thelastunicorn Posted September 7, 2016 Posted September 7, 2016 I've been dating a really great guy for 4 months. We get along really well and I see some pretty serious potential here. However, I see an incompatibility that I don't know how to address. I can't really ask my friends or family who have met him because they'd be biased. They really like him and wouldn't be able to be objective. My bf is very simple. We're having sex, we don't argue, and we do nice things for each other. That's all he requires to feel satisfied. However, I require more communication and a deeper level of connection that I'm not sure he's capable of. At first I thought maybe he just needed time to open up but I think this is really just all there is to him. What makes me believe this is that he's just absentminded in general. he struggles to answer simple questions like what's his favorite food, he doesn't read signs and doesn't pay attention to where he's going, etc. How do I talk to him about this? I know I can't change someone else and don't really expect him to magically be a deeper person. Is this one of those incompatibilities that's too big to get over? He doesn't have a lot of relationship experience and I think he's afraid of messing things up.
Larryville Posted September 7, 2016 Posted September 7, 2016 Bottom line the reason why you felt the need to post this thread is you don’t have basic respect for him. Not in a bad or mean way or anything but you clearly need more from the men you date. I have always believed that “respect” is FAR more important than love. If you can’t get there this relationship has no chance. Also adding don’t know how old you are if you are processing a future (family and kids) that will only irritate you more. 2
LostOnes05 Posted September 7, 2016 Posted September 7, 2016 What is your idea of deeper communication? I think we have to start there because it can vary from person to person. To some deep conversations are about how technology has stifled basic communication skills, developments in science, newest best-selling author, social issues, or what the theoretical afterlife is like. To others it's what so-and-so wore to the Grammys or who is dating who on a reality show. Do you know what his interests are? What is something that excites him? If you bring up something that interests him, how does he respond? Does he have a mild form of Aspergers? I think it would be best to know these things about him (and yourself) so that you can broach the subject and have a meaningful conversation. Sounds like a good guy, but you have to be able to know and verbalize (even give an example) what your communication style is. For instance, after an argument some people need space, ice cream, or a gym vent session. Some want to dissolve the issue right away and move on with life. While others don't address it at all and bring it back up 6 months later. It's all about how you communicate your thoughts and interests to each other. And understand that this person is not you and not in your head, so they have no idea what you want unless you explicitly say it. 1
Author thelastunicorn Posted September 7, 2016 Author Posted September 7, 2016 What is your idea of deeper communication? I think we have to start there because it can vary from person to person. To some deep conversations are about how technology has stifled basic communication skills, developments in science, newest best-selling author, social issues, or what the theoretical afterlife is like. To others it's what so-and-so wore to the Grammys or who is dating who on a reality show. Do you know what his interests are? What is something that excites him? If you bring up something that interests him, how does he respond? Does he have a mild form of Aspergers? I think it would be best to know these things about him (and yourself) so that you can broach the subject and have a meaningful conversation. Sounds like a good guy, but you have to be able to know and verbalize (even give an example) what your communication style is. For instance, after an argument some people need space, ice cream, or a gym vent session. Some want to dissolve the issue right away and move on with life. While others don't address it at all and bring it back up 6 months later. It's all about how you communicate your thoughts and interests to each other. And understand that this person is not you and not in your head, so they have no idea what you want unless you explicitly say it. He's not lazy and I know he wants a serious relationship so I think it has to be something like aspergers or being a bit clueless about relationships. I know he doesn't have a lot of dating experience. I wouldn't be surprised if I'm his first serious gf. He is very afraid of messing up or doing something that upsets me. This isn't based on anything I've done so I think it's because of a past relationship or some issues he's had with his parents growing up that he's alluded to. We don't fight. The only time we could've had a conflict, he apologized and the issue never came back up again. I actively participate in his interests and he appreciates that and it's easy for him to talk about them. He is opening up to me but super slowly. As someone who already knows what they want it's required me to be very patient to get his far. When I've asked him what his ideal partner would be like, what he would consider a really good date, etc he doesn't have an opinion. So it's hard to have a conversation about what I need with someone who doesn't know what they need and won't ask questions. He assumes I know how he feels and what he thinks so I imagine he also assumes he knows how I feel and what I think.
preraph Posted September 7, 2016 Posted September 7, 2016 Listen, that very well be ALL there is to him, plus sports or whatever. I could never stay with anyone like that. There's no mental stimulation. Remember the sex part going off nothing but physique won't last forever for you.
Gaeta Posted September 7, 2016 Posted September 7, 2016 When I've asked him what his ideal partner would be like, what he would consider a really good date, etc he doesn't have an opinion. So it's hard to have a conversation about what I need with someone who doesn't know what they need and won't ask questions. He assumes I know how he feels and what he thinks so I imagine he also assumes he knows how I feel and what I think. You 2 are simply not compatible. He does sound like a good man with his heart in the right place and he'll make another woman very happy. You need a partner with whom you can connect on an intellectual level and he is not it. Don't force things that don't come smoothly and naturally.
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