Why do some people reject those they really like...?

[phineas]

Fear of entrapment.

 

You know he is the one, but you know he is gonna be the end for you and you don't want to accept that so you run away because you don't want to be entrapped.

 

I've had a long time female friend who i slept with tell me something like that after she blew me off.

She got really drunk then told me she loved me but was scared.

then started dating some idiot.

 

Actually all she dates are guys that are basically below her and treat her bad and everyone can see there is zero chance for a long term relationship.

But she acts like they are "the one" every time.

 

I stopped trying on the dating side and am just fine being friends because we really do get along.

[phineas]

I like your last three paragraphs!!

 

And I can identify, love a man to take charge, tells me what he wants, that is such a turn on!

 

I don't think you should chase either... that implies they are running away, so you are smart for not chasing in those situations.

 

But to me, a man taking charge also means him initiating and pursuing (within reason).

 

The woman should positively respond and reciprocate, and this is true for HOT women too.

 

The hot chicks you meet sound immature, self-centered, stuck on and full of themseves ... not all 'hot' women are like this.

 

Last line...yep. most of them have spent their lives having men throw themselves at them and buy them gifts, chase, ect.

 

fyi i'm 44 so i'm talking women late 30's to early 40's who behave this way.

When i was younger, sure. i'd chase a woman like that, but now?

 

Ain't got no time for that.

[katiegrl]

Last line...yep. most of them have spent their lives having men throw themselves at them and buy them gifts, chase, ect.

 

fyi i'm 44 so i'm talking women late 30's to early 40's who behave this way.

When i was younger, sure. i'd chase a woman like that, but now?

 

Ain't got no time for that.

 

Smart man.

 

Again though not all 'hot' women in their 30s and 40s are like this.

 

Maybe it depends on how they were raised, etc I dunno.

 

I am in that same age bracket (30s), and looks being subjective, I am considered very attractive (hate the word "hot") and would never pull that ****.

 

I have been too busy being in long term relationships anyway (since early 20s) and can't even imagine using men like that.

 

I DO like being pursued though, but I reciprocate!!!

 

Spoiled princesses, you are smart not to chase those types....ugh.

Edited September 6, 2016 by katiegrl

[surferchic]

Some people feel very suffocated and *boxed in* when in a relationship...

I totally get this,but again.....

 

-----i never ,ever asked about or hinted at a relationship.-----

 

Honestly im still a bit shocked about him contacting me and telling me he'd been attracted to me for all these years and especially now. Why woukd he bring up relationship stuff if i never did? Is that the defense mechanism...? Is that what you're also saying?

[PrettyEmily77]

My thoughts is they really don't like them that much or they thought they did until they got to know them better.

 

In a nutshell.

 

However scarred or emotionally wrecked you are, my feelings are that if it's the right person, you take the risk. If you don't, either you're not that invested or you're not in the right head space, with kind of means the same thing anyway.

[katiegrl]

In a nutshell.

 

However scarred or emotionally wrecked you are, my feelings are that if it's the right person, you take the risk. If you don't, either you're not that invested or you're not in the right head space, with kind of means the same thing anyway.

 

There is no"right* person for people with these fears.

 

Their fears prevent them from allowing anyone to be the right person.

 

Serious issues.

 

And until those issues are resolved, they will bring chaos to any relationship they attempt to have.

 

My brother is this way!!!!

 

Love him dearly but he is seriously effed up in the commitment and intimacy dept.

[katiegrl]

I totally get this,but again.....

 

-----i never ,ever asked about or hinted at a relationship.-----

 

Honestly im still a bit shocked about him contacting me and telling me he'd been attracted to me for all these years and especially now.

 

 

 

**Why woukd he bring up relationship stuff if i never did? Is that the defense mechanism...? Is that what you're also saying?

 

Other than he may be projecting, I don't know.

 

More importantly though, why do you care?

 

Do you perhaps like him a bit more than you're letting on or even admitting to yourself?

 

This was a fail on all levels, best to put it out of your mind and just move on.

[surferchic]

Not sure if I mention that he bragged a lot about what he was gonna do to me and did lots of heavy flirting via text prior to us actually doing it. So for me not to even climax once within the 2 times we did it, i wasnt mad but i wasnt pleased and i think he could sense that .

