zyphfly Posted September 7, 2016 Posted September 7, 2016 I've had a sort of long term off and on in interest in this girl, who pretty much everyone in my life has told me to move past, but for whatever reason I just can't seem to do it. The strangest thing is, I really don't know why! I am physically attracted to her, but she isn't extraordinarily attractive or anything, in fact without sounding like a jerk most people would think she's well beneath me in that regard. I do really like certain aspects of her personality, but I also am absolutely certain that she isn't someone I could ever really be in a fulfilling relationship with. She is smart, funny, and I like to be around her, but ultimately I know there are way too many things I'd never be able to deal with...nothing but guy friends, very aloof, often rude/uncouth, etc. I know most of my family would be aghast if they ever met her and probably wonder what the hell is wrong with me, but I don't know what it is, I just can't seem to let it go, even when I know it would never work. Which is probably part of the reason why I've never aggressively tried to get it to go anywhere with her, but we still talk and go out pretty regularly, we call each other friends right now, but I also know that isn't what I want with her, and I don't want to be disingenuous. Anyone else been through/going through something like this?
loverboy69 Posted September 7, 2016 Posted September 7, 2016 When I was in my 20's I always had "my type." If anyone didn't fit into the artificial plastic barriers I'd create I wouldn't give them the time of day. When I got into my 30's I started to appreciate other things in people. The way they laugh, their strange sense of humor or even coy demeanor and I'd often find myself attracted. My SO has a lot of little quirks that I find endearing that might of been deal breakers a decade ago. Don't get me wrong. She may very well have qualities that are off putting. As an adult you have the right to decide if these are deal breakers. But if not why not give her a chance? We all have an opinion and those close to you only want what's best. But if you are a grown man and you find yourself attracted to her for things other than looks then why not ask her out and give her a chance? 1
smudge21 Posted September 7, 2016 Posted September 7, 2016 You make it sound like attraction and feelings are something you are in control of. Sorry, but we don't chose who we fall for. It just happens, sometimes when we don't want it to. My last addiction wasn't my type. I wasn't even attracted to her physically at first, but over time, as friends, she became something so special to me. To the point I ignored plenty of red flags and jumped in feet first. I didn't chose to fall for her... I just did. How you chose to proceed on this is your call, not anyone elses. Maybe you need to push it forward to at least say you gave it a shot and then you can move on.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted September 7, 2016 Posted September 7, 2016 Attraction as in physical or emotional? I still think my ex-wife is HOT HOT HOT, but I have very little to no emotional attraction. Ugh. No way.
leogirl876 Posted September 7, 2016 Posted September 7, 2016 I totally get it, I'm usually attracted to men who are all wrong for me, the types that break my heart. I know there's not much you can do when it comes to attraction, you're attracted to who you're attracted to. 1
Author zyphfly Posted September 8, 2016 Author Posted September 8, 2016 Attraction as in physical or emotional? I still think my ex-wife is HOT HOT HOT, but I have very little to no emotional attraction. Ugh. No way. Honestly, I'm not even sure anymore. When I first met her, definitely physical. But like I said it's not really that she's super hot or anything, I think I was just attracted to her style and the way she carries herself. As I've gotten to know her better, I can see more of her flaws (physically), but they don't matter to me, because I just love being around her. I enjoy her company second to none. The problem is emotionally, I don't think there's anything there. I am a pretty emotional/sensitive/thoughtful person, and she seems to be way too cold for me in that regard. Which is why I don't really want to waste either of our time, because every time I go NC from her, I finally start to dull the feelings, and then when I see her they immediately come back, so I know I can't just be friends with her. But I also feel like trying to be anything more would be a recipe for disaster.
Redhead14 Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 I've had a sort of long term off and on in interest in this girl, who pretty much everyone in my life has told me to move past, but for whatever reason I just can't seem to do it. The strangest thing is, I really don't know why! I am physically attracted to her, but she isn't extraordinarily attractive or anything, in fact without sounding like a jerk most people would think she's well beneath me in that regard. I do really like certain aspects of her personality, but I also am absolutely certain that she isn't someone I could ever really be in a fulfilling relationship with. She is smart, funny, and I like to be around her, but ultimately I know there are way too many things I'd never be able to deal with...nothing but guy friends, very aloof, often rude/uncouth, etc. I know most of my family would be aghast if they ever met her and probably wonder what the hell is wrong with me, but I don't know what it is, I just can't seem to let it go, even when I know it would never work. Which is probably part of the reason why I've never aggressively tried to get it to go anywhere with her, but we still talk and go out pretty regularly, we call each other friends right now, but I also know that isn't what I want with her, and I don't want to be disingenuous. Anyone else been through/going through something like this? Read these boards. There are tons of people who deal with this situation. They stick around usually because they lack insight and forethought and can't get past the endorphin effect. If they look at things in a balanced and logical way, they could realize and accept that it is possible to love someone very much, in fact, yet understand that they are not compatible and accept that fact. Two people can love each other but simply can't live together or have a meaningful and satisfying relationship. You simply have to choose your head over your heart. Your heart doesn't understand how miserable you could be. Your heart only knows how to love, it doesn't have the ability to be logical and see the future, that's a function of the brain. When these two things are not in synch, it's the brain that should make the decision. When the heart and mind are in synch, it's a good match.
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