Feeling physically sick since end of affair

[bathtub-row]

Honey, please don't ever again let a man coerce you into having sex by him acting irritated. This says so much about his character alone. Also expect him to come back in a few months. It happens all the time so be prepared for it and be prepared with what you'll do.

[BTDT2012]

I feel like I now have closure and can move on. Lessen learned that I will wait for a divorced or single male to pursue me in the future as I never want to go down this road again.

 

Be a single woman before you allow that single/divorced male to catch you.

[Ahurtgirl]

What should I do now? I realize my life needs a new beginning as to how to prevent this from happening again. I feel like I won't trust anyone for a long time since this happened, so I'm guessing meeting new people is not something I want to do for a while. Just need ideas for in the next few months and year (not sure how long it will take for me to emotionally recover from this) on how to heal, to get though it so I don't completely fall apart as I feel like I may. I just feel like it was all a lie and how could I have been so bad at not realizing that his feelings were not the same as mine. He mentioned today that he has been trying for two years to push me away as he felt things were not going well between us. I was totally clueless. We had some struggles every fall and winter as he always got distant during those months but we always carried on through. I had been saying to him that I was feeling a bit apprehensive again, just a few weeks ago, as I knew the autumn season was coming but he assured me this year would be different. Told me how much he loved me and to just trust him. That he was going to make sure things went good for us. He was always telling me he loved me and tons of texts and calls every single day. He sure seemed to enjoy the intimate part that was three times a week (min) and he said he loved our chats. So when I said this to him he replied that wasn't true, that he hadn't been feeling in love with me and no longer had any type of feelings for me, etc. I just don't get it. My feelings have never just switched like that. He's always been more fickle with ups and downs with his emotions but he would also tell me I was f***ng crazy when I would have any type of emotional feelings. Just always confused me with how his emotions were acceptable but mine were not.

[MidnightBlue1980]

What should I do now? I realize my life needs a new beginning as to how to prevent this from happening again. I feel like I won't trust anyone for a long time since this happened, so I'm guessing meeting new people is not something I want to do for a while. Just need ideas for in the next few months and year (not sure how long it will take for me to emotionally recover from this) on how to heal, to get though it so I don't completely fall apart as I feel like I may. I just feel like it was all a lie and how could I have been so bad at not realizing that his feelings were not the same as mine. He mentioned today that he has been trying for two years to push me away as he felt things were not going well between us. I was totally clueless. We had some struggles every fall and winter as he always got distant during those months but we always carried on through. I had been saying to him that I was feeling a bit apprehensive again, just a few weeks ago, as I knew the autumn season was coming but he assured me this year would be different. Told me how much he loved me and to just trust him. That he was going to make sure things went good for us. He was always telling me he loved me and tons of texts and calls every single day. He sure seemed to enjoy the intimate part that was three times a week (min) and he said he loved our chats. So when I said this to him he replied that wasn't true, that he hadn't been feeling in love with me and no longer had any type of feelings for me, etc. I just don't get it. My feelings have never just switched like that. He's always been more fickle with ups and downs with his emotions but he would also tell me I was f***ng crazy when I would have any type of emotional feelings. Just always confused me with how his emotions were acceptable but mine were not.

 

What should you do now?

1. Expect him to come back in a few months. They almost all do. Be ready to harden your heart and kick him to the curb.

 

2. Figure out your marriage. Do you want to save it? If not, you need to really separate and divorce. It is not fair to a single guy to involve him in a mess and no decent guy is going to stick around. You will only attract users.

[MidnightBlue1980]

What should you do now?

1. Expect him to come back in a few months. They almost all do. Be ready to harden your heart and kick him to the curb.

 

2. Figure out your marriage. Do you want to save it? If not, you need to really separate and divorce. It is not fair to a single guy to involve him in a mess and no decent guy is going to stick around. You will only attract users.

 

Don't worry about what xMM feels or doesn't feel. It's all lies. I promise you, when he returns he will say he does love you but was just scared.

[Bufo]

You can't change the past but you can prepare for the future. Read and heed what Lemondrop and MidnightBlue have posted. They both predict an attempt at a revival of the A. And without sounding crass, at 3 times per week he has a whole lot of incentive to attempt that revival. Remember it's easier for a MM to keep the OW he has than to locate,,groom and seduce a new one.

 

You have been shown his true nature. Don't ignore that lesson.

