Seeming too interested?

September 7, 2016

Hi, this might seem like a silly question, but bear with me.

So I've been dating a bit and I find that in general(with anyone), when I like a guy or im having a good time, I get so carried away and get in my head so much during it. I'm always laughing, everything I'm saying comes out with a smile on my face. I get so excited, it's obvious. Which may sound like a good thing, but it just makes me seem so odd and way too interested and eager at times. I think maybe I just start liking the guy and I can't help it, I get carried away and excited.

But I just want to be normal and not have a smile on my face 24/7 even when he asks what I do for a living. I feel like I used to not have this problem previously when I'm younger. But now as I've gotten older, I don't know, maybe I'm just getting so used to texting or desperate or socially awkward or something, that i find myself having trouble with this and just appearing "normal". I try to just be myself, but what are some good techniques or things that I can do so I don't seem so excited and super interested? How do I get out of my head? I feel like I'm becoming so socially awkward.

Wow this was a very vulnerable post to write.

September 7, 2016

And guys complain about "mixed signals"........

Showing your interest, from what has been posted on LS, is a good thing.

September 7, 2016

It would be so refreshing to encounter someone like you. Where there were no guessing, and no games. Keep on being you.

September 7, 2016

It would be so refreshing to encounter someone like you. Where there were no guessing, and no games. Keep on being you.

Agreed... and no sh!*

September 7, 2016

You sound delightful to date.

Guys who aren't into you may well be put off (and who cares about them!). But the guys who are into you will think you are a breath of fresh air.

September 7, 2016

Coming from a guy, you should not change at all. I would 100% rather go on a date with someone who actually looks and behaves interested when they actually are interested. Men are not mind readers.

September 7, 2016

You're lovely.

Don't worry about it

September 7, 2016

This is something I struggle with too. Thinking I show "too much interest" but it's just how I am when I genuinely like someone. I'm more smiley, talkative, affectionate and bring up issues that bother me and try to address them head on. Sometimes I worry about this looking like I'm "clingy" or overly interested.

I had a guy say to me something along the lines of "well it's good to know you like me so much".. After I brought up an issue that was bothering me. I'm not sure if he was being facetious or what. But I am who I am and If guys don't like a girl who is smiling and "being obvious" that they like them, than they can go be miserable and find some girl that plays head games if that suits their fancy.

September 7, 2016

Ahhhh, you guys are the best! Thank you so much, I was starting to get in my head and getting worried I was weird and seeming desperate. Thank you so much much love!! I'll keep on being my simple affectionate silly self

September 7, 2016

I can see where it would put off guys who know they're not serious and don't want you to get that excited, but so what? Being smiley will attract more guys, so it's a good thing. I do worry a bit that you might attract more of a type who are too fearful to ask anyone else out because they think your smile is specifically for them and they are encouraged by it, but that's a minor problem. You can simply say no if you're not interested and happen to reel in more fish than you can handle!

September 7, 2016

Preraph - that's so true what you said about guys being put off who aren't too serious to begin with. I think that's what I've been dealing with and that's probably why I thought me seeming super interested and excited is why I wasn't getting asked out again maybe. Because I seemed weird or way too interested in person. But perhaps you're right, they weren't serious to begin with.

September 8, 2016

I'm just going to be the voice of reality a little bit. I do think with a guy that's equal in value to you, you do have to be a little careful about seeming or appearing over eager. It's just a reality of life that if you are too eager/too available, people don't recognize your value as much as they would if you weren't giving it away so freely.

That said, smiley is not a bad thing at all. Neither is having fun doing whatever you spend your time doing (including with any new guy). I do think you need to put a portion of yourself on "reserve" and release IN RESPONSE to good effort, etc from the guy. That way he feels that it was he who unlocked you and generated these good feelings, good responses in you. I'm not wording it well but hopefully you get it. Most importantly, don't let any worry about being too interested or controlling what your interest appears like overrule your confidence. If you must default to anything because you get overwhelmed and confused about how to act, default to the confident move.

I normally like to promote and advise being positive and happy (especially on a date! )--but not gonna lie to you if some of what you are doing makes you seem over-eager, it could backfire on you. Unfortunately, it's not always as simple AS if he were the guy for you or his feelings were strong enough, nothing you could do could influence him AWAY from you. Sometimes that happens--because it's often a factor of who figures it out first and what is the level of their interest, which is a fluid, evolving thing. It's not some fixed point that they've settled on in the future, ie they know for sure that they want to be with you. Try not to overthink, match their level of interest/effort. Good luck

September 8, 2016

Versace-thanks I see what you're saying and that was my concern. So if that might be case, how do I back off a little and not smile and be so giddy and everything he says?

