ulsterman Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 First things first. Thank you for taking the time to read this. It's a really beautiful thing to know that a complete stranger will take time to read my story. Ok, so my story starts about 2 years ago. I was an Irish man seeking adventure and I signed up to work at a summer camp in Pennsylvania. It was there I met the most amazing American girl also working at camp. We clicked immediately and I guess you can kinda say we fell for each other. After camp ended we spent a lot of time together and then I was to return to Ireland, sad I know. We knew that we both wanted to work at the same camp the following summer. Knowing that we would see each other again in 9 months we kept in daily contact. We never put a label on it, but we had strong feelings for each other. Next summer comes along and I jet off to camp again and I see her again. This summer was even better than last and by the end of the summer I'm madly in love with this girl and she feels the same about me. We are now in a bit of a pickle with the distance and we both have very different things planned for the following year. She was to study in Budapest and I was jetting off to Australia for another adventure for 2 years. Again we didn't put a label on it because I felt it added pressure, but we are madly in love and talk every day. Half way through my 1st year in Australia, I can't take anymore, I need to be with this girl. So I ask her to move out to Australia with me (acquiring an Australian working visa is easy) She reluctantly rejected my proposal as she took a job offer back in her hometown in the states. At this point I'm hurt and pissed off. After time I understand that not every one is like me and can pack up their life and move half way across the world, and this job was a really good opportunity for her. I can't give her up though, I love her too much. So we decide that I would visit soon and perhaps we could come up with some sort of plan. Fast forward 3 months, I'm still in Australia but planning to book tickets to the states soon to see her and out of no where she ghosts me. It's been 3 weeks now. I messaged her around the 1 week mark that I assume she feels different and I say that sucks, cause I love her, but she can take a little time for herself to figure things out. She's an anxious girl, a real sweet heart. I know she hates this as much as I do but she's really struggling to say what she wants to say. A mutual friend tells me she is going to contact me within a few days. Im quite anxious This is where I need advice and guidance from you folk. Can't lie, I'm hurt, I love her and I can't be with her. I don't feel any bitterness towards her because at the end of the day distance and life is the only thing to blame here. But it still sucks. Once she messages the inevitable (that she cant handle the distance now) I plan to be a gentleman about it. I also plan to pursue no contact with her, simply because I'll need to get over her. But the thing is I can't imagine my life without her in some way. I don't think I'll ever fully get over her simply because I've never felt this way about a girl before but once I hit the point where it doesn't hurt as much, I want to reconnect. Is this silly? Is it silly that Years from now I believe we can cross paths again and things may be different or am I foolishly holding onto a little hope. We never really had a chance at a real relationship and that's why things aren't as clear for me. Too many what ifs. It's just that right now, I feel like she was the one but life wouldn't allow it. How do I handle this? Anybody ever experience something beautiful with someone that couldn't develop because of distance and life? Again, thank you for reading this.
smudge21 Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 LDR are hard enough when it's a few hours, let alone a few continents. Maybe when it was just easy going, it was all nice and pleasant but then things changed when you started asking her to move out to be with you. Up until that point, it was LDR but you were moving it to something more serious. You see, my take on LDR's is that no matter how much two people love each other, by having that distance there's a sense of freedom and it's not as if the other half can just turn up at your door. I reckon as hard as an LDR can be to maintain, it can also be easy going for someone who wants a relationship, but not a full on 24/7 serious one. Not saying your lady was like this, it's just my take on it. All that said, it's been a long time and feelings can come and go, even for people who live in the same house together. Sadly we never chose who we fall in love with (oh if only we could). It's generally out of our control, so you two had all these plans and then those emotions came rampaging in to knock everything for six. It's tough but you read about it all the time here - life plans interrupted by falling in love. I reckon you've made your point and now letting her decide is the best option here. Begging and pleading never works, neither would turning up at her door. As you said, maybe you might run into each other again or maybe she may come back, but you don't want to be living in hope - it will only hold you back from living your life. No contact will allow you to heal over time, but it won't be easy. That's the trouble with life - we make plans and then something as simple as love pops up to put a spanner in the works.
Author ulsterman Posted September 5, 2016 Author Posted September 5, 2016 LDR are hard enough when it's a few hours, let alone a few continents. Maybe when it was just easy going, it was all nice and pleasant but then things changed when you started asking her to move out to be with you. Up until that point, it was LDR but you were moving it to something more serious. You see, my take on LDR's is that no matter how much two people love each other, by having that distance there's a sense of freedom and it's not as if the other half can just turn up at your door. I reckon as hard as an LDR can be to maintain, it can also be easy going for someone who wants a relationship, but not a full on 24/7 serious one. Not saying your lady was like this, it's just my take on it. All that said, it's been a long time and feelings can come and go, even for people who live in the same house together. Sadly we never chose who we fall in love with (oh if only we could). It's generally out of our control, so you two had all these plans and then those emotions came rampaging in to knock everything for six. It's tough but you read about it all the time here - life plans interrupted by falling in love. I reckon you've made your point and now letting her decide is the best option here. Begging and pleading never works, neither would turning up at her door. As you said, maybe you might run into each other again or maybe she may come back, but you don't want to be living in hope - it will only hold you back from living your life. No contact will allow you to heal over time, but it won't be easy. That's the trouble with life - we make plans and then something as simple as love pops up to put a spanner in the works. Thanks for replying! I like the point you made about it being pleasant and nice until I needed a little more and asked her to move out with me. I always got the impression she loved me deeply, but maybe it wasn't enough for her to take such a move. You're right though, LDR's sure are hard to understand. Don't worry I'm not the begging and pleading type. I'll accept her decision and move on. It's just hard to give up all hope because we couldn't ever have a real normal relationship you know. But this life, it's the game we all play. Cheers for advice 1
smudge21 Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 Hope will just fade - you can't force it out anymore than you can press a switch to heal. You never know what the future brings and the fact that this girl just came into your life out of the blue indicates that you have no idea what comes next. It sucks big time, but we got to go through the bad to appreciate the good.