[AlwaysGrowing]

You can't change the past but you can prepare for the future. Read and heed what Lemondrop and MidnightBlue have posted. They both predict an attempt at a revival of the A. And without sounding crass, at 3 times per week he has a whole lot of incentive to attempt that revival. Remember it's easier for a MM to keep the OW he has than to locate,,groom and seduce a new one.

 

You have been shown his true nature. Don't ignore that lesson.

 

From what I've read the OP is the one doing the contacting.

 

More than one persons nature has been brought to light here.

 

Figuring out why the OP chose a LTA for themselves might be a good starting point in IC. Finding out why one would want to have a "safety net" in place before dissolving ones marriage might be wise as well.

[Ahurtgirl]

He won't be contacting me again. For one, he says he doesn't blame me, but he does. I completely made the wrong choice to contact even if it wasn't to inform her. He is determined to make his marriage work and is going to give it all he's got to do it and when he sets his mind to something, it happens. I think that his marriage may very well end up being the best marriage around once they both heal. He is an amazing man and his wife will be loved deeper than she probably has ever experienced now that she will have his full attention, possibly for the first time in their marriage. I am actually very happy for him to have found love with his wife again (obviously it is still extremely hard on my side) and I know he is doing the right thing.

[MidnightBlue1980]

He won't be contacting me again. For one, he says he doesn't blame me, but he does. I completely made the wrong choice to contact even if it wasn't to inform her. He is determined to make his marriage work and is going to give it all he's got to do it and when he sets his mind to something, it happens. I think that his marriage may very well end up being the best marriage around once they both heal. He is an amazing man and his wife will be loved deeper than she probably has ever experienced now that she will have his full attention, possibly for the first time in their marriage. I am actually very happy for him to have found love with his wife again (obviously it is still extremely hard on my side) and I know he is doing the right thing.

 

A 4.5 year affair is a very long relationship. I highly doubt it will be the best marriage and I would be impressed if he tells her the whole story. Most men only tell a little - trickle truth it is called. How long is he married?

 

BTW, you do not all of a sudden find love with your spouse like that. It's called being scared sh*t and CYA so your spouse does not throw you out.

 

Listen, I'm no judge or hypocrite. I'm just saying it as I see it and live it. You would do good to make sure you are NC as they do tend to come back. Mine took 5 months. As soon as things calm down, they tend to return as its easier to start things up with the prior OW than find someone new.

[Lobe]

BTW, you do not all of a sudden find love with your spouse like that. It's called being scared sh*t and CYA so your spouse does not throw you out.

 

"Find" love no - because they already love their BS. Some WSs are genuinely remorseful, and being caught is enough to make them realize what they are risking so they end things with the AP and choose to recommit to their marriage. Read some of the posts by WSs and you'll quickly learn that there are both entitled narcissists who are sad they got caught AND WSs who are sad they hurt their BS and want to turn things back around.

 

As soon as things calm down, they tend to return as its easier to start things up with the prior OW than find someone new.

 

This is true of the entitled narcissists, who want to have their cake and eat it too. If they come back and want you to continue being their dirty little secret, you've got yourself a problem. If they come back because their BS dumped them or kicked them out, you will know that you are the fallback plan and not the first choice. If they come back because they have separated from their spouse, have filed for divorce, and are willing to start dating you publicly, then maybe you've got yourself something to work with but only you can decide whether you want to waste your time and energy waiting to find out if he comes back at all.

 

Leave him be, start working on rebuilding your life without him in it, so that when or if he comes back you are prepared to look at the situation objectively and decide if you really want him back at all...

[Ahurtgirl]

He has been married 15 years and has two younger children. I'm sure he won't tell her the whole story but he does have to explain the cell phone hours of time we talked last month. I guess she wants to know what we all talked about. The silly part is that when we talked it was about stuff we could have talked to anyone about. It was about sports, current events, our families, the weather, his job, etc. We we're way past the romantic part of our affair. It had become much more of a friendship with benefits vs. romance.

[Lobe]

We we're way past the romantic part of our affair. It had become much more of a friendship with benefits vs. romance.

 

Are you trying to say that this was any less of a betrayal of his marriage vows? I don't suppose you see the irony of how ripe he was to start another affair to get the sparkly romance back since you had essentially become a sister wife.

