Lied to ex about sth when dating. Might reconcile, so I confessed: what do I do now?

[kamu7]

Sorry this turned into an essay. Short summary is: lied to my boyfriend when we dated 3 years ago about my age (he was 18, I was 21, said I was 20) because the reason I'm older is due to a traumatic set of events I was trying to minimise. (I asked if age would be an issue if I was 21, he said no, so I just went with it. I fully well know that was not ok.) I eventually ended things because I couldn't cope with the weirdness/guilt. After some terrible years apart, in which he did some pretty awful things, he really wants to be friends and build a basis to (potentially) date again. I admitted that I'd lied to him about my age. The lying isn't the main issue (in part because he's also lied about some stuff so we both knew we weren't being great; he also knows it wasn't coming from a bad place). But: He says while he wouldn't have been bothered by the age difference when we first started dating, it bothers him now because it seems like we're too far apart, though it's not (at this point anyway) a deal breaker. I don't know what to do--I hate myself enough already for the age difference, and now that I've finally got over it/the reasons behind it, I don't want to deal with him having issues about it too.

 

----

(Long story--though the short summary above covers the basics):

 

When I was 18 I started at university and by some very bad luck, had a truly terrible time and experienced some really traumatic things that I'd never expected/could not handle at the time. In my second year I applied to transfer because I did not want to be there anymore. I was set to start at a new university in my third year, however, I fell pretty ill due to some of the things that had happened at that university and had to defer. So when I started at my new university, I was 21.

 

The way it worked, I had to start all over again (credits didn't transfer). So I was with a bunch of 18 year old freshmen. They knew or could tell I was older, but none of them knew the story. It was (and is) really traumatic to recall, nor did I think it was their business to know, so I simply said I'd taken a gap year. Most people therefore assumed I was only a year older. With the people I hung out with, I was slightly more open and said I'd also deferred a year due to illness. However, I barely went into any more detail. I was afraid of bullying too (that I'd be the 'weird old kid')--I couldn't handle that, given the reasons why I was old.

 

As it happens, one of the guys in my friendship group ended up liking me, and asked me out. He'd assumed/heard I was 2 years older (20). I initially turned him down because I didn't feel that I could date someone so young given the age difference and also the emotional issues due to it. However, some persistence/peer pressure meant I eventually caved. I was really, really hesitant, and I repeatedly asked him if age was an issue, and if it would be an issue if I were a year older. He repeatedly said no it wasn't, and it wouldn't, he liked me and didn't care about the age difference.

 

I know I did a really crappy thing in not telling him: at the beginning I was afraid I couldn't trust him/that he'd react nastily; by the time we were involved, it felt too weird to admit I'd let him believe this lie. I felt awful about it the whole time, was really unnaturally uptight the whole relationship because of it, and after some months ended it because I just couldn't deal with the weirdness of the age gap/the guilt of lying and not feeling capable of telling him. I gave him some bogus reason which he took very personally. He tried to get back together with me a few times, but I was against it because I knew that the age issue wasn't going away.

 

After that things went very sour between us, for the next three years we alternated between hating each other, occasionally hooking up, crying a lot whenever we saw each other, etc. It was awful. He's had a couple of relationships since. I've been on dates and got with people, but haven't found anyone I want to be with (or who wants to be with me back). Part of the problem still is that many of the people I work with are younger, and after this experience I vowed to only date older guys for my own sanity, but that really narrows the pool. (Ironically I still get hit on mostly by younger guys; I look really young for my age.)

 

Over the past month, I don't know what changed--he's always wanted to be friends but not date--he suddenly became interested in actually dating again. It's been so sour between us that I didn't really feel I wanted to in any way. However, after quite a bit of talking I began to remember all the good things about it. The plan then became to try to establish a healthy friendship with a view to maybe dating in the future. Yet I still remembered the elephant in the room--my age. So I warned him I needed to tell him something and then sent him a long message explaining the lie and why I did it, that it was the reason behind our tense relationship/breakup, etc. TBH, I feel less weird about the age difference now. On the one hand, it's problematic because I think younger guys just aren't always that reliable/into commitment, esp in their 20s. But I guess after 3 years of being single, I've realised that all the good things about our relationship outweigh a numerical difference that'll barely matter in some years. So I don't see it as a deal breaker anymore.

