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Any bodies MM just one day disappear and start NC on you?

whathappened610

By whathappened610
in The Other Man / Woman

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whathappened610 Member

whathappened610

Posted
Posted

I decided to start a new thread on this.

 

I think this is what I am struggling with the most right now. Not the fact the A is over bc I knew it would have to end eventually. But the fact that MM just didn't take my call one day and we have had NC since.

 

This from a guy I've know 17+ years and have been in an EA with for 9 months?! The same one who said he wanted to be with me and give him time to figure out things with his kid and finances.

 

Can anyone tell me why he would do that? Why couldn't he just have a talk with me and tell me he can't do this anymore? Or his feelings changed or whatever the case may be?

 

I wanna still believe he meant all the things he said he felt for me even if he couldn't leave his wife, but why not give me an explanation for ending this?

 

Does this mean he really didn't love me/have feelings for me? Is it just easier to slip away into silence (be a coward)? Or does he think this will leave the door open for some future kinda contact between us?

 

I know nobody will have the reason why MY MM in particular did this, but Any insight would be great, as my anxiety is hitting new highs ?

What_Did_I_Do Established Member

What_Did_I_Do

Posted
Posted

Because he is a conflict-avoidant coward. Much easier to slink away than hurt someone you claim to 'love'. And yes, the door is still open until you slam it shut.

 

All he was doing was talking about this future. He had no plans to follow through with anything.

 

So sorry you are hurting and wondering WTH happened.

  • Like 7
Adoraxx Established Member

Adoraxx

Posted
Posted
I decided to start a new thread on this.

 

I think this is what I am struggling with the most right now. Not the fact the A is over bc I knew it would have to end eventually. But the fact that MM just didn't take my call one day and we have had NC since.

 

This from a guy I've know 17+ years and have been in an EA with for 9 months?! The same one who said he wanted to be with me and give him time to figure out things with his kid and finances.

 

Can anyone tell me why he would do that? Why couldn't he just have a talk with me and tell me he can't do this anymore? Or his feelings changed or whatever the case may be?

 

I wanna still believe he meant all the things he said he felt for me even if he couldn't leave his wife, but why not give me an explanation for ending this?

 

Does this mean he really didn't love me/have feelings for me? Is it just easier to slip away into silence (be a coward)? Or does he think this will leave the door open for some future kinda contact between us?

 

I know nobody will have the reason why MY MM in particular did this, but Any insight would be great, as my anxiety is hitting new highs ?

 

I think lots of MM do this, and not only MM but single men too and they're called DM's on another website (Disappearing Men). It's so painful when this happened and to this day I still don't understand why he can't at least give me some kind of tiny explanation or at least one email where he says: "I don't want contact anymore, I want to focus on my W" or whatever else he can come up with.

 

I think they're cowards, yes. And at the same it's like you said: he still wants to leave the door open for some possible future contact. I read this morning in my diary how my xMM said: "But I always change my mind!!"

 

:mad:

  • Like 1
privategal Established Member

privategal

Posted
Posted

I've been there several times. It hurts, it's cruel, it's hard, it's abusive. This final time I will now never turn back.

In the past after many months pass one of us would break the unofficial NC and we would go back to this quasi faux platonic friendship, I'd go through brutal torture, torment and pain...then forgive because having him back was like a soothing balm to my wrecked world.

This time, it's gonna take forever to heal but I will not contact nor accept contact. It's dead now. 5 months solid hard NC, I believe our longest ever, and zero plans to look back, I'm respecting myself, reclaiming my life, I can't suffer any longer. Trying to reclaim my mental health and my physical health. 15 years of it for me. That's half a lifetime wasted with nothing to show for it.

  • Like 7
Forever broken Established Member

Forever broken

Posted
Posted

Wish I could offer any advice. I was treated terribly by my XMM. Is been a year and I give up the hope of ever receiving an explanation on how he treated me.

aileD Established Member

aileD

Posted
Posted

His wife probably found out and she's more important to him than you are.

 

Sucks to hear it but at least now you know.

When push comes to shove....he doesn't pick you.

