Ex jealous w.t.hell

[whyknot1]

so here i am ,hi .

i'm in a dilemma [ hell ] with something.it's a break up a pretty bad one .

k a little background.moved to where i am now a small midwest tow 8 yrs ago.

met a woman through work , at the time she was married [ and has 2 grown kids ] we were just work friends.me being new here she helped me with things telling me what stores were good,doctors,vet etc . about a yr and a half later she was going through a divorce process [ he cheated on her ]. we never did anything their was an attraction but their was a marriage. A bi after the divorce was final and she settled into her new place we ran into each other talked over coffee. their was a festival going on at the time with a band playing that night .i invited her to stop by see the band with me , she did .

we had fun got along .next i saw her at work .my car was acting up after work she offered to drive me home i accepted she did .we were talking and when we got to my place i offered her to come in , she accepted .after talking a while we hooked up .

we started seeing each other , then started dating it was great. about 3 yrs or so later issues came up .nothing really major we just needed to compromise and really didn't .we were frustrated with each other at times .

one of my family members got ill , the woman seemed to be distant towards me that spark wasn't their.so i left for a yr to help my family .

we didn't talk .THEN we started talking the woman knows of my sister who got ill had her number would call to see how she was doing etc, and we would talk into the night going over what went wrong between us admitting we both messes up communicating .became friends .she went out not really on dates but with people from work as a group .after we became good friends again i decided to go back and see if we could work .

i've been back now a little over 2 yrs .things were great again ,thought i was here with her forever .she has some friends she hangs with ,goes shopping,helps when theirs parties or whatever.the woman love to shop ,i'm o.k. with that. BUT when we have plans and she started forgetting,thought they were the next week etc .issues came up .i'd call get no answer would leave a message '' hey don't forget we have to leave at 9 to make the movie [or whatever] '' no call backs until after the times we should have been together .she'd say '' i left my phone in the car'' , '' i didn't drive and my girl friend isn't done shopping '' etc . all true BUT still frustrating .

3/4 months ago i noticed a huge change in her .asked what's wrong , was told 'nothing just work stuff , the kids,the ex '' o.k. those things happen .THEN she became distant would cancel plans, blow me off .asked again everything o.k. ? got told yea .gut feeling theirs someone else .

we talked i said '' listen somethings wrong here we both know it '' she agreed .i said '' is their someone else ? someone you want to spend time with ? got told '' no don''t be silly ''. bottom line FACT their is someone else .she's been staying at this guys house nightly .when we met up at my place i told her look you don't call me ,you're blowing me off , i seen your car on this street ,i know people who live their they know this guy he talks about dating you .what's the real story. oh he's a friend i go their we talk .

she goes to his place 9-10 pm leaves at 5 am .FACT .i saw with my own eyes i stayed at a friends their one night to see for myself .

it's a relationship blooming .she knows i know .i said listen ''it's not working between us theirs another guy you're spending time with shake my hand say goodbye'' i get told '' it's not what you think '' i'm not stupid

i stopped things with her .she stopped with me .we went n.c .out of the blue got a call from her .she stopped by my place .she said ''she didn't feel we were friends'' never admitted the other guy .i said '' go do what you're doing obviously we need help with communication '' she agreed .so i mentioned going to a counselor ,she wasn't into the idea'' .

i'm now planning to move ,theirs things i don't want i offer to her. i know she likes and would take care of ,she's been by my place see's i'm serious

we talk a bit then it gets heated . she says she don't want me to go , i ask her why she says '' i''d miss you '' i say i wanted to make our place our home you don't want that .your not trying to reconcile with me it's o.k.

she admits things could have been handled differently i take 50 percent of blame and say the other 50 percent is her she understands.i ask what she wants ,she says she confused and thinks of me all the time ,i tell her stop lying to me you're not thinking of me when you're their with him .

