Why do some people reject those they really like...?

[surferchic]

...You should explore that.... I would.

 

It's good to introspect... that is how we learn what makes us "tiick"....

 

Lol,Thanks again katiegrl. I've been exploring my issues and therapy for a while now so I'mI'm good with that...or at least work in progress. I know for sure i have some issues. That's mainly why I'm posting this thread with such probing questions.

 

But for the sake of clarity, i didn't say that i like him just because his attention diminished a bit. I've liked him a bit since we started communicating over the past several months,i.e. when he asked my friend for my number,Instead of asking me when we spoke several times at the party we saw each other at... Meaning have been reciprocating flirts and communication with him. Prior to the party we met at, we never communicated so i didn't know his heart ,his mind or his sensuality. I think the attention from him is what i like more than anything. I don't ignore guys JUST because they show me attention though... nor do i like guys just because they pull back. And i definitely dont chase...noooo.

 

Things im saying in this thread are as good as it gets in terms of communication. I haven't reached out to him since he texted me a few days ago. Not saying I'm ignoring him, its just that his text didnt warrant a response...

 

I never ignored this guy, i just never thought about him because we were never in contact prior to him getting my number and calling me. Even then, we started out platonic. He quickly started crossing the friendship line, asking deeper questions, callingat night, even early in the morning a few times....like before 7:00 am... weird,but yeah... then even before we became intimate we were both seeing other people, but not on a serious level. Our circles of friends are very close...

 

Oh well. I guess neither here or there anymore...

[surferchic]

This thread has got my brain spinning a bit (as you've probably noticed...lol).

 

I was thinking about the title of your thread surfer chick "Why do some people reject those they really like...?"

 

The flip side of that would be "why do we reject people who really like us, then when they stop liking us, we start liking them?"

 

Interesting, eh?

 

Thoughts?

I like that. If you know how to change the title, do let me know. I'd change it in a snap, lol...minus "then when they stop liking us we start liking them".

 

I DID like him WHILE we were communicating more....not just now... id like that to be clear....and he hasnt stopped liking me. He asked me a personal question a few days ago, but i havent decided how im supposed to respond. Id like to keep some stuff to myself,sorry.... That was a few days ago.i just wish things weren't slow like they are now...

Edited September 6, 2016 by surferchic

[katiegrl]

I like that. If you know how to change the title, do let me know. I'd change it in a snap, lol. Really....

 

Do you think it's true though?

 

I admit is was for me when I was younger... but I must've grown out of it or something cause I don't feel that way anymore.

 

There are many components that go into my 'liking' a guy (chemistry and our energy being the major one initially) and then when he expresses interest in me, it increases my interest level.

 

If he were to lose interest in me, while hurt an disappointed, I would eventually lose interest in him.

 

I am not one of those people who "wants what I can't have."

 

I am a bit of a weirdo though... so you can take what I say with a grain of salt if you want.

 

Hey and thank YOU for sharing too! This board can be quite cathartic! Who would have thought.... lol

[katiegrl]

 

I DID like him WHILE we were communicating more....not just now... id like that to be clear....and he hasnt stopped liking me.

 

He asked me a personal question a few days ago, but i havent decided how im supposed to respond. Id like to keep some stuff to myself,sorry.... That was a few days ago.

 

i just wish things weren't slow like they are now...

 

If you don't wish for things to be so slow, might I suggest you start responding to his messages/texts in a more timely fashion?

 

You are probably driving him crazy with your elusiveness.

 

And although you say you are not ignoring, try looking at it from his perspective.

 

He sends you a message and you don't respond (at least not for awhile - DAYS?)... so in HIS eyes you ARE ignoring him.

 

Respond to his messages! If you don't wish to answer his question right then, tell him you will answer it when you see him... that you don't like to get into it via text message.

Edited September 6, 2016 by katiegrl

[surferchic]

If you don't wish for things to be so slow, might I suggest you start responding to his messages/texts in a more timely fashion?

 

You are probably driving him crazy with your elusiveness.

 

And although you say you are not ignoring, try looking at it from his perspective.

 

He sends you a message and you don't respond (at least not for awhile - DAYS?)... so in HIS eyes you ARE ignoring him.

 

Respond to his messages! If you don't wish to answer his question right then, tell him you will answer it when you see him... that you don't like to get into it via text message.

