Plainjaney Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 I need to vent and I have no where else to go. My husband is completing his masters degree. We got married young and I have been doing homework for him for years. I try not too but he pouts and I usually end up doing a large portion of it. We're on a vacation with family and they volunteered to watch our son while we went to a hotel for the night. We get here and he expects me to spend the evening writing a paper for him. I am so hurt and MAD!!! Btw, we've only had sex 2 times in the last year ! If I complain i feel like a b***h. So sad.
BaileyB Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 Yeah, all of that, would not be ok with me. First, he can do his own damn homework. And, I would want more sex in my marriage. I don't blame you for being mad. Your husband sounds like a jerk! 3
spanz1 Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 what is the point of him getting a graduate degree if he does not do any of the work to earn it? Tell him to do it himself, so he can learn and get a good job to pay you back when he graduates. 1
aussietigerwolf Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 Why are you doing his homework??? What masters is he doing? How does he pass tests if you do the work for him? Why do the course in the first place if he so much does not want to do it? 2
CarrieT Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 Why are you enabling him? Can't he do his own homework? 1
Mr. Lucky Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 If I complain i feel like a b***h. In a nutshell, there's the problem. If someone treats you poorly and/or asks you to do inappropriate things, why would you feel badly standing up for yourself? Whether sex or plagiarism, right and wrong still apply. Your silence is enabling him to ignore you and treat you poorly, time to start speaking up... Mr. Lucky 3
Author Plainjaney Posted September 8, 2016 Author Posted September 8, 2016 I know I'm enabling him but i grew up in an abusive home and have the backbone of a jellyfish. I have such a hard time standing up for myself. I feel guilty for not being true to myself but then i feel selfish for not being willing to help. School comes really easily for me and he knows it. Additionally, my husband and i both have severe depression and, because of what I've suffered, I'm afraid that his pouting will lead to self harm which then causes me more guilt and anxiety. Basically, I'm a walking nutcase. I know the situation is wrong but i need help as to how to change it.
BluesPower Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 You have to change you, you are going to have to get more healthy. When you do you will be better able to actually help your husband and set more healthy boundaries. Of course, when you get more healthy you may want to leave you loser of a husband, but who knows. 1
Cephalopod Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 Go do what you want and leave him at the hotel. Tell him, simply, that he can either join you or stay there and study. Then go have fun. You have no reason to feel guilty. His degree...his problem....
scatteredmusician Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 In a nutshell, there's the problem. If someone treats you poorly and/or asks you to do inappropriate things, why would you feel badly standing up for yourself? Whether sex or plagiarism, right and wrong still apply. Your silence is enabling him to ignore you and treat you poorly, time to start speaking up... Mr. Lucky I agree completely with Mr. Lucky. If you grew up in an abusive home then of course there are issues that need to be looked at and healed. The abuse is not your fault, however you must confront your issues, then at some point find forgiveness for the people who hurt you. Otherwise, they still have control over your life and you have no boundaries that show you value yourself enough to set them. It sounds as if you DH also has issues, and both of you absolutely must find counseling – separately. This would address your depression issues. Please go to counseling! Good luck.
Mr. Lucky Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 I know I'm enabling him but i grew up in an abusive home and have the backbone of a jellyfish. Then the hard truth is, at some point, this becomes more about you than him. It's not "why does he treat me this way", what applies is "why do I allow myself to be treated like this". In life, you're only in charge of you. Additionally, my husband and i both have severe depression and, because of what I've suffered, I'm afraid that his pouting will lead to self harm which then causes me more guilt and anxiety. Basically, I'm a walking nutcase. I know the situation is wrong but i need help as to how to change it. Are you both in active treatment? If not, that would be the first step towards change. If you feel he's on the verge of self-harm, there'd seem to be some urgency... Mr. Lucky 1
Author Plainjaney Posted September 9, 2016 Author Posted September 9, 2016 Thank you for all for your advice and comments. I feel much more vindicated in thinking that the situation is unjust and that something needs to change. I know i need therapy but my depression has been so severe that i haven't felt like I'm worth the money. I'm going to do it anyway though. If me and my marriage are going to survive, i need the help. Right?
Author Plainjaney Posted September 9, 2016 Author Posted September 9, 2016 Btw, I'm the one who has dealt with self harm in the past. I really am a basket case.
ChickiePops Posted September 9, 2016 Posted September 9, 2016 So he's not actually getting a masters degree. You're getting a masters degree. Stop doing his homework, he's not a child. If he wants a diploma he needs to work for it. So what if he pouts? Let him.
Methodical Posted September 9, 2016 Posted September 9, 2016 You seem way more concerned about his needs/wants to the point that you have become his doormat. He wants and expects you to do his work bc that's what you have been doing. As long as you are willing to put up with that kind of treatment, that is exactly what you will receive. Sex twice in the past year...um, NO!! I hope your marriage is strong in other areas bc, frankly, it sounds like you are not only enabling him, you are doing the legwork to propel his future. How long have you been married? Where, exactly, do YOU fit into this future equation? What did he plan to do while you were writing his paper? I'm imagining him stretched out on the bed watching television or soaking in a jacuzzi, or going to the lounge and enjoying a few drinks while you stay holed up in a hotel room doing HIS work. I hope for your sake I'm envisioning this wrong. Yes, you have every right to be pissed off. But, you need to accept that you have enabled him. I'm sure your intentions were honorable and you were trying to be supportive and help in whatever capacity you could. Unfortunately, he has taken advantage of the situation. Is he self-centered in every capacity of your marriage? It's time to wrap your jellyfish characteristic around a steel pole and stand up for yourself.
Mr. Lucky Posted September 9, 2016 Posted September 9, 2016 Btw, I'm the one who has dealt with self harm in the past. I really am a basket case. Actually, the ability to recognize a problem exists and the self-awareness required to seek help makes you a pretty together individual. Now you just need to follow through ... Mr. Lucky 2
BettyDraper Posted September 10, 2016 Posted September 10, 2016 You are teaching your husband that he can take advantage of you due to your emotional issues. Counseling will help you learn to set boundaries. 2
Author Plainjaney Posted September 10, 2016 Author Posted September 10, 2016 You guys are amazing. Thank you so much for your support. I feel a lot better. I'm going to try to be stronger and try to get help. Thank you all! 2
spanz1 Posted September 12, 2016 Posted September 12, 2016 i can see a partner helping a grad student out some. Like there is a big thesis, maybe you help him transpose hiswritten notes into typewritten ones. Or you proof read his documents, double check his sources. But what type of a master's degree is he taking where his non-student wife can do his homework for him? When I was in grad school.....I had trouble understanding the homework assignments....after having done all of the previous homework my self. there is no way you can do them for him, and his not doing the homework means his education is just a sham. Might as well just have him buy a paper certificate from some scam online "university" It must be a very trivial degree he is getting. which begs he question: will he have a GOOD JOB using this trivial degree in the future?
Cephalopod Posted September 12, 2016 Posted September 12, 2016 So did you go do your thing without him?
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