we do have feelings towards each other , i do love her ,care about her,miss her she can be awesome .we don't talk like we have anymore,we don't see each other for long periods of time when she pops over.she always ends up crying when i try to talk to her to understand why she's doing what she is .she wont fess up .she says '' she thought we were done''' , i said ''' we never talked or said that'' explained theirs aright way to end a relationship etc. she understands that.even says she screwed up .

i''m trying to be the bigger person and say o.k. you messed up you lied to me , you cheated on me do you want to work on you and me ?i get no real answer .she wants us to be friends , i say nope we can't be now i'll be cordial to you i wont be an a-hole curse you out etc. i love you ,care for you , miss you but hate what you did .she'll know i had a doctors appointment she'll call to remind me , even stop by to see how things went.

times i'll call her say hey just heard this song from the movie you like thought of you, she'll call say hey watching the show we like ..we say we miss each other .but don't miss the b.s. .i always tell her if she'd be honest with me we can really talk , maybe be together etc .but no real response from her .

know most of you will say go strict n.c. ,don't be the nice guy.kick her to the curb etc .i''d say those things to someone in this situation . i could be moving soon i think with her honesty we could reconcile and i'd stay i'm attempting to see if it could happen BUT with her not giving me anything a concrete answer ,honesty , i see it's not likely .but i still try to be the nice guy

[PegNosePete]

know most of you will say go strict n.c.

Go strict NC.

What are you getting out of this relationship?

Just lies and cheated on. Nothing more.

There is absolutely nothing to gain by remaining in contact with her.

[Toodaloo]

Silence says more than a thousand words.

 

Go no contact and think about her no more.

 

Life is too short to be dealing with dramas and insignificant people all the time. This woman is insignificant.

[whyknot1]

see i hear what you guys are saying really and it's advice i would say to someone in this situation .it's just me i don''t want to be the '' bad guy''

im not going to be friendly offer her dinners,movies,ask how her day went or whatever .i just figure [ maybe it's want or expect] one day she calls knowing i'd be moving [the move is to another state a 2 day drive away ] and i'd hear honesty good or bad .wouldn't solve anything no ,BUT she did admit she screwed up .i'd like to hear and see the actions of unscrewing it up .

i mean i went so far as to tell her once .look you messed this up , this punishment your giving me doesn't fit the crime .IF you said and sincerely meant it that you're sorry only then could we even attempt to see if we can be fixed . she has said sorry BUT it was a blank sorry like saying what i wanted to hear

I do have a time limit on moving she doesn't know the date . when that date comes i'm gone and we wont be talking ever .already she's blocked from my e mail ,i told her if you can mail me you shouldn't have a problem telling me face to face as an adult .

yea right now the relationship doesn't exist in any way just the caring /concerns [ me going to dr''s about something] she doesn't even know what

she'd like to know i told her when your honest with me about us [ if ever] then i'd tell her.

i know she probably wants me around as the fall guy if what she's doing now don''t work out .made it clear i wouldn't be that guy either .

it's NOW you be honest with me , we attempt to fix it or goodbye cause once i go your chances end .

[PegNosePete]

i don''t want to be the '' bad guy''

You are not the bad guy. She cheated.

 

It is perfectly normal for good and bad guys alike, to not talk to someone after they cheat on them!

[Toodaloo]

see i hear what you guys are saying really and it's advice i would say to someone in this situation .it's just me i don''t want to be the '' bad guy''

im not going to be friendly offer her dinners,movies,ask how her day went or whatever .i just figure [ maybe it's want or expect] one day she calls knowing i'd be moving [the move is to another state a 2 day drive away ] and i'd hear honesty good or bad .wouldn't solve anything no ,BUT she did admit she screwed up .i'd like to hear and see the actions of unscrewing it up .

i mean i went so far as to tell her once .look you messed this up , this punishment your giving me doesn't fit the crime .IF you said and sincerely meant it that you're sorry only then could we even attempt to see if we can be fixed . she has said sorry BUT it was a blank sorry like saying what i wanted to hear

