Struggling to cope with jealousy......

[sazzietheleo]

Hello everyone!

 

I've joined this forum today as i am in a bit of a state.

 

I am currently undergoing therapy (CBT) and have had major anxiety for 10+ years. Since

a child i have gone through a lot of abuse - physical and mental, have always felt like an outsider. I have wonderful friends but i have always been the "odd girl" to most.

 

I have had four major relationships. All ended badly (either by them cheating or just leaving). I have always found it hard to be affectionate and say "i love you" and i'm aware that this has caused problems. I have not been able to share past experiences with them and have always found it impossible to trust anyone.

 

Two years ago i met, purely by accident (literally - we crashed into each others cars), the most amazing man. We instantly clicked and started spending a lot of time together. i was a different person with him - i was myself, and we shared so much. He claimed to feel the same way. We were both honest about how we felt with regards to the future and agreed to be exclusive, but not do any promises or major commitment or anything like that. We admitted to loving each other, which made us both feel vulnerable and things were a little shaky at times. But at others it worked perfectly as i am very independent and like my space. I realised i had never truly loved before.

 

However. To cut a very long story short, he has BPD and is basically completely unable

to be in any kind of a relationship. We agreed to call it a day back in March as his constant mood swings (sometimes several per day) got so bad that he cut off contact with me for two months, quit his job and basically spent the two months drinking, feeling suicidal.

 

I would sporadically check in on him via text, and eventually he came out from under his black cloud and we started talking again. He told me that he was very concerned that he was hurting me too much and that he couldn't give me what i need (which is true) and that any kind of intimacy or affection made him go into an anxious, destructive tailspin.

 

The therapist i am seeing knows all this and - rather oddly - completely understands why we are trying very hard to stay friends. We need each other. We understand each other

and only feel at "home" in each others company.

 

We see each other maybe once a week, but have changed the set-up. No more weekends where we may drink and end up in bed. We're trying to be sensible - we don't talk all day on text like we used to. But i'm finding it hard because i love him so very much, and know that in his own way, he loves me too, but it simply cannot be.

 

The problem i'm currently facing is my jealousy. He's just gone away for the weekend with his brothers to see other family in a big city where i know the three of them party like crazy. It is a completely normal thing for a young, cute single guy to go out and hook up with a beautiful girl, and i know that if he does, he wouldn't be doing anything wrong.

 

But the thought of it sends me crazy. Imagining him with someone else is almost crippling.

 

I have a feeling a lot of you may say or think "you've got to stop all contact" but it's simply not an option. The only time i don't feel anxious is when i'm with him.

 

My pride is very, very strong and i think that it is that which may be extremely dented.

 

Anyone have any thoughts/advice about how to "let it go"?

 

So sorry for the extremely long rant - it's just a rather complex, and sad, situation.

 

Enjoy your evening!!!

Sazzietheleo xx

[Satu]

Welcome to Loveshack.

 

 

Jealousy isn't about other people.

 

It's a consequence of how you feel about yourself.

 

 

Take care.

[Heatemyheart89]

Hello

Ahh jealousy is not good . A good thing to do would be to focus on yourself.

You have said you want no contact , but this man does have a personality disorder(or mental health issue) , which must be hard to deal with . I think you have to take care of you , plan something for yourself .

 

You say you are having cbt , have you had any other kind of therapy ? Psychotherapy may suit you (cbt didn't help me , but it may help you though)

Good luck !

[sazzietheleo]

Both of your answers do make perfect sense, thank you.

 

I am trying to concentrate on myself but unfortunately have other major issues going on - one family, one work, that have caused my anxiety to go through the roof, so it's hard.

 

Unfortunately there is no psychotherapy available that i can afford where i live, so am sticking with the CBT and "love yourself" self-help books.

 

I guess i'm just struggling with a broken heart?

 

But thank you xxx

[NotASkunk]

Definitely discuss your feelings of jealousy with your therapist! Talking about it can help a lot. Jealousy can absolutely destroy a relationship when it is not warranted. Best of luck to you and your situation.