September 8, 2016

Versace-thanks I see what you're saying and that was my concern. So if that might be case, how do I back off a little and not smile and be so giddy and everything he says?

Tough question kinda. I think if you are smiley, positive, fun and excited and have a tough time kinda controlling it or matching him then make sure that's a factor of being a part of your whole persona (for real, not fake). Like show him it is how you are with all experiences and enjoying your life. That will keep it in check, where he will interpret it as just a part of who you are. Like be nice to other people around you and engaged and engaging so that he will understand this is just a good part of who you ARE-- not that you are OVERLY eager about him. Make that clear. You also can make that clear by showing that you are someone who is proactive in her life rather than reactive. That way he will know if you are giddy that's a factor of who YOU are rather than being desperate or over excited to be with him. A good way to dial down giddyness, to me, would be to on the date be evaluating why you would want to be with him as if the question is not a final answer yet. Part of the giddyness comes and shows up to him as if you've already decided which gives him nothing to prove to you and can be a little overwhelming to be on the receiving end of. It's not the giddyness itself but more the fact that you've chosen him as the ONE.

I think part of the reason the giddyness might come up (if you are honest with yourself) is BECAUSE you have decided you see further down the road with him. Just stay in the moment. There are always subtle clues in the way a person phrases things, intonation and body language that show what you have in mind or be interpreted that way. I think it's smart for 100 reasons not to jump too far ahead of yourself. Most importantly, not to mess things up with a guy who could turn out to be a good thing. I will steal what Bailey said on another thread tonight. At the beginning it's important to be patient. That shows you KNOW you are worthy and he must prove he is worthy in order to make his way into your life. You can still show that you are enjoying life and a fun date who enjoys fun and has a good time and be patient at the same time--part of how you do that is stay in the moment. Giddyness and excitement are expressed as part of who you are, not necessarily who you HOPE this person will turn out to be--make sense?

That said, it's super important to show that you appreciate the dates you go on and the time you spend with a guy you are interested in. You can do both. I'm a little nervous to "try" to explain more--i don't want you to change who you are or be paralyzed by this new information, plus all of this doesn't take into account that people's personalities vary as well as partners' preferences.

Good luck

September 8, 2016

My friend has a motto for dating that I have used all the time.

For each date, you just need to have fun and decide if you like him enough to see him again. That helps me to stay in the moment, not get too far ahead of myself.

And I agree with versacehottie, try to match his interest/energy. I also think it's good to hold just a little something back initially. As you get to know him and when you know he likes you, then you show him a little more. It's a little bit like flirting... It makes dating a little more fun!

September 8, 2016

Versace - such great advice but it seems so complex. I feel like I'm already in my head so much during dates about whether my eyeliner is running or if I seem weird etc, it's hard to add all this. It just seems so hard to be anyone else but me even if that is just a slightly more reserved version of me. Ideally, yes, I am chatty and playful with everyone, and I would love for my date to see that I'm just not like that with him. But it's hard to interact with multiple people on a date so he can see that, considering a date is usually one on one.

But I agree you are on to something. Because I feel like lately, maybe I come across super eager because I feel like I don't get asked out for a 2nd date as much anymore. And thinking back on my dating history, the guys who have ever really liked me, I have never really liked them back(so I probably wasn't as smiley and more reserved). And the guys I have liked, don't like me. Except one of my exes, he loved me exactly the way I was, as outgoing and smiley and interested as I seemed. Dating seems so hard lately, with all these rules. Dancing the right dance, showing the right amount of reserve and interest.

This guy I went on a date with last weekend, he's like 6-7 years younger than me, and although I didn't really want anything serious out of it considering we are so different, I felt like the date went well. I laughed so much, felt so much chemistry, he asked to extend the date after drinks and said we should hang out again. But now post date, I feel like we aren't texting that much, and he hasn't asked me out again etc. I don't know, either I'm ugly or I just come across too eager. It would just be so nice to be able to be myself and be loved for it and vice versa. Anyway, thanks for all the input guys

September 8, 2016

Or maybe you are a delight, but there wasn't personal chemistry. Just because a date went well doesn't always mean a second date.

my experience I was asked out again at the end of the first date.

September 8, 2016

He did kinda ask me out again at the end of it, not with specific plans, but as he hugged me, he said "we should do this again." Which is pretty generic politeness, so yeah probably not a real asked out. Yeah, I guess you're right, maybe no chemistry on his end, we are pretty different and I don't think either of us was looking for anything serious with each other. oh well.