[loveisanaction]

He has been married 15 years and has two younger children. I'm sure he won't tell her the whole story but he does have to explain the cell phone hours of time we talked last month. I guess she wants to know what we all talked about. The silly part is that when we talked it was about stuff we could have talked to anyone about. It was about sports, current events, our families, the weather, his job, etc. We we're way past the romantic part of our affair. It had become much more of a friendship with benefits vs. romance.

 

A married man is a married man. You can twist it, dress it up, bake it, cook it, boil it, prepare it however you want to create it but at the end of the day it doesn’t change the fact that he is still married.

 

Just because a married man talks about topics other than sex with his mistress does not mean that he’s in love with her nor does it mean that he sees her as his next wife, doesn't mean that what they have is *more than physical* either. Not all men who cheat on their wives/girlfriends are evil, some of them are very nice. They are very charming, charismatic, sexy, romantic, funny and passionate. It would have to take a woman with severely low self esteem to sleep with a married man who in the pursuing stage treats her like garbage. I’d like to believe that the men are nice to the woman who is offering up her body to him with absolutely no form of commitment in sight.

 

If the other woman mistakes his kindness as interest for a potential life partner then that’s where she’s missed the boat. The married man SHOULD treat his mistress kindly because he’s offering her nothing; no commitment, no Christmas celebrations together, no birthdays parties, she can’t meet his family nor his friends, everything has to be done hidden, quietly behind closed doors. So, if he’s not even treating her with kindness what on earth then is she doing with him?

Edited August 26, 2016 by loveisanaction

[Ahurtgirl]

Thank you for the continued discussion. He has blocked me from all communications and has threatened me to back off. I guess this is really done. (I may have contacted him with a bunch of emails and a call today again). I had to make sure he really was 100% sure he was done. He really will do well in his marriage now once things heal and he has this soft side to him that anyone would fall in love with but even if his marriage does not survive he made it very clear he cannot get past how I contacted his wife and what it has caused for him, stress and the work he now has to do to get his marriage saved, so he has no plan of ever pursuing me again. I think I just needed to be sure that I gave it my all to make sure there wasn't a chance for me. Now I just need to move forward.

[Lobe]

Now I just need to move forward.

 

What's your game plan, hurtgirl?

[Ahurtgirl]

I don't have one yet. I know this part of my life is done and I will never, and seriously, never have an affair again. I guess try to figure out if I stay separated or try being single which I think will be difficult for my daughter but might be the only way to start over from the right place in life. I think I need time to get over the affair though before I make that step.

[ladydesigner]

Thank you for the continued discussion. He has blocked me from all communications and has threatened me to back off. I guess this is really done. (I may have contacted him with a bunch of emails and a call today again). I had to make sure he really was 100% sure he was done. He really will do well in his marriage now once things heal and he has this soft side to him that anyone would fall in love with but even if his marriage does not survive he made it very clear he cannot get past how I contacted his wife and what it has caused for him, stress and the work he now has to do to get his marriage saved, so he has no plan of ever pursuing me again. I think I just needed to be sure that I gave it my all to make sure there wasn't a chance for me. Now I just need to move forward.

 

What a freakin cry baby he is. How can he get past himself for doing what he did to his wife sheesh. Sounds like another WS who has to shift the blame.

[Lobe]

I don't have one yet. I know this part of my life is done and I will never, and seriously, never have an affair again. I guess try to figure out if I stay separated or try being single which I think will be difficult for my daughter but might be the only way to start over from the right place in life. I think I need time to get over the affair though before I make that step.

 

Your biggest hurdle right now is probably to not contact him again, and to prevent him from contacting you. Even something as simple as deleting his phone number from your phone can be empowering as a first step. Do you have access to individual counselling?

[Ahurtgirl]

This forum is what I am trying out to see if it helps me get through this for now. I think that he has me blocked from communication in every shape and form that it doesn't matter if his number is deleted or not. My calls no longer go through and all his emails and texted are now blocked too. So I can no longer reach him. I know contact from my side should not be a problem now that I know he has absolutely no intentions of every contacting me again and he almost threatened me with a no contact being put against me, so... Going to walk away now and I just need to figure out what to do with my life from here on out. My visions of my future has completely changed now. I really thought he was going to start a life with me, so for the last four years I have been focusing on that.

Two songs lyrics come to mind right now as for how my life feels right now, "Here again I go on my own" and "There use to mad love, now we got bad blood" (or something like that). It stinks that it ended this way, but maybe that was the only way it would have ended. We had various breakups that would last a couple days at a time through out our relationship but we always found our way back. This time is completely different. I could actually hear the hate for me in his voice.

