Bill399 Posted September 4, 2016 Posted September 4, 2016 Hey guys, first time posting here so excuse me if I'm doing this wrong but my girlfriend for 1 year told me she wanted to take a break to love herself and figure herself out. I allowed it and we quickly got back together in a week which was her call and now she is breaking up with me 2 months later because she has lost feelings for me and doesn't want to be in a relationship at the moment. It's only been a day since we broke up and the only thing she can say is that she's sorry. She wants to be friends but i want her to start loving me again but i have no idea how too. thanks for hearing me out guys! 1
Lansing Posted September 4, 2016 Posted September 4, 2016 Hi Bill, I know that is sucks at this moment but the reality is that the relationship is over. She probably wasn't 100% sure so she wanted to take you back (even for the dumper breaking up often sucks) but now that she has ended it again you need to accept that it is over and to start your healing process. One powerful thing you can do is to start "No Contact" . There are several threads on it here and it really will go a long way for you to heal and eventually to move on with someone else. 2
Author Bill399 Posted September 4, 2016 Author Posted September 4, 2016 thanks for your opinion, it means a lot but do you think it'll be okay to be friends with my ex? We still like having each other's company as friends and we really enjoy talking to each other 1
Lansing Posted September 4, 2016 Posted September 4, 2016 Honestly, no, not now. I have only managed to stay actual friends with one of my exs. We were friends before we started dating and really had a lot in common and enjoyed each others company. I was more upset about losing her friendship when we broke up than the actual relationship (as I felt like I wasn't going to marry her anyway, but, she broke up with me so it still hurt a lot). Anyway, the only way it worked out to be friends with her is not talking to her for over three months. I had time to heal and to process my feelings. I randomly ran into her at an event after that and then saw her a few more times out/about and we restarted our friendship. It was nothing like it was before hand but she went on to get engaged to someone new and I even went to her wedding. I get along with her husband as well. I don't see her that much anymore but I would still consider her a "friend". Anyway, I think the only way a friendship will ever work is if you give yourself time/distance. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted September 4, 2016 Posted September 4, 2016 Being friends right now is not a good idea. You still have feelings and believe me when I say it will hurt like hell when she does start dating someone else. You need a lot of time and space from her before you two can really be friends. 3
Satu Posted September 4, 2016 Posted September 4, 2016 The 'friends' thing is completely impractical. A friend is a friend. But you are someone who "wants her to start loving you again." Because you feel that way, its impossible for you to be her friend. You would have to pretend to be her friend. Don't do that. Here's a poem: To part now and parting now, Never to meet again; To have done for ever; I and thou, With joy, and so with pain. It is too hard, too hard to meet If we trust love no more; Those other meetings were too sweet That went before. And I would have, now love is over, An end to all, a end: I cannot, having been your lover, Stoop to become your friend. - Arthur Symons, "After love." It's hard to let go, but its worth the effort. Take care. 6
preraph Posted September 4, 2016 Posted September 4, 2016 Before you can be "just friends," first you have to move on and stop wanting her back, which means no contact for a long time and hope you find another girlfriend. 2
aloneinaz Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 My friend, she's dumped you twice now. She simply didn't fell it which is normal. People try each other on and then after time, don't see a long term fit. It happens all the time. I'd go NC right now. There's no reason to have any further contact w/her. The "we can still be friends is simply stated to let you off the hook as easy as possible". In all likelihood, she doesn't want to be friends nor should you want to be friends with her for a few years. Can you be friends w/an ex in the future? Absolutely. I'm on great terms w/most of my ex GF's. But, the reality is years had past and all the emotions were gone before we'd catch up on FB and see how our lives were going. Do I hang out w/any of them, nope. 1
Author Bill399 Posted September 7, 2016 Author Posted September 7, 2016 Okay so i listened to your guys advice and stop talking to her. We ended on perfectly good terms. No one was mad and we both said one day we could be friends. But 2 days later her and my best friend for 7 years called me and said they're in love with each other and they wanna start dating. My friend said if I'm uncomfortable which i am then he won't date her but i don't wanna ruin his mood for who knows how long. please help guys. 1
gimlynick Posted September 7, 2016 Posted September 7, 2016 Sorry, you can't be friends right now. Heal first. She has dumped you. Now it's your time to show her that you can live without her. It is possible. It takes a lot of time and a lot of crying and wishing her back. But one day you'll understand that this wasn't meant to be. Maybe that day you can consider to be friends again. Not earlier. 1
