Feeling like a back up plan

[LostSoul616]

I've been with my SO for almost 20 years.

 

A few months ago, I caught her on the phone talking to another man. It was early in the morning and we were both in bed. She quickly got up to answer the phone and then left the room and went outside. Before she shut the door, I heard a man's voice on the phone asking what she was doing. When she returned I asked her who it was, and she told me it was a female coworker. We got into a small argument, but it was mostly one-sided as I was the one upset and she just laughed and called me crazy.

 

A few days after the phone call incident, she woke up one morning and grabbed her phone. I was already awake, but I hadn't moved yet. She sat up and leaned over to check if I was asleep, so I quickly shut my eyes. I waited a minute, then I turned around quickly and saw her texting emoji hearts to someone. She quickly shut the screen off and I decided it was time to confront her.

 

We argued and fought for probably over an hour as she did everything to convince me that it was nobody and I had nothing to worry about. But, I would not let it go until she had shown me the text. I was so furious in that moment, that I had taken her phone away from her. She had to leave for work and started crying uncontrollably as she would not leave without it. She finally gave in and allowed me to see the text.

 

Obviously my heart sank as the truth hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew something was going on, but I was living in denial. Now, I was staring at it right in the face. She had been texting another man on Facebook. I was devastated.

 

Later on that evening we talked about it. She said it was just someone she met because she felt lonely and I didn't compliment her or pay her enough attention anymore. She said she didn't love him and that he didn't really matter, she just wanted me to give her more affection. She said she would no longer talk with him.

 

So, for the next 3 weeks I tried so hard to give her attention. I constantly told her how beautiful she was, I went out with her on the weekends, and I did everything I could to make her feel special and appreciated. But, she was always so distant and disconnected that I felt like she really hadn't stopped talking to this other person. Anytime I brought it up she would get angry and tell me it was over between them, that she hadn't talked to him since the day I found out, and that I was pushing her away.

 

One night, I waited for her to fall asleep, then I used her finger to unlock her phone. Sure enough, she was still on messenger talking with the same guy. She told him that I was saying all the right things but it was too late. I was shocked to see that he was sort of taking my side, telling her that he thinks she needs to try to work it out with me.

 

Again, I confronted her, we argued and then she said she was sorry and that it was truly over between them but just wanted to keep him as a friend. She promised to unlock her phone and give me access to her Facebook to prove it. But first she had to go through Facebook and delete a lot of content and conversations.

 

I went through her Facebook and found several posts that she marked hidden so she forgot to delete them. She had told everyone in her circle, her family and friends, that she was in love with him. She had several posts and photos of me saying how much she hated me and how glad she was to be leaving me. Her Facebook was setup to hide all these posts from my family, so I was completely in the dark about what was going on this whole time. I confronted her, but she said they were all old posts before she ended it with him so it wasn't worth fighting over.

 

A few weeks went by. I kept a close watch. She wasn't messaging him as far as I could tell. But she still searched his page daily, liked his posts and photos, etc. I checked his page and found out several movies and songs that we watched and listened to were really things he was interested in and posted on his page. This made me feel so depressed. She was truly in love with this person, to a level of obsession and infatuation.

 

I told her she needed to get over him if we were to move on. I asked her how she is planning to get over him if she keeps checking on him everyday, and rather than respond to me, she sent him a text saying "hey, I need your advice... I can't get over you". At that moment, I realized there was no point in trying anymore. No point in arguing or fighting. I told her that its obvious she isn't in love with me and that she is in love with, and I urged her to tell him she loves and to be with him. So she did, and he rejected her.

 

I later found out that he had rejected her weeks before. But she lead me on to believe the whole time that she had chosen me over him, and that she broke it off with him to be with me. Now I had known that she truly wanted to be with him, but he didn't want to be with her. And that was the only reason we were still together.

 

She had plans to leave me. She had plans to move to another state and had even applied to jobs to move closer to him. But, he was married. I assume he wasn't willing to leave his wife for her. I don't really know the reason why, but he just didn't want to be with her.

 

Now, Im feeling like a back up plan for her. I feel like if things would've went the way she wanted, she would be with him right now. But, since he didn't want her she is with me. It doesn't make me feel good about my situation. I lost my trust for her, I think I am falling out of love with her.

 

I fought so hard for her thinking I was competing with someone else, but the whole time I was just competing against her. She was fighting for him. Now I'm lost. I don't know whether I should leave her or if I should try to get things back to the way they used to be. I loved her more than anything, and I always thought she felt the same way. But her posts said she was never happy with me. And I know she was never in love with me like she was with this person. She's never been interested in movies or songs I like. I guess I just need some advice from an outsiders perspective.

[Captivating]

Aww...terrible. I am so sorry that you are hurting.

You see the situation very clearly which is great. You are very intelligent.

 

The ultimate betrayal of her was posting that she is in love with him on social media, and that she is hating you and that she is glad to leave you..... in a SNEAKY/COWARD way, hiding it from your family and lying to your face about it several times when confronted. Actions speak louder than words ! Terrible !

 

.....

It is one thing to be infatuated by someone (or fall in love) after a long relationship where possibly sparks don't fly anymore, but she should still be respectful, caring about your feelings regardless. I don't say that it is ok of her having a wondering eye.

 

I completely understand and agree with your points.

She might have self-esteem issues if she needed a stranger's reassurance so badly.

Also, "affair fog" supposed to be a phenomenon where she blames the circumstances and you for the situation instead of owning up to what happened.

 

Her behavior seems emotionally immature.

I am surprised how many chances you gave her.....

 

If I were in your situation, I would move on......I know it hurts.

You deserve way better than this, don't you ??? She will regret it one day, I'm sure.

 

I keep reposting this video, watch this:

 

[Alamo657]

I fought so hard for her thinking I was competing with someone else, but the whole time I was just competing against her. She was fighting for him. Now I'm lost. I don't know whether I should leave her or if I should try to get things back to the way they used to be. I loved her more than anything, and I always thought she felt the same way. But her posts said she was never happy with me. And I know she was never in love with me like she was with this person. She's never been interested in movies or songs I like. I guess I just need some advice from an outsiders perspective.

 

The way you describe it, it seems she settled for you for whatever reasons wer are not aware about.

 

She is obviously going trough some midlife crisis, looking for passion.

It's very common.

 

Don't mind the post saying she was "never happy with you"; it's just a facade for the other guy. If she was that unhappy with you, she wouldn't have stayed for 20 years.

 

But all of this she will only realize and accept it after she lost you, not while you're desperetaly trying to fix a relationship on your own, while she's making no effort to. It takes 2 to tango...

 

What you should do is man up. She's been manipulating you, lying to you, and wanted to cheat on you for some fantasy guy who she only talked to on FB. You cannot continue or fix your relationship "as it were" without alot of work on HER side.

 

If she's not ready for that, then she must leave the house for a while. No need for divorce yet... but she has to go and think about what she wants without you around.

[smudge21]

That truly sucks man, I feel for you, totally. Sadly it looks to me like a classic GIGS case here. The other guy is the unknown, the excitement of something new and different. However, this guy appears to not be that interested and now she'll be coming back to you. That said, the problem isn't him appearing, it's what has gone from the relationship for her. I hate that she tried to blame it on you for not treating her right - WTF! If you have concerns, you discuss them, not go off to find happiness elsewhere, and then discuss them only when you get found out. I really wish I could put a positive spin on this but for me, I'd find it hard to trust her again. I know obviously that you could both get help with the relationship, but she's got to want to do that and want to keep the relationship.. for the right reasons. It's a horrible situation you're in. Wish I had some answers for you.