Breaking Free After 28 Years Of Mental & Emotional Abuse

September 5, 2016

Hi. I am new to this forum. I hope that I am placing this thread in the right category.

The divorce is in progress, about half way there. It's been a long time coming but been a long hard emotional road.

He was very controlling, narcissist. Domestic violence has occurred and legal actions had to be taken with lawful consequences.

Yes I literally dodged a real bullet.

I was leaving him and wanted to for years. Never could for different reasons.

But when the violence went down within last 2 months, he was leaving me.

Our wedding anniversary was on July 28th and it had been 28 years.

I married very young at 16 and pregnant. Yes I was a teen mom. He is 7 years older than I. Yes, I know what you are thinking.

Now it's all been taken out of my hands. We have been separated by the legal consequences and we are in the middle of divorce.

Kids? Yes. All are grown but two living at home with two disabled and special needs kids. All in their 20's.

I work full time. I'm a full time night shift nurse working in Hospice care.

Stressful. Yes. But not the job so much.

Other than that, I'm in my 40's and this is my first divorce.

Why am I here? Well, I need people like your for insight, support, references, directions maybe, or maybe just a simple chat.

Nice to meet you. If you are someone like me escaping too, let me know. Would be glad to hear from you.

September 5, 2016

You are not alone to be ending a long-term marriage and be discovering life at your age. Look through the Infidelity forum, at threads like this, this, or this.

We are here and can help you through this...

September 6, 2016

Our wedding anniversary was on July 28th and it had been 28 years.

Given your expertise in the medical field and (I'd assume) a clear understanding of what abuse is, can't help but wonder - why stay 28 years under those circumstances ???

Mr. Lucky

September 6, 2016

CarrieT, thank you very much. It's nice to know that I am not alone. I will check out the other threads, etc. Looking forward to your replies. And yes I do have a lot to discover at my age. So many things I want to do that I never got to do.

September 6, 2016

Given your expertise in the medical field and (I'd assume) a clear understanding of what abuse is, can't help but wonder - why stay 28 years under those circumstances ???

Mr. Lucky

Dear Mr. Lucky, here's a few facts that I haphazardly left out:

#1) I have not always been a nurse. That did not occur until 2013.

#2) When I first got married, I know I was young, but I thought that I had to get married because I was 2 months pregnant with his child. I thought it was the right thing to do for the baby but not for me. Again, this was back in the 80's, and I thought I was suppose to do as my parents did. But I didn't know much different. I mean, I had friends whose parents were divorced but I never really was around it much and I thought one man to one woman. I thought it was the biblical and right thing to do, even if it meant ruining mine.

#3) I always thought it would get better. Did I see red flags in beginning? Yes, I thought so. Again being young I thought well, this is how it is and I am suppose to take what he says and do what he says and obey what he says cause he says its from the Bible. I was being "rebellious" if I didn't. So I thought, well, maybe its because I was young and we had not been married young and all marriages start out rocky and have to work out some bumps in the road.

#4) I actually left 2 or 3 times but he didn't stay away he came crying and begging me back. I had the kids and I was poor. My sister and brother tried to get me to leave for good but I thought I had to do it for the kids and plus I had a disabled child and no place to go and no career and no job and no money and no car. No way of escape back in the day and I was not aware of resources. I actually have two disabled kids now, but like I said now they are grown. And now I have the job, I have the money, I have shelter, and lots of resources that I didn't have before.

#5) As time went on, he became ill in health and I thought I was suppose to take care of him. He had been retired for years. Almost 15-20 years. No joke. So I always felt like I was his daughter at first who was suppose to obey him, then I felt as if I was his care giver and I would be sentenced to a bad place if I didn't do my "nursing" role.

And in addition, within the last year or so, his psychiatric issues became more apparent and progressive as well as his health. I had dealt with his controlling behaviors and then one day I got tired. I was being mistreated and he was "out to get me". He did things like locking me up in a hot car, etc. There was other things in the end and we had been actually separated for years but living in same home and sleeping in same bed even though we had been separated (intimately over 20 years).

So the kids were grown, he progressed with health issues and psych issues, and I had resources now.

But honestly, looking back on all of this, I should not have gotten pregnant,or married, and I should have left early on even if I had to walk and run the streets. Sounds like I'm blaming it all on him, but I am not.

