Are there ways to say certain things without outright lying during dating?

September 4, 2016

Um,.....
in your original post you said you hadn't been on a date with a few women who were "judgemental" of you and wouldn't date you... But you hadn't actually met them in person or gone on a date.

You're getting waaay too far into discussions with people before meeting. You shouldn't be conversing this much before meeting once.

And you shouldn't be counting them out with dealbreakers popping up so frequently until you've met them. You're making it very serious much too early.

First just meet someone you'd like to spend 10 minutes with, and spend the 10 minutes.

But usually these women bring these things up into text discussions. They ask about past relationships & such. I mean what am I supposed to do if they ask through text? It's literally happened with around 6 or 7 different women on online dating.

September 4, 2016

I also live in an extremely expensive city and kids are staying at home much longer these days by necessity.

I reckon that you could get away with it till about the age of 25. After that, look at share housing.

September 4, 2016

The reality of it is, women are looking for what they are looking for. You need more than just attraction to sustain a relationship. Most have marriage, financial stability, etc in mind. They don't want to have to hold some guy's hand. it is what it is.

***Instead of complaining how everyone is so judgemental, DO something to change it. Focus on finding a better job or get a second job, find a roommate or two to share a place, etc

When I was 24 I was working 2 jobs and a side job, so don't give me "I can't".

September 4, 2016

A good workaround is to say something along the lines of, "I'm at a good place in life - putting money towards savings and getting myself ready for my next move. I'll soon be at my own place."

I'm jumping into OLD. I'm chatting with a guy (and will be meeting him tomorrow). He's a few years younger than me. In my profile, I mention how I'm financially responsible and at a good place in life.

I don't have unrealistic expectations. He's 28 and seems mature for his age. He mentioned right off the bat. "I have a full-time job. To pay off my student loans, I'm working as an uber driver on my free time."

I think that's pretty awesome. I didn't ask - he just came right out and said it. I respect that and honestly like that he's proactive.

I'm 34 and don't have any debt. I'm not unreasonable --- I also live in an expensive metropolitan area and know the folks might be a few years away from where I am.

September 4, 2016

But usually these women bring these things up into text discussions. They ask about past relationships & such. I mean what am I supposed to do if they ask through text? It's literally happened with around 6 or 7 different women on online dating.

They're making sure that they aren't wasting your time or theirs by going on a date with someone who would never be a match. See it as a blessing.

Why would you want to go on a date knowing up front you would get rejected because of some deal breaker you lied about, get your hopes up, and then have them dashed? That makes zero sense! Yet that's what you're trying to do.

September 4, 2016

They're making sure that they aren't wasting your time or theirs by going on a date with someone who would never be a match. See it as a blessing.

Why would you want to go on a date knowing up front you would get rejected because of some deal breaker you lied about, get your hopes up, and then have them dashed? That makes zero sense! Yet that's what you're trying to do.

True, I almost feel like I shouldn't even be trying to meet anyone due to a bunch of different reasons. But when will I ever if I don't think about it. I just feel as every year goes by now I'm just going to have even less options. It just seems I'm probably not relationship material to most women currently. It's like a double edged sword, if I try to find someone it's just going to leave me depressed & disappointed due to all the rejections, but if I don't try it's just going to leave me feeling like I'll never meet anyone & even more time will go by without any experience.

September 4, 2016

What have you done over the years to fix the things that you reference making it difficult to date? What is your plan to remedy those things that remain?

September 4, 2016

What have you done over the years to fix the things that you reference making it difficult to date? What is your plan to remedy those things that remain?

It's a few health issues I'm dealing with that I made a thread about in the Self-Improvement and Personal Well-Being section. Doctors haven't been able to help me with one of the issues I'm dealing with & it's affecting my life. Been to countless doctors about it & no one can seem to help me. I feel I've tried everything yet I'm still having issues with it. I feel it's affecting me from moving forward with some things in my life in terms of trying to get a better job, etc. I don't know what I'm supposed to do about it at this point if every doctor I go to just sends me on my way without trying to help me.