 

I guess theres nothing for me to say or do at this point hu? Im not a superficial chic and wish we hadnt crossed this line. I do feel like his ego is bruised but im also feeling like he's a bit.embarassed mainly because he asked me several times if i climaxed and why i didnt.

 

After that day he mentioned wanting to do it again,but i didnt respond saying i wanted to. I just told him that i would back away from our interaction because i didnt wanna contribute to any of his stress or depression. He said, "what are you talking about?? You're not the cause of any of my stress or depression. I've been this way long before i started seeing you. "

 

I felt like he wasnt being honest and that i still needed to give him space....for whatever reason... Did i act prematurely or did it make sense to back off as i did? I do this second guessing myself,but at this point im not sure what else i can or even SHOULD say. Nothing perhaps...

[surferchic]

Do you perhaps like him a bit more than you're letting on or even admitting to yourself.

 

Yeah Katie, i think you're right... wish you weren't.

[katiegrl]

Not sure if I mention that he bragged a lot about what he was gonna do to me and did lots of heavy flirting via text prior to us actually doing it. So for me not to even climax once within the 2 times we did it, i wasnt mad but i wasnt pleased and i think he could sense that .

 

I guess theres nothing for me to say or do at this point hu? Im not a superficial chic and wish we hadnt crossed this line. I do feel like his ego is bruised but im also feeling like he's a bit.embarassed mainly because he asked me several times if i climaxed and why i didnt.

 

After that day he mentioned wanting to do it again,but i didnt respond saying i wanted to. I just told him that i would back away from our interaction because i didnt wanna contribute to any of his stress or depression. He said, "what are you talking about?? You're not the cause of any of my stress or depression. I've been this way long before i started seeing you. "

 

I felt like he wasnt being honest and that i still needed to give him space....for whatever reason... Did i act prematurely or did it make sense to back off as i did? I do this second guessing myself,but at this point im not sure what else i can or even SHOULD say. Nothing perhaps...

 

See my post 32.

 

It does not matter, you are not into him anyway, why are obsessiving over this?

 

I get you want to understand the situation and his motives, but at some point you just gotta accept things as they are and let it go.

 

None of it matters in the grand scheme of things.

[katiegrl]

Yeah Katie, i think you're right... wish you weren't.

 

Okay!! Now we are getting somewhere.

 

Let me think about what your next move should be, will get back to you, getting ready for work.

[joseb]

OK hang on - do I have this right...

 

You met a guy, had sex, didnt like it, were even distracted by his lack of size, told him most of this and are wondering why he's not overly keen to chase you??

 

Personally if I sleep with a girl and I'm unimpressed with the sex or her body or whatever I would never say that flat out. It's not the easiest thing to hear I'm sure.

[katiegrl]

suferchic ... notwithstanding the fact you didn't orgasm, how was the quality of the sex?

 

For me, I don't necessarily have to orgasm every time for sex to be awesome.

 

The intensity of our connection/passion during sex is what does it for me.

 

Course orgasm is important but I can do that myself so it is not always the most important thing.

 

Maybe you like him now because of the intensity he brought to your sexual connection?

 

Even though you didn't orgasm?

 

I don't know just asking.

[surferchic]

OK hang on - do I have this right...

 

You met a guy, had sex, didnt like it, were even distracted by his lack of size, told him most of this and are wondering why he's not overly keen to chase you??

 

Personally if I sleep with a girl and I'm unimpressed with the sex or her body or whatever I would never say that flat out. It's not the easiest thing to hear I'm sure.

 

I didnt tell him all that negative stuff...come on. I do have a heart. Plus he moved his body well but i guess it just didn't do it for me...especially after all his talk about what he could/would do to me.

 

Im not asking him to keep chasing. I just don't want to contribute to his depression and don't want him mad with me. I do like him. We've shared some pretty private stuff since we've been seeing each other... both of us.

[surferchic]

suferchic ... notwithstanding the fact you didn't orgasm, how was the quality of the sex?

 

For me, I don't necessarily have to orgasm every time for sex to be awesome.

 

The intensity of our connection/passion during sex is what does it for me.

 

Course orgasm is important but I can do that myself so it is not always the most important thing.

 

Maybe you like him now because of the intensity he brought to your sexual connection?

 

Even though you didn't orgasm?

 

I don't know just asking.