I do have a time limit on moving she doesn't know the date . when that date comes i'm gone and we wont be talking ever .already she's blocked from my e mail ,i told her if you can mail me you shouldn't have a problem telling me face to face as an adult .

yea right now the relationship doesn't exist in any way just the caring /concerns [ me going to dr''s about something] she doesn't even know what

she'd like to know i told her when your honest with me about us [ if ever] then i'd tell her.

i know she probably wants me around as the fall guy if what she's doing now don''t work out .made it clear i wouldn't be that guy either .

it's NOW you be honest with me , we attempt to fix it or goodbye cause once i go your chances end .

 

Its hard to read what you are writing but what you describe is not you being the good guy. Its you getting one man up on her when she comes crawling back to you and you can be all smug and gracious and take her back under your wing while patting her on the head and saying "there there - I am here for you"... That isn't being a good guy that is being a tad... weird, egotistical and pretty nasty.

 

Get a grip and move on.

[whyknot1]

man it's tough being the ''dumpee''' and going through your stuff when it's all very fresh , and your friends know and keep calling for you to go out with them to do things .maybe i want to just sit around the house being miserable alone , or cleaning or whatever .being out with a couple of guys drinking and having a b b q [ i don't drink ] just isn't a great way to spend a sunday afternoon for me .plus i'd be faking it and theyd know it . already know i'd leave pretty soon after i got their .

i know their meaning well , i know my ex isn't sitting around the house thinking of me she's out with her new guy

what good is staying home gonna do for me ? nothing been out with these same guys recently a few times its always the same and i get nothing out of it . i come home and say what a waste that was for me .

just really hard for me , plus first time i was ever with someone who turned out to be so cold to me by lieing and cheatting on me after 2 yrs

[whyknot1]

well jut ran into my ex of 4 months unexpectedly .was driving to a Chinese restaurant [ it's near her house ] she was doing yard work , saw me waved , i waved [ this isn't the first time we've crossed paths ] .i pulled over said hi , she asked me a question about her lawn mower .i went took a look at it .kept it cordial .didn't talk about us , her new guy or anything. didn't show my anger / frustration over our situation .then she asked what i did last night [ saturday ] i just said i hung out , knew she went to her sons football game asked how it was she said they won so i said cool .

she kept looking at me , so i said anything you want to say to me or whatever feel free .FIRST she said she was tired of the frustration between us , and i said yea me to.she asked why that was ,i said lack of communication .she said she couldn't live like that , i said me either BUT it could have been worked out simply by talking .she said she tried to talk , i told her i guess not in the right way where i'd understand .

she said she's not gonna take all the blame , i said you can't you have 50% blame just like i do . mower wouldn't work so she asked if i'd help put it in her car so she could have a friend look at it , i helped and said oh your new boyfriend huh , she said no .THEN i said look we're done , she said i didn't say that .i told her it's pretty obvious last 4 months . she said she doesn't know what she wants , i told her obviously you do cause you're not coming to me . she said i don't know everything ,then she just asked if i had fun last night , i said eh was o.k. just hung out .so i asked where she was last night , she told me home [ very low voice ] i said where she said none of your concern . i know she was at her new guys place for a fact , didn't tell her .just said ya know you don't need to lie to me and started leaving .

she said talk to you later , i said nah you probably wont , i asked if she'd like anything from the restaurant she said no thanks .then she just said maybe see you tomorrow.i said uh huh maybe .usually when she talks like that she'll pop by my place for a few talk without talking or giving answers i tell her it annoys me she knows it does , tomorrow i have plans so she stops by im their i'm their . she knows i just want to hear the truth nothing more or we don't talk and i ask her to leave .

i still remind her we're not friends , im just being cordial to her

 

these her some weird games with her or what ?

[CarrieT]

Go back to No Contact.

 

Why play games?

[privategal]

Stop eating near her home and driving by.