Thanks, you're right about from his perspective. Unfortunately, i feel like some damage may have already been done, i.e. his ego. I wont be a stranger , but for good reason i cant keep putting myself out there just bcuz hes shy ,akward, bruised,etc. I dont chase men... Thats why post in LS so much i guess. Its my only outlet,especially since i dont plan on spilling my guts to a guy, nor do i chase...

 

And to answer your realist question, i think it's sometimes true with people in general (push/pull). But pertaining specifically to me, i actually didnt start liking this guy UNTIL he started actively showing interest in me.... i feel like you may be confused aboutmy attraction to him and my motivation. Trust me, soon enough i will stop thinking about this whole situation especially if this is all its going to be,i.e. push /pull.

[katiegrl]

Thanks, you're right about from his perspective. Unfortunately, i feel like some damage may have already been done, i.e. his ego. I wont be a stranger , but for good reason i cant keep putting myself out there just bcuz hes shy ,akward, bruised,etc. I dont chase men... Thats why post in LS so much i guess. Its my only outlet,especially since i dont plan on spilling my guts to a guy, nor do i chase...

 

And to answer your realist question, i think it's sometimes true with people in general (push/pull). But pertaining specifically to me, i actually didnt start liking this guy UNTIL he started actively showing interest in me.... i feel like you may be confused aboutmy attraction to him and my motivation. Trust me, soon enough i will stop thinking about this whole situation especially if this is all its going to be,i.e. push /pull.

 

I don't chase men either... nor do I spill my guts (hardly!), but when I'm into a guy I am responsive.

 

When they text/email/call me, I respond, I don't make them wait... especially for days, that sounds crazy to me.

 

When they ask me out, I accept fairly quickly (if they texted me) and if I'm not available, I offer an alternative day.

 

That is NOT chasing.

 

That is responding, big difference.

 

Unless a guy has major issues (prefers a woman to be a big challenge or who plays games), he will appreciate her responsiveness.

 

THAT is how you get the ball rolling. Not by waiting DAYS to respond to a dam text message.

 

Sorry I don't mean to be so harsh with you, but seriously... a guy needs to know YOU are into him too.

 

That does not mean spilling your guts by any stretch, not sure where you even got that..

 

Just responding to his messages in a timely fashion would be a good start though.

 

That said I don't particularly enjoy the push/pull either but realize it's gonna happen especially in the early stages, at least to some extent.

 

I just roll with it...but if it continues, that gets old, I will get bored and eventually lose interest.

Edited September 6, 2016 by katiegrl

[thespacey1]

Hey OP. The guy you're describing in this thread kind of reminds me of the landlord in this movie called "The Resident",with Hillary Swank. Lots of guys will reject someone they like deliberately so that they can feel like they have the upper hand.

 

It's not as complicated as you and some posters are making it out to be. There's nothing wrong with the title of this thread. I read the details of your other thread and posts in this thread. A. He's socially awkward and shy B. He saw you at a party and didnt bother to get your number then...? C. He's still attracted to you after all these years D. Sounds like you have several mutual friends and you know his background

 

Question. Has he ever mentioned long term, marriage, etc? Also, how does he act in person?

[katiegrl]

Hey OP. The guy you're describing in this thread kind of reminds me of the landlord in this movie called "The Resident",with Hillary Swank. Lots of guys will reject someone they like deliberately so that they can feel like they have the upper hand.

 

It's not as complicated as you and some posters are making it out to be. There's nothing wrong with the title of this thread. I read the details of your other thread and posts in this thread. A. He's socially awkward and shy B. He saw you at a party and didnt bother to get your number then...? C. He's still attracted to you after all these years D. Sounds like you have several mutual friends and you know his background

 

Question. Has he ever mentioned long term, marriage, etc? Also, how does he act in person?

 

JMO but I think things did get a bit more complicated once they had sex.

 

Beforehand, he kept bragging how great he was, but the reality was he was nothing of the sort, not in surferchic's opinion anyway.

 

Assuming what you said re The Resident is true (loved that movie BTW, really creepy but right up my alley...lol), let the games begin.

[surferchic]

I don't chase men either... nor do I spill my guts (hardly!), but when I'm into a guy I am responsive.

