SingleMom2016 Posted September 6, 2016 Posted September 6, 2016 I'm an educated professional woman in my late 30's. My banker ex-husband ended up in jail for white collar crimes just one month after our divorce. I was just as surprised as anyone when he was arrested. We'd had a good life, but after the financial crisis in 2008, he just couldn't get it together and started bahaving erraticly which ultimately lead to our divorce. He's not evil, just made very poor choices. He still communicates with our children via phone which I think is important for the kids, but can't see them. Now I'm a 100% single mom. I try to date but the question always comes up about how often I have my kids and if the dad is in the picture. I'm not upset that men ask, but I don't want to tell them the truth until I know that they are someone I'd like to pursue something with (at least a few dates). I just don't need everyone knowing my business. The "truth" is embarrassing to me, and probably intimidating to them. I don't want to get into it too soon. I haven't figured out a polite way to say "none of your business" (plus I really don't blame them for asking). I was thinking that I could give some type of generic response that would end the line of questioning until I was ready to discuss it but I haven't come up with anything. That's what I need help with. 1
bathtub-row Posted September 6, 2016 Posted September 6, 2016 Just say that their dad doesn't see the kids and you have them all the time. If they pursue more questions, just say that you'd rather not talk about it right now. 2
Toodaloo Posted September 6, 2016 Posted September 6, 2016 Do you get on well with your ex? I would just say that you get on well with him, your children are in contact with him but unable to see him or spend time with him right now. That you imagine that will change when circumstances also change and he is better able to spend time with them. Then when time comes you can tell them the truth and tell them that it is embarrassing and you don't like to talk about it. 2
smackie9 Posted September 6, 2016 Posted September 6, 2016 Why not just say "he is out of the picture now, so it's just me and my child....and I'm ok with that". 1
mortensorchid Posted September 6, 2016 Posted September 6, 2016 If you just have one date with a person and never see or hear from them again, not a problem. I have been out with guys with kids and I never ask them about them. Pethaps on date 2 they will ask about this. Once you're one date 3-etc., maybe they will ask about your kids'father. In this case tell them you're divorced, would rather not talk about the circumstances of it right now, but he is still in communication with them. If they push further, say he made some mistakes and ended up going to jail for it, but it had nothing to do with you or the kids and now it's behind all of you.
BikerAccnt Posted September 6, 2016 Posted September 6, 2016 I don't think you need to mention it at all really. It's no ones business. You could always say that you dont' know what your ex is up to now if asked. I mean, in all honesty, I don't know what my ex is up to. She could be in jail for all I know. Besides,fi I was dating you, I'd be more worried if I found out your ex was in jail for assault, battery, or murder, than for a white collar crime. I wouldn't want them coming after me in a fit of jealous rage So, I think your fine. 1
Gaeta Posted September 6, 2016 Posted September 6, 2016 Just tell the truth. What he did is no reflection on the person that you are. There is nothing 'shameful' for you, the shame is on him. Right now he is not in the picture but when he comes out he will want to reconnect with his children and can be 'very' present in your life and a future boyfriend needs to be aware of that. 1
angel.eyes Posted September 6, 2016 Posted September 6, 2016 For most people, the big question at the start is when you'll actually be available to date. So for a first date: I have my kids 100% of the time. My ex-husband will call them occasionally/regularly, but he hasn't actually seen them in XYZ time period. Then talk about when you use baby sitters, how often the kids are over their grandparents or at sleepovers, whether weekdays or weekends are easier for dates, etc. If for whatever reason, your husband being in jail comes up, then be honest. But I can't imagine how it would come up on an early date.
angel.eyes Posted September 6, 2016 Posted September 6, 2016 You could always say that you dont' know what your ex is up to now if asked. I mean, in all honesty, I don't know what my ex is up to. She could be in jail for all I know. In the OP's case, she would be lying if she claimed she didn't know. She does in fact know what he's up to. He's marinating behind prison walls. 1
sc0316 Posted September 6, 2016 Posted September 6, 2016 Can you just say your ex-hubby is not around physically, but still keeps in touch with your kids by phone. If pushed, you can say politely you'd rather not get into too much detail at this point.
Larryville Posted September 6, 2016 Posted September 6, 2016 Saw this thread earlier and I had to process this for a bit. First I’m thinking would I personally ever ask, no. I figure if the woman really sees me as someone she really wants to get to know and she feels the need to tell me then fine. Having said that, one women I dated did divulge her ex (BF) baby daddy was in prison. Much more details but (was young, going thru stuff) she met dude, they got high she got pregnant decided to keep her and decided to raise her on her own. In the back of my mind on this thread or in my own life if a woman told me an ex was in jail it would give me pause. In my example this woman’s judgment back then did have something to do with some issues she had later in life and that factors in whether or not you would want a long term relationship with someone with “judgement” issues. Now as for this Thread I'm an educated professional woman in my late 30's. My banker ex-husband ended up in jail for white collar crimes just one month after our divorce. I was just as surprised as anyone when he was arrested. We'd had a good life, but after the financial crisis in 2008, he just couldn't get it together and started bahaving erraticly which ultimately lead to our divorce. He's not evil, just made very poor choices. Keep in mind this statement is only for “discussion proposes” NOT judgement. Did your ex hubby give you any reason to sense something was not right with him or what he was doing? What did you know and when did you know it? He's not evil, just made very poor choices. Just tell the truth. What he did is no reflection on the person that you are Where I kinda disagree with G on this: From my perspective who we pick and decide to build a relationship with reflects on us. If someone picks a partner with issues and you excuse that behavior in any way then asking about an ex or your past relationships is important. If I met someone and she said to me, well my ex was a closet serial killer for most of our marriage and she said “I didn’t know for many years” I’m thinking really? You didn’t know? Again please not judging, but it is something that is a factor and what you say (or how you say it) can make or break a potential future relationship. Bottom line I would not say jack to ANYONE unless whoever you meet is someone you really want a relationship with.
jen1447 Posted September 6, 2016 Posted September 6, 2016 I agree w some of the others that you could just say he's not in the picture right now. (And smile while saying it.) That should be indication enough to any casual date that they're at the end of the line w that topic. And if you get to beyond a few dates w someone and feel like you want to elaborate, then you can, and you won't have lied in the process.