Your stalking her knowing where she is and who she's with. Grow up she's dating someone else. Stop talking to her and move on.

[Blanco]

She cheated on you. Find a different Chinese restaurant and stop arranging ways to "coincidentally" bump into her.

[smudge21]

You're both playing these games. If you want to stop doing so, then simply stop doing so. "Accidentally" bumping into an ex at her house is not really an accident.

[whyknot1]

first off no games being played here , the only good place to grab Chinese food happens to be a 1/2 block from her place . and YEP it was an accidental meet [ seeing each other ] who's doing yard work 5 pm on a Sun . definatly not stalking her [ hell if i wanted i could just pass by the new guys place and see her their ] small-ish town here everyone knows everyone .

to me not a big deal seeing her doesn't affect me in certain ways , i can be cordial . the relationship is dead i accept that .

her telling me the truth hmm prob not BUT it is entertaining hearing all the stories she says ,no chance in hell of us getting back together but i don't need to be an a-hole if we run into each other ,just say hi whatever nothing personal

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, you are both playing games. You're questioning her whereabouts when you apparently already know the truth - what was the point of that?

 

Also, I don't understand why you would permit her to drop by your house. If you don't want to play games, all you have to say is, "No, that's not a good idea." Full stop.

 

You can put an easy end to all of this. If you accidentally bump into her again, just wave or say and keep moving. Don't stop and engage in conversation, especially not about your break-up.

[whyknot1]

well i'm definatly not questioning her whereabouts . i could care less where she went ,with who , or if she had a good time .she asked what i did i just said ''hung out'' i knew her son had a football game so i asked about that .

i don't ask her anything personal .i don't even ask how she's doing

her stopping by here every so often ,i think it's just her game dee what i'm up too or if someones here like i said if i'm here , i'm here she can come in ask me or say whatever it's not like i even fully answer her [ that frustrates her ] but oh well .not like we're being intimate , or i'm askin her to stay for dinner or anything .usually it's a brief visit .when she tells a lie i just say isn't your boy-friend waiting for you , or does he know you're here and walk her out .

it's kind of entertaining to me .

BUT i'll be moving states away soon and she wont know where , or have my number and she knows that ,that bugs her but not my problem

i'll be cordial as long as i'm here and just not be that a-hole who ignores,curses her out,yells etc .she doesn't even understand why i'm not doing those things it confuses the hell out of her .i'm just trying to rise above ,be the better person .once she's gone i don't even think about her , i usually just laugh

[ExpatInItaly]

well i'm definatly not questioning her whereabouts . i could care less where she went ,with who , or if she had a good time .she asked what i did i just said ''hung out'' i knew her son had a football game so i asked about that .

i don't ask her anything personal .i don't even ask how she's doing

her stopping by here every so often ,i think it's just her game dee what i'm up too or if someones here like i said if i'm here , i'm here she can come in ask me or say whatever it's not like i even fully answer her [ that frustrates her ] but oh well .not like we're being intimate , or i'm askin her to stay for dinner or anything .usually it's a brief visit .when she tells a lie i just say isn't your boy-friend waiting for you , or does he know you're here and walk her out .

it's kind of entertaining to me .

BUT i'll be moving states away soon and she wont know where , or have my number and she knows that ,that bugs her but not my problem

i'll be cordial as long as i'm here and just not be that a-hole who ignores,curses her out,yells etc .she doesn't even understand why i'm not doing those things it confuses the hell out of her .i'm just trying to rise above ,be the better person .once she's gone i don't even think about her , i usually just laugh

 

So, by your own admission, this is fun to you. You are participating in playing games, however you choose to spin it.

 

You said you "knew for a fact" she was with her new man that particular night - so you obviously are paying attention to her actions. Also, you made a point of asking where she was (not in reference to the game) when you knew she was with her boyfriend. You question whether her new boyfriend is waiting for her. People who don't care don't ask. People who really want to get over their exes don't allow them to drop by their homes. You do care, you just don't want to admit it to yourself, it seems. So you mask it as a joke or entertainment. I think it's probably equally obvious to her that you are still into her.

