How to reverse the damage done?

[Ronni]

Hello, I aim to make this as simple to understand as possible.

 

I have been seeing my girlfriend for just under 14 months and I have never felt like this about anyone before. I am madly in love and it is driving me insane in good ways and bad. At this moment in time I feel a bit insecure and silly thoughts keep going through my mind.

 

At the beginning I was quite distant and I didn't have very strong feelings in the first few months, I had feelings but there was times when I wouldn't get in touch a few days at a time and just met up with her whenever. She wasn't happy about this and was close to leaving. I persuaded her that I wanted to be with her and I would see her more. I started seeing her most weekends and then after the 6 month mark I started seeing her through the week too up until the point were it became nearly every day and I stay with her about 4 nights out of 7. So I was a bit of a slow mover but I didn't want to rush things as for me it is still early days. After being with her for about 3 months I told her I loved her but it took her longer to say it. Maybe because I was still a bit distant. I did love her at that time, I wasn't making it up.

 

Our relationship built gradually up until the point where the feeling of being in madly in love seemed to come out of nowhere and now I can't bare to be without her and she feels the same as I do, its amazing but I overthink things:

 

I feel like there is something missing and I sometimes I can't figure her out. I can say I love you and she doesn't say it back, or I tell her how I feel and what she means to me but she doesn't communicate her feelings and it leaves me wondering. I sometimes have to ask her how she feels to get something out of her. The relationship is great and we are both happy but little insecurities are getting to me. I feel her friends may be a bad influence and they take recreational drugs which I don't want her to do as it will hurt me. My previous relationship ended the same way. There is always something that is worrying me. I worry she will leave me one day, I pour my heart oit to her with my feelings but will she take advantage of that?

 

I want to spend the rest of my life with her, we are both in our thirties and have had previous relationships so we know what we are doing but most of these things in my head are driving me mad. She had a night out with friends recently and when I asked her about it she said "it was ok" very short answers from her the next morning. It makes me wonder. Sometimes she is telling me what I mean to her on texts and sometimes she can respond with one or two words or not reply at all. Is this all in my head? I think about her constantly and stupid thoughts creep into my head.

[central]

Trust your gut. Something isn't right. She may simply be very private and closed-in, and thus uncommunicative, but there may also be something less innocuous about her lack of openness. If she can't express her feelings for you, it may be that she doesn't really feel about you the way you do about her. My concern would be that you check her relationship boxes, but the passion or depth may be lacking. One barometer may be the quality and frequency of your sex life, and any changes for the worse.

[smackie9]

It's not in your head. Her behavior shows she is pulling away. The only thing I can suggest is have that conversation with her. Don't pour your heart out, sobbing like a fool conversation, but ask her calmly/directly what is going on, and if she has doubts about the future of this relationship. of course mention her coldness towards you, because this is what has alerted you that something maybe wrong.

[SevenCity]

Yes, it is you.

 

I don't mean that to be mean, but your actions will drive her away.

 

I'm not crazy about her having druggie friends - especially at that age. But you'll have to see if she is using and don't give her a reason to lie to you.

 

You are being needy and desperate. This is a huge turn off to women as they want a man. Don't be a jerk, but let her get the impression you can walk at any time. If she knows you'll stay no matter what it will make her look at you as weak. Women, despite what they may say, do not find weak men attractive.

 

Be a rock. Work to get to the bottom of issues and press her even though she says nothing is wrong when you know something is.

 

I'm reading a book now "how to be a 3% man" by Corey Wayne and its brought back all the knowledge I had in my youth when I was a smarter man. Check him out on YouTube and get his book on Amazon. The vids are great because he likely has covered your situation from another reader. You will see patterns that make you say "Holy S, that's exactly what happened to me!"

 

Do it before it's too late. She sounds like she is getting ready to dump you and you are pushing her to do it with your neediness.

[pteromom]

I feel like there is something missing and I sometimes I can't figure her out.

 

You need to figure out what is missing.

 

Is it something you need but aren't getting? Is it a nagging feeling that she is hiding something? You gotta figure that out so you can communicate with her about it.

 

I can say I love you and she doesn't say it back, or I tell her how I feel and what she means to me but she doesn't communicate her feelings and it leaves me wondering.

 

Have you told her that when you say you love her, you would like her to say it back? Not like that is a lot of effort on her part.