September 5, 2016

Okay, I went and found the old threads you mentioned. I'm still trying to understand why you feel you can't complete your education or get a better job. It seems you've seen a number of specialists, had in-depth workups, including an MRI, and they can't find anything physically wrong.

FWIW, I have quite a few friends who have actually had serious chronic illnesses, necessitating repeated surgeries. They still managed to finish college, get through grad school, start careers, marry, and in some cases have families. In one friend's case, her illness, despite a series of surgeries, ultimately led to liver failure our senior year in college and then a liver transplant while she was in grad school. In another, her chronic illness led to kidney failure and her first kidney transplant junior year of college. She just had her second kidney transplant because her illness progressed and destroyed her transplant. Another of my friend's developed an aggressive bone cancer. Sophomore year, she had surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy. Still finished school and is married with a good career. I could go on with other examples because a lot of people have significant health issues. The vast majority continue to move ahead with their life goals.

Second, if you are unhappy and truly wanted to change, your choices don't make sense. Why you would refuse medication recommended for your "embarrassing" intrusive thoughts? Why would jaw/ear popping prevent you from going to class or applying for a better job? Is it possible you're using these as crutches so that you don't have to push yourself?

Ditto for claiming you have to live at home because you live in an expensive city. Unless you're looking at LDRs, prospective dates face the same cost of living issues. If they (and their friends) figured out a way to find decent-paying jobs and live independently of their parents, then your excuses will be just that...excuses or attempts to get pity dates. Those never work, certainly not in the long run.

Edited September 5, 2016 by angel.eyes

September 5, 2016

Okay, I went and found the old threads you mentioned. I'm still trying to understand why you feel you can't complete your education or get a better job. It seems you've seen a number of specialists, had in-depth workups, including an MRI, and they can't find anything physically wrong.

FWIW, I have quite a few friends who have actually had serious chronic illnesses, necessitating repeated surgeries. They still managed to finish college, get through grad school, start careers, marry, and in some cases have families. In one friend's case, her illness, despite a series of surgeries, ultimately led to liver failure our senior year in college and then a liver transplant while she was in grad school. In another, her chronic illness led to kidney failure and her first kidney transplant junior year of college. She just had her second kidney transplant because her illness progressed and destroyed her transplant. Another of my friend's developed an aggressive bone cancer. Sophomore year, she had surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy. Still finished school and is married with a good career. I could go on with other examples because a lot of people have significant health issues. The vast majority continue to move ahead with their life goals.

Second, if you are unhappy and truly wanted to change, your choices don't make sense. Why you would refuse medication recommended for your "embarrassing" intrusive thoughts? Why would jaw/ear popping prevent you from going to class or applying for a better job? Is it possible you're using these as crutches so that you don't have to push yourself?

Ditto for claiming you have to live at home because you live in an expensive city. Unless you're looking at LDRs, prospective dates face the same cost of living issues. If they (and their friends) figured out a way to find decent-paying jobs and live independently of their parents, then your excuses will be just that...excuses or attempts to get pity dates. Those never work, certainly not in the long run.

I've tried medication this past year probably after I've posted the thread you read about. And it actually made me feel worse due to the problem I'm dealing with. I think what I'm dealing with is some sort of problem affecting my nerves. I literally feel burning in my head & ears & almost like I don't feel anxiety anymore. Just more like a burning feeling in my body. I thought it was something to do with my brain in general but I had a brain MRI done back in February & that came back normal too. I just feel it's just affecting me because I can't stop thinking about the issue at hand & it affects me from trying to do things I should be doing. I just hate that I'd pretty much have to force myself to do things without really enjoying them.

And I get that but dealing with a bunch of health issues all at once is rough. I think it's dealing with depression is what's affecting me more so than anything else. But I've tried medication for it yet it just makes me feel worse due to this whole burning nerve issue or whatever it is that doctors haven't been able to help me with. It's just it would be so much to have to mention to a potential date that it always makes me wonder if I should even bother. As you said they probably wouldn't understand & would just think I'm making excuses. I honestly don't know really.

And it wouldn't make sense for me to move out right now with not having enough saved up to do so. If someone has a problem with me still living at home than so be it. My friend is 33 & still lives at home yet even while having a decent job. I know of someone else that's 34 that's still living with relatives.

