Did my boyfriend just say he wants me to lose weight?

[Miss Peach]

If you are the same weight as when you got together he must of found you attractive. Men usually don't hang out and develop a relationship if they aren't attracted to a woman. If he is initiating sex with you, had his hands all over you, etc. this is even great evidence he's lusting after you and you are attractive to him.

 

This is the type of thing I would give your BF the benefit of the doubt. It seems like he was trying to make you feel better and let you know his intentions towards you. Even though he didn't say what you wanted to hear he really seemed to be trying.

 

The thing I've noticed with men is they all have their flavors they like. I work in a male dominated industry and my male coworkers don't hide this from me anymore. I know what types of women they all go after. They are all different types. Some like skinny, some like petite, some like curvy, etc. There's a lid for every pot.

 

Lastly, I would work on your self esteem. IME insecurity is something that's more likely to push your BF away than your weight - especially since your weight is the same.

[Lansing]

I agree with the others. It sounds like your boyfriend is great. I was dating a girl who I felt was constantly fishing for compliments and it started to feel like she just wanted someone to adore her vs. actually be in a relationship. As others said, I wonder what would be the perfect answer for him to give you? His answer seemed pretty good to me.

 

If you really do love your BF (and you aren't trying to figure out a way to get out of this relationship) then I would say you do need to work on being more secure in your own body and do things to get in shape not to necessarily lose weight but just to be healthier. I let things stagnant myself for a few years and it just hit me the other week and I am already on a path to get back into shape/healthier.

[Lorenza]

If you tell a guy you aren't attractive he will sooner or later believe you.

 

Repeatedly point out your flaws he didn't care about until he does.

 

Make him responsible for making you love yourself until he doesn't love you either.

 

Expect him to know what to say and get upset when he doesn't until he'd rather say nothing.

 

And you've got a perfect recipe for sabotaging any relationship. Enjoy.

[SwordofFlame]

It seems the OP feels like there's a reacher and settler in this relationship and she believes she is the reacher. The reacher is usually insecure because she knows the settler can do better than her. Perhaps you need to stop believing that you are the reacher?

[Mystique01]

Ok from the start I need to redirect you. The issue is not my weight. The issue is, I am feeling unattractive. To break it down:

 

- I expressed insecurity to boyfriend.

- I did not get reassurance from said boyfriend.

- My feelings of insecurity intensified.

- It is hurtful to myself and above relationship.

- Basically I want someone to tell me it's not a big deal and to calm tf down.

 

 

 

Actually, I would say that the problem isn't that your boyfriend didn't reassure you..... Your boyfriend DID try to reassure you. The PROBLEM though is that you didn't take his reassurance for what it was, because in your mind, "reassurance" to you means he had to say: "You're sexy, you're beautiful, you're hot, you don't need to lose any weight".

 

It's what you interpreted his words to mean, not what he said in itself.

 

 

I think you need to change your mindset FIRST... and THEN after all of that, you can work on losing weight if that's what you indeed feel that you need to do.

[curvylady12]

When you say you are trying to lose weight but with no success; can I ask what method are you using? Maybe it isn't the best method for you.

 

No. You may not. Because it's off topic and frankly if I wanted fitness advice I would have asked for fitness advice. []

Edited September 8, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[William]

Folks, let's work the relationship issue, as outlined here:

Now, despite all the truly wonderful things he said, I'm feeling hurt. Did he just basically say he wants me to lose weight? Or am I just being over sensitive?

 

Focus on the relationship, and of course in a manner consistent with LoveShack.org's guidelines of interaction. Thanks in advance for your cooperation!

[Gr8fuln2020]

You seem like a reasonable person. But you need to listen to more women about what our experiences in the world are like instead of assuming everything is the same across the board. So good luck to you as well.

 

I disagree. I am quite aware of the mixed, more often, idealistic messages women and girls get regarding weight, outward appearance. I have a daughter at the age of 8 is already concerned about her hair, looks. Ugh. I reinforce to her that she is beautiful, but not because every hair is in place.

 

Another thing. I did not assume that it was the same across the board. I was certainly making a generalization to an issue that is more often than not a touchy one. As your response reflects.

 

You want an honest relationship, then demand it. If you don't want an honest answer to a question then don't ask them expecting a facsimile of the truth or a lie.

[Zahara]

Last night I was feeling emotional (why yes, I am PMSing and yes I may have cried a little) and I shared with my boyfriend of 4 months that I'm worried he's not attracted to me because I feel like he's "out of my league" in the looks department.