The sex was not bad, but i couldnt feel his #### much like im used to. Our kissing was more intense than the actual (piv). I'vehad more intense sex before. But im not gauging him by the sex, so please guys don't get me wrong. I dont have to orgasm to enjoy sex either but i do like to feel the girth and length of it.i cant get too explicit in this thread.

[katiegrl]

The sex was not bad, but i couldnt feel his #### much like im used to. .

 

Yah I can relate, regardless of the intensity and emotion, if I can't feel his ****, that would be a big (no pun intended) issue for me!

[unevenXchange]

Yeah, I can relate to that too. Not a good feeling.

 

OP, i think it's completely up to you whether or not you reach out to this guy or not. Sounds like you jumped the gun in one way, but on the other hand why should you keep seeing someone who you know may not fulfill you sexually? May sound callous, but it's real.

 

I'm sure you like him, but the social awkwardness coupled with the issues you're describing are reasons to evacuate things.

[PrettyEmily77]

There is no"right* person for people with these fears.

 

Their fears prevent them from allowing anyone to be the right person.

 

Serious issues.

 

And until those issues are resolved, they will bring chaos to any relationship they attempt to have.

 

My brother is this way!!!!

 

Love him dearly but he is seriously effed up in the commitment and intimacy dept.

 

There are no doubt people who would be right for your brother - he's the one who isn't right for anyone. That's very different.

[katiegrl]

There are no doubt people who would be right for your brother - he's the one who isn't right for anyone. That's very different.

 

Wouldn't that be HIS decision to make though? Yes it would since HE is the one dating her.

 

Oh sure there have been tons of women that we all thought would be right for him, and even HE thought were right for him for awhile.

 

But eventually, he always found something "wrong." Note there was NOTHING wrong with any of these women, they were (are) beautiful, successful accomplished women.

 

He would pursue them relentlessly at first, then as soon as they started expecting more, or even if they didn't, in HIS own head he started caring more or feeling like more was expected of him, he would start picking them apart and eventually DUMP.

 

He KNOWS he has commitment/relationship/intimacy fears, this comes as no surprise to him. He is 42 years old, this has been happening since he first started dating.

 

I also know another guy who downright had a panic attack after he and his girlfriend went exclusive (at her request).

 

Again note at first he thought she was PERFECT for him and he pursued her relentlessly too.

 

She hadn't changed, what changed was the RL was getting more serious which caused him to feel suffocated and boxed in (HIS WORDS).

 

Literally. The suffocation part was no different from what someone feels when in an enclosed small space (claustrophobia). Couldn't breathe, panic.

 

If you think I am exaggerating I am NOT!

 

I am not sure what causes it, but it does exist, it is very real for many people (men and women).

 

Hopefully you won't encounter these types because the whole thing can leave the person rejected feeling confused and devastated.

Edited September 6, 2016 by katiegrl

[katiegrl]

Not a shrink but I suspect one reason why my brother has so many issues is because our parents had a horrendous marriage.... my dad was an AWESOME dad but horrible husband, he cheated on my mom throughout their marriage.

 

He divorced her when he met my step mom and cheated on her too, and never hid that fact either. Not with me and if I picked it up, surely my brothers did too.

 

I have another brother who has issues but not as severe as my oldest brother.

 

I myself have even struggled with my own issues and fears (documented on this board many times)... I recall at a very young age thinking and even saying "I don't want to ever get married I would rather be the 'other woman' -- they get treated nicer than the wife."

 

What a thing for a young teen to say... surely I must have picked up on something, otherwise I wouldn't have felt that way or even said it. I must have been about 14-15 at the time.

 

I got help though... to overcome my fears and ambivalence, and now I am able to have healthy RLs (have had three LTRs since early 20s).... however I still need a bit of "space" in my relationships.

 

Fortunately I have found men who understand this about me, and actually needs space themselves, so it worked out.

 

There were other issues that caused us to eventually break up after YEARS of being together.

Edited September 6, 2016 by katiegrl

[PrettyEmily77]

Wouldn't that be HIS decision to make though? Yes it would since HE is the one dating her.

 

He is not in a position to make any choice, given his emotional/psychological hang ups, and any choice he does make is condition by his fears. This doesn't mean he is right or that no one will ever be right for him. He can't see it but that's his issue, not a universal truth.

 

People reject those 'like' because unresolved issues, timing or not that bothered. Ultimately it doesn't matter much, best to move on either way.