September 8, 2016

Ya don't buy those kind of pleasantries at the end of the date. It should be a solid, "Dinner and a movie tomorrow? I'll call you"

September 9, 2016

Hi, this might seem like a silly question, but bear with me.

So I've been dating a bit and I find that in general(with anyone), when I like a guy or im having a good time, I get so carried away and get in my head so much during it. I'm always laughing, everything I'm saying comes out with a smile on my face. I get so excited, it's obvious. Which may sound like a good thing, but it just makes me seem so odd and way too interested and eager at times. I think maybe I just start liking the guy and I can't help it, I get carried away and excited.

But I just want to be normal and not have a smile on my face 24/7 even when he asks what I do for a living. I feel like I used to not have this problem previously when I'm younger. But now as I've gotten older, I don't know, maybe I'm just getting so used to texting or desperate or socially awkward or something, that i find myself having trouble with this and just appearing "normal". I try to just be myself, but what are some good techniques or things that I can do so I don't seem so excited and super interested? How do I get out of my head? I feel like I'm becoming so socially awkward.

Wow this was a very vulnerable post to write.

I know what you're talking about OP. You reminded me so much of myself when I read your post.

I think I have the same problem actually.

My natural personality is one that is someone who is very nice, smiling, laughing/giggling all the time, and just being generally easy-going. When I'm around guys that I'm interested, I find that I can easily let it "all hang out" a little too easily and come across as SUPER duper interested.

Honestly? I think it starts to turn the guys off. The reason why I say this is because when I first meet a guy, I'm usually more reserved (I'm actually more shy/reserved by nature). I'm friendly, but just more "calm" and try to figure what this person is all about. But once I start to develop feelings for the guy and start to crush on him, all of a sudden I let my guard down and I become super eager I think. Then, all of a sudden, a guy who USED to be treating me like I was something special now starts to act hot and cold with me, or he'll act weirded out or something.

I'm guessing that it's my demeanor that has changed because my physical appearance hasn't changed.

I hate to say it, but I think it DOES make the guy feel a little bit of pressure when the woman seems overly smitten with him from jump. Guys like to EARN your affection/respect/adoration...they don't usually like it just blindly handed out, because then it doesn't feel like they've earned it. Guys, correct me if I'm wrong lol.

I'm not saying they like girls who act like B's, but more like they prefer when women are friendly, open, and receptive, but still hold something back a little bit. Not only does it add to the "mystery", but it also makes the guy realize that you're special and aren't easily impressed. It makes your value go up imo.

Now, I could be totally wrong, but this has just been my personal experience.

Personally, I HATE feeling like I have to be someone that I'm not. Now days I've gone the complete opposite and now treat guys that I'm interested in with a very reserved demeanor. I'm still nice, but I just tone it down a little bit. I try not to get so giggly as well. I think part of it is just nervousness on my part.

I hate feeling like I'm suppressing a part of me that comes naturally, but maybe it's just one of those things where you have to sort of be an onion. Eventually you can show your TRUE bubbly side, but maybe he has to get to know you a little better first before you show him THAT part of you.

Plus, keep in mind...guys are sooo finicky. They can really LIKE you one minute, and then decide you're not what they're looking for the next. They aren't like us women. We women usually tend to stick to a guy as soon as we've decided that we like him. Once we've decided that we like you, we're pretty loyal. Guys...not so much. You can say the wrong thing and he can get the wrong impression about you, and BAM! He stops contacting you. His assumption may even be completely FALSE about you, but because he thought xyz, he doesn't wish to continue further. Oh and that doesn't even include the scenario when an ex-gf comes back into the picture, or if he finds a girl he happens to like MORE. You become old news.

It's sad, but it's true.

Tough question kinda. I think if you are smiley, positive, fun and excited and have a tough time kinda controlling it or matching him then make sure that's a factor of being a part of your whole persona (for real, not fake). Like show him it is how you are with all experiences and enjoying your life. That will keep it in check, where he will interpret it as just a part of who you are. Like be nice to other people around you and engaged and engaging so that he will understand this is just a good part of who you ARE-- not that you are OVERLY eager about him. Make that clear. You also can make that clear by showing that you are someone who is proactive in her life rather than reactive. That way he will know if you are giddy that's a factor of who YOU are rather than being desperate or over excited to be with him. A good way to dial down giddyness, to me, would be to on the date be evaluating why you would want to be with him as if the question is not a final answer yet. Part of the giddyness comes and shows up to him as if you've already decided which gives him nothing to prove to you and can be a little overwhelming to be on the receiving end of. It's not the giddyness itself but more the fact that you've chosen him as the ONE.

