ancameni Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 (edited) I am wondering if someone here can chime in and clarify stuff for me. I have no clue how a guy thinks these days. Met this guy on Tinder, we start talking and from the get go it is freaky how much we have in common on point of views etc. We have been communicating for 7-8 weeks now. I am in my 40, divorced for 3 years. My ex has cheated on me, so I am guarded, cautious. This guy, has also been hurt pretty bad in past relationships. I thought I was guarded and cautious, but he certainly outdoes me. He has not lied to me, lead me on in anyway. What he told me I was able to verify. We had a first date a month ago. We try to schedule something else but the last few times, something came up. Usually his teenage daughter. I get that, I have girls too. I am very confused about signals. There are times when he says, how much he wants to see me again, or wishes he was with me at that point, says he is looking forward to my texts etc. But then there are times that he is distant. He says, he is not quite sure what I like. I tell him, he needs to find out. I know he is cautious and takes it slow but I am starting to overthink things. We text in the morning and at night. He used to send me a text during day (but not lately). But he also has a very stressful and dangerous job. He tells me that it has been a long time since he has made a connection like this with someone. He told me that he went on Tinder, because his daughter told him he needed to date. I think he is interested but I am at loss now. Like I said I don't feel he lied to me in any way, as a matter of fact he is pretty straightforward. I understand his history and know that he does not rush into something, that he is careful. I am polite, try not to rush him or pressure him and tell him as much. I have written a letter to myself this weekend to clear my thoughts, but then texted him a section of it, and it was not sugar coated. He 'thanked me for it and said he enjoyed reading it, since it tells him where mind is at. I thought he would fade away after the message but we keep talking. that also shows me he is interested. But I am confused. This stop and go, the whiplash, is frustrating. I have not met his daughter, and I am not sure if she changed her mind of her dad dating, and i know his main concern is she. I am guessing he has a battle going on with him about leaving his secure comfortzone.. Am I seeing this correctly? I am not a patient person and told him as much, and when he asked if that means I give up quickly, i told him that some things are worth waiting for. And I want to but I am at loss, i have no reference point for something like that. My ex was unavailble and this guy opens the doors for me., is polite, respectful...Any thoughts for me beside being consistent and patient? I have also made sure that he knew, that at this point all I really wanted was to get to know him, to which he replied the same. Edited September 8, 2016 by ancameni add on
CarrieT Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 You are concerned about not having met his daughter after only 8 weeks? I think you are pushing way too fast, frankly. Why the rush? It sounds like you are both busy but that you are expecting him to move a little faster than want...
Author ancameni Posted September 8, 2016 Author Posted September 8, 2016 Oh no, I am not worried about not having met his daughter. That would be something for way down the road. Am i over-reacting and overthinking everything? Just enjoy the conversations and messages and lhave faith and trust that whatever happens happen?
CarrieT Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 Yes. Stop over-reacting. You barely know him... Take your time to see who he is!
katiegrl Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 (edited) We had a first date a month ago. We try to schedule something else but the last few times, something came up. Usually his teenage daughter. I get that, I have girls too. So you have had ONE date in a month? And that's it? Do I have this right? If so, this does not sound good to me at all... I realize he has a teenage daughter, but a man who is interested in actually dating you would wish to see you more often than once a month and would be making an effort to make that happen. I am sure he enjoys texting with you, he gets your attention without putting forth any effort. Unless you are looking for a pen pal, I dunno, if it were me I would move on. Too many issues, unless that intrigues you, in which case carry on with the texting and hope he eventually gets around to wanting to spend some time with you in real life. Edited September 8, 2016 by katiegrl
leogirl876 Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 So you have had ONE date in a month? And that's it? Do I have this right? If so, this does not sound good to me at all... I realize he has a teenage daughter, but a man who is interested in actually dating you would wish to see you more often than once a month and would be making an effort to make that happen. I am sure he enjoys texting with you, he gets your attention without putting forth any effort. Unless you are looking for a pen pal, I dunno, if it were me I would move on. Too many issues, unless that intrigues you, in which case carry on with the texting and hope he eventually gets around to wanting to spend some time with you in real life. Agreed! Sounds like she's accepting crumbs from this man, he's giving her excuses that he's been hurt and blah blah and she's buying it. We women need to stop accepting crumbs from men. And don't put all your eggs in one basket, you should be talking with at least 2-4 other guys at any given time until you find one who gives you what you want and need.