 

Confidence is attractive. It outshines. Crying and exhibiting this kind of insecurity is going to be a turn off. This isn't about his response, because no matter what his response, it would not have been good enough for you because YOU OWN this insecurity. Not him. Nothing in his response resonated towards you losing weight. You're so paranoid in your own insecurities that you probably translate every response as a negative response.

 

Anyway, his response was to go on about how much he loves me, sees a future with me, thinks I'm kind and smart and blah blah blah. What he did NOT say was anything about thinking I'm pretty, sexy, physically attractive, etc. Then he said, "And I support whatever choices you want to make."

 

Validate yourself. You want him to say you're pretty, sexy, etc. but you don't even believe that about yourself. It starts with you and if he can smell your insecurity, unfortunately he's going to soon see what you see.

[Blanco]

I think you put your boyfriend in a no-win situation. I can speak from personal experience that continuing to do so is an excellent way to eventually make him your ex-boyfriend, because such behavior is both unfair and draining to the other person.

[h0000]

No. You may not. Because it's off topic and frankly if I wanted fitness advice I would have asked for fitness advice. []

 

Problem is OP, that YOU don't find yourself sexy. It's not your BF who makes you feel unattractive, it's yourself who is not happy with your body. No one can change that but yourself.

So you can't find a solution from your BF. Even if he said you are sexy, you are not going to magically look different in the mirror. You still won't like what you see in the mirror,you still won't be happy

You need to find a solution from yourself . Either embrace your weight or lose them. Telling us how hard it is to lose weight is pointless. You are doing it for yourself not us.

And the end of the day, if you are not happy with yourself , no one else can make you

[thecrucible]

You could join a gym and go to some fitness classes. I always find those environments quite supportive as there are women there with the same goals. I've regained some weight I've lost but when I did lose 3 stone, it boosted my confidence quite a bit. But I can say having regained the weight that it didn't completely improve a lack of confidence in myself I sometimes suffer from. There might be more to work from than just regaining weight. Are you on any contraception that might affect your moods? You're putting yourself under a lot of pressure but you shouldn't be too hard on yourself when you are clearly working hard. You could ask if he could help by doing some healthy activities together (if there's time in your busy schedule) like going on walks together or trying out new healthy recipes. I think others are right and you shouldn't read anything negative into the words he used.

[kendahke]

If he told you all the things you say you wanted him to tell you, you'd tell him he was lying because you don't believe those things to be true about yourself. He stood in his truth as he saw it and it wasn't good enough because it wasn't dovetailing with your agenda.

 

So he can't win either way he goes because this was a trick to feed your PMS and low sense of self worth. Those are you issues here and they are your heavy lift, not his.

 

If you want change, be the change. And treat honestly with him and respectfully with those whose advice you came to get. It wasn't the other way around.

Edited September 8, 2016 by kendahke

[stillafool]

Did he just basically say he wants me to lose weight? Or am I just being over sensitive?

No he wasn't saying that he wants you to lose weight however he never said he loves the way you look or said "of course you are in my league, I just want to be in yours" or something like that to reassure you that he finds you attractive.

 

No. You may not. Because it's off topic and frankly if I wanted fitness advice I would have asked for fitness advice. []

 

Sorry about this, I was only trying to understand and help.

[AMJ]

Anyway, his response was to go on about how much he loves me, sees a future with me, thinks I'm kind and smart and blah blah blah. What he did NOT say was anything about thinking I'm pretty, sexy, physically attractive, etc. Then he said, "And I support whatever choices you want to make."

 

=| Oh.

 

Now, despite all the truly wonderful things he said, I'm feeling hurt. Did he just basically say he wants me to lose weight? Or am I just being over sensitive?

 

Well you just got blasted for this one. What that means is that this subject makes everyone uncomfortable and irritated..interesting.

 

Social workers are classic for taking on the world and everyone else's problems and taking care of their own needs last- which is why you are feeling the way you're feeling.

 

Your BF responded perfectly, actually. He told you that he values you and doesn't want to go anywhere. You are being a bit oversensitive but we all can be like that at times. I get it

 

Just don't bring that up again.

 

I'm getting a lot of this men who don't like to compliment us anymore. And it's really weird because telling us we're beautiful is basically the simplest way to turn that frown upside down. I've been on dates lately where I get more compliments about my appearance from complete strangers than the guy I'm with! I won't go so far as to say that telling us we're beautiful will ALWAYS work out well (for example if we're in the middle of an argument and you try to sweet talk your way out of it) but in most circumstances, the majority of women- actually men too- like to be told they are attractive. I think that's human nature.