 

The feelings thing - sometimes it is tedious talking about feelings, and maybe she doesn't want to talk about it. Still - if you are wondering, ASK! If you want to build a life, you need to be able to talk. Keep it light, short, and simple.

 

little insecurities are getting to me. I feel her friends may be a bad influence and they take recreational drugs which I don't want her to do as it will hurt me. My previous relationship ended the same way.

 

What is HER feeling about drugs? Does she want to use them? Has she used them in the past? What are her values when it comes to drugs? You gotta talk about this with her. If she says she has no interest whatsoever, you have to trust her and let it go (unless you think she is lying, which is another issue altogether.) If she says she is interested and only refraining from doing drugs because you don't like it, there is a disconnect in values that may come back to bite you later.

 

There is always something that is worrying me. I worry she will leave me one day, I pour my heart oit to her with my feelings but will she take advantage of that?

 

I assume you've built up enough trust in her in a year to know if she is the kind of person who takes advantage of others. Does she get off on hurting friends, coworkers, family? If not, there is no reason to believe she will intentionally hurt you too.

 

As far as "leaving you one day"... well, that's all part of dating, right? We get to know someone and determine whether they are compatible with us or not. She might decide you aren't "the one".... but you have no control over that. All you can do is be honest and authentic and give it your all. Listen to her, learn to understand her, and make effort to give her what she needs from a relationship. And hope for the best.

 

And, of course, know that if things don't go as planned, YOU WILL BE OK. So give it your all and have no regrets no matter what.

 

I want to spend the rest of my life with her, we are both in our thirties and have had previous relationships so we know what we are doing but most of these things in my head are driving me mad. She had a night out with friends recently and when I asked her about it she said "it was ok" very short answers from her the next morning. It makes me wonder. Sometimes she is telling me what I mean to her on texts and sometimes she can respond with one or two words or not reply at all. Is this all in my head? I think about her constantly and stupid thoughts creep into my head.

 

Just from what you are saying, I get the feeling that you are worrying yourself over nothing. Are you generally an anxious person?

 

Remember that her "job" as a partner isn't to constantly reassure you and help you fight your own insecurities. That becomes a burden quickly in a relationship. You have to trust her (unless you have reason not to - again, another issue altogether.) You have to trust in what you have together without constantly needing that "fix" of reassurance. You have to LAUGH and love and listen, and remember that relationships are supposed to be fun!

 

She should be able to respond with just a wink and you know that what you have is real. IF it is real. And you know the answer to that without over-analyzing every response that she gives you.

 

You can learn to shut the stupid thoughts down when they creep up. Don't feed them.

[pteromom]

It's not in your head. Her behavior shows she is pulling away. The only thing I can suggest is have that conversation with her. Don't pour your heart out, sobbing like a fool conversation, but ask her calmly/directly what is going on, and if she has doubts about the future of this relationship. of course mention her coldness towards you, because this is what has alerted you that something maybe wrong.

 

Only if her behavior has CHANGED.

 

If she was professing her love constantly and now she is cool and detached, then yeah, something is up.

 

But sometimes, like I said in my other comment, talking about feelings gets tedious.

 

He said that sometimes, she talks about what he means to her in texts... how often does he need to hear it to believe it?

[Ronni]

Ok, few things I should mention, we have amazing sex every time we are together, twice a day. Its so good.

 

She is a nice person she is very friendly and does a lot fot me. She will text me when I am in work and offer to cook dinner. She does a lot for me and I do for her.

 

I don't feel like she is pulling away she doesn't seem the type, her actions show how she feels but I like to hear it also.

 

Maybe she just needs time. She likes to plan vacations that are 12 months in time and talks openly about xmas and birthdays etc. There is no sign to say she wants to leave but I just don't know what it is getting to me. It could be her facial expression. Its like she has the same straight face all the time and she doesn't wear her heart on her sleeve like me. My face shows my emotions whereas she keeps it cool. Is she afraid of getting hurt?

 

We have had a few arguments the last few weeks over silly things and she said I was doing it on purpose trying to find a way to leave. That is nonsense, I was arguing with her about her doing certain things that made me feel down.

[mikeylo]

I guess she her feelings are catching up just like yours. As feelings grow, people react in different ways. Some pour their heart out while some don't know how to deal with them. If she wasn't expecting, then probably isn't able to process.

 

If she isn't pulling away and always wants to see you , maybe it's time to bring it out on the table. You were slow and she was slower than you. So now , you are already madly in love , she could be catching up after you-- madly in love. Since you've been there already , you know how it feels. She is feeling the same.

