he doesn't connect the dots that you mean you need to hear that RIGHT NOW. He figures it's just something you're telling him in general, hence his "yeah sure, can do" attitude.

The flirting comment was dumb. As a man who has made plenty of dumb comments that had the best intentions, I can't be too critical of the guy.

September 9, 2016

Wow curvylady, your guy is just a comedy of errors! I'm sorry to read your last post.

He's either that far out to lunch or I rest my case and point I've been making all along. When men avoid a topic, that's a clear sign they don't want to discuss it because you won't like the honesty.

I feel like again, he's telling you "other women really turn me on but I love you" Gee thanks for that. It's all better now.

September 9, 2016

I guess it's hard to tell because he's inexperienced. He says he overthinks what he's doing so it doesn't often feel natural. He likes it when I tell him what to do, but I don't always like that... Then because I spend so much time working or studying it will be pretty late at night and he'll want it quick. Which is better than nothing but never very good for me, and he knows that. I told him we need more quiet time together instead of doing more active stuff.

It adds to my fear because I wonder why it just doesn't come more naturally to him.

If he's inexperienced, is it safe to assume that masturbation has been the bulk of his sexual satisfaction in his adult life? That may explain his preference for masturbation.

It may simply be that his ideal would be a partner for affection and companionship and masturbation for sexual release. This may have nothing to do with you.

His weird comments about other women are concerning....

September 9, 2016

Since this thread has been causing moderation quite a bit of trouble, thread closed. ~6

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