Friend is in love with me and is ruining my love life

[Criasa]

Hi there, I am having relationship issues with my best friend. I have been trying to fix this on my own for a couple years now but I keep going around in a circle, never truly solving the problem.

 

My friend and I have known each other for three years. We have always been really close and she means so much to me. She is bisexual and I am a lesbian. After a year of knowing each other we began to develop feelings for one another. I asked her about being in a relationship but she told me if I wasn't okay with being in an open relationship we shouldn't be together because she is sure she would cheat on me. She says she's young and wants to have fun without being tied down to one person. She doesn't want to hurt me and would rather wait until she's ready to settle down. I acceped that and moved on.

 

We've never been in a relationship but she constantly talks bout being in love with me and wanting to marry me when she's ready. She called me babe, kissed me on the lips, cuddled with me, and we often slept in the same bed. It has always been an odd situation but I was fine with it. We both did our own thing and we slept with whoever we wanted with no issues. This changed when I started dating other women instead of just having sex with them. I noticed she would get very jealous and nosey about who I was dating. She was genuinely confused as to why I was dating other women when we planned on ending up together. I made it very clear to her that I was open to a relationship with her but I was never going to sit around and wait either. She pretended to be okay with that but I knew she wasn't. Every single woman I dated was harassed by her. She has literally scared every girl I liked away except one. This one girl is the one I'm in a relationship with now.

 

My friend behaved quite well when she found out the girl I am with wasn't going to be scared off. This went completely out the window recently. Since we've gotten quite serious, my friend seems to be freaking out. My girlfriend has often spoken about marriage and children in the presence of my friend which triggered my crazy, psycho best friend once again. She gives my girlfriend dirty looks, tries to get touchy with me in her presence, and says that she'll always come before my girlfriend. She's also been very demanding of my time. She'll call me every time she gets upset about something (which is all the time) and try cuddling with me when I show up to help her. I know I shouldn't give in but she had a dark history. She was physically and sexually abused by her parents, is an alcoholic and has attempted suicide in the past. I don't want to not show up one day and find out she's done something stupid or that I'll never see her again.

 

The other night she called me balling her eyes out asking for my help. This was the same night I was taking my gf to Spain for her birthday. We were both really excited to go but my friend sounded terrible, I needed to make sure she was okay. I was sure we still would have ended up in Spain but my gf wasn't having any of it. She said she would break up with me if I went. I took the risk and went anyway. She ended up going to Spain with her little sister. When I arrived at my friend's house she was drinking wine while sitting on the floor. I could see that was crying When I asked her what was wrong, she blamed everything on me. That it was my fault she started drinking because she thinks I betrayed her. I just ended up throwing away the alcohol and getting her to bed.

 

My gf called me and said we should talk when she gets home and that I have to make a decision. I want to have my own life, I want to get married and adopt kids, I want to move on. I also don't want to leave my friend. I love her more than I could ever love anyone but she's a handful and she may never be ready to settle down. I'm worried that she'll never be able to raise children because of her personality and other psychological issues. I'm afraid I'll be stuck taking care of my broken friend for the rest of my life. I'm honestly confused about what to do now. I can't leave her. I need to make sure she goes to AA, get to her therapist, stay off alcohol and drugs, and prevent her from harming herself. Nobody else can monitor her. I understand that sometimes you need to put yourself first but this is serious. If she were to do something to herself I would be guilty. I know this is a bit of a long story but if you were in my situation what would you do? Stay with you SO or take care of your manipulative friend.

[Icould]

It's a really bad position for you, but as much as I hate to say it you gotta do what's right for you. You would've been in a relationship already with your friend if she didn't want her cake and eat it.

 

If you want to be happy you are gonna have to leave your friend or you may be left with no-one. You're friend will just have to seek medical help, it's not healthy you carrying the burden "what if she does something" who's to say she won't anyways? You will get worn out with the strain shes having on you.

 

What happens if she gets her own way this time? you're trapped? If she gets between you and you're SO you might hate her anyways?

 

I do feel for you, it's not a good place to be. I know you don't want anything bad happening to your friend but you sound like her babysitter she can call whenever and you will drop everything. You sound like a really good friend who is being taken advantage of your kindness.

[jen1447]

It sounds like you've already made your decision and your friend is your priority. That's fine but you'll only tie yourself in knots trying to believe you can have it both ways bc you can't. That means make the hard choice about your GF.

 

Personally I'd try to establish much firmer boundaries w your friend - tell her you know exactly what she's up to w the sabotage et al and break the cycle. Wouldn't be easy but determination always wins in the end.