 

When they text/email/call me, I respond, I don't make them wait... especially for days, that sounds crazy to me.

 

When they ask me out, I accept fairly quickly (if they texted me) and if I'm not available, I offer an alternative day.

 

That is NOT chasing.

 

That is responding, big difference.

 

Unless a guy has major issues (prefers a woman to be a big challenge or who plays games), he will appreciate her responsiveness.

 

THAT is how you get the ball rolling. Not by waiting DAYS to respond to a dam text message.

 

Sorry I don't mean to be so harsh with you, but seriously... a guy needs to know YOU are into him too.

 

That does not mean spilling your guts by any stretch, not sure where you even got that..

 

Just responding to his messages in a timely fashion would be a good start though.

 

That said I don't particularly enjoy the push/pull either but realize it's gonna happen especially in the early stages, at least to some extent.

 

I just roll with it...but if it continues, that gets old, I will get bored and eventually lose interest.

 

No offense taken. His lest text did not warrant a response ,but i could very well use that to reach out to him.

 

I can appreciate where you're coming from. But to be clear, i never tried to insinuate that you chase men. I was making those statements for the benefit of the whole group. Some people saying stuff like let him go, don't chase him, etc when i never chased him. Several layers don't even read details, they just start chiming in. That's incredibly annoying.

 

Honestly nowadays I'm working on being a bit more transparent with men. I know they have feelings too.

 

Thing is, there are details that not everyone is privy to. He's put himself out there a bit... so have i. However, i do know men who are very sensitive. He is one of them. He's sensitive and shy. That doesn't mean he's stupid though. He knows about me being engaged and how statuesque my ex was ,etc. Maybe sounds superficial, but to have been with this current guy and him know that i probably was not pleased in bed, really gut punched him a bit and I regret that, but i can't control his thoughts or feelings.

 

He's a VERY sensitive soul, not a wuss,just very sensitive and doesn't miss a beat. So for several reasons I'm sure he assumes that I'm going to just find someone else to please me sexually and that he should guard his heart with his life! I'm not a player, but he's made comments to make me think he assumes I'm this city girl who men run after. He knows a few of our friends who've hit on me . So there are probably all kinds of things going on in his mind. His best friend told me years ago ,that women would take advantage of him and mess over him because of his niceness. So at this point, i feel like those chics have scarred him and kind of made it difficult for well meaning females like myself. Im not a superficial chic...at all.

 

One reason i like this guy. I know he values more than just sex or material things. He said he would like to see me again,but i am the one who backed away due to his comment about him being depressed...

[deep_night]

it's easy to say that when someone's really into you they'll do everything in their power to be around you.

 

but it's not always the case.

(i agree with phineas)

 

i always tend to feel that the man im dating would never think of me as his first and best choice... and even if he does seem smitten, somewhere deep inside I have a stupid irrational certainty that soon the truth will be uncovered: he will realize that im boring and go for someone better. so because I really tend to believe these things, i feel that it's better to end things before i get too involved :/ its messed up but it's how it has been for me.

 

i mean, even if a man literally chained himself to me, i'd still feel uncertain about his feelings :| it takes a lot for me to feel confident, and still...

 

it's no one else's fault but my own (usually)

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

I've known people to do this when they have suffered traumatic pasts, particularly an abusive childhood. Sometimes such people associate intimacy with fear, since they learned at an early age that people close to you (ie parents) can hurt you more than anyone. In my experience, they have difficulty forming close bonds with people when those scars are very deep. Emotional attachment can be a scary thing for them.

 

Others have had bad relationship experiences. Perhaps there was abuse, cheating, neglect, a sudden and seemingly unexplained breakup.

 

Getting close to someone requires a willingness to be vulnerable. Many people have a lot of trouble really allowing themselves to open up and experience that vulnerability, since their trust has been so badly betrayed before. Sometimes they prefer to keep a "safe' distance and thus reject someone they actually really do like and care about. It's sort of an "I'll leave you before you leave me" mentality.

 

 

God Ive done this before. Worse mistake of my life. Biggest regret. I couldn't understand WHY he would like me, while so many others have chosen to reject me over and over. Being loved felt a lot like being lied to over and over.

[loverboy69]

I used to suffer from low self esteem for reasons nobody would understand but me.

