How to reverse the damage done?

[smackie9]

What I see in an insecure BF. Meeting up for drinks is your way to make sure she isn't out all night with her friends doing god knows what.

 

She's dancing around your idea because she knows if she flat out says no, you will freak out and have a tantrum. She just wants a night out, so don't take offense if she doesn't want to go out with you. Everyone is waving red flags, but how is anyone truly know if her intentions are not honest?? We are only getting YOUR perspective, and what she may be doing.

 

She's an adult, you are not the boss of her. There is only one thing you can do, and that is breakup with her because you obviously have an issue with the choices she makes. Seriously you need to go find someone else.

[randall]

What I see in an insecure BF.

 

This is exactly what I'm seeing in your posts as well.

 

In one sentence you said you trust her, yet a couple of sentences later you are talking about how you looked through her phone and saw something you misinterpreted. Sorry but this post and your other one, "Is it me", indicate a lot of jealousy and insecurity.

 

My biggest concern is that she comes home the next day and I will have massive concerns wondering where the hell she has been all night and what she was getting up to.

 

You could have a drink with her any night but you want to see her righgt after the party because you don't trust her.

 

She wants to go out and have fun. Nobody likes to be babysat and asked to "check in" with someone after a night out. Your insecurity is going to ruin your relationship.

[gorf]

I agree with several points other posters have come up with. I have done some of this in my own situations. At this point you should spectate. You believe she will not cheat? Well when drugs and partying.. particularly without you.. are involved: all bets are off. Being alarmed as you are is not insecurity on your behalf, its a fishy situation with drugs and partying without you. Bottom line.

 

Yes, she is an adult. She wants a night out and does not need a babysitter. This is true.... but at the same time, you are not a babysitter, you're a guy she is in a relationship with who cares not only for her, but for the girl you are investing time in.

 

I do find it curious that she wants a time away from you, might come home late might not, with drugs involved. What this says to me is she wants a carefree night and if the carefree fun gets sexual with some guy you are not there to see, then so be it. She can blame it on the drugs.

 

She is creating a carefree situation for herself, and you should be concerned.. if you care. That is not weakness. That also does not mean hawk her every move. It means be aware of what is going on to the best of your ability. You have a right to know who you are with, the girl you are investing time and energy in, to see if she is trustworthy. Cause as others stated, and I agree, this is not a trustworthy circumstance. Its even more fishy adding in the fact that she was away for drugs for a while and now is ready to party with drugs, without you. Bad combination to build and keep trust. How would she feel or talk to you if you told her you were going to have a night out with your 'friends' and get high and party.. without her. She probably would be defensive to it, unless she really did not care.

 

As I said, when drugs are involved, particularly mind drugs, all bets are off.

Edited September 5, 2016 by gorf

[Ronni]

I agree with several points other posters have come up with. I have done some of this in my own situations. At this point you should spectate. You believe she will not cheat? Well when drugs and partying.. particularly without you.. are involved: all bets are off. Being alarmed as you are is not insecurity on your behalf, its a fishy situation with drugs and partying without you. Bottom line.

 

Yes, she is an adult. She wants a night out and does not need a babysitter. This is true.... but at the same time, you are not a babysitter, you're a guy she is in a relationship with who cares not only for her, but for the girl you are investing time in.

 

I do find it curious that she wants a time away from you, might come home late might not, with drugs involved. What this says to me is she wants a carefree night and if the carefree fun gets sexual with some guy you are not there to see, then so be it. She can blame it on the drugs.

 

She is creating a carefree situation for herself, and you should be concerned.. if you care. That is not weakness. That also does not mean hawk her every move. It means be aware of what is going on to the best of your ability. You have a right to know who you are with, the girl you are investing time and energy in, to see if she is trustworthy. Cause as others stated, and I agree, this is not a trustworthy circumstance. Its even more fishy adding in the fact that she was away for drugs for a while and now is ready to party with drugs, without you. Bad combination to build and keep trust. How would she feel or talk to you if you told her you were going to have a night out with your 'friends' and get high and party.. without her. She probably would be defensive to it, unless she really did not care.

 

As I said, when drugs are involved, particularly mind drugs, all bets are off.

 

She did ask me to go to this festival with her and I said no so she asked a friend. Part of me thinks its an innocent night but I've seen her looking at other men when I've been sitting opposite her so god knows what is gonna go down on Saturday

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, it boils down to this:

 

You clearly don't trust her. Rightly or wrongly.

 

What are you still doing in the relationship? Why do you want to be in a situation in which you feel you need to monitor your girlfriend?

[preraph]

You need to not try to make plans with her when she already has plans, because of course she doesn't know how long the night might last. It's desperate. But what you are entitled to is a phone call maybe at midnight letting you know when she thinks she'll be home so you don't worry.