Author ancameni Posted September 8, 2016 Author Posted September 8, 2016 Yes, ONE date in a month. However, he lives a distance away. But yes, I get it, there should have been more of an effort. Thank you, everyone for you input
Popsicle Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 How much of a distance does he live away? I am of the opinion that with busy adult lives (with kids and jobs) it's pretty difficult to sustain a relationship with more than 20 miles separating you. Unless you enjoy text relationships only.
Author ancameni Posted September 8, 2016 Author Posted September 8, 2016 He lives about 60 something miles away, so I feel it is a bit difficult to meet whenever. I also have 2 girls, (16+20) and know how hard it is as single parent to deal with a 14year old girl. I have also thought a few times( when i got frustrated and was thinking too much) to just leave it be, but then he texts, calls, face times. I know I am impatient, or driven. I was married for 20 years and the world si different now when it comes to dating.
katiegrl Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 (edited) He lives about 60 something miles away, so I feel it is a bit difficult to meet whenever. I also have 2 girls, (16+20) and know how hard it is as single parent to deal with a 14year old girl. I have also thought a few times( when i got frustrated and was thinking too much) to just leave it be, but then he texts, calls, face times. I know I am impatient, or driven. I was married for 20 years and the world si different now when it comes to dating. First of all, waiting a MONTH for a second date is hardly being impatient, please. Second, times have NOT changed that much. When a man is interested in dating you, he will still make an effort to make that happen. 60 miles away is nothing, I used to drive 60 miles to/from my job every single day. So do many people, there have been many other threads discussing this. I get it though, you really like him, are intrigued, infatuated, whatevs so you talk yourself into believing this is all okay, just be patient and eventually you and he will ride off into the sunset together. I am sorry to be harsh but it doesn't work that way, even in this day and age. I don't know what's going on with him, and frankly it doesn't matter. The bottom line is... he obviously has little to no interest in spending any time with you (in person), and is essentially stringing you along. And as long as you are okay with the status quo will continue to do so. Aim higher, expect more for and from yourself and others, choose wisely from the get go, don't tolerate BS .... and you will do well in dating. It's not easy, requires a thick skin.... I am learning this myself after coming out of six year RL late last year. Best of luck and you more FORWARD. Edited September 8, 2016 by katiegrl
Popsicle Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 He lives about 60 something miles away, so I feel it is a bit difficult to meet whenever. I also have 2 girls, (16+20) and know how hard it is as single parent to deal with a 14year old girl. I have also thought a few times( when i got frustrated and was thinking too much) to just leave it be, but then he texts, calls, face times. I know I am impatient, or driven. I was married for 20 years and the world si different now when it comes to dating. You can't just drop everything when you have kids and drive 60 miles. Hell, my BF lives 5 miles away and I still can't do that (even tho he would like that). The distance is your issue.
katiegrl Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 You can't just drop everything when you have kids and drive 60 miles. Hell, my BF lives 5 miles away and I still can't do that (even tho he would like that). The distance is your issue. No but you can schedule and go out on a date on a Saturday night for heaven's sake. His daughter is old enough to care for herself and the OP can get a babysitter. Divorced people with kids manage to do it all the time!
Popsicle Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 No but you can schedule and go out on a date on a Saturday night for heaven's sake. His daughter is old enough to care for herself and the OP can get a babysitter. Divorced people with kids manage to do it all the time! I wouldn't for 60+ miles away.
katiegrl Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 (edited) I wouldn't for 60+ miles away. Fair enough and if that is the case for the OP's guy, then he should stop texting her, encouraging her to be patient, etc. Instead he should end it (or she should) and look for someone more local. One also has to wonder, why did he take up with her in the first place if the 60 miles was such an issue? Frankly, I think it's BS, he is not that interested, has her "on hold", and she should walk away. JMO Edited September 8, 2016 by katiegrl
Popsicle Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 Fair enough and if that is the case for the OP's guy, then he should stop texting her, encouraging her to be patient, etc. Instead he should end it (or she should) and look for someone more local. One also has to wonder, why did he take up with her in the first place if the 60 miles was such an issue? Frankly, I think it's BS, he is stringing her along and she should walk away. JMO Agreed. He probably doesn't realize the distance is an issue yet and is influenced by his loneliness. I had to learn that the hard way too and through mistakes.
Author ancameni Posted September 12, 2016 Author Posted September 12, 2016 I would like to thank everyone that has replied. When I talked with my friends, they told me what they thought i wanted to hear and not crush me anymore etc. However, you put it straight forward and told me what I already knew, but needed to hear. Sometimes, wishful thinking gets the better of me and your responses, reminded me to listen again to my inner voice. I had to subdue that one, when i went through the divorce. I guess it is now time not doubt my gut. Again. THANK YOU SO MUCH. You are all awesome
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