I think part of the reason the giddyness might come up (if you are honest with yourself) is BECAUSE you have decided you see further down the road with him. Just stay in the moment. There are always subtle clues in the way a person phrases things, intonation and body language that show what you have in mind or be interpreted that way. I think it's smart for 100 reasons not to jump too far ahead of yourself. Most importantly, not to mess things up with a guy who could turn out to be a good thing. I will steal what Bailey said on another thread tonight. At the beginning it's important to be patient. That shows you KNOW you are worthy and he must prove he is worthy in order to make his way into your life. You can still show that you are enjoying life and a fun date who enjoys fun and has a good time and be patient at the same time--part of how you do that is stay in the moment. Giddyness and excitement are expressed as part of who you are, not necessarily who you HOPE this person will turn out to be--make sense?

That said, it's super important to show that you appreciate the dates you go on and the time you spend with a guy you are interested in. You can do both. I'm a little nervous to "try" to explain more--i don't want you to change who you are or be paralyzed by this new information, plus all of this doesn't take into account that people's personalities vary as well as partners' preferences.

Good luck

This is GREAT advice. And I completely agree with you. I've heard guys say the same exact thing.

Versace - such great advice but it seems so complex. I feel like I'm already in my head so much during dates about whether my eyeliner is running or if I seem weird etc, it's hard to add all this. It just seems so hard to be anyone else but me even if that is just a slightly more reserved version of me. Ideally, yes, I am chatty and playful with everyone, and I would love for my date to see that I'm just not like that with him. But it's hard to interact with multiple people on a date so he can see that, considering a date is usually one on one.

But I agree you are on to something. Because I feel like lately, maybe I come across super eager because I feel like I don't get asked out for a 2nd date as much anymore. And thinking back on my dating history, the guys who have ever really liked me, I have never really liked them back(so I probably wasn't as smiley and more reserved). And the guys I have liked, don't like me. Except one of my exes, he loved me exactly the way I was, as outgoing and smiley and interested as I seemed. Dating seems so hard lately, with all these rules. Dancing the right dance, showing the right amount of reserve and interest.

This guy I went on a date with last weekend, he's like 6-7 years younger than me, and although I didn't really want anything serious out of it considering we are so different, I felt like the date went well. I laughed so much, felt so much chemistry, he asked to extend the date after drinks and said we should hang out again. But now post date, I feel like we aren't texting that much, and he hasn't asked me out again etc. I don't know, either I'm ugly or I just come across too eager. It would just be so nice to be able to be myself and be loved for it and vice versa. Anyway, thanks for all the input guys

1) Could you perhaps maybe suggest a group outing with some friends? Maybe a group outing? You can bring a friend or two, and he can bring a friend or two. Seems like it would be a LOT less pressure. Maybe an activity like an amusement park or a movie, or just something that's not so formal like dinner would make both of you more at ease...especially if you're around your friends already. Just a thought. Who says dates should ALWAYS only be one-on-one??

2) Oh girl....been there.... I totally feel your pain. Yea it seems like the guys I really like never like me back, and the ones that I don't like end up liking me. I think you're right. Maybe it does have something to do with our demeanor. But I still think that the RIGHT guy for you will love your personality just the way it is.

3) Well, if he hasn't been texting much then by all means, don't dwell too much on him. Just chalk it up to him not being the right one for you. Now you're FREE to go find the guy who IS right for you. Personally? I think you might want to try to see if you can catch the eye of some guys who are more reserved or even shy in their natural demeanor. The reason why I say this is because I find that usually shy guys actually APPRECIATE a girl who's more outgoing/bubbly/and seems INTERESTED in them. They like that the girl can be so open with her feelings and not feel inhibited. It's a stark contrast to how they are, and as you know....opposites attract! I personally have found that more shy guys aren't usually as "scared off" or "weirded out" by my friendly and bubbly nature. They don't seem to care if I seem "too interested". They're probably just glad a girl showed interest in them in the first place lol. Just a thought. Go where your personality type/look/humor/values, etc. are appreciated. Stop wasting time on guys who don't appreciate you. I say this for myself as well.

September 10, 2016

One easy way to show that any outgoingness or bubbly-ness is part of who you are is to be like that to service people that you come in contact with on the date--waiters/waitresses, bartenders, valets, other strangers. You don't even need to be on a group date but that is also a good idea.

Plus showing these qualities, typically makes you more attractive to the guy not less.

I've liked being in group settings with his friends especially because he can step back and see how much other people enjoy my company and how I make lots of people feel special. Honestly, it's never not worked

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