 

Find someone who will

  • Like 2
Quiet Storm Established Member

Quiet Storm

Posted
Posted

I think some MM don't see the OW as a real person deserving of explanations or honesty. OW is a "role" in their life. Unlike their wife, who is constant, the OW is seen as interchangeable and intermittent. He's only seeing the OW for what she can provide him- entertainment, escape, connection, admiration. He doesn't consider her feelings and if he does, he dismisses them with "She knew I was married and kept coming back to me anyway." He doesn't feel responsible for OWs pain or confusion. It doesn't have to be done in a mean or malicious way- these MM are just so messed up emotionally that they drag trusting people down with them.

 

Other MMs are classic conflict avoiders. Just like you want the courtesy of an explanation, his wife likely would feel the same way, wishing he could've just been honest and said "This marriage isn't working for me and I'm attracted to someone else".

 

But this kind of guy doesn't want to hurt feelings or create any conflict, so he gets his needs met covertly. Whereas the MM in my first paragraph doesn't feel responsible for OWs feelings, the conflict avoider feels twinges of guilt but immediately suppresses those feelings. He doesn't only avoid conflict with other people, but avoids conflict within himself.

 

The mistake OW often make is to assume that MM is an emotionally mature, well balanced guy with a good character who is just stuck in a "bad situation". In most cases, MM is an emotional mess and any relationship he's in will end up a "bad situation" because he is not capable of being a good partner to anyone. They are rarely a victim of their circumstances.

  • Like 18
NewLeaf512 Established Member

NewLeaf512

Posted
Posted

Mine dropped me into a well. F him and the horse he rode in on. Trust me it doesn't seem like much of a win when it happens, but now I know it's much better than death by 1,000 cuts.

 

1Y2.5M NC (applause!)

  • Like 8
Rikki67 Member

Rikki67

Posted
Posted

I agree, they are COWARDS. It is easier not to deal with the OP. She may ask uncomfortable questions, or pushes too hard. Whatever the reason, they don`t want to deal with it (you).

Mine fed me the same bs. Let me figure it out. Give me more time. I don`t know how she (BS) will react. I guess its time to get that divorce going (Never happened, and never will), and blah blah blah.

Now that I showed him the door, he ignores me. Which is fine. I will get passed this,

and so will you. Would I like to get answers? Yes. Wouldn`t we All. But, those answers are just going to be more lies on top of lies.

As for me, I am in my 3rd week of NC now. I hurt, I am angry. But, I know I will be better off without him in the long run. His Wife can have his lying, cheating A$$. He cheated before me, and he will cheat again after me. And she knows it. Poor Woman! I feel sorry for her.

I totally agree with Quiet Storm

  • Like 2
Rockflower Established Member

Rockflower

Posted
Posted

The mistake OW often make is to assume that MM is an emotionally mature, well balanced guy with a good character who is just stuck in a "bad situation". In most cases, MM is an emotional mess and any relationship he's in will end up a "bad situation" because he is not capable of being a good partner to anyone. They are rarely a victim of their circumstances.

 

Thank you Quiet Storm - this is a quite a key point, I feel.

  • Like 2
Poppy47 Established Member

Poppy47

Posted
Posted
Mine dropped me into a well. F him and the horse he rode in on. Trust me it doesn't seem like much of a win when it happens, but now I know it's much better than death by 1,000 cuts.

 

1Y2.5M NC (applause!)

 

Leaf

I am applauding very loudly. Can you hear me from Down Under????

 

Poppy

  • Like 2
Whoknew30 Established Member

Whoknew30

Posted
Posted

If it has been 9 months & only EA sounds like he distance himself before it went any further. If that's the case, that would be the reason he just cut you off...all that emotional stuff for another woman you didn't even sleep with, is a lot & he probably didn't want to deal with it. Sorry

Adoraxx Established Member

Adoraxx

Posted
Posted

I had a nightmare about xMM last night. I dreamed how I went to him because he was giving me silent treatment once again (which he is doing now as well) and he waved me off in this impatient angry way of his and said: "I don't want to deal with this!!" and then I woke up. It's what he always said when I went to him to ask questions. I think they only want to deal with us when they want sex

  • Like 1
imperfectangel Established Member

imperfectangel

Posted
Posted

Lol yes F them and the horses they rode in on! I like that :)

 

I had a dream a few nights ago that I gave birth which I read signals new beginnings..