Its my fault for staying and my fault for not putting a stop to a lot of things, but I hope this reply clears up a few things for you. Yeah, sometimes I sit and think, what the ?#*! was I doing and thinking.

Edited September 6, 2016 by Breakingfree44
left out quotations

September 6, 2016

Welcome,

My heart hurts after reading your description and recognizing how long you went through that abuse. I see that you are not looking for pity or to make any one feel sorry for you but after my own short experience with emotional abuse, it makes me sad all the same. Especially the part about your ex-husband using the Bible as a means for justifying his abuse. How do you feel towards Christianity and the Bible after that experience? What kind of support system do you have around you now (friends, family, etc.)?

September 6, 2016

But honestly, looking back on all of this, I should not have gotten pregnant,or married, and I should have left early on even if I had to walk and run the streets. Sounds like I'm blaming it all on him, but I am not.

Its my fault for staying and my fault for not putting a stop to a lot of things, but I hope this reply clears up a few things for you. Yeah, sometimes I sit and think, what the ?#*! was I doing and thinking.

Listen, life happens, all of us here understand that. But you are right - unless he had you chained in the basement, at some point staying is on you.

After the last legal episode, what is your living situation? And more importantly, what are your plans ???

Mr. Lucky

September 6, 2016

Welcome to Loveshack, Breakingfree44.

Glad you've chosen to join us

September 6, 2016

Welcome,

My heart hurts after reading your description and recognizing how long you went through that abuse. I see that you are not looking for pity or to make any one feel sorry for you but after my own short experience with emotional abuse, it makes me sad all the same. Especially the part about your ex-husband using the Bible as a means for justifying his abuse. How do you feel towards Christianity and the Bible after that experience? What kind of support system do you have around you now (friends, family, etc.)?

Awww! Thank you! I am sorry for your hurt as well. Yes I do hurt but I had been separating myself mentally for a while now, and so I think that helps me.

You're right I am not looking for pity nor for anyone to feel sorry for me. I just want day to day coping. I need support and guidance. I need people who share the same to just talk to. Talking helps.

I have no family where I live. I am all alone. I am scared sometimes too because I am afraid that when he gets out of jail, that he will show up at my home even though there is protection orders in place---it's just a piece of paper.

I do have co-workers and other friends and I have been talking to relatives on the phone that I had not got to talk to since I was married. I was isolated from all contact with family and friends. I was never allowed on phone, on computers, on tv, or even to go outside or listen to music. That's another story, but now some very few select people are finally starting to reach out to me to contact me. Although I have to watch who I talk to and what I say. I just need people to talk to is all but not to bash him or me or the kids. I just need to talk to help with coping.

How do I feel about Christianity now? Well, I must say I had been in church all my life. I had visited different types of churches with husband and with family and friends. But yes it makes me confused but then I know better on most subjects but I feel like this is driving me further away from it all. Starting to question my own beliefs and faith. Even thought about completely changing my whole religion. I don't know.

I am looking into counseling.

September 6, 2016

Listen, life happens, all of us here understand that. But you are right - unless he had you chained in the basement, at some point staying is on you.

After the last legal episode, what is your living situation? And more importantly, what are your plans ???

Mr. Lucky

I am not sure if I know what you mean regarding living situation. But here is what I am doing now:

*I live in a house, same one where violence/unlawful act occurred. Do I want to since it all went down in my bedroom? No. Do I have a choice? No not at the moment. Rent is expensive and now since divorcing, been saving pennies and with husband in jail and he is gone and I don't have his income, well, it's just a little harder and takes a longer time to get the money I need, but it will happen in time. I'm on contract. Landlord doesn't want me moving but I need to talk with her because they don't know why the cops were here at my house and what happened.

But I live here with two sons (both adults in their 20's). I still work full time night shifts. I work, eat, sleep, go to court, run errands, and repeat.

I have a disabled son who I can't leave to go out much, but my other daughter lets him stay with her at her apartment on the nights I work since older son works full time day shifts.

Plans? Well I don't know. I want to continue with divorce. Date? I have no clue, but if I did I don't want sons or anyone to know since I can't get serious or wont anyways, its best to leave it at that. Since I have been questioning my religion, I don't even know if I will date. I don't know.

Want to sort of, but scared to sort of, I dont know. Want to have fun yes and just do some things, but serious, not right away.

