Oiler1 Posted September 6, 2016 Posted September 6, 2016 Hi, I'm having issues with being alone. I broke up with my gf a year ago. It was an emotional roller coaster. It still hurts to this day. I have a new lady I like but I know she is not into me. In fact she states that we are only friends. I know the relationship will never become serious yet she allows me to help her in various ways. I did a ton of favors for her yet we are still just friends. She never asks me how I am feeling and ignores my texts and emails half the time. I feel used, maybe I should abandon this friendship, but I feel too lonely so I help anyway. Sounds real stupid. I am semi-retired, so people know I have a lot of time on my hands. Also financially independent so I don't have to work 9 to 5. Friends have told me they'd kill to be in my situation, but I still feel depressed. I have lots of friends but not one true close friend whom I can share intimacy with. I think that's the main thing missing in my life. I sought professional help before but all they seem to suggest is to diversify into new things and friendships. I tried but going to meetups and meeting people has not resulted in happiness. I don't know what to do at this point. Advice appreciated. 1
bummer Posted September 7, 2016 Posted September 7, 2016 Honestly I would be depressed too if I was in an unreciprocated codependent friendship. Meetup and diversifying your interests haven't worked, yet. You either need to find contentment by being alone (unlikely) or get your butt back out there. It's a probability game. The more you play the better you get at it and the better your chances of finding a connection. This isn't rocket science. Just get out there. As another suggestion, your "depression" and comfort zone are all encompassing in what little I can gleen from this post. If you got the money, grab your balls and go on an adventure. Solo roadtrip, fly to Africa, volunteer your time And money to a good cause, take a cruise, go to any new country, etc. get outside that bubble you've wrapped around you. 1
smudge21 Posted September 7, 2016 Posted September 7, 2016 You can't force yourself to connect with others - you either do or you don't. It's the same for love; you clearly have feelings for this new girl whereas she just sees you as a meal ticket. I wouldn't say friends, as she's totally disrespecting you and doesn't care one bit. I've been there and know how hard it is to walk despite all that though - it comes from low self esteem and thinking you won't do any better. You will, but you need to ditch the toxic people out of your life and consider just enjoying your freedom right now. Go travel and some wild experiences. Don't do it with a view to meet new people, just do it for you. Once you reach your happy place and are at peace with how you are, you'll find people will flock to those positive vibes you give out. It's not easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is. 1
Satu Posted September 7, 2016 Posted September 7, 2016 The situation with this woman is your creation. She can't use you unless you allow it. So think about why you've chosen this. Then choose something else. Take care. 1
Author Oiler1 Posted September 7, 2016 Author Posted September 7, 2016 (edited) Thank you all for your kind and compassionate advice. I have taken it to heart. Today she asked me again to be at her house on Friday when the workers are coming to her house. I have to be there from 12 to 4 pm sitting around making sure the someone is at home when they ring the doorbell. Boring. She doesn't know how lucky she is to have a person help her for free while she is working. To her credit, she does and has reciprocate many times by buying my supper or coming to my pot luck house party. She is a good person, devoutly religious and volunteers to help people. She was quite rude at my party though being on her cell phone half the time. Yes, I can see the body language when I am with her. She trends to sit as far away from me as possible, says thanks sometimes but in general is cold or unemotional. Having said that, in my mind she is the best lady I ever met. Yes I know I should seek new experiences and get away from her and in part that's what I am doing. I saw my other friends this week who actually care and reciprocate the correct way. Though I see nothing romantic with them, I was genuinely happy. I also help them the same way not not to the extent of my so called friend. I talked to them and they all said if a person doesn't like you, you really can't do anything about it so ditch her. Yes, got to work at leaving her and not obsessing about her maybe coming around and finding love for me. For me it's not that easy to do or is it? Edited September 7, 2016 by Oiler1 1
bummer Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 I saw my other friends this week who actually care and reciprocate the correct way. Though I see nothing romantic with them, I was genuinely happy. Yes, got to work at leaving her and not obsessing about her maybe coming around and finding love for me. For me it's not that easy to do or is it? It is. Since you were never really a thing, there are no strong ties that aren't in your head alone. Continue being with your true friends and friends of friends and as you note, enjoy the company of those who reciprocate your generosity and kindness appropriately. Find ways to be politely "busy" when she needs to use you. She will likely find a new gopher without a blink. That will leave you free to pursue others. On the other hand as I re-read this, perhaps you desiring something more from her is the issue? She always saw you as a friend and you simply need to heed this more clearly? Maybe when the blurred line of desire and friendship is clearer for you, you can continue to provide favors in exchange for dinners, etc? 1
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