klandes Posted July 5, 2005 Posted July 5, 2005 I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 yrs, we were practically living together. However, we've been fighting constantly and it was just so hard to actually enjoy a night out. So we both agree in taking some time off. After a week from not seeing e/other, we met and he invited me to his best buddy's wedding and we all had a lot of fun, or so i thought. After that he hasn't been calling as often, and the last time i saw him by coincidence was a week ago and he was wasted, came up to me and told me how i'm not affectionate enough, how he thinks that i don't seem loving or caring and never show him any affection when i'm around his friends or in a public place, as if i'm embarrased by being seen w/ him. Totally not true -this took me by surprise somewhat, but he once told me that he's not a fan of PDA, so i figured that it would embarrass him if i gave him a kiss or hugged him in front of his buddies, but apparently he was only talking about crazy horny-make-out sessions... why can't they come with instructions?!! I'm not sure if this is HIM talking or his buddies / brother filling his head with such doubts about my love for him. We haven't spoken since Saturday, when he called me at 2am to see if i was out. I missed his calls and called him at 4am. And told him that since he hasn't return my calls nor showed any interest in hanging out, that maybe it's too late, we need to communicate, he said his phone ran out of batteries and was working, and bla bla...excuses, he told me he doesn't wanna talk about it, he said 'i love you' and we hung up. He hasn't called back since. Haven't seen him in a week, and I've been calling him since Sunday, and now i'm worried, i know it's been 2 days but, it's really not like him to not call back. Today I decided to leave him a voicemail finally - So i told him that we needed to talk, that i'm a bit worried something actually might've happened to him, i said that i love him and that he needs to be clear and straightforward about what he wants to do and that if he wanted more time he should tell me so, and that the last thing i wanna do is pressure him to do anything against his will, but he needs to come up and talk about it and stop playing silly games. Was it a huge mistake to call him and express my thoughts out to him? I don't know if he met someone else, or he's actually punishing me for not being the perfect" girlfriend. I feel like he's slowly trying to pull away, but scared about how to go about it, but he had more than 2 weeks to figure out his true feelings, and now i'm at a point where i either wanna work it out or move on. I've been hanging out with my friends after so long and it feels nice, but at the same time guys come up to me and all i think about is my BF. I feel he thinks i'm like his safety net. I need advice asap! i'm like minutes away from calling his home #, and i CANNOT let my fingers do this.
Pyro Posted July 5, 2005 Posted July 5, 2005 Hi klandes. Wow, story of my life, somewhat. Your situation sounds somewhat like the one I had with my ex. My ex tended to ignore me when we got into fights, for days at a time. I always went out of my way to try and contact her. I left voice mails, text messages. I even drove to her house and left notes. You have tried numerous times to get a hold of him and he has ignored you. Step back. Let him cool off, think things through and contact you. Unfortunately, I don't have a true answer to your question. Every situation is different. He may need some time to think things through and vent, or he is just a coward and is afraid to end it with you, if that is what he wants. I learned that a relationship can only work if it's a 50/50 effort. My problem was that I tried too much and I think that she was always expecting me to do most of the work. If he is not willing to call back or try to work things out, you need to realize that you can do better and that you can find someone that will put as much effort into the relationship as you. That is what keeps my head high, because I know that I am capable of meeting someone who cares as much as i do. He is suppose to be your best friend. He shouldn't have to hide anything from you or ignore you. He shouldn't play games with you. If it so happens that he is just punishing you for not being the "perfect" GF or he met someone else and is afraid to tell you, then he doesn't deserve you. His loss. He is just plain immature. I apologize for writing so much, but I hope that I have been a help somewhat. Good luck to you.
smile95 Posted July 5, 2005 Posted July 5, 2005 That is what keeps my head high, because I know that I am capable of meeting someone who cares as much as i do. How do you convince yourself of this. After my breakup I am so low on the self esteem. My ex ignores me to punsih me I feel. he is doing it now actually. Sadly, I have expected it. I think he does it so that I chase him and his ego is fed. Just try backing off and he will wonder where you are. If he truly loves you, he will come for you. I know it hurts. But do not let him control you like I let mine do to me. Iam paying for it now. If you chase him, he will just love it. You have said all you can. Let him come to you. For me, no matter what I said to him in messages, he came around in his own time. Nothing I could say would make him call.
