Hard time breaking it off, constant guilt

September 6, 2016

So I've been dating this girl (girlA), who prioritize me over everything, she loves me a lot and care for me. While I still care for her a lot, there is no longer romantic feeling, it has been like this for a while now. I no longer want to have sex with her either.

Recently I met a new girl (girlB), and I wanted to break up (with girlA) but due to her circumstances I couldn't break up until recently. So there were a few dates I went on with girlB that overlaps, we even kissed so I basically cheated. Which is something I really despite but I ended up doing it myself.

While I met with girlA in person to talk about the breakup, she ended up texting me about wanting me to give the relationship another chance, because it’s unfair that she never knew I lost romantic feeling when it happened a while ago. The night of the break-up it was so devastating I just kept thinking about how much dmg I caused her, I cried and couldn’t sleep, I ended up saying yes to her proposal. My condition is that she must start meeting more people (she doesn’t have any friends, which is why the break up will be too devastating for her) and deprioritize me while I will give the relationship another chance. My logic is that this will lessen the ‘shock’, and she will have time to “build a ‘parachute’” for the break up.

However this is killing me inside, every time I’m with girlB, and when girlA text me I will feel like crap and my whole day will be ruined. I feel guilty that I might end up hurting both girls and I hate cheating itself a lot (I hated it since childhood due to my parents’ relationship). Moreover me and girlB while connects well, there are conflicts, and I feel very insecure. The worst thing I notice is that ever since I cheated, I start to doubt girlB, I know she most likely wouldn’t, but the fact that I cheated have changed my perspective quite a bit.

All of the above is just so heavy for me, there are too much going on I lose concentration at work sometimes.

edit: And to constantly live under the worries that they might find out about it is destroying me

Edited September 6, 2016 by waterbottleburden

September 6, 2016

You are being completely and totally selfish.

You aren't thinking of GirlA at all you are thinking only of yourself and how to alleviate your guilt over breaking up with her.

Not only are you a cheat but you have also lied to her stating that you will give the relationship a real shot while still cheating on her and having no real intention of giving the relationship a go. You are merely setting her up to dump her again further down the line. Double whammy!

You've somehow twisted this in your head to believe you are doing her a favour. You are NOT helping her. You are hindering her. If you do not want to be in the relationship let her go. A clean break is the real best thing for her. If you have an ounce of actual care for this girl you will break up with her once and for all.

What you are doing is beyond deceitful and dishonest.

Have some self awareness to realize what you are doing is completely and totally selfish. Nothing less.

September 6, 2016

while I understand why u would come up with that conclusion, since I did cry about the dmg I have caused her, so i'm being selfish to drag it on so I can lessen the pain on my end.

But the thing is I really do want to just break it off, I rather have the pain of causing her pain (which is inevitable) now then to drag it and suffer thru the whole period of the drag and then experience the inevitable pain (there is no lessen of pain but more of it as it get dragged). My conflict is that she has no one to talk to, she got nothing. If she can make friends or even find someone it will be a lot easier for her, she has been talking to other guys from what she told me. I understand cheating is despicable, I was a victim of it before too, but if after you truly understand the situation and still feel that breaking it right off is better for her I will do it. (I'm saying this because from reading your post, I feel like you are just attacking and solely because this is cheating rather than considering all facts and giving advice)

I also am hoping to have more opinion from other people here too.

Edited September 6, 2016 by waterbottleburden

September 6, 2016

I can help you here.

this happened me to back in 2008.

I self-destructed and chose the wrong girl.

In my case I was about 2.5 years into and LDR with the girl who I now post about here daily as we are no more.

Anyway, back then I was starting to feel lonely in the LDR, she was fine sending me texts for money etc but I was feeling quiet lonely. I got a random call from some girl I didn't know and decided to meet up, just for some excitement.

Anyway, this girl was ok, I liked her but didn't love her but she fell for me hard inside 2 weeks or so. This stressed me out big time because I was in the LDR with the girl I loved.

Anyway after about a month I dumped this new girl because she became way too attached but after like 4 or 5 days, I felt super guilty for doing that so I ended up going back to see if she was ok. She definitely took it bad, I could tell so I told her maybe we could still see each other. Silly I know, this was purely out of guilt for messing her around.