 

In the future just remember if you ever feel the need to question his attraction to you- just stop it. He wouldn't be dating you in the first place if he wasn't attracted to you. It's that simple.

[curvylady12]

Well you just got blasted for this one. What that means is that this subject makes everyone uncomfortable and irritated..interesting.

 

Social workers are classic for taking on the world and everyone else's problems and taking care of their own needs last- which is why you are feeling the way you're feeling.

 

Your BF responded perfectly, actually. He told you that he values you and doesn't want to go anywhere. You are being a bit oversensitive but we all can be like that at times. I get it

 

Just don't bring that up again.

 

I'm getting a lot of this men who don't like to compliment us anymore. And it's really weird because telling us we're beautiful is basically the simplest way to turn that frown upside down. I've been on dates lately where I get more compliments about my appearance from complete strangers than the guy I'm with! I won't go so far as to say that telling us we're beautiful will ALWAYS work out well (for example if we're in the middle of an argument and you try to sweet talk your way out of it) but in most circumstances, the majority of women- actually men too- like to be told they are attractive. I think that's human nature.

 

In the future just remember if you ever feel the need to question his attraction to you- just stop it. He wouldn't be dating you in the first place if he wasn't attracted to you. It's that simple.

 

Oh god thank you. I didn't even realize how completely exhausted when I posted this, in addition to PMSing hard. Even when I wrote it I knew he was being amazing and I was being crazy, but for some reason I thought hearing it from an objective (ha) 3rd party would make me feel better. God I'm so dumb for thinking the Internet would *not* focus on telling me how terrible I am for not being as thin as I used to or for being insecure about it.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Unless your boyfriend is a bit of a numb nut/space cadet and misses the mark often, meaning he really doesn't know how to pay a compliment when it comes to your physical appearance or needs things explained to him often, I would say he strategically avoided telling you what you needed to hear in that moment.

 

Instead, what he did was pump you with lots of great compliments about everything else that is great about you so that he wouldn't have to talk you out of what you were feeling.

 

It's no different than your man coming home from work and sharing with you some hardships that he is experiencing in his new role due to his lack of comprehension and feeling like he may have accepted a position that was way over his head and you saying to him "well honey but you are so good looking and fit and so charming with everyone I am sure they still love you at work"

 

Uhmm yeah that may be really sweet to say but truly doesn't address the fact he is confiding in you his vulnerability that he feels very stupid at work.

 

The question is what exactly is HE doing that is having you feel like he may not be attracted to you anymore? Therein in lies the answer.

 

If you can't come up with anything, it is all in your head unfortunately.

[Versacehottie]

You seem like a reasonable person. But you need to listen to more women about what our experiences in the world are like instead of assuming everything is the same across the board. So good luck to you as well.

 

OP, I'm going to be 100% honest here. I think you twisted the meaning of your bf's words and coloured it with your own insecurity. Now I think when you are getting the opinions and advice of some, like simpleft's post, you are just wanting to continue an argument/discussion that you probably should be having with your bf. That's what your subsequent posts sounds like. Like you are venting your frustrations and fears and insecurities and anger about your situation and any slight you felt from your bf.

 

No one is going solve the world's injustice, minor or major, during the course of your thread If you want advice to solve your specific problem, you are getting it. Some of it will come in the form of stuff you may not want to hear or from a variety of perspectives. It is a fact that most bf's do care on some level what their gf's look like. That said, from the way you responded to the posts and even between the lines in your initial one, I would say you are being hypersensitive and insecure. My guess is your bf told you the important reasons he is with you. Obviously he already likes you for how you look that's why you got to date him in the first place. He's past that. He's talking deeper. All that said, insecurity can ruin what at some point was a promising relationship....AND if you read between the lines of your initial post, you seem to have a problem with how you look which is why you read into what he said to you.

 

I was going to give you some practical advice to help with that and just tell you that with very little time on your hands, you should devote it to the eating well portion of weight loss. It makes sense that you are insecure and frustrated about this since you said you've been trying to get fitter. Not being able to reach something you want, is frustrating. Now you are upset that people are trying to give you advice about that AS IF you never wanted to reach that goal or had never mentioned it. It's all intertwined which is what people are picking up on. So yeah weight is 80% how you eat. Do that right if you have minimal time. You have to eat every day no matter what so get that part right and you will see results. Your confidence about most things will increase if you can succeed with your goals on stuff you put your mind to. It spills over. It's not necessarily about the weight itself. Well hopefully you are not just trying to fight with people hear and will hear the advice. Goodluck

Edited September 9, 2016 by Versacehottie

[joseb]

 

I'm getting a lot of this men who don't like to compliment us anymore. And it's really weird because telling us we're beautiful is basically the simplest way to turn that frown upside down. I've been on dates lately where I get more compliments about my appearance from complete strangers than the guy I'm with! I won't go so far as to say that telling us we're beautiful will ALWAYS work out well (for example if we're in the middle of an argument and you try to sweet talk your way out of it) but in most circumstances, the majority of women- actually men too- like to be told they are attractive. I think that's human nature.