Pyro Posted July 5, 2005 Posted July 5, 2005 How do I convince myself of that? I look at myself in the mirror and tell myself that I am a good person. I have this and that going for me. If someone doesn't want to be a part of that, then f*ck them. I know, easier said then done. It took me years to reach this point. Growing up, I had very low self-esteem. You need to take care of yourself first and make yourself happy. After a breakup, it is very difficult. That is part of life. Beth, don't let your ex get the best of you. Back off and let him play the chasing game, that is if what he wants to do. You should respect yourself more then that. Don't let him get the last laugh. Forget about him and move on. I know it can be tough, but I know that you can do it.
smile95 Posted July 5, 2005 Posted July 5, 2005 thanks...I have to find myself again. He overtook my whole self. Ilived my life waiting on his calls. I raelly am breaking this crazy cycle we are in. I am glad that you are proof that life goes on. Ijust have a hard time understanding that I will find someone that I connect with again.
Pyro Posted July 5, 2005 Posted July 5, 2005 Your welcome. I am glad to help anyone that has been in my situation before because it plain stunk. My very first love sounds like your situation. I lived my life around hers. When it ended, I was devestated. I wasn't sure how I was able to move on. It happens though. Two things, as you mentioned, life goes on. There are millions of people out there. You have plenty of time to meet Mr. Beth5201. Two: I am not sure how you feel about self-help books, but I can suggest one that really helped my self-esteem out. It made me realize my strong points and that I am capable of doing better.
smile95 Posted July 6, 2005 Posted July 6, 2005 I would love any suggstions......Ihave read them all on letting go, but I think the root of my problem stems from low self esteem from my first "wonderful" boyfriend who told me I was fat when I was 110 and 5'7". It sticks with me ya know? I realize I need to work on myself. My hapiness depended on him and when he would ignore me(like now) I would first assume I did something wrong or I was not pretty enough or smart enough. Each time he would call again....he would tell me he loved me and I would feel better. I do not want to depend on the approcal of others, but somehow I do. Everyone but me thinks that I am attractive and thin and smart and sweet, everyone but me. I just think that if I am, why am I single. I have been thru a lot, but I have to take some of the blame. How long did it take for you to get over that one that broke your heart. If I had more experience with breakups I would be ok. My first was 5 yrs and then this one was 3. So I am not sure what a healthy relationship is. I was always asking people"should he be calling and seeing how Iam when I am sick, or is that too needy of me" or "should he be calling to check on me after I take a long driving trip" My friends thought I was nuts for no knowing the answers to that, but I had never had that? So how would I know???
Pyro Posted July 6, 2005 Posted July 6, 2005 5'7" and 110 pounds? Was your ex on crack? How could anyone say that you are fat? What a load of BS. Sorry for getting excited, but that is outrageous. Self-esteem is a big factor. This is just an idea off the top of my head, but talk to the one's that care about you the most (friends and family) and ask them what they like about you. Write them down and look at the list frequently. Memorize them and that should help out. My problem was that I too always depended on the approval of others. The only advice that I can tell you is just that it takes time. I can't explain it, but one day I started having the attitude that "why does it matter what everyone else thinks? They aren't living my life. Only my opinion matters." Now I don't know what you look like but I can assure you that you are very beautiful and attractive. Those who fail to see it are just plain stupid. I consider myself a catch and I am currently single. I believe that it takes time to meet the right one. It just can't happen overnight. You will meet someone when you least expect it. That is how it works for me. For me, it took many months to get over my ex. I was young and immature then. Had i had the experience and self-esteem that i do now, it would have been less time. Beth, I had the same problem with esteem. My ex that we are referring to, when she got mad at me, she would call me names and call me "stupid" and other things. It really hurt because I thought that this girl was my best friend. She even made comments about me not being the most attractive BF that she ever had and stuff like that. I was crazy and dumb for sticking around like that. To me, a healthy relationship is good communication, very very little jealousy, honesty, and love. Can't get anymore simpler then that. Every relationship is unique. If it were me, I would be calling to make sure that my GF made it through her trip OK or to see how she is feeling. Some relationships are more laid back though. If it bothered you that he never called, you should have talked to him and said that you know, it would make me feel so much better if I got a call from the one I love to make sure that I made it through a trip OK or that I was feeling better. I know that it takes all meaning away when you have to tell him, but communication is the only way to let him know how you feel and to make things beeter in the future. As for the book, it is entitled "People Skills". It teaches you how to assert yourself, listen to others, and resolve conflicts. For me, it helped me realize what some of my good qualities are. It made me realize that I am a very good communicator and listener. It also helped me how to have a conversation/debate with others without arguing. This may not apply to you but it is a suggestion.