Anyway, as all this was going on my resentment for the LDR increased. I was angry that I had been driven to getting myself in this mess. Had she been more compassionate in the LDR, I would have not been tempted into this mess. Anyway, I did a really stupid thing and sent a breakup email to her, the stress just got to me so bad, I couldn't live with the guilt. Guess what, after she broke down in tears, like 3 days later, the penny dropped and I realised I just broke up with someone I loved. So 3 days later, I called her back and of course told her what was going on but that I didn't want to breakup. I think when she cried and showed she cared, that was when I realised that I really did love her.

So I was back to having 2 girls but I knew the local girl I didn't love. I strung her along for a couple of months until I had the strength to end it in a more mature way. I actually told her about the LDR etc. But look the damage was huge. The LDR girl confessed me to many years later she never really got over that. Out of guilt, I chose the wrong girl.

Moral of the story is, don't do anything rash here. Don't feel guilty at all. Most importantly, DO NOT SELF SABOTAGE.

Its not all your fault your in this situation. Girl A is somewhat responsible for that too.

Your situation is reversed to mine was but because in my case GirlA was the one I loved, but the same principal applies.

Don't worry about the cheating thing here. Your better off figuring out who you want to be with and breakup with one girl once and only once. That will be the best for all parties. Cheating is a spit in the ocean here, its why you are cheating that is what you need to explore.

My advise, spend some more time with Girl B and turn off your phone etc. Relax and see how u feel.

You don't own the world's problems. Don't make the same mistake I did.

Trust me !!!!!!

September 6, 2016

What you are doing is beyond deceitful and dishonest.

Have some self awareness to realize what you are doing is completely and totally selfish. Nothing less.

Look having been in this situation before. I wouldn't say its being selfish. Some people just have really hard time letting people down. GirlA is partially responsible for the pressure that has been put on him. She shoulders 50% of the blame here in my opinion.

He is just self-sabotaging as he has found himself in a very tricky situation. I did it as well, and I can tell you when I was doing it, I definitely did spend a lot of time thinking about what was best for all concerned.

September 6, 2016

My condition is that she must start meeting more people (she doesn’t have any friends, which is why the break up will be too devastating for her) and deprioritize me while I will give the relationship another chance. My logic is that this will lessen the ‘shock’, and she will have time to “build a ‘parachute’” for the break up.

Break-ups are devastating. Regardless of the circumstances -- it involves pain. You're not doing her any favors nor are you looking out for her best interest. What you're doing is driven by you own guilt and it helps you alleviate your own bad feelings. This has nothing to do with her.

If you want to do the right thing, let her go. Yes, she will be devastated and she will struggle with her emotions but that's much healthier than you sneaking behind her back (and god forbid she finds out because that will be even worse) and allowing her to create this imaginary relationship in her head. She's not going to "deprioritize" you or allow her to build her parachute -- it's only going to feed her hope and keep her holding on. Who are you kidding?

It's selfish.

September 6, 2016

Some people just have really hard time letting people down. GirlA is partially responsible for the pressure that has been put on him. She shoulders 50% of the blame here in my opinion.

Yes, but cheating and deceit is much easier to inflict on a person. Best to do what's wrong to avoid discomfort rather than do what's right eventhough it's difficult and honest.

September 6, 2016

@MotorcycleGurl: I thought of that too, but Im afraid of the self destructing things she might do to herself. Do you have any advice on what I can do to lessen the chance even if it is just a little? I know the general rule is to do no contact. But I'm really not sure if that's the way to go. Should I suggest going back to being friends first, then slowly disappear until she is ready? That might be easier for her than no contact?

@marky00: Thanks for being kind, but it really is my fault, I should have told her when I lost romantic feeling and not try to ignore the problem.

As for the advice you gave me, I did do a lot of thinking so I 'think' I am not rushing. If I believe she wont be someone that I will spend the rest of my life with, do you also suggest I should just break it off?? Again Im stressing on the fact that she doesnt have much support, Im her 'support' now through the transition, she is meeting more people now and focusing more on her career

September 6, 2016

Who are you kidding?

It's selfish.

As much as this is probably true, after being in that situation myself, you definitely don't feel like your being selfish....

Put it this way, is dumping someone in the middle of their exams being selfish?