 

I guess you guys are cool except the drugs part

[pteromom]

Ok, few things I should mention, we have amazing sex every time we are together, twice a day. Its so good.

 

She is a nice person she is very friendly and does a lot fot me. She will text me when I am in work and offer to cook dinner. She does a lot for me and I do for her.

 

I don't feel like she is pulling away she doesn't seem the type, her actions show how she feels but I like to hear it also.

 

Maybe she just needs time. She likes to plan vacations that are 12 months in time and talks openly about xmas and birthdays etc. There is no sign to say she wants to leave but I just don't know what it is getting to me. It could be her facial expression. Its like she has the same straight face all the time and she doesn't wear her heart on her sleeve like me. My face shows my emotions whereas she keeps it cool. Is she afraid of getting hurt?

 

We have had a few arguments the last few weeks over silly things and she said I was doing it on purpose trying to find a way to leave. That is nonsense, I was arguing with her about her doing certain things that made me feel down.

 

Ah, this puts new perspective on things.

 

Can you read The Five Love Languages with her? It sounds like YOUR love language is words of affirmation, and hers is definitely not.

 

She sounds like a great person. Having RBF doesn't mean she doesn't love you... and it doesn't mean she is afraid of being hurt. Not EVERYONE wears their heart on their sleeve.

[mortensorchid]

Guy, I am sorry to hear this, truly. Remember, the key to anything is good communication. When it's bad, it's REALLY BAD. If she is not communicating these things to you, this is a bad sign. If something doesn't seem right, it usually isn't. You may never know what it is or isn't, but it will always linger there between you and that person until it comes to a head somehow.

 

I wish I could say that it will all be better, but, it doesn't sound like it.

[HopefulJacob96]

I think she might be going through a struggle of some sort. Not knowing what that is, I think it could be very helpful if you were to sit down with her and have a clear discussion about her feelings and where she is at emotionally. Clarity, for better or worse, will likely be much better for the situation than simply not knowing.

[Dis]

Woman here and speaking from experience....

 

I think she's scared and hesitant to open up to you because you kind of left her hanging in the beginning...I think you might have done some damage in the first few months

 

She probably feels she cant trust you to be there...to be constant...maybe she feels like she needs to keep you at arms length to save herself from getting hurt again in the future

 

I'd have a talk with her and let her know you are truly in love with her and you arent going anywhere...let her know how you feel about her...and also your concerns...allow yourself to be vunerable

 

After that its a waiting game...you'll have to prove yourself to her

 

Edit...14 months??? Hmmmm....that makes things alittle different....but maybe shes still harboring insecureties

[Ronni]

Is it possible for me to provide an update?

 

We have been out together today and when having a meal she asked me something along the lines of 'are you caught up in it all?' I had no idea what this meant and asked her to explain it to me simply. She explained it and I said 'so let me get this straight, do you think I would leave you if somebody else came along' to which she replied yes.

 

So I then told her how much she meant to me and that I only want to be with her and if someone else did come along I would simply say I have a partner, I am not interested. I then said it is something that she needs to work on in her own head, I can only tell you how I feel but it is up to you to rid those feelings.

 

Does she not trust me?

Could her mindset ruin our relationship down the line?

Could it make her cheat?

Could it be the reason why I feel like there is something missing?

Is she not allowing herself to come to me completely in the fear I am going to walk away for someone else?

[mikeylo]

Dude, it simply means that she doesn't know where this is going. She doesn't see that you are committed to her.

[Versacehottie]

I guess she her feelings are catching up just like yours. As feelings grow, people react in different ways. Some pour their heart out while some don't know how to deal with them. If she wasn't expecting, then probably isn't able to process.

 

If she isn't pulling away and always wants to see you , maybe it's time to bring it out on the table. You were slow and she was slower than you. So now , you are already madly in love , she could be catching up after you-- madly in love. Since you've been there already , you know how it feels. She is feeling the same.