 

I don't really understand what you are looking for. If you get a kick out of it and play along, what's the issue?

[marky00]

lol,

 

 

all these posts for someone who thinks this is a joke.

 

 

too funny.

[whyknot1]

hey i treat people like they treat me . iff she can just walk out on a 2 yr rea;relationship and not say nothing obviously i don't matter to her like i'm a joke . she wants to be serious tell the truth i'll be serious .

this was a woman i was going to be with forever or so i thought

[marky00]

at least you are now revealing your inner feelings.

 

 

No point putting on an act in this forum. Keep the acting for when u bump into your ex

[whyknot1]

well i've been trying to be cordial with my ex of about 4 months now. we dated 2 yrs ,known each other for about 6. she lied to me and cheated on me.

i was trying not to be an a-hole to her and just say hi and general stuff when we cross paths .ya know be the bigger person , the nice guy .

at one point yea i wanted her back ,to me she was special ,i thought it was ''forever'' .she used the ''forever'' word also .

well yesterday by accident saw her stopped conversed some , helped her with a problem . got asked personal questions which i just gave a quick remark to .bought up something to her got lied to about it [ normal for her to do to me lie ] so said take care .

k all i ever wanted was the truth ,will i get it probably not,would it change anything no what's done is done .

so today went to the walmart ,saw her [ she saw me first ] said hi , i waved and said hi went about my business.ended up next check out line from her.made a comment about all she was buying , she laughed .

she waited for me to finish,told me she had a new lawn mower in her car , if 'd be willing to help take it out at her house ,it was heavy .going past her house to get home isn't out of my way .sooo mr. wanna be nice guy said uh sure .

i help her unload the mower , grab some bags drop them in her kitchen .went outside smoked a cig returned a friends call .

she came out started talking to me ,just general things no biggie .i'm fine with that .she was putting her bike in the car and a duffle bag. the bag she would put clothes in hen she'd stay at my place .k she has a guy now she's going biking with and stayng over his place most likely . i didn't say nothing .she mentioned she bought some foods i'd like ,i said i always liked your cooking .she started asking me personal questions which i gave vague replies to .

then she started talking about us .i stopped her cause it was why we weren't together which she lies to me about.i said listen i like you , theirs no reason to play these games with me .if you can be honest i'll listen all i ever wanted was the truth ,i showed you respect,you show me some . she said she's being honest.asked me what i thought our issue was ,so i said as i said before our communication was bad .she agreed .said their were things she could have said / done differently .i said sure me to .i said we both did it i'll own my 50 % .

then she said if we didn't have the issues she'd prob be getting ready to come to my place.i said well your going to your boy-friends so .she said he's not her ''boy-friend' i said whatever .got some b.s.story of how she thought we were done,i said well that's maybe what you though you could have come by my place explained yourself to me we could have talked,she said she tried talking ,i said well obviously not the right way,she said she didn't know theirs a right or wrong way to talk .

i told her before you had eyes for someone else it would have been adult of you to break up with me instead of running and hiding, and avoiding me.she said she didn't [ she clearly did ] i just got frustrated at the lies.so i said thanks for doing what you did for me ,i appreciated it , we had fun ,i'll probably always remember you , even smile,always have some sort of feelings towards you .she said and me the same with you ,i do care about you a-lot , i do love you,at one time was crazy for you .i just said well you had a strange way of showing it . look i need to go obviously this is going nowhere, theirs no chance for us again , she said ''i didn't say that '' i said well your actions are showing it / saying it for you .i wont say later , or see you later now i'm just going to say goodbye ...she looked at me puzzled ,started crying [ she cries when we've talked before] i said sorry that's how it is .in a few you'll be with your new guy you probably wont even remember seeing me now .she said ''oh i always think of you '' i said well you never took action , or let me know.when i was being nice to her if i heard a song that reminded me of her she liked ,i'd give a quick call and say hey i just heard bla bla she say oh cool remember when we heard it.once she called me and said i'm watching the show we watched together [ big bang theory ] and thought of you [ recently ].