 

That's not too much to ask, though piling it on on top of trying to get her to end her friend night early may not set well. So why not say, So I'm going to worry, and in the future, I don't think it's too much to ask that you text me about midnight and let me know you're okay and what time you might get home.

[gorf]

she had already mentioned prior to this that she might take recreational drugs

 

my alarm bells are ringing

 

We have argued over this the past few days and argued about drug use and other silly little things. But she said if I carry on mistrusting her then I will push her away.

 

1) What kind of drugs? Did she say in particular?

 

2) Your alarm bells are ringing because you know her

 

Yeah the last part there would ring my bells. After arguing about drugs, she plans to party and include drugs. But at the same time says if you dont trust her you will push her away. I heard of a girl doing this before, who then proceeded to party and get high, and pick up guys. Basically she wanted her bf to break up with her cause she wanted to have fun, not have him get in her way, because with her lifestyle he would never be able to trust her anyway and she knew it.

 

Drugs and partying don't particularly create a sense of trust in most people ..if they are really honest.

 

For others to say you are insecure and all that.. fine. Go with their advice. Sit back while she goes out and don't even think about it. Give no care what soever, otherwise you will look needy weak and insecure. Don't ask her any questions when she gets back, cause that might make you look insecure like you cared enough to worry. Basically act like nothing happened and don't ask her if she met new friends or wonder who they are.

Act like nothing happened. Drugs and a festival, or going to the grocery store. No difference to you and you don't care enough either way.

 

I don't think you are over-reacting really. If you want to push her away, then be over the top instead of simply spectating like I suggest. If you also want to push her away.. then act like nothing bothers you. She will be sure to get your attention then and you might not like how

[Ronni]

1) What kind of drugs? Did she say in particular?

 

2) Your alarm bells are ringing because you know her

 

Yeah the last part there would ring my bells. After arguing about drugs, she plans to party and include drugs. But at the same time says if you dont trust her you will push her away. I heard of a girl doing this before, who then proceeded to party and get high, and pick up guys. Basically she wanted her bf to break up with her cause she wanted to have fun, not have him get in her way, because with her lifestyle he would never be able to trust her anyway and she knew it.

 

Drugs and partying don't particularly create a sense of trust in most people ..if they are really honest.

 

For others to say you are insecure and all that.. fine. Go with their advice. Sit back while she goes out and don't even think about it. Give no care what soever, otherwise you will look needy weak and insecure. Don't ask her any questions when she gets back, cause that might make you look insecure like you cared enough to worry. Basically act like nothing happened and don't ask her if she met new friends or wonder who they are.

Act like nothing happened. Drugs and a festival, or going to the grocery store. No difference to you and you don't care enough either way.

 

I don't think you are over-reacting really. If you want to push her away, then be over the top instead of simply spectating like I suggest. If you also want to push her away.. then act like nothing bothers you. She will be sure to get your attention then and you might not like how

 

She didn't say she will outright take drugs but when I have asked her if she would she has said "I can't afford them anyway" which I replied "whether you can afford them or not, you know my feelings on it so why would you want to do that to me?" She never really said anything after that except "It's a one-off, I'm not an addict and won't be"

 

I keep having thoughts about this and I thinking the worst all the time. I keep thinking something is gonna happen there with someone else or she's gonna be out of her mind. I don't say this to her, it is causing me a lot of anxiety. When I asked whether she would stay out all night she said "its highly unlikely". She said she just wants to go and enjoy the music and enjoy herself, she might be home at 7pm or she might stay out, she said its how she feels at the time.

 

I am gonna stay at her house on Saturday but tell her I am at home, this way I can be there when she comes home and if she is still out at 4am I can text asking if she us home and see what her reply is. Sounds bad but I have to do this. On Sunday, I feel like asking her about it and see where I want to go from there on Sunday.

[Ronni]

The way I am thinking doesn't seem to be in her character to act that way. She is a nice person and isn't young and foolish. She has never cheated before on anyone, well not that I know of. She has had a few relationships, not sure how many but when a woman has had a few relationships then it shows me she can easily kick me to the kerb. She has been honest with me but when I try and talk about the festival with her she gets annoyed because she thinks I am being funny about it or I am trying to cause an argument.

Edited September 8, 2016 by Ronni

[soyou]

I havent read all of your posts yet except the first one but what I can see is that you're a very insecure person.

 

You said you TRUSTED HER but your action doesnt speak the volume.

 

You are afraid she wont come home at night.

 

You are afraid that she could do something bad behind your back.

 

Hear this from a woman's perspectives:

 

I like party, I drink and use drugs sometimes when I go to music festivals with my friends. It doesnt happen every week or every month. It happens only a few times a year.