smile95 Posted July 6, 2005 Posted July 6, 2005 I did tell him how I loved to hear from him. We were long dist, so I never saw him -calls were all we had. I remember I moved across the country 3 yrs ago. Picked up and left my state for another. He called the night before(and I told him several times when I was leaving)told him i was packing and he said "for what". I told him and he said he would call me later. He never did. All my friends called and wished me luck and to call if i needed them. He did not. I had to call him to tell him i made it on the 8 hr drive. I was hurt. I was always hurt. Not that I'm materialistic AT ALL, but I never got b-day gifts or even cards or even an email. Nothing for xmas or not even a call on v-day. In mis eyes these were "hallmark holidays" -of course he had no problem accepting the gifts i got him. looking back he was very selfish. He never was verablly abusive, but emotionally. h always told me how proud he was to be with me and said just two weks ago that he will "win" me back from anyone that snatches me up. Everyone tells me what a catch I am and people are shocked when they hear I am 28-no kids -never married. Like it is odd? I guess I am just waiting for the right one? I thought he was it. All my dreams are shot. He is just really good with words and I fall all the time. This isthe 6th time he has ignored me for more than a month and then we got back in contact and the craziness started all over. I am just tired of being so sad. 3 yrs and about 1 of those were good. The rest I made up in my head. I finally see that I have toend this cycle. I have todo something different. I just love to hear that he loves me and that is my downfall!
Author klandes Posted July 6, 2005 Author Posted July 6, 2005 Thanks guys for the replies, but you see we haven't broken up, or he hasn't said anything about it, so should i just think we're over and move on? This is my first serious relationship and i haven't experience this before. I wish he could just speak up and tell me if he wants to end things, instead of letting it linger, it's the not- knowing that kills me! cause i'm always up front and direct when it comes to dealing with a problem. I am not calling him, i have to force myself not to. Last night i had a tough time not thinking about it, i even went out to my friend's party and had a great time watching the fireworks, and there was this cute guy who kept flirting, complimenting me and saying how jealous he is of my BF, asking if i'm completely faithful to him, this guy was persuasive i gotta say. And even though it's a boost to my self-esteem...it's really not the issue, if there's one thing i can never complain about my BF is that he never stopped giving me compliments even if we were in a fight. So just talking to this stranger gave me a guilt trip, cause we talked for a while and he was pretty cool, he kept touching my hand and my hair, i was drinking and afraid that it would lead somewhere else, so i put up a wall and nicely went my own way. Part of me considered just letting it go and take off with this guy because of how vulnerable i am right now, but i know i would've felt like crap, but then again who knows if my BF is probably doing the same thing. Since he hasn't returned my calls in 2 days, I tend to think the worse. I'm guessing we're having a sort of intermission...so does that mean we both get to see and hang out, and maybe more... with the opposite sex? Is that what guys tend to do when they want some time off?
smile95 Posted July 6, 2005 Posted July 6, 2005 mine would never tell me we were done either. I would ask him to just text me "it is over" and he would not. I guess it is his way of always coming back. SOunds like he just needs some time to think. If he is like mine, he will never say he is done. He will just take a break and not inform you.