 

I remember a guy I liked for a long time basically pinned me in the corner and told me he knew I liked him and was wondering when I was going to ask him out. Instead of sealing the deal I made a snooty comment about how if I really wanted him I would of had him already.

 

Those little words pretty much ruined everything. Low self esteem coupled with nerves resulted in self sabotage.

 

Most people learn from their missteps. I unfortunately repeated this pattern a few times until I finally knew how to be comfortable in my skin and accept myself for the catch I was/am!

[surferchic]

God Ive done this before. Worse mistake of my life. Biggest regret. I couldn't understand WHY he would like me, while so many others have chosen to reject me over and over. Being loved felt a lot like being lied to over and over.

 

Thanks for sharing. It takes a lot to even admit what you've admitted.

 

While the guy I've mentioned had some issues with self esteem, I think i do as well. Although I've gotten better over the years, there must be something in me that even allows me to tolerate men w/ issues like his and issues even worse than his.

 

Smh...is that tolerance necessarily all bad? I'm not sure.

[surferchic]

Hey OP. The guy you're describing in this thread kind of reminds me of the landlord in this movie called "The Resident",with Hillary Swank. Lots of guys will reject someone they like deliberately so that they can feel like they have the upper hand.

 

It's not as complicated as you and some posters are making it out to be. There's nothing wrong with the title of this thread. I read the details of your other thread and posts in this thread. A. He's socially awkward and shy B. He saw you at a party and didnt bother to get your number then...? C. He's still attracted to you after all these years D. Sounds like you have several mutual friends and you know his background

 

Question. Has he ever mentioned long term, marriage, etc? Also, how does he act in person?

Thanx spacey1.

 

He spoke more about family type stuff than not. He'sa family type guy.not saying hes perfect,just describing what i know about him and how much time and energy he spends with his parents and his son. (Single dad.)

 

When i saw him at the party a few months ago/in person, he acted ok still a tad bit weird. When he first saw me he was like " hey 'surferchic', you not married yet ?"(as he looked at my hand for a ring). That seemed a bit strange rather than a normal act of just giving someone a hug and saying hey how have u been...? He brought it up again,so i said no not married yet. Was engaged...him,"oh ? WERE engaged hu?"....

 

-->Then later that evening he spent a decent amount of time loading this app on my phone . A groupof us were standing around talking about this app that he already had. So he was able to load it on my phone but for some reason not the other person's phone.i soon deleted the app bcuz my phone started acting strange...STRANGE.

 

Anyhoo, also the day of our first rendevous, he was all over me after he got comfortable. And as ive mentioned in the thread before, he was hesitant to leave that next morming and asked me why i was staying in bed so long after he was leaving....that was peculiar.

 

Thoughts?

[thespacey1]

Hmmm, definitely sounds peculiar. Borderline weird. But some guys are just like that. Didn't mean they're crazy, just a bit socially awkward.

 

The loading of that app on your phone, OP, seemed more strange than anything. You didn't feel strange amir letting him? Anyway, what's done is done and you've deleted it now so...

 

All this stuff he's done just to be around you and communicate with you shows he definitely likes you. I wouldnt say he rejected you, but he has most likely pulled back to protect himself. You've said numerous times how.sensitive he is... Be mindful of that. Dont baby him, just respect that if you know that about him and/ care anything about him.

[surferchic]

Yeah, perhaps.

 

He texted this morning and we both appear to be cool....appear to be.

 

I wanna see him again...smh....

[unevenXchange]

Well, as I figured the door was still open fire either of you to make a move and it sounds like neither of you want to close the door.

 

That's how situations like these go when nothing really bad happened...

[surferchic]

I guess.

 

We haven't set any dates or anything, just texted. I don't think he would even give me the satisfaction of initiating another date.

[luvflower]

I'm finding myself in a similar situation where the guy im seeing asked me outx but hes the quiet type. Not sure if its shyness or what. He doesnt seem intimidated but he does seem kinda shy from what ive always heard about him.

 

So we went out and he asks m e how i felt about seeing each other a bjt more exclusively. I said" its something to consider, because i do enjoy being around you". Then he doesnt reach out for tye next few weeks.... except for qntext saying hey, whatcha doing???

 

Smh.... this stuff must be for the birds...