 

Even at the highest moment of the night, in my heart and my mind I only have my bf. I (and also my friends) would never let anyone touch me, take advantage of me. I'm a responsible person and I know it. Full stop

 

If I were your gf, I would seriously consider leaving you:

 

1) You dont trust me

 

1) You want to control me

 

2) You are insecure, needy

 

3) You want to destroy the fun I'm going to have . You're my party pooper

 

4) Dont you have friends to hang around with while I'm out partying?

 

5) If I have a big night going on with my good friends, I dont want to make any plan afterward cos I dont know what we (as the group) can do next. We may go to cafe afterward, we may sit down and chill out. We may go home immediately. We may grab some foods etc..

 

Just leave me alone on this very rare occasion that I hang out with my friends.

[Ronni]

I havent read all of your posts yet except the first one but what I can see is that you're a very insecure person.

 

You said you TRUSTED HER but your action doesnt speak the volume.

 

You are afraid she wont come home at night.

 

You are afraid that she could do something bad behind your back.

 

Hear this from a woman's perspectives:

 

I like party, I drink and use drugs sometimes when I go to music festivals with my friends. It doesnt happen every week or every month. It happens only a few times a year.

 

Even at the highest moment of the night, in my heart and my mind I only have my bf. I (and also my friends) would never let anyone touch me, take advantage of me. I'm a responsible person and I know it. Full stop

 

If I were your gf, I would seriously consider leaving you:

 

1) You dont trust me

 

1) You want to control me

 

2) You are insecure, needy

 

3) You want to destroy the fun I'm going to have . You're my party pooper

 

4) Dont you have friends to hang around with while I'm out partying?

 

5) If I have a big night going on with my good friends, I dont want to make any plan afterward cos I dont know what we (as the group) can do next. We may go to cafe afterward, we may sit down and chill out. We may go home immediately. We may grab some foods etc..

 

Just leave me alone on this very rare occasion that I hang out with my friends.

 

I am glad to read this and give me some perspective. My girlfriend isn't thinking of leaving me, we have built a solid foundation and both love each other.

 

She did ask if I was going out with my friends that day to which I said no but maybe I will. I even mentioned about wanting to go to the festival myself, not to check on her, I genuinely want to go and told her this last night. She asked why I don't go with my friends? If she had something to hide she wouldn't want me there at all.

 

How do I rectify my behaviour without it looking like I am backing off?

What should I do between now and Sunday?

[kgcolonel]

Ronni

 

Your gf knows without a doubt how you feel. You absolutely should not camp at her place....this reveals the depth of your insecurity. In reality, if she wanted to cheat, she doesn't need to go to a festival to do so....I understood that initially she asked you to go....this is not behavior of someone looking to cheat.

 

You really need to get your emotions in check. Nothing is as unattractive to a woman as someone as insecure as you are acting...just a warning that you are, by acting this way, pushing her to do exactly what you don't want her to do.

 

You NEED TO BACK OFF. Show her that you're confident and strong no matter what happens at the festival. Do not speak of the festival again as nothing you can say will change one thing she does as I said earlier, she knows how you feel. Be strong....and confident, if she's going to do things that you can't live with, you're begging, pleading, spying etc will not change it. If you decide you can't live with her having an independent night, you need to find someone else who doesn't desire that.

 

Give her space, if she comes home and sees you there....it will not be good at all!

 

Just a warning from a fellow man....

[Ronni]

Ronni

 

Your gf knows without a doubt how you feel. You absolutely should not camp at her place....this reveals the depth of your insecurity. In reality, if she wanted to cheat, she doesn't need to go to a festival to do so....I understood that initially she asked you to go....this is not behavior of someone looking to cheat.

 

You really need to get your emotions in check. Nothing is as unattractive to a woman as someone as insecure as you are acting...just a warning that you are, by acting this way, pushing her to do exactly what you don't want her to do.

 

You NEED TO BACK OFF. Show her that you're confident and strong no matter what happens at the festival. Do not speak of the festival again as nothing you can say will change one thing she does as I said earlier, she knows how you feel. Be strong....and confident, if she's going to do things that you can't live with, you're begging, pleading, spying etc will not change it. If you decide you can't live with her having an independent night, you need to find someone else who doesn't desire that.

 

Give her space, if she comes home and sees you there....it will not be good at all!

 

Just a warning from a fellow man....

 

It's not too late is it? For me to show her I'm confident.

I need to be secure in myself and the relationship and stay away from her place on Saturday even if it means I have all kinds of mad thoughts going through my head.