Pyro Posted July 6, 2005 Posted July 6, 2005 BETH, you can do so much better. That is nuts. He rarely bought you any gifts, but he has no problem accepting yours. You two breaking up is the best thing that has happened to you and you will realize that through time. You obviously put all the work into the relationship. If you have to tell him more then once about calling you when you go on a trip, then he doesn't care enough about your feelings. That is really bogue. That always was a problem in my most recent relationship. I had to constantly remind her about things and she still wouldn't respect how I felt. Your ex was very selfish indeed. I can't believe that he didn't even call you after he said that he would, especially since you went on an 8 hour trip. Doesn't consider your feelings enough. Sounds like that he only does the minimum of what is needed to keep you around. Like I said already, this is the best thing that has happened to you and you will soon realize it. 28 and no kids? Wow, just the way I like them. Sorry, getting off track here. KLANDES, don't ever assume anything. Hooking up with some other guy is the worst thing to do. Whether or not your BF is seeing other people, you will eventually find out the truth. If I had a nickel for everytime that I thought the same thing as you. I was always up front and very open with my ex and I never got the same respect in return. Some people are just too immature or afraid to be honest. Knowone needs those kind of people in their lives. It has only been a couple of days? I would sometimes think the worse as well. That is what sucks about NC. You obviously know your BF better than anyone else. Guys are different. Personally for me, if I ever needed some time away from my sig. other, hooking up with another girl would be the very last thing on my mind. For me having time apart would mean that my relationship is in a knot and I need to step back and think about things. You can look at this "intermission" in anyway that you feel like it. Going out and hooking up with someone would make you the worse person. Be patient and talk things through and find out what is happening. If he has decided to meet anyone else, then it will be his loss to lose you. You have tried so hard to talk to him. You obviously care. All that you can do is wait.
J dub Posted July 6, 2005 Posted July 6, 2005 If I didnt know any better, I would think I posted this thread. My bf and I havent talked since saturday either - he sent me a text wishing me a happy 4th on monday and I called and left a message on tues thanking him for it and just saying I'd love to talk to him. I never heard back My advice (if I am even qualified to give it) is to just not call him anymore and let him wonder what you are doing. I know that your mind is going to come up with all KINDS of stuff that mustve happened to him - he met someone else, etc etc...but try to stay focused - assuming always makes things worse. And we all have a tendancy to imagine the worst-case-scenario when we do not know what is going on. Typically it turns out to be something very simple and nothing like what we've imagined. I know it is hard waiting for him to come to you - believe me I am with you sister. Us girls gotta watch out for eachother so lets do our best to keep our fingers from dialing his digits and give them the space and time they need to figure out what it is they want
XNemesisX Posted July 6, 2005 Posted July 6, 2005 This sounds similar to what I'm going through too. I drove FIVE hours to see an ex of mine this past weekend. The whole time (or a majority of the time) he was saying he wanted us to be exclusive again, he loved me, etc. Then, after I leave to go back home he told me he would call me in 5 hours to make sure I made it back okay. He never did. I called him when I got home, he never returned my calls. Last night I sent him a text msg saying "Just as I expected." He finally called this morning....after 2 days of not calling me. I called him back this evening and he acted like he was in a big huge rush to get off the phone. I said something about how he didn't call to check and see if I was OK and he hung up on me. I called him back and told him not to hang up on me and he started saying "I was pissy" and to "stop being pissy" ...is it too much to ask to get a courtesy call back or for them to check and make sure we are okay after a long drive?!! Geez. So, I let my temper get the best of me. The second time, I hung up on him. A few minutes later I sent him a text msg saying "So over it. Goodbye b*tch." It took him about 4 hours to call me back after that one...and guess what? I didn't answer the phone. I'm at the point now where I don't think I will even call him back. He's going to have to try harder than that, and if he doesn't then time to move on. I know its hard though. So...to answer your question. I think that silence speaks louder than words. If they ignore you for extended periods of time for no good reason, then they are either rude as hell and are too occupied by other things (no excuse though) or they are trying to back away. I have what I call the 24-hour rule. If I don't get a call within 24 hours then I assume we are broken up.