 

Well I don't really do it much for a variety of reasons.

It sounds a bit shallow and cliched, it's really a compliment without making an effort and I kinda assumed women would see it as an obvious move to try to get into their pants!

 

So instead, I would try to pick on on something I observed about their personality I really liked, instead of just picking a physical trait.

 

Well, perhaps that's where I've been going wrong...I think i'm going to go back to it!

[Gr8fuln2020]

I'm gonna go against the advice most people are giving here and say that you do have a reason to feel insecure here. I think that if he really did find you attractive, he would have said so. He seemed to compliment you about everything under the sun, but never said one thing about you being sexy, beautiful, or anything like that. I believe that is very telling. I think he told you why he is with you, and what he liked about you, and your looks ain't it. So, yeah, I can understand why you feel insecure here.

 

A lot of women have moments of insecurity. A girl I was dating was upset about her appearance one day, said as much to me, and I didn't tell her she was nice, or thoughtful, or caring, I told her she was absolutely gorgeous and that u found her irresistible.

 

There is plenty of advice on this thread that encourages her to minimize that insecurity (if true) by DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

[Sunkissedpatio]

There is plenty of advice on this thread that encourages her to minimize that insecurity (if true) by DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

 

Yes and no.

 

Sometimes a person/woman just needs to be reminded that he finds her sexy, hot, beautiful if he still feels that. Regardless of what is going on with her weight. The fact "you are together" isn't enough to signify you still find each other attractive, it's nice to hear if it is sincere and heartfelt.

 

At 4 months, at 8 months, and at 10 years.

 

I love to compliment men when I feel it and it doesn't stop if he changes a bit over the years.

 

I used to catch my ex, for example, frowning at his hair in the mirror and complaining at how much grey he was getting and I could see in his face that it really bothered him. I didn't brush it off and make a comment about how he was older and wiser, I addressed his insecurity head on. I'd usually grab his butt and plant a big one on his lips and tell him "but you still look hotter than any 20 something year old" and I meant it. He was very hot to me regardless of how he changed.

[Lansing]

 

I'm getting a lot of this men who don't like to compliment us anymore. And it's really weird because telling us we're beautiful is basically the simplest way to turn that frown upside down. I've been on dates lately where I get more compliments about my appearance from complete strangers than the guy I'm with!

 

See, it is complicated for guys too. Because, we are told to value a relationship for more than just looks so we think "well, we shouldn't just compliment a girl on how hot she is". Also, if I start complimenting a girl saying "wow, you look great tonight" and then I don't say that the next night does she think "hmm, I guess he doesn't think I am as hot as last night".

 

Personally, I don't usually compliment dates and maybe that is part of the issues I have been having. I was dating one girl that actually complimented ME a lot and I started feeling like she was complimenting me just to get me to compliment her back. Maybe that is my own issue but at the time that is what I felt.

 

So, I can relate to being in the guys position in OP. I think I mentioned it earlier in this thread already. If this is the only majour issue in your relationship OP I think you are doing quiet well!

 

Please don`t think that the internet is ganging up on you as per your last post. I think it is more that you asked for an outside perspective and based on what you typed here (which might not be the complete picture) it sounds like your BF is pretty nice!

[AMJ]

Well I don't really do it much for a variety of reasons.

It sounds a bit shallow and cliched, it's really a compliment without making an effort and I kinda assumed women would see it as an obvious move to try to get into their pants!

 

So instead, I would try to pick on on something I observed about their personality I really liked, instead of just picking a physical trait.

 

Well, perhaps that's where I've been going wrong...I think i'm going to go back to it!

 

Something like- you look really pretty/nice is a safe one. That's never going to be construed as creepy or you trying to get into her pants. If you're staring directly at her boobs while saying that, however, different story..

 

And you can still appreciate her personality all the same. We can be smart or funny AND pretty. You tell your date she looks pretty, and she's going to drift right into flirting zone with you. I'd be shocked if that somehow backfired.

 

 

See, it is complicated for guys too. Because, we are told to value a relationship for more than just looks so we think "well, we shouldn't just compliment a girl on how hot she is". Also, if I start complimenting a girl saying "wow, you look great tonight" and then I don't say that the next night does she think "hmm, I guess he doesn't think I am as hot as last night".