 

Lets say she doesn't come home until the next day and tells me she was home at 2am and lies, I will not know any otherwise. If I am there I can see it with my own eyes but I understand that isn't the way to proceed so I need to back off.

 

She did say she will text and let me know what she is up to and stuff.

[kgcolonel]

It's not too late....if it were me, I'd tell her that I apologize for appearing insecure. Tell her to go and have a good time and that you plan to do the same. Don't ask for details and don't offer any details before she does....specifically the following day. Be confident, if she asks about your evening, just say, I had a great time how about your evening. Let her offer the details she wants....ultimately, you will need to decide if she is the girl for you. It sounds like she may not be giving you what you need and begging and pleading will not change her. If she asks what she can do, be matter of fact in that you work best in relationships where communication and commitment are a top priority and stop talking letting her respond to that....

[Ronni]

It's not too late....if it were me, I'd tell her that I apologize for appearing insecure. Tell her to go and have a good time and that you plan to do the same. Don't ask for details and don't offer any details before she does....specifically the following day. Be confident, if she asks about your evening, just say, I had a great time how about your evening. Let her offer the details she wants....ultimately, you will need to decide if she is the girl for you. It sounds like she may not be giving you what you need and begging and pleading will not change her. If she asks what she can do, be matter of fact in that you work best in relationships where communication and commitment are a top priority and stop talking letting her respond to that....

 

Ok, so when I ask her about her evening and she responds with "yea it was ok" and doesn't offer much info does that mean there is something to hide as opposed to her telling me every little detail?

[mikeylo]

Trustworthy people act trustworthy. Her behavior is shady. Your relationship is not based on trust rather filled with doubt and mistrust. There is nothing to hold onto.

[kgcolonel]

Ok, so when I ask her about her evening and she responds with "yea it was ok" and doesn't offer much info does that mean there is something to hide as opposed to her telling me every little detail?

 

Think about it....what does it really matter...if she gives you all kinds of details or non at all....nothing says she is telling you the truth..

 

The issue here is that you have made your concerns clear, she's going to the festival, not making any promises as to her conduct or when she's going to return....she's acting single, period.

 

You seem to want to stay with her at all cost so you have a choice to take what she feeds you or don't ask don't tell......

 

Were it me, I'd make one last attempt at a discussion about the evening, understand though, she did ask you to go with her...keep that in mind.

 

I would be respectively straight up and say,"here are my concerns".

 

If she hears you and remains on the current path, it is up to you to take the next step....I would simply tell her that to you, she is acting as though she is not in a relationship as in acting single and it is very hurtful therefore you will be rethinking things while she's acting single.

 

BTW, how old are you two?

[Ronni]

Think about it....what does it really matter...if she gives you all kinds of details or non at all....nothing says she is telling you the truth..

 

The issue here is that you have made your concerns clear, she's going to the festival, not making any promises as to her conduct or when she's going to return....she's acting single, period.

 

You seem to want to stay with her at all cost so you have a choice to take what she feeds you or don't ask don't tell......

 

Were it me, I'd make one last attempt at a discussion about the evening, understand though, she did ask you to go with her...keep that in mind.

 

I would be respectively straight up and say,"here are my concerns".

 

If she hears you and remains on the current path, it is up to you to take the next step....I would simply tell her that to you, she is acting as though she is not in a relationship as in acting single and it is very hurtful therefore you will be rethinking things while she's acting single.

 

BTW, how old are you two?

 

I am 33 she is 39.

 

I don't think she is acting single, she is just having a day out with a friend. She hasn't changed with me in any way and still always calls and texts when we aren't together. I actually think this will be an innocent night out.

 

There is a lot of mixed opinions here, I just don't know who is right and who is wrong.

[Ronni]

The day is here!

 

The last couple of nights we have got on well, I still have my doubts, sometimes she doesn't seem as keen as I am to see her. So this morning I said goodbye and I'll see her tomorrow, she said she will text me throughout today when she can.

 

Lets see how this goes....

[Poutrew]

Be in for an interesting time... Ya know, if your relationship survives, I wonder how she will react if you do the same thing to her in a month or so? I'd bet she wouldn't like it, and you can gently remind her of tonight...

[ExpatInItaly]

Good grief man, do not stay at her house. If you really feel the need to do that, then I can assure you your relationship is already over.

 

If you don't believe her or trust her, that's one thing. Cut and bail now if that's the case. But camping out at her house to test her? That's just creepy. She is a grown woman and you are a grown man. Behave like one.

[Ronni]

So an update: She has been in frequent contact with me today and it wasn't me instigating it, she made the first message and called me twice. She is going to call later on. Everything seems ok, told me she loves me and that she is having a good time.

[kgcolonel]

Updates....did you talk about her day and what all she did at the festival? How are things now?