 

I guess you guys are cool except the drugs part

 

I agree. I would only add that perhaps you guys are cool except for drugs part and OP insecurity part. Op, you are letting your insecurity get the best of you in quite a few situations of your relationship with her. Things ebb and flow--that's just natural. If you are always looking for signs of validation and reassurance or lack thereof, in most interactions with her, you are going to drive yourself crazy and her away. This is about one of the most unattractive things a guy could do (i imagine it's not so attractive either if a girl does it to her guy). On the whole it sounds like to me that you each have trouble being vulnerable and it brings up lots of stuff and kinda creates little new insecurities or pulling back. I'd say elements of feeling vulnerable and uncomfortable for being so open and what it could mean to have found and not want to lose this great person are normal. What you need to do though is recognize it in yourself and not let it derail you or the relationship and recognize that it may be exactly what she goes through too--even if her timing, triggers or how she exhibits those feelings is different than you. I think that's what's going on. Good luck

[Versacehottie]

Is it possible for me to provide an update?

 

We have been out together today and when having a meal she asked me something along the lines of 'are you caught up in it all?' I had no idea what this meant and asked her to explain it to me simply. She explained it and I said 'so let me get this straight, do you think I would leave you if somebody else came along' to which she replied yes.

 

So I then told her how much she meant to me and that I only want to be with her and if someone else did come along I would simply say I have a partner, I am not interested. I then said it is something that she needs to work on in her own head, I can only tell you how I feel but it is up to you to rid those feelings.

 

Does she not trust me? BOTH OF YOU NEED TO BUILD TRUST IN EACH OTHER

Could her mindset ruin our relationship down the line? BOTH OF YOURS COULD

Could it make her cheat? YEP OR VICE VERSA

Could it be the reason why I feel like there is something missing? YES, YOU BOTH HAVE WALLS

Is she not allowing herself to come to me completely in the fear I am going to walk away for someone else? YEP and YOU about HER

 

 

Answers in bold. I do think it's interesting that you she feels a way that is also reflected in your own way in your OP. But yet you can't recognize or have empathy for these insecure feelings in each other. Maybe more, better, clearer, and more open communication with each other is what you really need.

[pteromom]

So I then told her how much she meant to me and that I only want to be with her and if someone else did come along I would simply say I have a partner, I am not interested. I then said it is something that she needs to work on in her own head, I can only tell you how I feel but it is up to you to rid those feelings.

 

Does she not trust me?

Could her mindset ruin our relationship down the line?

Could it make her cheat?

Could it be the reason why I feel like there is something missing?

Is she not allowing herself to come to me completely in the fear I am going to walk away for someone else?

 

She could ask you the same questions, since if she doesn't constantly say how she feels, you doubt her.

 

Why not ask HER these questions, since she is the only one who knows the answers. We can only speculate.

[Ronni]

I posted a thread titled 'Is it Me' a few weeks back and had some good responses. Since then, I have done and said some things I probably shouldn't.

 

My girlfriend is going out at the weekend with a friend which I don't have a problem with at all. The party finishes around midnight so I offered to pick her up or meet her at home and maybe we could go to town for a few late drinks together. She said "yea maybe, but I don't know what I am doing yet" so I replied "well I am making a plan with you now" and she said "it depends, I might come home early or I might want to stay out" I said "I just thought it would be nice to see you afterwards and have a drink together" she said "yea it is but I can't just leave the others and it depends what mood I am in"

At this point I just couldn't understand and she had already mentioned prior to this that she might take recreational drugs at this event which I am not happy about but I cannot stop her doing what she wants.

 

My biggest concern is that she comes home the next day and I will have massive concerns wondering where the hell she has been all night and what she was getting up to. I just don't understand why she doesn't want to come home afterwards and have a drink with me. She says its just one day/night that I want to go out and enjoy myself but my alarm bells are ringing and I am thinking whether it is me being stupid.

 

We have argued over this the past few days and argued about drug use and other silly little things. But she said if I carry on mistrusting her then I will push her away. I told her I trust her and I think I do. I have no question that she will cheat on me, its just I don't want her taking things and then turning up to me the day after. She said she won't stay out all night but how do I know what is going to happen?

 

I feel like I have started the downfall of our relationship, I even looked through her phone and saw something innocent which I took the wrong way.

 

I just want this weekend to pass by so I can see what she does and whether it becomes a new thing in her life doing this. She hasn't took a drug for over 15 years and says it will be a one off.

 

At this moment in time I feel the dynamics of the relationship have changed and I need to get them back to the way they where. What can I possibly do now this week to show her that I want her to go out and enjoy herself and get her back to being close to me again. Do I act care free and back off a little? Or do I not mention anything about the weekend. I'm asking how do I make myself desirable again instead of looking like I am insecure and weak.

