SCooke Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 I broke up with my EX a month ago. Together a little over a year, long distance the whole time. We visited each other back and forth. Our relationship was good, not great. We didn't fight much. However, i felt i was much more invested in the relationship than she was. I was putting in more effort. When we started going out, she had just left a very long relationship (7 yrs) recently. In fact, i didn't even know how recent it was until way late into our relationship (she broke up with the previous one about 3-4 weeks prior to meeting me) I always was worried i might be a rebound. But we had such a good honeymoon phase. We also had so much in common. Our backgrounds are from the same country, went to the same middle school (without knowing each other) and met through mutual friends. It seemed we were meant to be. When we met, i had been single for a while, and was in the perfect stage of my life to meet "the one". And i dove head first. Looking back, i think i was projecting much more than what was real, and i realize now she might not have been in the same place as i was. We had one breakup in January for about 3 weeks. She got upset that i can get wild when we went out, and she didn't like that i partied too hard on occasion and she didn't like that i enjoyed that more than spending quality time alone with her alone. In general, i am much more gregarious, social and distracted. While she is more introverted, prudent and a little bit of a "goody two shoes"...So she dumped me for three weeks. I went NC, and she called 3 weeks later saying she made a mistake, and we got back together. After that, it was never as good as prior. I was so hurt, and became much more wary of what i said, and how i acted, and i started reading much into it. It created a distance (along with a physical distance), that was too hard to fight. And i started noticing that i was seeing things that might not have been there, and that maybe she wasn't in love with me the way i was with her. She made no plans towards the future, and didnt make an effort to find a way where we could be together. I was too afraid to put myself out there again so i didn't push it either. She also made various comments that signaled that maybe she felt she was too good for me. Those were my two biggest issues Finally, i had enough of it, and a few days after she came to see me in August, i called her and told her that i loved her, but that i don't see the point, since neither is working towards a future for us, and that it was too hard and that we should break up before one of us gets hurt really bad. She agreed totally, and told me she'll miss me, and she cried, and then we hung up. That was it. I texted her a few days later asking if shes ok. She said it was on good terms, and that she was ok. We haven't spoken since, which is over 20 something days. I've been NC since then. Its been really hard. The first week was easy, then the last few weeks have been so up and down. Its painful to feel that you might have cared for someone so much, and that maybe they weren't that into you the same way. I cant stop ruminating about it , and wondering did she ever love me? I guess i have no question, just needed to get it out. thx
carhill Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 Hey, LS is a great place to vent..... Speaking to your title and having had the gamut of dumping and being dumped, including being served a divorce lawsuit, here's my .02.... IME, in general, hurt depends on the emotional makeup of the individual. Aspects of life which may hurt one person greatly may not even phase another person, and this isn't necessarily global, rather situational. That's due to we each having unique genetics, socialization, peer integration, life experiences and the resultant intrinsic personality characteristics. Myself, I tended to take relationships very seriously as a younger man and often agonized, to my own detriment, over big and little details, hence dumping someone, whether for a person I found more compatible where the other person was in no way markedly incompatible, or due to significant relationship problems, was after significant reflection and consideration and was rarely if ever pain-free. Then I grew up and got a little meaner, especially after getting burned numerous times. By the time I got to the point of being married, dumping, or being dumped, lost its hurt and it was replaced with screw 'em, there's billions more on the planet, get lost. I still had the old nice guy tape playing where being rude to people was an obstacle to overcome so 'screw em' played out with less coarse language but the underlying emotions were still the same. Time limited, unimportant, fallible beings, next. Basically no different than I had been considered for most of my life. In another thread I had opined about, to my detriment, having a caretaker personality and having to finally get therapy to rid myself of the worst of it. Now I might care but I can flip it off like a light switch and without consequence. Each interaction is unique and time-limited and without expectation. If it's fun, cool. If not, cool. End of, next. Next time you have occasion to like or love someone, try simply enjoying the moment and without expectation that one moment might lead to another moment. If it does, OK, cool. If not, that's cool too. If you get dumped, that's another moment, done. If you dump someone, same. If you string together a bunch of moments into a lifetime partnership, that's cool too. Some folks do that. Good on them.
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