You see, its tricky. Some would argue that its better for the person to get through their exams and get dumped. Yes it may be selfish still by the dumper for lessening the blow but there may be cases where its a better result for both. Maybe if he calms down in a few weeks, he can at least face GirlA properly and breakup with honesty and respect as opposed to crash and burn which would properly happen now.

September 6, 2016

It should be pointed out that "making sure that someone is ok" after breaking up with them is more about alleviating their own guilt than giving a damn about the other person.

September 6, 2016

Yes, but cheating and deceit is much easier to inflict on a person. Best to do what's wrong to avoid discomfort rather than do what's right eventhough it's difficult and honest.

True, but honestly, this cheating thing is not relevant here. Its why he is cheating that matters. GirlB has simply confirmed his inner feelings. This may help him to breakup with GirlA with more directness and conviction so waiting 2 or 3 weeks is ok in that situation.

September 6, 2016

As much as this is probably true, after being in that situation myself, you definitely don't feel like your being selfish....

Put it this way, is dumping someone in the middle of their exams being selfish?

You see, its tricky. Some would argue that its better for the person to get through their exams and get dumped. Yes it may be selfish still by the dumper for lessening the blow but there may be cases where its a better result for both. Maybe if he calms down in a few weeks, he can at least face GirlA properly and breakup with honesty and respect as opposed to crash and burn which would properly happen now.

Exams? I may have missed that but I've read the thread and I see nothing about exams unless you're providing a hypothetical or projecting your own situation which I will not address.

September 6, 2016

@Zahara: So slowly back out won't do her any good? It is better to just break it off? What if she got no support?

As much as this is probably true, after being in that situation myself, you definitely don't feel like your being selfish....

Put it this way, is dumping someone in the middle of their exams being selfish?

You see, its tricky. Some would argue that its better for the person to get through their exams and get dumped. Yes it may be selfish still by the dumper for lessening the blow but there may be cases where its a better result for both. Maybe if he calms down in a few weeks, he can at least face GirlA properly and breakup with honesty and respect as opposed to crash and burn which would properly happen now.

The circumstance I mentioned earlier is actually what you said, she was on her exams, so I couldn't break it off. But her exams are over, and I met with her in person that broke it off with her. Later that night she sent me a lot of texts that's when she suggested on the trying again.

September 6, 2016

True, but honestly, this cheating thing is not relevant here. Its why he is cheating that matters. GirlB has simply confirmed his inner feelings. This may help him to breakup with GirlA with more directness and conviction so waiting 2 or 3 weeks is ok in that situation.

Why have you placed a timeline of 2-3 weeks when I don't see anything about him stating that that's his plan? I see him trying to help her "transition" away from him.

September 6, 2016

Exams? I may have missed that but I've read the thread and I see nothing about exams unless you're providing a hypothetical or projecting your own situation which I will not address.

Sorry was a hypothetical.

September 6, 2016

NOTE:

First I admit and understand what I did was selfish. But now can you guys who suggest me to break it off right away, explain to me why breaking it off immediately is better than slowly backing away. Please understand this is not a challenge nor a way to make myself feel better, I just really need to know which option is the best. Yes I admit it might be easier on my conscious if there is something I can do to lessen the pain, but that's not the point of this post, the point is how should the break up happens GIVEN the her circumstance.

September 6, 2016

Why have you placed a timeline of 2-3 weeks when I don't see anything about him stating that that's his plan? I see him trying to help her "transition" away from him.

I simply mentioned 2-3 weeks because since he has admitted being stressed out and all over the place, that time frame may be needed to compose himself to breakup with GirlA in the best way possible.

Because, remembering what I was going through, until he calms down, he could make a rightful mess of things.

September 6, 2016

@Zahara: So slowly back out won't do her any good? It is better to just break it off? What if she got no support?

We're adults here and if you're adult enough to get into a relationship then you have to be adult enough to take the repercussions of an ending. Yes, it is better to break it off because this will teach her growth. This will teach her to gain independence. What you're doing is enabling dependence. If she has no support, this will teach her to put herself out there and start making connections with others rather than being pinned to your side. It will force her to grow up. You're enabling her.

What if she never wants to let you go? What if she becomes more attached? You're going to keep going between the two of them? What if she finds out -- how much devastation is that going to cause to an already bad situation?