 

I'm glad my brain is finally switching off from all this

  • Like 2
NewLeaf512 Established Member

NewLeaf512

Posted
Posted
Leaf

I am applauding very loudly. Can you hear me from Down Under????

 

Poppy

 

Blighty sending hugs down under!

 

 

Colin Hay forever. X

winterkeep Established Member

winterkeep

Posted
Posted (edited)

No unfortunately! Believe me it's better this way, he's done you a favour. My exMM will not leave me alone. Take back your power and block him (hopefully he won't keep creeping around it like mine does) he can bring you nothing but pain.

 

Poppy, we're in the same part of the world :) so Newleaf you have two big rounds of applause from down here!

Edited by winterkeep
Auto correct!
  • Like 2
Lobe Established Member

Lobe

Posted
Posted
Mine dropped me into a well. F him and the horse he rode in on. Trust me it doesn't seem like much of a win when it happens, but now I know it's much better than death by 1,000 cuts.

 

1Y2.5M NC (applause!)

 

Leaf

I am applauding very loudly. Can you hear me from Down Under????

 

Poppy

 

THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE!!!!!

 

WhatHappened, the hip kids call it "ghosting" and it's just the way people slip out of your life when they lack the balls or courtesy to say, "Hey, I have to go because a0, b) and c)..."

 

Possible scenarios:

 

  • he caught a sudden case of a conscience
  • he got scared and decided he needed to back it off
  • his wife hinted she knows and he got scared
  • his wife knows and they are dealing with the fall-out of a d-day
  • he caught his wife having an A and he's caught in the ironic position of him doing the pick-me dance to her
  • someone he knows threatened him
  • his BS did something sweet or meaningful that made him realize he was making a mistake betraying his vows
  • his BS is pregnant and he doesn't have the balls heart to tell you he's still having lots of sex with his wife
  • he looked in his kids' faces and didn't want to be "that guy"
  • he found another affair partner
  • his other affair partner found out about you and he was given an ultimatum
  • he or someone in his family has an incurable disease and there's no time for an A anymore
  • he twisted a nut while bike riding and is in so much pain that he can't even masturbate to the thought of you without being in agonizing pain

 

My question to you is, does it matter? The only "answer" you're ever going to get as to why he disappeared is this: He did not pick the affair over his marriage. The reason doesn't matter, only the outcome, which is that you are now FREE to proceed with life and not be kept in the cage the affair put you in. Fly, birdy, fly...

  • Like 5
Grey Cloud Established Member

Grey Cloud

Posted
Posted
THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE!!!!!

 

WhatHappened, the hip kids call it "ghosting" and it's just the way people slip out of your life when they lack the balls or courtesy to say, "Hey, I have to go because a0, b) and c)..."

 

Possible scenarios:

 

  • he caught a sudden case of a conscience
  • he got scared and decided he needed to back it off
  • his wife hinted she knows and he got scared
  • his wife knows and they are dealing with the fall-out of a d-day
  • he caught his wife having an A and he's caught in the ironic position of him doing the pick-me dance to her
  • someone he knows threatened him
  • his BS did something sweet or meaningful that made him realize he was making a mistake betraying his vows
  • his BS is pregnant and he doesn't have the balls heart to tell you he's still having lots of sex with his wife
  • he looked in his kids' faces and didn't want to be "that guy"
  • he found another affair partner
  • his other affair partner found out about you and he was given an ultimatum
  • he or someone in his family has an incurable disease and there's no time for an A anymore
  • he twisted a nut while bike riding and is in so much pain that he can't even masturbate to the thought of you without being in agonizing pain

 

My question to you is, does it matter? The only "answer" you're ever going to get as to why he disappeared is this: He did not pick the affair over his marriage. The reason doesn't matter, only the outcome, which is that you are now FREE to proceed with life and not be kept in the cage the affair put you in. Fly, birdy, fly...

 

Love this!! I WISH it was the last reason for my xMM!! But it is number 3 - his wife got suspicious and he got scared. When he could manage his two worlds successfully he was as happy as a pig in ****. The minute his wife got wind of something - in his words "all eyes are on me at home" then suddenly mr conflict avoidant wasn't so happy anymore because his little secret had the potential to blow up his nice guy, devoted husband image. Thanks for making me laugh Lobe!!

