mac25 Posted September 6, 2016 Posted September 6, 2016 I am about to drop some very counter Intuitive knowledge about common dating advice. If you have had issues with first stages of dating- then this is for you. Men and women alike are told not to bring up any kind of DTR talk too soon. For the sake of this post, I want to define what I mean by "define the relationship talk". The DTR talk is simply a conversation defining the boundaries of your arrangement. This is where you sit down with the person you're seeing and mutually plot your relationship on the dating spectrum. Yes it's a spectrum. From drunken 3am hookup - to meet my parents this Christmas. Where do we fall... Conventional dating advice tells us that if you bring this conversation up to soon you will scare the person off. They will immediately run in the other direction and into the arms of someone more laid back and easy going than you. I think this is because firstly, most people assume that this conversation implies that you have some level of emotional investment in the other person. Emotional investment = scary. Hence the running for the hills. Secondly, it generally implies that you want to slap a label on your relationship. You want to take another human, and box them in. Again, very justifiable running for the hills. First - i'd like to unpack the first assumption by saying that having this convo does not necessarily mean your invested in the other person. To me, it actually means that you have a level of investment in yourself, your time and energy. AKA you're not going to stick around if your not on the same page. If he's down for 10pm netflix and chill dates, but you were thinking Saturday 2pm ice cream and long walks in the park - then it's just not gonna work. Also, if you are invested emotionally in someone, and that scares them off, them they are obviously not a good match for you. Secondly, this DTR talk assumes you wanna label the relationship. Of course they're going to wanna run then. You would too! No one likes obligations. No one likes to play a part. The problem runs deep in our culture as it views romantic relationships in a very strict, inflexible and lable-ey type way. It's even obvious when you fill out any form. You have to tic off little relationship status boxes. But do romantic relationships need to be so strict and rigid? What if we viewed romance more flexible and fluidly. Maybe people wouldn't be so god damn trapped and scared!! Maybe people would be less scared off by these conversations if they didn't feel like it was boxing them into some pre-defined role. A lot of people in my age bracket complain about the unfulfilling nature of dating in 2016. I think to make a change, we have to collectively start redefining what it means to have the DTR talk. Defanging it. Making it a lot less scary and intimidating for people. This conversation should NOT about boxing someone in. It's about defining what's comfortable and tolerable for you, and the other person. And maybe that will change over time, as you get to know someone - again flexible. We shouldn't make it seem like were permanently caging someone into a role in which the check-list is already set for them. A romantic arrangement is not a standard job posting with cut and dry requirements that must filled. The approach should look like, hey - lets build this check-list together. Isn't that healthier?? More open?? less run for the hills terrifying?? I just want to put this out there to anyone having current dating issues, or seeing pattern repeat itself. Conventional wisdom says, don't have a convo too soon. But do yourself the favour, step up, and have that conversation. It will do your love/sex/romantic life a great service. Thoughts? 1
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