Gaeta Posted September 6, 2016 Posted September 6, 2016 (edited) Where I kinda disagree with G on this: From my perspective who we pick and decide to build a relationship with reflects on us. If someone picks a partner with issues and you excuse that behavior in any way then asking about an ex or your past relationships is important. If I met someone and she said to me, well my ex was a closet serial killer for most of our marriage and she said “I didn’t know for many years” I’m thinking really? You didn’t know? Again please not judging, but it is something that is a factor and what you say (or how you say it) can make or break a potential future relationship. Bottom line I would not say jack to ANYONE unless whoever you meet is someone you really want a relationship with. People sometimes have double lives and the first person of interest is the last one to know. When standing in the outside it's easy to say 'I would have seen something'. When we are directly involved it's not so easy. I have lived a few years with a man that did what OP's husband did and even worse. I never saw a hint of it. What I saw was a man coming home to me after work, a man who spent his weekends gardening and who liked Sunday afternoon movies. NO issues. NO mysterious whereabouts, NO mysterious spending, nothing. It exists. And what you are suggesting is that we are 'not smart enough' to have seen it and you would have been smart enough. It does not work that way. No, his actions does not reflect on the woman that I am. Finally, you suggest OP should not say a word tills he knows this is a prospect she wants a relationship with. I think the prospect has the right to the same respect. He should know what is the real situation to make a decision if he wants a relationship with her. Edited September 6, 2016 by Gaeta
SoleMate Posted September 6, 2016 Posted September 6, 2016 There have been more than a few serial murderers and rapists who faked a facade of Ward Cleaver to their nearest and dearest. Try Googling "BTK killer". So I disagree totally that spouses always know or should know. Back to OP......if and when you do get to mention that he's in prison, I'd hasten to add and underline that it is purely for a white collar offense. The thing that would legitimately offput a lot of people is to know that he's in prison and without more details, suspect it might be for a violent offense.
preraph Posted September 6, 2016 Posted September 6, 2016 Tell them he's not in the picture right now but probably will be at some point in the future.
Larryville Posted September 7, 2016 Posted September 7, 2016 I have lived a few years with a man that did what OP's husband did and even worse. I never saw a hint of it. What I saw was a man coming home to me after work, a man who spent his weekends gardening and who liked Sunday afternoon movies. NO issues. NO mysterious whereabouts, NO mysterious spending, nothing. It exists. And what you are suggesting is that we are 'not smart enough' to have seen it and you would have been smart enough. G: Was not implying “not smart enough” I guess I’m processing this from my perspective. I’m seriously predictable. You can set a watch to my habits. When there was deviation in any way to my “patterns” my wives asked questions. My dad was a highly successful business man, who was home, who did all of what you described but ME as a kid I always knew some things were just not cool. Long story short he cheated on my mom and was caught by a dude who was a major investor in his businesses and really cared for my mom. My dad lost everything. There were signals and signs all over the place and I recognized them as a kid and young teenager. Years later when my mom came to live with me we had a long discussion about those years. I revealed a lot of things that I THOUGHT my mom did not know about my dad. SHE KNEW EVERYTHING, but thought the marriage, keeping the family together and me having a dad in the home was far more important. This is not about being “smart enough” this is more about instincts and some people can read signs or red flags better than others. Just like on this site, people start threads because they keep picking the wrong people and getting into the wrong relationships. Are they “dumb” absolutely not it’s not about being smart but being aware. I will admit I think all human beings are seriously flawed until proven otherwise, so I see the ugliness LONG before most people. Many people are the opposite and can ONLY see the good in people and that is a gift I sometimes I wish I had. Maybe that is the OP in a nutshell and a lot of people particularly women. There have been more than a few serial murderers and rapists who faked a facade of Ward Cleaver to their nearest and dearest. Try Googling "BTK killer". So I disagree totally that spouses always know or should know. SM: I don’t disagree, I lived in Wichita and know more about BTK than most, while he did put on a façade some things frankly were not right about dude as told to me by a former detective. But like I said above some people are just better and seeing the dark or ugly side of people than others. Not about being smart or dumb.
Author SingleMom2016 Posted September 8, 2016 Author Posted September 8, 2016 Thanks to all of you for taking the time to reply to me. I found all your comments helpful and was not offended. Trust me, I have often asked myself why I didn't suspect anything but the fact is that he behaved normally regarding work and money and was home every night. When he started going thru issues with depression and anxiety I thought it was just good old fashioned mental health issues. I think that the pressure of the secrets and having gotten in over his head are what was killing him on the inside. It's really very sad. As far as my dates, I would definitely want to tell someone the entire truth before they decide if they want to be serious with me. That's only fair. I just don't want to tell them too soon while it's still a non-issue. Most of the early questions are usually just to figure out logistical issues and when I'm available but I like many of your ideas and will certainly put them to use. Best of luck to you all.
h0000 Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 You have to tell them the truth when they ask you. Telling them "I don't want to talk about it right now" is a terrible idea. They would think it must be something bad otherwise why so hard to tell? Besides I don't think many people would have that big of a problem with white collar crime as long as you are not the one who committed it
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