[surferchic]

Not a shrink but I suspect one reason why my brother has so many issues is because our parents had a horrendous marriage.... my dad was an AWESOME dad but horrible husband, he cheated on my mom throughout their marriage.

 

He divorced her when he met my step mom and cheated on her too, and never hid that fact either. Not with me and if I picked it up, surely my brothers did too.

 

I have another brother who has issues but not as severe as my oldest brother.

 

I myself have even struggled with my own issues and fears (documented on this board many times)... I recall at a very young age thinking and even saying "I don't want to ever get married I would rather be the 'other woman' -- they get treated nicer than the wife."

 

What a thing for a young teen to say... surely I must have picked up on something, otherwise I wouldn't have felt that way or even said it. I must have been about 14-15 at the time.

 

I got help though... to overcome my fears and ambivalence, and now I am able to have healthy RLs (have had three LTRs since early 20s).... however I still need a bit of "space" in my relationships.

 

Fortunately I have found men who understand this about me, and actually needs space themselves, so it worked out.

 

There were other issues that caused us to eventually break up after YEARS of being together.

 

Wow, katiegrl...thanks for sharing. I think it's commendable that you've been working through those issues. How/why did your long term relationship end?

 

I can empathize having issues with parents. My parents split when i was 3. Dad was neglectful. Mom never remarried. So i observed other relationships around me which were dysfunctional as well. I used to also say i didn't want to get married. I almost did a few Years ago but it didn't work out. Im left him and for good reason. I should've never let myself be with him as long as i did. Typically i leave men sooner than later,but my ex gave me a kind of paternal attention that i think i was craving.

 

Anyhoo, yes i do have issues that I'm still working on. And i often times don't know what to say or do in response to a man's positive feelings toward me. I've been told i give of a vibe that makes me appear callous, nonchalant, guarded,etc.

 

So when i ask for input on my actions, I sincerely want input because there are nuances of my own behavior that can send signals to men that I'm not interested,or not as interested as they are.

 

Katie, i appreciate you sharing.

Edited September 6, 2016 by surferchic

[katiegrl]

He is not in a position to make any choice, given his emotional/psychological hang ups, and any choice he does make is condition by his fears. This doesn't mean he is right or that no one will ever be right for him. He can't see it but that's his issue, not a universal truth.

 

People reject those 'like' because unresolved issues, timing or not that bothered. Ultimately it doesn't matter much, best to move on either way.

 

I wholeheartedly agree with you.

 

There could be any number of reasons why someone rejects, bottom line, just as you said Emily, doesn't much matter much in the grand scheme of things.

 

Just accept and move on.

[katiegrl]

Wow, katiegrl...thanks for sharing. I think it's commendable that you've been working through those issues. How/why did your long term relationship end?

 

I can empathize having issues with parents. My parents split when i was 3. Dad was neglectful. Mom never remarried. So i observed other relationships around me which were dysfunctional as well. I used to also say i didn't want to get married. I almost did a few Years ago but it didn't work out. Im left him and for good reason. I should've never let myself be with him as long as i did. Typically i leave men sooner than later,but my ex gave me a kind of paternal attention that i think i was craving.

 

Anyhoo, yes i do have issues that I'm still working on. And i often times don't know what to say or do in response to a man's positive feelings toward me. I've been told i give of a vibe that makes me appear callous, nonchalant, guarded,etc.

 

So when i ask for input on my actions, I sincerely want input because there are nuances of my own behavior that can send signals to men that I'm not interested,or not as interested as they are.

 

Katie, i appreciate you sharing.

 

Yeah you may have your own issues too sc. Not judging at all, just sayin.

 

I mean you were not into this guy at all... yet you chose to have sex with him and now that he's not paying as much attention as before, you seem bothered by it, and even admitted that you 'like" him now more than you thought you did.

 

You should explore that.... I would.

 

It's good to introspect... that is how we learn what makes us "tick."

 

And also how to make better choices for ourselves next time.

 

Best of luck as you go through this journey! I am still going through it... probably always will.

 

There are always new things to learn, about ourselves, others and the world in general.

[katiegrl]

This thread has got my brain spinning a bit (as you've probably noticed...lol).

 

I was thinking about the title of your thread surfer chick "Why do some people reject those they really like...?"

 

The flip side of that would be "why do we reject people who really like us, then when they stop liking us, we start liking them?"

 

Interesting, eh?

 

Thoughts?