I have a lot to work on myself. Like counseling, my own actions and behaviors. I want to better myself. I want to get certified in hospice nursing. I want to continue to improve my physical appearance for myself and just in case there is a dear future husband. I want to travel, maybe write books. I want to enjoy things that I never got to do while married like enjoy time with family and friends. Like picnics, holidays. We didn't celebrate holidays much. I can now decorate and go out and enjoy all of the holiday sights and sounds and I will be able to enjoy it with family and friends. So much to see and do. I love coffee and tea shops and I enjoy drinking coffee and teas and spending time it. I love art, museums, Broadway shows, and watching some sports live. So that's my future plans.

September 6, 2016

Thank you for the welcome Satu!

September 7, 2016

Awww! Thank you! I am sorry for your hurt as well. Yes I do hurt but I had been separating myself mentally for a while now, and so I think that helps me.

You're right I am not looking for pity nor for anyone to feel sorry for me. I just want day to day coping. I need support and guidance. I need people who share the same to just talk to. Talking helps.

I have no family where I live. I am all alone. I am scared sometimes too because I am afraid that when he gets out of jail, that he will show up at my home even though there is protection orders in place---it's just a piece of paper.

I do have co-workers and other friends and I have been talking to relatives on the phone that I had not got to talk to since I was married. I was isolated from all contact with family and friends. I was never allowed on phone, on computers, on tv, or even to go outside or listen to music. That's another story, but now some very few select people are finally starting to reach out to me to contact me. Although I have to watch who I talk to and what I say. I just need people to talk to is all but not to bash him or me or the kids. I just need to talk to help with coping.

How do I feel about Christianity now? Well, I must say I had been in church all my life. I had visited different types of churches with husband and with family and friends. But yes it makes me confused but then I know better on most subjects but I feel like this is driving me further away from it all. Starting to question my own beliefs and faith. Even thought about completely changing my whole religion. I don't know.

I am looking into counseling.

Talking really is a huge help but like you said, being careful of talking to the right people. I think counseling would be of utmost importance. From your description, this was certainly not a small ordeal. You seem very kindhearted and I am so glad that this did not break you. How did your children deal with it all? Is there a good chance that he would be released soon? Where are you in regards to your anger/feelings towards him?

I can understand why this would bring up questions about Christianity and your beliefs. I'd really love to hear more on how it affected this aspect if you are open to sharing. The reason I'm honing in on this is because my relationship with God was how I got through the healing process. I really don't know what I would have done without having that. I just found this immense peace despite the pain and destruction. Another aspect is that I found a lot of wisdom from other Christians that helped me work through the aftermath.

I will be praying for you, that the right people are brought into your life and that you will continue finding hope <3

September 7, 2016

Talking really is a huge help but like you said, being careful of talking to the right people. I think counseling would be of utmost importance. From your description, this was certainly not a small ordeal. You seem very kindhearted and I am so glad that this did not break you. How did your children deal with it all? Is there a good chance that he would be released soon? Where are you in regards to your anger/feelings towards him?

I can understand why this would bring up questions about Christianity and your beliefs. I'd really love to hear more on how it affected this aspect if you are open to sharing. The reason I'm honing in on this is because my relationship with God was how I got through the healing process. I really don't know what I would have done without having that. I just found this immense peace despite the pain and destruction. Another aspect is that I found a lot of wisdom from other Christians that helped me work through the aftermath.

I will be praying for you, that the right people are brought into your life and that you will continue finding hope <3

The sweetest thing, thank you very much.

More on my religious insight: I sometimes question why, but I know all things happen for a reason. At times I cry still and each day I learn to get through. I don't know exact directions I am going. I do know that God has been in this because of all that I have over came already. I thought maybe returning back to my roots in my religion, but then when I was young, I remember I broke up with a guy cause I wanted to live better as a christian but he wanted more intimacy while we were dating. The real person in me wanted that too but I knew it was wrong, but I wound up being intimate anyways but with the guy I married. I was two months pregnant when we got married with his child. Now looking back I kind wanted my ex back but that won't ever happen. We had the best of times and we were always surrounded by friends and family.

Now I can only better myself and try to do better and live better for myself. Create happiness, find happiness, and make some great happier memories with my own kids.

How did they cope? Well, my daughter is worried about me but she is fine with our divorce, and thinks it should have happened sooner. She too is disabled but living out on her own. She was my hero that day (July 27th).