Edited September 5, 2016 by NJ123

September 5, 2016

I'm not trying to give you a hard time, but people have careers despite having all types of serious illnesses and discomfort.

If you feel you're too ill to focus on finishing school or finding a better job, then how are you going to have the wherewithal to focus on dating let alone maintaining a relationship. Work on getting your life and issues squared away first since they are preventing you from taking care of the basics in your own life (i.e. working, living independently).

September 5, 2016

I'm not trying to give you a hard time, but people have careers despite having all types of serious illnesses and discomfort.

If you feel you're too ill to focus on finishing school or finding a better job, then how are you going to have the wherewithal to focus on dating let alone maintaining a relationship. Work on getting your life and issues squared away first since they are preventing you from taking care of the basics in your own life (i.e. working, living independently).

The problem with that is I have been trying for so long yet as I said no one has been able to help me. So how am I supposed to get better? My primary doctor literally thinks I'm crazy at this point since he thinks nothing is wrong with me when I tell him all my symptoms. It's like why am I being punished for trying to get better. Why can't anyone seem to help me no matter who I go to & all they do is just send me on my way out the door & I'm still stuck with all the same issues. And as I said the longer I wait to try to meet anyone the less options I'll have than I even do now. It's like either way I'm screwed basically.

September 5, 2016

And it wouldn't make sense for me to move out right now with not having enough saved up to do so. If someone has a problem with me still living at home than so be it. My friend is 33 & still lives at home yet even while having a decent job. I know of someone else that's 34 that's still living with relatives.

So, if I understand your line of reasoning here, you expect a woman who lives independently and has her stuff together to date you despite the fact that you live at home, won't find a decent job, and won't finish school because you have two friends who also live at home?

Why wouldn't she just go date some other guy who has his life together like her?

September 5, 2016

The problem with that is I have been trying for so long yet as I said no one has been able to help me. So how am I supposed to get better? My primary doctor literally thinks I'm crazy at this point since he thinks nothing is wrong with me when I tell him all my symptoms. It's like why am I being punished for trying to get better. Why can't anyone seem to help me no matter who I go to & all they do is just send me on my way out the door & I'm still stuck with all the same issues. And as I said the longer I wait to try to meet anyone the less options I'll have than I even do now. It's like either way I'm screwed basically.

What does your psychiatrist suggest? I assume your primary care physician wasn't treating you for your intrusive thoughts.

September 5, 2016

So, if I understand your line of reasoning here, you expect a woman who lives independently and has her stuff together to date you despite the fact that you live at home, won't find a decent job, and won't finish school because you have two friends who also live at home?

Why wouldn't she just go date some other guy who has his life together like her?

I'm just saying that there's plenty of other people that live at home at older ages yet have no problems at all getting dates & whatever else. And I do have an associates degree at the moment, but I'd like to try to get a bachelors eventually. I was thinking of maybe taking some online courses in the winter. Just have to figure out what I want to do though.

September 5, 2016

Then ask these people who live at home with their parents for advice and pointers.

September 5, 2016

What does your psychiatrist suggest? I assume your primary care physician wasn't treating you for your intrusive thoughts.

All she said was to take muscle relaxants lol. I was on antibiotics like 4 times for some of my symptoms & never helped. Tried Z-Pack among other things. Went on muscle relaxants for a long time, never helped. Went to physical therapist who thought my MRI of my TMJ would show something but nope. Went to 2 ENTs in the past, but neither found anything wrong & suggested whatever it is would go away on it's own I'm just at a loss as I'm still here with these symptoms. It's like what the hell do I do if I'm not getting better. I don't want to go the rest of my life dealing with these symptoms.

September 5, 2016

Then ask these people who live at home with their parents for advice and pointers.

He does give me advice about things. I just don't think living at home is maybe not as big of a deal as a lot of people make it seem to be. Some would consider it a deal breaker but not anywhere close to everyone.