GirlOnline Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 Why she has to move in another country? Why don't you go after her if you love her that much?
privategal Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 Ghosting is abusive and there is no excuse to treat someone like that EVER. I would never speak to her again as you were close and a big part of the others life and it isn't right to just walk away without explanation or closure.
Author ulsterman Posted September 5, 2016 Author Posted September 5, 2016 Why she has to move in another country? Why don't you go after her if you love her that much? I looked into it, getting an American visa is very difficult. Australia was the perfect solution in my eyes as its a place we could have both lived with a good lifestyle
lolablue17 Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 I needed a little more and asked her to move out with me. I always got the impression she loved me deeply, but maybe it wasn't enough for her to take such a move. Hey, you're not being fair. You can say the same about yourself, that maybe you don't love her enough to come and live with her where she lives. My standards are different. I could would have never agreed to have LDR with someone for more than 1-2 months in total and one time only. 1
Bialy Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 This was never going to work out. For one, it just sounds like a seasonal romance. You are far more interested in "adventures" as you say than cultivating a relationship. And it sounds like she is trying to establish a career. Again, this just sounds like a seasonal romance.
Author ulsterman Posted September 5, 2016 Author Posted September 5, 2016 This was never going to work out. For one, it just sounds like a seasonal romance. You are far more interested in "adventures" as you say than cultivating a relationship. And it sounds like she is trying to establish a career. Again, this just sounds like a seasonal romance. Fair point. I guess it was a kind of sesasonal romance, but there was daily contact for two years and we loved each other. And yes, we're on slightly different paths at the moment. But.. I don't know. I think i love her more than the path I'm on, there just wasn't much I could do about it. It was near impossible for me to move to the states permanently
fromheart Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 I've spent alot of time traveling, working overseas and been involved with international relationships. I've been in a few similar situations to yourself. What I've learned is to absolutely do my own thing, and if a romantic interest wants to join me she can. A woman who loves you will come to you. Its when you start compromising your life plan and go to them, they start to lose attraction for you. Its also 'travelers romance,' versus the real thing. They're often two different worlds. Someone might be a different person with different priorities back in their home country. You're this person she associates with getting away from daily life and enjoying herself. But that might not be compatible with her goals at home. Don't chase her anymore and don't reach out to her. You left the door open, let her come to you. Go for other women in the meantime and enjoy yourself. You're going to meet so many young, beautiful women on the road, and the girl back in the states can't expect you to wait if she's not contacting you. Traveling romances move at high speed, you can't ever expect commitment from them. Treat them day by day, and as soon as they get on the bus go back to being that free spirit they went for in the first place. You might never hear from them again, a shame but ok, or you might see them in the near future, also ok. A win win situation. You can always see her later, and if she's a ready to take the next step she'll let you know. But let her come to you and her do the chasing at this point. In the meantime, go enjoy the scenery down the beach I guarantee you wont be thinking about her as much
Toodaloo Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 Go no contact and immerse yourself in making new friends where you are. Long distance rarely work out.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 My guess is that she has met someone local. As others have said, this wasn't going to last. It's totally fine that you have pursued your dreams of international experiences, but they are not her dreams. Not loving you enough has nothing to do with it, and is a rather unfair assumption on your part. It will get easier as time passes. Once you two have been out of contact for a while, you will develop new daily routines that don't involve talking to her. It will sting for a while but sooner or later that will subside.
marky00 Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 (edited) "Not loving you enough has nothing to do with it, and is a rather unfair assumption on your part." ??? I disagree. She got cold feet when he hinted coming to her. I did an LDR for 9 years. I know how the push-pull works. What I learned with LDR's, only way they work is if you do all the grunt work early on. Because if you get complacent and 3 years down the line hint at going to her country and working or whatever, often the love has dropped somewhat or people have got set in their ways and it goes downhill from there. Edited September 5, 2016 by marky00
ExpatInItaly Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 (edited) "Not loving you enough has nothing to do with it, and is a rather unfair assumption on your part." ??? I disagree. She got cold feet when he hinted coming to her. I did an LDR for 9 years. I know how the push-pull works. What I learned with LDR's, only way they work is if you do all the grunt work early on. Because if you get complacent and 3 years down the line hint at going to her country and working or whatever, often the love has dropped somewhat or people have got set in their ways and it goes downhill from there. They weren't in a relationship, though. That is significant. These were seasonal romances. You were in an established LDR. These two were not. Suggesting she move to Australia from the US is not some small move. That is a major change in someone's life and why would she give up a career and established lifestyle for a guy she likes but who is not her boyfriend? That's a huge sacrifice to make for someone she's not in a relationship with. Anyway, she clearly doesn't feel the same way about you anymore, OP. It sucks and she should have been honest with you, but there's not a lot you can do when she's not responsive. Edited September 5, 2016 by ExpatInItaly
Author ulsterman Posted September 5, 2016 Author Posted September 5, 2016 Really appreciate the responses guys. Sometimes talking to family and friends just doesn't work. You guys have gave me perspective. I think I wasn't realistic about this from the start. And the way I am, I just throw myself completely into things and nothing stops me. Young love eh. Besides the obvious heartache which sucks. There's a lot to learn from this. Much love
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