XNemesisX Posted July 6, 2005 Posted July 6, 2005 If you want to know a good trick to use on someone who is ignoring you send a text message saying "Just as I expected." I have used this line on people before and it works every time. It really makes the person feel so low and predictable.
smile95 Posted July 6, 2005 Posted July 6, 2005 Yes, do not assume anything during his "time off". I did come up with all kinds of things the times he ignored me and none of them rang true. Do not worry, most likely, he is just figuring things out.
miss-gonewest Posted July 6, 2005 Posted July 6, 2005 Originally posted by beth5201 My ex ignores me to punish me I feel. he is doing it now actually. Sadly, I have expected it. I think he does it so that I chase him and his ego is fed. Just try backing off and he will wonder where you are. If he truly loves you, he will come for you. If you chase him, he will just love it. You have said all you can. Let him come to you. For me, no matter what I said to him in messages, he came around in his own time. Nothing I could say would make him call. You know what - I don't think they do it to punish you Beth, I think they do it because they just don't care! I have been waiting 2 weeks for a call that was promised to me, and at first I thought he was doing it to hurt me... then I realised that he wasn't calling because he DID NOT CARE. He was doing his own thing, with his friends and moving on, because that's what people do when they break up. Originally posted by beth5201 mine would never tell me we were done either. I would ask him to just text me "it is over" and he would not. I guess it is his way of always coming back. SOunds like he just needs some time to think. If he is like mine, he will never say he is done. He will just take a break and not inform you. Men and women are different - men will usually blame external forces so its really easy to walk away. While women will blame themselves and wonder what they could have done differently... hence girls will sit and mope; while their guys are off with their buddies not even giving you a second thought... So to answer the original question... I agree that silence is power, especially if you are the one with the broken heart. If you do contact them, you are only going to be weak and say all the wrong things. By not saying anything at all, you are playing them at their own game.
smile95 Posted July 6, 2005 Posted July 6, 2005 how true...I woke up wondering what it was that I did wrong or shold I have not have called him so much or text too much.,..y aknow what tho.....if he calle dme a lot and text me, I would love it. I would HOPE that was not the reason for this sudden withdrawl. Last time it was cause he could not deal with it and did not know how to tell me that he could not give me what i needed and deserved. So all that worrying for nothing...guess i should have listened then and walked away
miss-gonewest Posted July 6, 2005 Posted July 6, 2005 Originally posted by beth5201 So all that worrying for nothing...guess i should have listened then and walked away Yeah, worrying doesn't help - especially seeing as we have absolutely no idea what they are doing or thinking. In fact now that I have forced myself to stop analysing and worrying, I feel a whole lot better. I have made the decision to move on - I am getting out and about and in fact I have a 'coffee date' tomorrow night... whilst I am not really interested in dating, its great to get my mind off things. The more I distance myself from him, the more I realise that it would probably not have worked in the long term, but it still hurts to be rejected, but hey I'll cope!!! I sense that you still haven't switched off or made the break Beth... how are you feeling about things these days? Is it getting easier, or are you still longing for him to call & reconcile??? You seem to still have a whole lot of questions...
smile95 Posted July 6, 2005 Posted July 6, 2005 oh yeah he called, we reconciled, then he ignored me and called me today-and I DID NOT ANSWER! First time ever!!!! So I am back to NC-not doing this anymore.
XNemesisX Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 Good for you Beth! I'm doing the same. He called me last night and I STILL haven't called him back and doubt I'm going to. Time to put them in their places!
XNemesisX Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 ugh okay I called him back...I suck. I waited over 24 hours to do so though And guess what? HE DIDN"T ANSWER! Surprise, surprise. Learn from my mistake and keep ignoring him...they need a taste of their own medicine!
smile95 Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 oh crap! I wanted to, but did not. I know that if I do, he will ignore, and then I will lose control of this. Just just back on track of not calling. They suck. His ego was prob crushed when you did not call back ASAP and now this is hos way of saying "well I tried". What jerks. I hope I make it thru today! I had a dr appt last night that was pretty imp tat he knew about.....ya think he called???? NOPE!!!! I want so much to leave him a nasty message, but I am trying not to let it bother me and just love the people who remembered!
Recommended Posts