September 5, 2016

All she said was to take muscle relaxants lol. I was on antibiotics like 4 times for some of my symptoms & never helped. Tried Z-Pack among other things. Went on muscle relaxants for a long time, never helped. Went to physical therapist who thought my MRI of my TMJ would show something but nope. Went to 2 ENTs in the past, but neither found anything wrong & suggested whatever it is would go away on it's own I'm just at a loss as I'm still here with these symptoms. It's like what the hell do I do if I'm not getting better. I don't want to go the rest of my life dealing with these symptoms.

You try medical marijuana? They grow strains that have very little THC (the chemical that gets you high) but has a high concentration of the chemical CBD which helps with many things like neurological disorders, inflammation, and pain. Most would think you just get a dime bag and blow a rocket, but it's not like that at all. You can get candies, drops, suckers, cookies, brownies or creams. The stuff works miracles. Maybe this would be your last hope??

September 5, 2016

You try medical marijuana? They grow strains that have very little THC (the chemical that gets you high) but has a high concentration of the chemical CBD which helps with many things like neurological disorders, inflammation, and pain. Most would think you just get a dime bag and blow a rocket, but it's not like that at all. You can get candies, drops, suckers, cookies, brownies or creams. The stuff works miracles. Maybe this would be your last hope??

I'm too afraid to try weed since my friend had a really bad reaction to it & had to go to the hospital after trying the brownies.

September 5, 2016

He does give me advice about things. I just don't think living at home is maybe not as big of a deal as a lot of people make it seem to be. Some would consider it a deal breaker but not anywhere close to everyone.

Since many women have no problem with you living at home in your thirties, have at it and date away!

Although, why did you start a thread asking how to "white lie" around that fact?

In case you've forgotten, from the original post:

I'm just wondering is it ever okay to kind of lie or at least work around having to say something that would probably be a turnoff about certain things?
......

where it's not an outright lie but is maybe a white lie or isn't lying in the way you say it? I'm just asking since I just got unmatched by a woman for saying I didn't live on my own yet after she asked. How could I have worked around that without actually lying where they wouldn't have gotten turned off?

September 5, 2016

Since many women have no problem with you living at home in your thirties, have at it and date away!

Although, why did you start a thread asking how to "white lie" around that fact?

In case you've forgotten, from the original post:

lol seems you're being sarcastic in that due to you having a problem with it yourself.

And yeah I did but that particular woman was in her early 40s. That woman just seemed really demanding. She was asking so many questions after only 10 minutes of texting about if I own a car or rent or own my home. Is it normal to ask such questions right away like that or would you consider that rude?

September 5, 2016

Ha ha! I guess I was being a little sarcastic. You contradict yourself a little in your posts. Just thought I would point that out. Seriously though, I think you could push yourself more than you are.

With respect to this woman, I'm going to guess the answer to both of her questions is no.

If you felt she was rude, then you aren't a match.

September 5, 2016

Ha ha! I guess I was being a little sarcastic. You contradict yourself a little in your posts. Just thought I would point that out. Seriously though, I think you could push yourself more than you are.

With respect to this woman, I'm going to guess the answer to both of her questions is no.

If you felt she was rude, then you aren't a match.

Wow, you think that little of me that you think I don't even own a car. I do own a car & pay the insurance myself!

And how do I contradict myself? Because of the whole thing with mentioning white lie about the living situation? I should have mentioned her age in the original post so a 40 something year old likely wouldn't be okay with a guy living with parents still. But oh well, there's women that don't care judging by my friend getting dates while still living at home. He actually just went on a date last week. I was asking about that due to what just happened to me I guess out of frustration but there's of course women that wouldn't care.

And yeah we definitely weren't a match since I felt she was a bit rude in how she just unmatched me out of nowhere without even saying sorry we wouldn't be a match. As well as asking questions like that a few minutes after we chatted. I'd rather her just stop responding than to just outright unmatch me. To me that's almost like hanging up the phone on someone since I was replying back to her & it just kept saying sending but it wouldn't then I checked & it showed that she unmatched me.

Edited September 5, 2016 by NJ123

September 5, 2016

Then why were you so offended when she asked if you drove? I don't get it.

If she unmatched you, then yeah, you definitely weren't a match.

Since your live-at-home friend is drowning in dates, ask him to send some of the women he's not dating your way.

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Are there ways to say certain things without outright lying during dating?

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