  • Like 1
imperfectangel Established Member

imperfectangel

Posted
Posted
THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE!!!!!

 

WhatHappened, the hip kids call it "ghosting" and it's just the way people slip out of your life when they lack the balls or courtesy to say, "Hey, I have to go because a0, b) and c)..."

 

Possible scenarios:

 

  • he caught a sudden case of a conscience
  • he got scared and decided he needed to back it off
  • his wife hinted she knows and he got scared
  • his wife knows and they are dealing with the fall-out of a d-day
  • he caught his wife having an A and he's caught in the ironic position of him doing the pick-me dance to her
  • someone he knows threatened him
  • his BS did something sweet or meaningful that made him realize he was making a mistake betraying his vows
  • his BS is pregnant and he doesn't have the balls heart to tell you he's still having lots of sex with his wife
  • he looked in his kids' faces and didn't want to be "that guy"
  • he found another affair partner
  • his other affair partner found out about you and he was given an ultimatum
  • he or someone in his family has an incurable disease and there's no time for an A anymore
  • he twisted a nut while bike riding and is in so much pain that he can't even masturbate to the thought of you without being in agonizing pain

 

My question to you is, does it matter? The only "answer" you're ever going to get as to why he disappeared is this: He did not pick the affair over his marriage. The reason doesn't matter, only the outcome, which is that you are now FREE to proceed with life and not be kept in the cage the affair put you in. Fly, birdy, fly...

 

Lobe, i missed you way more than anyone should ever miss a stranger online :):):)

  • Author
whathappened610 Member

whathappened610

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Lobe~

 

Your question... "Does it matter?" That's a good question and I get your point whole heartily being that it will not change the outcome.

 

Here's where I am with that.... Getting an explanation from xMM would do two things for me.

 

1) give me validation. I need to hear him tell me it was all real and he meant everything despite not having the balls/resources to leave. After all he pursued me and was the one who called me 9 outta 10 times for our daily interaction. He wanted this "relationship". (Or of course he could tell me it was all just a load of bs which I am sure it wasn't) And to be honest he did give me validation once when he thought I was done him and wouldn't take his calls/txt. But there's something about me wanting to hear it again now that we are clearly done.

 

2) satisfaction of knowing. Honestly he can straight tell me "I choose her over you, I decided that I am actually still in love with her". And I will be satisfied. As I have mentioned before me and this guy have been friends for 16+ years before we started this EA. We had agreements when we started this that if our feelings ever changed for one another or we just couldn't do this anymore we'd be upfront and honest with one another. We always said we've known each other too long to not do that. And that we owed it to one another.

 

 

Ahhh... Now that I just typed that all out I'm dying to just txt him and ask him to meet up and chat one last time. I am just dumbfounded that ghosting was how this ended.

 

I also wanna add.. That we have been off and on of touch in the last 16+ years and the last time we were in touch he told me how much he had "feelings for me that he didn't have for his wife". He was several states away at that time and my feelings for him were platonic and we never got into an EA at that time. Then one day we just stopped calling each other and we lost touch with no explanation. Flash forward to this year he calls me up and the rest is history.

I sometimes wonder if that's partially why he backed out of having the convo with me bc he's trying to leave the door open to come back whenever he decides again...

eye of the storm Established Member

eye of the storm

Posted
Posted

Whathappened, After my divorce I had so many questions. Lots and lots of whys and what happened. But I will never get the answers. And I had to learn to live with that.

 

I learned that even if I got the answers, I would only have more questions. And getting the answers would not help me heal and move on. They would keep me stuck.

 

But oh how I wanted them. A part of me still does.

 

You want the answers, you think you need them to move on. But you don't. This need for answers is just another way to hang on. To not let go. "I can't move on till I know!!"

 

You have to learn to let go.

 

You will say things like after all this time I deserve better than this. You don't. He owes me. He doesn't.

 

We do not have the right to force others to satisfy our wants. And this is a want. All we can control is ourselves.

 

When you hear "the answers don't matter" its because they don't. The answers will not change anything. They will not satisfy you. They will continue to keep you stuck in this cycle.

 

Let go.

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