[joseb]

I used to suffer from low self esteem for reasons nobody would understand but me.

 

I remember a guy I liked for a long time basically pinned me in the corner and told me he knew I liked him and was wondering when I was going to ask him out. Instead of sealing the deal I made a snooty comment about how if I really wanted him I would of had him already.

 

 

Well yeah maybe you ruined it, but what kind of guy says that anyway?

Why isn't he asking you out if he is interested?

[tinkerbell16]

I guess.

 

We haven't set any dates or anything, just texted. I don't think he would even give me the satisfaction of initiating another date.

 

Soooo.... initiate one yourself. You have nothing to loose!

 

Nothing you have said about him is a red flag. He has shown interest, tried to please you. Sounds like he felt bad about not being able to in the end.

 

I vote give this guy a chance. Give his efforts time... when you build up the sex so much prior there is a ton of expectations that are hard (no pun intended) to match when reality hits. It is too much pressure for both. Especially women AND especially if you are the runner type (run from relationships to avoid abandonment/getting hurt.

 

If he feels like he could be a real and good thing, your body can shut down as a defense mechanism. Crazy but it is true.

 

Get another date. Be patient with him and with yourself. Don't have an end goal other than enjoying each other. You may be surprised what happens when the pressure is off

 

Love is not black and white... its a jouney with many nuances.

 

The potential is there you just have to explore it.

 

Best of luck, Tink

Edited September 8, 2016 by tinkerbell16

[mortensorchid]

You may as well ask what the meaning of life is, because I don't know what it is either. I've seen this more times than I care to think about and I have also been on the receiving end of being rejected more times than I care to think about as well. And quite honestly, I don't know what it is for women, but I can tell you this about a lot of men who reject a good woman or treat them badly:

 

1) Treating women badly - This is a variety of things in the man's psyche. I found that men who treat women badly actually are angry with themselves. They feel insecure, they don't necessarily not like something about the woman before them, but they want to project their anger or insecurity about themselves onto the woman.

 

2) Superiority - Men want someone they can feel superior to - whether it's career success, personal success or social charisma. I had a few from my past who I realized were jealous of me because I had a lot of friends, was sure of myself, had better grades (while in an academic situation), etc. Today? Well my job history has been hysterical but now I am back in the saddle. It's a new ballgame as you age but some things remain the same since our teens.

 

3) Dramatics - I have wondered over and over why men like trashy girls instead of good ones. Is it sex? Is it a sense of being bad? Is it wanting to change something? Could it be just plain not knowing? The thrill of being with a gal who uses or takes advantage? Maybe. I think men really want a woman in this case who they feel intellectually superior to and yet they want the thrill of hot sex.

[surferchic]

Soooo.... initiate one yourself. You have nothing to loose!

 

Nothing you have said about him is a red flag. He has shown interest, tried to please you. Sounds like he felt bad about not being able to in the end.

 

I vote give this guy a chance. Give his efforts time... when you build up the sex so much prior there is a ton of expectations that are hard (no pun intended) to match when reality hits. It is too much pressure for both. Especially women AND especially if you are the runner type (run from relationships to avoid abandonment/getting hurt.

 

If he feels like he could be a real and good thing, your body can shut down as a defense mechanism. Crazy but it is true.

 

Get another date. Be patient with him and with yourself. Don't have an end goal other than enjoying each other. You may be surprised what happens when the pressure is off

 

Love is not black and white... its a jouney with many nuances.

 

The potential is there you just have to explore it.

 

Best of luck, Tink

 

Thanks Tink. You made several good points. But I'm probably crazy to admit this, but I feel like i do have something to lose...my pride.

 

We were both seeing other people when we first me. It was nothing serious, from what we've both said. We have a mutual friend that complicates this along with the fact that we live a few hours away from each other. Long distance, trust, games, etc.

 

We're both runners...we've talked about this before. We have lots in common with our personality. I just carry my issues differently...

 

So LSS,i feel like part of his so called insecurity may come from the fact that he doesn't want word to get out that he's trying to date me while seeing someone else, if he is still seeing someone and gets caught.

 

Yes he could be thinking the same things about me, esp since he's made comments jokingly saying that he wouldn't want to stay dating someone, find out sind negative then get his heart broken. Instead, he said he'd prefer to stay at a distance.