 

Personally, I don't usually compliment dates and maybe that is part of the issues I have been having. I was dating one girl that actually complimented ME a lot and I started feeling like she was complimenting me just to get me to compliment her back. Maybe that is my own issue but at the time that is what I felt.

 

You're probably completely right- she wanted you to compliment her. Other women are going to disagree with this I'm sure, but we are taught that our appearance gives us value. Ladies, if I'm wrong, then tell me you are completely apathetic to receiving these type of compliments.

 

Just because you value her looks does not also mean you don't value her as a person. I think women in all stages of a relationship want to be reminded that you think they're gorgeous. My friend just had a baby and was telling me she's bothered that husband isn't treating her like the sex object she was when they made the baby or when they were dating.

 

We don't need to hear compliments every single day, but every so often. Kindness is free, it's the easiest way to start a good connection with someone.

Edited September 9, 2016 by AMJ

[AMJ]

I'm gonna go against the advice most people are giving here and say that you do have a reason to feel insecure here. I think that if he really did find you attractive, he would have said so. He seemed to compliment you about everything under the sun, but never said one thing about you being sexy, beautiful, or anything like that. I believe that is very telling. I think he told you why he is with you, and what he liked about you, and your looks ain't it. So, yeah, I can understand why you feel insecure here.

 

A lot of women have moments of insecurity.

 

Every person, man and woman, young and old, has moments of insecurity.

 

Did I read in OP that he said he wanted to spend his life with her? Did we all miss that part? How, seriously how, could anything other than positive intentions be interpreted from saying I want to spend my life with you. And it's only been 4 months!

 

Men hate the "am I fat" conversation. That is never a conversation they can win.

Her BF was doing everything he possibly could to be supportive and he did really well. He was thinking, I need to acknowledge her feelings, reassure her that I love her, be supportive of whatever she wants to do. For him finding the right things to say was like walking through a mine field. He did well.

 

Here is OP, feeling run down and exhausted because she's working full time in an already stressful and demanding job, AND going to grad school, finances are stretched thin. She shouldn't be hard on herself about any of this at this point, because just to handle that much is more than many people could do. But being a female she stops to think- oh no, I'm not looking my most gorgeous lately, because we always have to look our best. And she felt down about it. That's all.

 

For me if BF had responded with how beautiful I was, I'd know he's lying because I'd be thinking, I look exhausted. I'd much rather get the response that OP's BF gave her. It means more. OP you have a keeper

 

 

There is plenty of advice on this thread that encourages her to minimize that insecurity (if true) by DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

 

Okay and about all THIS. I doubt she came here for fitness or dieting advice. She's an intelligent person, she knows all the basics about eating healthy and exercise. Someone said to join Jenny Craig and must have missed the part where she works full time, is a grad student struggling to make ends meet financially (therefore doesn't have money for Jenny Craig) and doesn't have the time to join Jenny Craig.

 

Maybe it's because I was not long ago in the exact same boat, and I remember also feeling hard on myself about gaining 10bs in grad school. I've never, ever known a man to even notice let alone care when he gains 10 lbs. All of your clothes still fit because you wear T-shirts and pants that aren't hugging your every curve. Ironically, I look at pictures of myself from grad school and now have no idea why I was so hard on myself at the time. It's a very stressful time and possibly we just find more ways to compile the stress.

 

I didn't even bother trying to have a relationship in grad school because I had no time for dating. The few guys who did try to date me always got frustrated because, they'd ask me out, and I'd say- sure I'll probably have a night free next month.

 

The stress of living on student loans- that barely cover your rent let alone living expenses. OP I completely understand where you're at. If anything, all of this stress is what's causing you not to lose weight. Stress is a killer in so many ways.

[Popsicle]

I'm gonna go against the advice most people are giving here and say that you do have a reason to feel insecure here. I think that if he really did find you attractive, he would have said so. He seemed to compliment you about everything under the sun, but never said one thing about you being sexy, beautiful, or anything like that. I believe that is very telling. I think he told you why he is with you, and what he liked about you, and your looks ain't it. So, yeah, I can understand why you feel insecure here.

 

A lot of women have moments of insecurity. A girl I was dating was upset about her appearance one day, said as much to me, and I didn't tell her she was nice, or thoughtful, or caring, I told her she was absolutely gorgeous and that u found her irresistible.

You have a point. It would have been so easy to say "Honey, I think you're beautiful" but he didn't. Then again, he might not be emotionally intelligent enough to pick up in that