 

I'm bisexual too btw. Also poly - is there no chance you could have romantic relationships w both? Anyway yeah frankly that's one thing about being women who love women - the concept of traditional friendship pretty much goes out the window.

[salparadise]

I want to have my own life, I want to get married and adopt kids, I want to move on.

 

And you're going to need a stable partner to have a fulfilling life, aren't you?

 

I also don't want to leave my friend. I love her more than I could ever love anyone but she's a handful and she may never be ready to settle down.

 

You know who she is, how she is, and you know exactly what life with her would be like. Some things are mutually exclusive and all you can do is accept it.

 

I'm worried that she'll never be able to raise children because of her personality and other psychological issues. I'm afraid I'll be stuck taking care of my broken friend for the rest of my life.

 

Worried? As opposed to being confident that she'll just wake up one day and be the person you wish she would be? You're not worried, you're indulging a fantasy. You know the reality and are doing your best to deny it.

 

I'm honestly confused about what to do now. I can't leave her. I need to make sure she goes to AA, get to her therapist, stay off alcohol and drugs, and prevent her from harming herself. Nobody else can monitor her. I understand that sometimes you need to put yourself first but this is serious. If she were to do something to herself I would be guilty.

 

Nope. You are wrong about every item in this paragraph. You can certainly leave her and have a healthy relationship. In fact you'll have to if you want to have a life of your own. She is not your responsibility even though she seems to have convinced you otherwise. You can't abstain from alcohol for her, you can't make her go to therapy or be her therapist. You can't keep her from harming herself. Dedicating your life to her dysfunction won't accomplish any of these things. It will just mean that two lives are destroyed. Her's will be a miserable existence no matter what. You can only save yourself.

 

I know this is a bit of a long story but if you were in my situation what would you do? Stay with you SO or take care of your manipulative friend.

 

For starters, you need to get into therapy so you can get your priorities straight, integrate some rational thinking, decision making skills, accept what must be accepted, and be prepared to deal with the inevitable.

 

Your life is valuable. You are entitled to your dreams, and to take your best shot at living a productive, fulfilling life. You befriended a broken person, but you didn't take an oath of mutual brokenness. You didn't give her the right to make your choices for you. You are completely separate people. She needs to learn to function in the world independently of you.

 

From what you wrote I don't know if you'll be able to remain friends. You're going to have to distance from her and enforce boundaries at a minimum. It's more likely that you'll have to cut ties to her altogether because she is too manipulative and you are too codependent.

 

I realize that you care for her and that makes it complicated. I am just telling you what you need to hear straight up. I wish there was a way accomplish the two opposing things at once, but I don't think there is. You can try to be compassionate, but I think you have to let her go to save yourself.

[preraph]

This is no different than any other triangle relationship. She loves you but you don't reciprocate in that way, but you're holding on to her so as not to lose a friend. But she's in love and she thinks she can outlast everyone and you'll finally just have to be with her. Meanwhile, she'll run off anyone she possibly can and you can bet she's telling everyone you two are a couple behind your back to prevent everything she can.

 

You can't let a third person who wants you to stay in your life, at least when you are dating other people. It's really not humane at any time. She is never going to move on unless you make her.

[Criasa]

Thanks for the replies. I guess I posted here as a last desperate attempt to sort my head out. It doesn't matter who gives me advice, friends, family or strangers. I know I should put myself first, but I don't know if I can. I know if something happened to her I would never forgive myself and she would always be at the back of my mind for the rest of my life. She makes me so happy even though she's a pain in the ass, haha. I think I've made the decision to call it off with my gf so I can direct all my attention towards my friend. My mind is all over the place so I could change my mind two days from now for all I know. Thanks again, and if anyone else wants to chime in please do, different perspectives can be very helpful

[Gloria25]

I'm sorry, but I wouldn't keep this girl in my life - not as a "lover", "friend", "SO"...nothing.

 

She seems very selfish and self-serving. I consider a "friend" someone who has a certain set of kindness, values, character, etc...your "friend" falls ten stories short in my book.

[Erik30]

I think what she really meant with an "open relationship" is actually only her being the one who is also dating other people. Probably guys since she's bisexual, so that would be okay in her mind. She didn't expect you would be seeing other girls

[preraph]

Well, if you're ready to dump a girlfriend for a psycho platonic friend, then if you're going to do it, you need to DATE the psycho friend and make a big attempt to make it work with her romantically. Then when that blows up, let her go.