[BaileyB]

If she wants your trust, then she has to be trust worthy.

 

Going to a party, taking drugs, drinking and staying out all night are not trustworthy behaviors, IMHO.

[kendahke]

Video ex taceo should be your motto. See, but say nothing. Observe, and pay extreme attention to continuity. If things don't add up, don't gaslight yourself by pretending you're not seeing what's falling out in experience at your feet.

 

If she does turn up to you the day after, what are you prepared to do about it?

 

She is being really sketchy--is she usually this evasive? And what recreational drug are we talking about? Some weed or acid/coke/meth/heroin? If she hasn't used in 15 years, why does she want to pollute herself? Can't a drink suffice?

 

I'd be quite concerned that she didn't want you to be any part of her evening after her "fun" with her friends... which leads me to believe that she was doing something or being around someone she didn't want you to know about.

 

I think what you do depends upon how much of her gameplaying you want to take part in. On the one hand, I would say give her about 3 days of no contact and see if she gets bothered enough to chase you down, but that's gameplaying. On the other, I'd say don't change up who you are or how you proceed--that's more about who you are: a boyfriend who is concerned about his girlfriend's sketchy behavior. You can be concerned and not be weak about it.

 

As I said, pay extreme attention to continuity and most importantly, pay attention to what she has said and how she has acted and if what falls out in experience is a natural and reasonable trajectory of what she's said. If things dont' add up, then you need to reconsider the wisdom in being in a relationship with a sketchy girlfriend.

[Satu]

In most cases, a persistent feeling of 'wrongness,' indicates that there is something wrong.

 

I would follow kendahke's advice if I were you.

 

 

Take care.

[Ronni]

It could be innocent. She might just want a night out and then go back to normal with me. Maybe I am reading it all wrong? Its like my mind is my enemy here and telling me otherwise. I have to fully trust her.

 

I am not going to know until it happens so I can only wait. If she does come home the next day then I need to be prepared to walk away. Just have to wait now.

[kendahke]

I am not going to know until it happens so I can only wait. If she does come home the next day then I need to be prepared to walk away. Just have to wait now.

 

Is she usually this evasive about her plans and what she's doing when you're not invited along?

 

Why does she need to do drugs if she hasn't done it in 15 years?

 

It could be innocent. She might just want a night out and then go back to normal with me. Maybe I am reading it all wrong? Its like my mind is my enemy here and telling me otherwise. I have to fully trust her.

 

Your intuition is telling you that you are being gaslighted. Trust is earned, not given when red flags are slapping you in the face.

 

She is acting shady and your spider senses are tingling.

Edited September 5, 2016 by kendahke

[Ronni]

Is she usually this evasive about her plans and what she's doing when you're not invited along?

 

Why does she need to do drugs if she hasn't done it in 15 years?

 

 

 

Your intuition is telling you that you are being gaslighted. Trust is earned, not given when red flags are slapping you in the face.

 

She is acting shady and your spider senses are tingling.

 

I appreciate your point and something is telling me that something isn't right but I am not a psycic, i feel more like I am psycho at the moment.

 

She still wants me around and I am with her nearly every night of the week staying over. I am there a lot of the time so I don't know. Every time I try and talk about the festival she is going to at the weekend she gets stressed as if I am about to cause another argument but I only want to talk about it. I have the urge to get in touch with her tonight after work and ask why she is being evasive and what has changed? I do feel like her behaviour has changed a bit but that could be me feeling that way.

[Poutrew]

I appreciate your point and something is telling me that something isn't right but I am not a psycic, i feel more like I am psycho at the moment.

 

She still wants me around and I am with her nearly every night of the week staying over. I am there a lot of the time so I don't know. Every time I try and talk about the festival she is going to at the weekend she gets stressed as if I am about to cause another argument but I only want to talk about it. I have the urge to get in touch with her tonight after work and ask why she is being evasive and what has changed? I do feel like her behaviour has changed a bit but that could be me feeling that way.

 

Of course she wants you around. You are her security blanket. The thing she snuggles with to keep the demons at bay. However, you are not welcome when she wants to dance with those same demons. Your girl wants to have her cake and eat it too. Thing is, you are not the cake - you are the napkin she uses to wipe away the crumbs... is this acceptable to you? If it is, don't complain when she wants to party and do drugs with her old 'friends'. Just be there to pick up the pieces. If it were me, I'd send her on her drug - fueled way and start looking for a responsible woman to hang with...