My youngest one, who is disabled, saw the whole event on the day they took my husband away. I feel bad for him, but he is also one of my heroes on that day, not just as a witness, but he talked to the police when I couldn't even speak a word, and he talked my husband down which let him to put the weapon down. He almost witnessed a murder and suicide all in one day. That breaks my heart the most. And he didn't get to say good bye to his dad when they came to take him away. That makes me cry.

My husband and I were arguing that day I was leaving him, but on that day he was leaving me.

My older son has been in the dark on a lot of things, and sometimes doesn't know who to believe. But his aunt (my husbands sister) has told him there was no real gun or weapon and that he wasn't going to shoot it and that he didn't point it at me or threaten me, but she wasn't here. She has no idea. So yes, I have tried explaining to him a lot of things, but I also know not to persuade to choose sides. I am not asking him to do that.

Their dad is their dad. He will always be. I want them to spend time with him while they can because i know he will not be living soon.

They are all grown but I think its worse on grown ups than smaller children under 5 due to chances of remembering.

Speaking of release, he gets out tomorrow around noon. Suppose to be going back to his county of birth to live with sister, which is about 4 to 6 hours from me. Do I feel scared? A little bit. But there is protection plan in place even though its just a piece of paper.

I've had a few Christian friends praying for me and and co-workers too and also I've had friends who have went through divorces which helps a lot. Another friend of mine has been supporting me as support and advocate through the whole court processes, since she worked for law before she became a nurse. So it's interesting how it all played out.

September 7, 2016

Just signed up for counseling, any tips/info/advice r/t domestic violence?

September 17, 2016

So divorce is still pending, we go back to court soon. Now I am in counseling, which has just recently begun this past week. Now we have to go back to court to take care of our assets and also my son is starting to act up. He is 27 and still lives at home, trying to control me like his dad did. Now what?

September 18, 2016

First, you really need to take all of this one day at a time. It will take you a long time to deal with all this in a healthy way.

In counseling you need to learn a lot of things. Learn about codependency, boundaries, feeling good about yourself, just a ton of stuff.

Take you time and don't rush through any of it.

Over time you will come out the other side a better stronger person.

Bless you...

September 18, 2016

Thank you. I know it's going to take a while. My counselor has already informed me that I need to put me first now and take care of me first because I have been through a lot lately and plus the abuse for so long. She said I need to put my intellect over my feelings. I realize now that I need to do what needs to be done and yes I've had a lot of feelings lately but each day is a different story.

September 19, 2016

Yes this is a really difficult thing to learn for people like us. As a man, while I did not suffer the physical stuff much, I let myself care for every one else around me more than I cared for myself. For the most part my needs always came last if ever.

How it ever got that way I really don't understand, but now I realize that I really do matter. I deserve to be happy or at least try to be happy.

I really am just starting to understand some of this myself. I will tell you this, when you start taking care of yourself, you will get flack from all the people around you because you are changing. It took a long time for all my people to understand that I am not at their beck and call at a moments notice.

I made them do things for themselves and for a while it really bothered them. For the most part, they started to understand but it took a while.

You just keep it together and get healthy, I think you will be fine.

September 19, 2016

and also my son is starting to act up. He is 27 and still lives at home, trying to control me like his dad did. Now what?

Both of my adult daughters with us (both in their 20s). I'm happy to let them do so: they're fun to be around and contribute their share to the household. BUT, it that changed, if they were more of a challenge to live with than not, they would likely get invited to leave.

It's time for a come-to-Jesus meeting with your son. You might say that you realize that the divorce is hard and disorienting on him too, but that you're not going to tolerate whatever the issue is, and if he doesn't change his ways he's welcome to figure out his own living arrangements. Though if this is your disabled son the consequences are likely going to be different.

September 19, 2016

You just keep it together and get healthy, I think you will be fine.

It's hard to do so, when lately I just want to crawl into a shell and not get out. There's lots of limitations on me anyways. And I'm not so sure that I will be fine. I mean, I've done without some things for years and this has been years of abuse. I don't think it's going to go away in a year, actually, I think a lot of it will be hanging over me until I die. That's just how I feel. Twenty eight years plus other damage beforehand, well, that grows on you. It's like I've grown up into it and no way to grow out of it. I can't explain it. But I know what I want, but I know is more than likely not to happen. Happiness in my life and in my family is like a fantasy word that you can only dream about.