"Slowly back out" is based on your level of emotional investment in this. You think is achievable because you're looking from your point of view. She has no ability to slowly back out when she wants to be with you. She has no ability to detach when she remains attached. She can't detach when you're in her view feeding her emotions.

The circumstance I mentioned earlier is actually what you said, she was on her exams, so I couldn't break it off. But her exams are over, and I met with her in person that broke it off with her. Later that night she sent me a lot of texts that's when she suggested on the trying again.

Her exams are over. It's time to set her free.

Edited September 6, 2016 by Zahara

September 6, 2016

So just a question.

If someone breaks up with someone by ghosting them?

based on the majority of responses, that would considered to be unselfish because its the honest feelings of the dumper.

And if the person mans up and does a face-face, they are actually being selfish.

Now this is getting interesting.

September 6, 2016

We're adults here and if you're adult enough to get into a relationship then you have to be adult enough to take the repercussions of an ending. Yes, it is better to break it off because this will teach her growth. This will teach her to gain independence. What you're doing is enabling dependence. If she has no support, this will teach her to put herself out there and start making connections with others rather than being pinned to your side. It will force her to grow up. You're enabling her.

What if she never wants to let you go? What if she becomes more attached? You're going to keep going between the two of them? What if she finds out -- how much devastation is that going to cause to an already bad situation?

"Slowly back out" is based on your level of emotional investment in this. You think is achievable because you're looking from your point of view. She has no ability to slowly back out when she wants to be with you. She has no ability to detach when she remains attached. She can't detach when you're in her view feeding her emotions.

Her exams are over. It's time to set her free.

I understand your point now, thanks. You are probably right away the point of view, maybe I'm not truly thinking in term of her view

September 6, 2016

Yes, same mistake I did. You get overburdened with all the guilt etc.

I have been told recently the best way to handle these situations is to pretend your looking at yourself from a distance and make the decision that way.

I've always made the mistake of absorbing all the feelings and potential problems. Leads to bad decisions.

September 6, 2016

I understand your point now, thanks. You are probably right away the point of view, maybe I'm not truly thinking in term of her view

Exactly. Your decisions have been solely driven by your own point of view. What works for you and how best it serves you.

The right thing is often the most difficult to do -- and that applies to you and Girl A. You both are avoiding pain and discomfort when the healthy thing to do is to embrace it and allow that to encourage growth.

September 6, 2016

Yes, same mistake I did. You get overburdened with all the guilt etc.

I have been told recently the best way to handle these situations is to pretend your looking at yourself from a distance and make the decision that way.

I've always made the mistake of absorbing all the feelings and potential problems. Leads to bad decisions.

Thanks, I think the looking at a distance is a better way to make the decision.

anyways thanks everyone for their perspective and advises, I appreciate all of them. I think breaking it off right away is better for all three of us, I cant live like this anymore, this is driving me nuts as marky00 said

September 6, 2016

NOTE:

First I admit and understand what I did was selfish. But now can you guys who suggest me to break it off right away, explain to me why breaking it off immediately is better than slowly backing away. Please understand this is not a challenge nor a way to make myself feel better, I just really need to know which option is the best. Yes I admit it might be easier on my conscious if there is something I can do to lessen the pain, but that's not the point of this post, the point is how should the break up happens GIVEN the her circumstance.

Are you talk about your pain or her pain? Either way, break-ups hurt. She will be hurt. Maybe angry. It can't be avoided. So be honest, live in integrity, and go over there asap and tell her you're breaking up with her. She might find out about the girl you've been seeing, but what can you do? It's true, you've been seeing both of them and lying about it. That makes pretty much ALL people angry. But you can't avoid any of the fallout. So do it politely and move on.

September 6, 2016

Exactly. Your decisions have been solely driven by your own point of view. What works for you and how best it serves you.

The right thing is often the most difficult to do -- and that applies to you and Girl A. You both are avoiding pain and discomfort when the healthy thing to do is to embrace it and allow that to encourage growth.

You are right. I learnt so much when my first gf broke up with me, it was extremely devastating but I learnt so much that I wouldn't mind going through it again if I could gain as much as I did. I guess I underestimated girlA ability to cope.

I cant mentally do this anymore anyways, Im so tired of it all

Thanks zahara for your advice

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