so right or wrong [ most here would say right ] i'm going dark on her.much as it hurts .she's said we're ''friends'' when at the beginning when we ran into each other and i said so now we're nothing .when she said ''we're friends'' i said no not by any stretch of the imagination , i'll be cordial to you that's it .

so when i told her goodbye i left her sitting in her car in the driveway and didn't look back [ like i usually would] yea it hurts .i do / did love her whole heartly and wanted to do it right and be forever .i never lied to her about anything,never hid anything from her,never flirted with another,looked forward to seeing her .

now hopefully in Nov i move states away she wont have any contact info

blows BUT has to be .

[juniorrocha]

1) I don't understand the point of your thread. Still trying to figure out if you were just venting, telling us a story, or if you were looking for some advice;

 

2) Please, consider typing with better punctuation and paragraphs. I'm not saying this to be mean, but it was a hassle to go through your entire thread - I'm sure I wasn't the only one to feel that way and you could get more help then;

 

3) Whatever your thread means, it seems to me that she still has feelings for you, and you do for her as well, but isn't it clear this isn't going anywhere? She's with a new guy now, you're moving out of state, she cheated/lied during your relationship, etc.

 

Go NC and move on.

[whyknot1]

just have to ask see if i can get some insight from some people here .

k i'm a dumpee .we dated 2 yrs ,then lies started ,then the other guy .

we never had the ''break up '' talk .basically she just avoided me ,and started spending time with this guy she still sees .it's been going on 4 months now .

we did the no contact thing for a bit .then i found stuff of hers at my place,she found stuff of mine at her place ,i think it was her who contacted me about giving items back .so we did .

we talked some just general things . THEN our thing [ why she left me ] to her [ her thought] was she thought our relationship was over .k she's entitled to her thoughts .. BUT i say and have said to her that was selfish of you to just up and leave me out of the blue and end up with another .while i believed

we were still a couple . i believe she understands where i'm coming from .

she has said sorry just not that heart felt sorry .

admit ably she loves me , cares for me , misses me [ but not our b.s. ] and i her .our issue was communication .

ANYWAYS now we see each other time to time around our neighborhood we say hi chat , she's shown up at my place to see how everything's going . one day i said so what are we now to you ? she said we're ''friends'' .

i said sorry no we're not .she said she always thinks of me , i said i do her to .told her i wont be an a-hole , curse you out , ignore you ,avoid you like a disease.i see you i'll be cordial no more no less ,don't ask me personal questions , and i wont ask you .

EVERYONE i know males and females are saying ''she'll be back '' they've been saying this for weeks now . is their something i don't see here ?

sure i asked her about reconciling a while ago [ while i knew she had someone else ]. got told never know ,maybe i don't know what i want , i'm hurting [ which i don't see how are you hurting over me when your with someone else] . i hurt that's why i'm not with another now .

 

is it just because we're cordial to each other ,people are saying she'll be coming back to me ?

THEN i would have the decision to make after you lied and cheated on me will i take you back , could i after that betrayal .could i even handle it .

[aloneinaz]

I can't read what your wrote. I'm not trying to be mean but punctuation is important. You'll probably get a lot more feedback if you address that.

[Blanco]

OP's posts are why we shouldn't be slashing public school funding at every opportunity.

[LD1990]

You've been posting about this woman for months yet always have an excuse for why you won't go NC. She won't be back. Your friends are telling you she will realize what a big mistake she made because they like you and want you to feel better. Keeping in touch with her, stopping for chats when you see her, that's just going to keep you in the same position that you've been in for months already - hung up on your ex while she dates someone else.