[elaine567]

You have to be proactive here and take the reins of your own life back.

Else, I imagine it would be very easy for you to sit around and wait and wait and wait... for him to come back... and that will do you no good whatsoever.

[Whoknew30]

This forum is what I am trying out to see if it helps me get through this for now. I think that he has me blocked from communication in every shape and form that it doesn't matter if his number is deleted or not. My calls no longer go through and all his emails and texted are now blocked too. So I can no longer reach him. I know contact from my side should not be a problem now that I know he has absolutely no intentions of every contacting me again and he almost threatened me with a no contact being put against me, so... Going to walk away now and I just need to figure out what to do with my life from here on out. My visions of my future has completely changed now. I really thought he was going to start a life with me, so for the last four years I have been focusing on that.

Two songs lyrics come to mind right now as for how my life feels right now, "Here again I go on my own" and "There use to mad love, now we got bad blood" (or something like that). It stinks that it ended this way, but maybe that was the only way it would have ended. We had various breakups that would last a couple days at a time through out our relationship but we always found our way back. This time is completely different. I could actually hear the hate for me in his voice.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this but wasn't him saying he hates you, closure enough & to make you open your eyes he's not this great, nice man you've made him out to be?

 

I told my H about my A & never once threw my A partner under the bus, bc I did care for him & owned my wrong in the whole situation. I'm sorry to say, he's nothing but a coward & if he can't even be honest after being caught...says he isn't a great, nice guy. People can show dignity even in they're in wrong situation, he showed his true colors. I think it's tough but good closure, some woman spend the rest of their life thinking they missed out on the "one"...you now know you arent missing out but dodged a major bullet.

[privategal]

As an outsider and former AP with absolutely ZERO judgement of former and current APS/OW/MOW....I just cannot for the life of me understand why you contacted his wife. I would be upset too. Its obviously a NO GO, it shouldn't have even been a question as to whether this was OK?

It's his WIFE. I don't understand what Made that OK for you in any circumstances to call her?

If the A was over and you were disclosing that's one thing, but ya....a MM trusts his AP to not blow up his life.

I'm unclear your thought process?

Either way, you see clearly NOW...He doesn't GAF about a fantasy relationship, he cares he doesn't look like a cheating a $$hole and that his secret isn't revealed to family, in laws, friends.

He will not give you a second chance to destroy his life, you broke trust, he likely wasn't leaving anyways, so ya, it's good you were rooting for his reconciliation.

I too think it's fake, but that isn't the point of reconciling. Sometimes it's love, sometimes it's to CYA and cover appearances and save MM from embarrassment, Shane, alimony, child support. Suddenly the boring sex less marriage (if that's even the case) doesn't seem so bad when he considers the nest egg and reputation he will lose. The bubble bursts. The fog lifts. The bus backs over you, it's over and your left with nothing.

[Lobe]

Privategal, I concur that something is rotten in Denmark. Maybe the OP wanted to force disclosure because she mistakenly gambled she was a shoe-in... Doesn't matter at this point though - true colors and all that...

[privategal]

Privategal, I concur that something is rotten in Denmark. Maybe the OP wanted to force disclosure because she mistakenly gambled she was a shoe-in... Doesn't matter at this point though - true colors and all that...

 

Right Love, I'm not sure what OP was thinking. Sympathy goes out to all in this sad tale geesh.

[Ahurtgirl]

I loved him with all my heart and believed we had a future together. However, that was not the reason I contacted. I made a huge mistake, take 100% blame for blowing up his life, as I never in the wildest dreams could have thought it would have turned his life upside down as it has. I never wanted to hurt him, not in a million years. I never told the wife anything about our relationship or any details. He buried himself as she demanded to know who I was and demanded to know how he knew me etc. When she asked what I wanted, I to her absolutely nothing. If I could go back in time, I would never have made the first call, let alone the second call to try to minimize damage as that was very much the wrong decision but at the time I was sure it was. I have lived and learned more from this experience than any other defining moment in my life. I feel like I betrayed him which was not my intent but that is what it is being seen as. If I could fix this in any way, I would. I am more sorry that a person can even imagine and I haven't been able to eat, sleep, barely function since this happened. It is absolutely tearing me apart and not sure if, or when I will ever recover.