September 19, 2016

It's time for a come-to-Jesus meeting with your son. You might say that you realize that the divorce is hard and disorienting on him too, but that you're not going to tolerate whatever the issue is, and if he doesn't change his ways he's welcome to figure out his own living arrangements. Though if this is your disabled son the consequences are likely going to be different.

Well its not the disabled son. And our lives are so complicated. How will I ever be able to come and go as I please? How will I ever be able to date, when the time does come when I have a disabled adult son to watch over every day?

I don't know how people do that. Its not possible to be in my to do list.

I'm not saying that my disabled son is the problem. I love both of my sons. I just need to figure out a way to be more free even if I choose not to date, which dating is another fantasy word. Probably not ever gonna happen.

September 19, 2016

Listen, I understand and no one expects you to get over this stuff in a year.

But on the other hand, you just have to stop thinking that way about this stuff. I was just like you in my thinking about my life and our situation. All I could see was darkness, and I never thought that I could be happy.

Now, I am not doing dances in the street, but I am a lot happier. Counseling helped a lot, but I just got so tired of feeling that way.

As a practical matter, the are people that can look after your disabled son when you want to go out. I am thinking that your oldest should be able to do that with out an issue.

Look he is 27 and he has a responsibility to help you out, not only because he is living with you, but because he is your son.

Keep working on yourself, not of this stuff will happen overnight. Just hang tough, as hard as this is, just keep doing that.

September 21, 2016

The sweetest thing, thank you very much.

More on my religious insight: I sometimes question why, but I know all things happen for a reason. At times I cry still and each day I learn to get through. I don't know exact directions I am going. I do know that God has been in this because of all that I have over came already. I thought maybe returning back to my roots in my religion, but then when I was young, I remember I broke up with a guy cause I wanted to live better as a christian but he wanted more intimacy while we were dating. The real person in me wanted that too but I knew it was wrong, but I wound up being intimate anyways but with the guy I married. I was two months pregnant when we got married with his child. Now looking back I kind wanted my ex back but that won't ever happen. We had the best of times and we were always surrounded by friends and family.

Now I can only better myself and try to do better and live better for myself. Create happiness, find happiness, and make some great happier memories with my own kids.

How did they cope? Well, my daughter is worried about me but she is fine with our divorce, and thinks it should have happened sooner. She too is disabled but living out on her own. She was my hero that day (July 27th).

My youngest one, who is disabled, saw the whole event on the day they took my husband away. I feel bad for him, but he is also one of my heroes on that day, not just as a witness, but he talked to the police when I couldn't even speak a word, and he talked my husband down which let him to put the weapon down. He almost witnessed a murder and suicide all in one day. That breaks my heart the most. And he didn't get to say good bye to his dad when they came to take him away. That makes me cry.

My husband and I were arguing that day I was leaving him, but on that day he was leaving me.

My older son has been in the dark on a lot of things, and sometimes doesn't know who to believe. But his aunt (my husbands sister) has told him there was no real gun or weapon and that he wasn't going to shoot it and that he didn't point it at me or threaten me, but she wasn't here. She has no idea. So yes, I have tried explaining to him a lot of things, but I also know not to persuade to choose sides. I am not asking him to do that.

Their dad is their dad. He will always be. I want them to spend time with him while they can because i know he will not be living soon.

They are all grown but I think its worse on grown ups than smaller children under 5 due to chances of remembering.

Speaking of release, he gets out tomorrow around noon. Suppose to be going back to his county of birth to live with sister, which is about 4 to 6 hours from me. Do I feel scared? A little bit. But there is protection plan in place even though its just a piece of paper.

I've had a few Christian friends praying for me and and co-workers too and also I've had friends who have went through divorces which helps a lot. Another friend of mine has been supporting me as support and advocate through the whole court processes, since she worked for law before she became a nurse. So it's interesting how it all played out.

I have been thinking about you even though I did not have a chance to respond until now. Any changes since this was posted and he was released? There is no doubt that this is an overwhelming amount for you to process through and even begin to heal from. I'm glad you have been going through the counseling and I hope that will continue to be a positive experience. Have you considered journaling or any form of writing? I know that sounds cliche but in addition to talking, I think being able to write out your experience and feelings would be helpful, especially the things that you may not be comfortable sharing with others just yet. I am continuing to pray for you. I'm praying for peace that can only come from God because it's clear that this world has shown you a lot of hurt. <3

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