 

His reaction actually seemed ok when he texted back (basically 'yeah it's a bit weird, but I understand you had your reasons. I'm not reacting badly, don't stress'). However, when I skyped him, he admitted that while he's not mad or upset, he does feel weird--not only about the lying (which was what I expected), but also about the age difference itself. He said he wouldn't have minded at 18/21, but somehow 23/26 just seems like a really big difference, especially since he's kind of just starting out in the same city as me, doing a masters, whereas I'm barrelling ahead professionally (gotta make up for lost time). I can see what he means--he's just about to start this new, fun, still a student life, and I'm kind of living a more mature, working one.

 

The thing is, he did some really ****ty things when we were broken up, so I think he feels he can't really hold the lying over me; plus he knows it didn't come from a bad place (as he said). However, I think he feels the age difference is just too much to overcome. He said the age difference is just really weird and makes it harder for him to imagine dating, but if we don't end up together, it won't be because of the age difference.. but I'm not convinced. I can see where he's coming from.. after all, the age difference is the reason I tanked our relationship in the first place. It's just crappy that if I hadn't lied to him in the first place, we either would've happily dated onwards, or at least if we'd broken up/then revisited it, this issue would not exist.

 

So I don't really know what to do now.. he seems keen to still hang out, and we talked a bit about our relationship and how we could've been more open generally and communicated more about e.g. sex (and then he got really into what we could do now to make up for that). But I know that if we keep talking/hanging out (we'd vowed to keep it physically platonic unless we got into a relationship, though i don't know if that'll be possible), and then if a couple months from now he meets someone he fancies who's his age and chucks me, I'll feel absolutely rubbish. It'll not only feel awful to be left, but it'll also feel awful because it'll be confirmation that my age--the product of some random, traumatic experiences--is just something that guys see as a totally justifiable turn-off/dealbreaker.

 

I know the rational thing is just to cut off contact but I guess the past four years made me realise that a good relationship outweighs social norms like age.. so if I cut off now I'll just be digging my own misery once again like I did when I first ended things.

 

Help???? ;(

Edited September 5, 2016 by kamu7

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think reconciling would be a good idea. You are worried about the age difference, he is worried about the age difference. If it's a point of tension now, I don't see how that is going to get better when there are other factors working against you two already, ie. the lie, whatever he did when you were broken up, and so on. He's already telling you he's not ready to date you and that he's not comfortable with the lying and age gap.

 

It's probably going to be a far better use of your time to meet someone else, start with a clean slate of honesty and transparency, and move on from your ex.

[kamu7]

I know that, and I've really tried this year, but I haven't had great luck.. I went on a lot of dates and really clicked with a few people, but all of those sort of hit dead ends (one is away traveling for six months, one has a hanging-on girl that caused too many problems, one turned out to have somewhat misogynistic views in certain areas, etc.) The age difference bothers me in the hypothetical sense but I have kind of reached the point where I feel it really doesn't matter in practice--it's really all the other stuff that is the problem. However, it upsets me that the age difference now bothers him (when it didn't before)--it makes me feel weird/undesirable :/.

 

In a way I guess I thought it could be ok to keep talking to/hanging out with the ex, while also putting effort into continually meeting other people or keeping up with other potential people (e.g. the guy away travelling). "Keep options open" without getting too emotionally invested in one, I guess.

 

I do think my ex and I could work really well, prima facie better than frankly the vast majority of the other people I know. That's why I still want to keep trying with him, because while there's a lot of bad in the relationship, there's also a lot of good that I haven't found elsewhere (and I've made a pretty concerted effort, and am very close to some other guys).

 

But I still think I'd be really hurt if one day my ex turned around and said "Sorry, the age difference is too much. I've met someone else." I'd feel like I'd just been a safety net to carry him along until he met that person. I guess I just want to feel that he's not using me to get through a lonely period, and that he hasn't already decided against dating but is using me for company anyway.