LD1990 Posted September 7, 2016 Posted September 7, 2016 Okay so i listened to your guys advice and stop talking to her. We ended on perfectly good terms. No one was mad and we both said one day we could be friends. But 2 days later her and my best friend for 7 years called me and said they're in love with each other and they wanna start dating. My friend said if I'm uncomfortable which i am then he won't date her but i don't wanna ruin his mood for who knows how long. please help guys. Cut both those people out of your life, man. You've been broken up with her less than a week and already, she and your best friend are "in love"? Doesn't sound like much of a best friend. 1
Author Bill399 Posted September 7, 2016 Author Posted September 7, 2016 (edited) he confessed to me last night that he's been in love with her 3 months after we got together & i told him I'm gonna cut him off & he said he doesn't want to date her anymore cause he rather have me instead. But the thing that bothers me that he actually wanted to date her. Edited September 7, 2016 by Bill399 1
ExpatInItaly Posted September 7, 2016 Posted September 7, 2016 he confessed to me last night that he's been in love with her 3 months after we got together & i told him I'm gonna cut him off & he said he doesn't want to date her anymore cause he rather have me instead. But the thing that bothers me that he actually wanted to date her. Ouch. You don't need these people in your life. For her to have called you too means she has been talking to him without your knowledge for some time. They planned to tell you together. It wasn't just him admitting he likes her; she feels the same about him and he knew that. This guy isn't your friend. Things were clearly happening between them behind your back. I don't necessarily mean she was physically cheating (though it's possible) but there almost surely was an emotional affair happening. Two people don't suddenly announce they're in love without having had some type of relationship leading up to this revelation. This has been brewing between them for a while. A true friend wouldn't have even gone there to begin with. Neither would a good girlfriend. 1
Author Bill399 Posted September 7, 2016 Author Posted September 7, 2016 yea because they use to always talk about our relationship problems.i never said anything cause i always felt like a best friend wouldn't even think about doing that. He told me he won't go out with her. Should i still be his friend? It's hard to accept the fact that he even thought about going out with her. 1
Satu Posted September 7, 2016 Posted September 7, 2016 She should go STRICT no contact with both of them. If you value yourself, you will do this. If you don't, you can look forward to a long stretch of misery. Your choice. Take care. 1
aloneinaz Posted September 7, 2016 Posted September 7, 2016 She should go STRICT no contact with both of them. If you value yourself, you will do this. If you don't, you can look forward to a long stretch of misery. Your choice. Take care. This^ I'd also suspect there was something going on behind your back. Interesting that she broke up with you a couple of months ago. I wonder if he had anything to do with it? Either way, they both should really be dead to you now. He's clearly not your friend and she's finished w/you. There's nothing left to say to either. Seriously, save your pride and self esteem. Change you phone number so neither can contact you and vanish from both their lives. You'll get over it and meet someone better down the road. 1
Formerfiveo Posted September 7, 2016 Posted September 7, 2016 Look, the reason he wants the green light from you to date her is so that they won't feel any guilt for having started this behind your back. And him saying that he won't if you have a problem with it is pure BS. They're going to be together no matter what, and if you tell him you have a problem with it, your ex is only going to hate you. Neither of them are concerned about your feelings...only theirs. You're the only one who's going to be looking out for you. Listen to Satu and cut them both out of your life. Go NC on them both, block all methods of communication ESPECIALLY social media (you don't want to see pics of the happy couple!) and take some time for yourself to mourn, heal, and move on. Sending you hugs!
ExpatInItaly Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 yea because they use to always talk about our relationship problems.i never said anything cause i always felt like a best friend wouldn't even think about doing that. He told me he won't go out with her. Should i still be his friend? It's hard to accept the fact that he even thought about going out with her. No, you shouldn't. They weren't only talking about your relationship problems, OP. He was using that as an opportunity to get close to her. I'll say it again: This guy is not your friend.
ShineOn Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 I agree with everyone else. This is not a situation you want to be close to in any way. Cut them both out and move on. Friends and girlfriends both come and go. I'm sorry that it happened that you are dealing with losing both at the same time, but you are going to be hurt worse if you don't stand up for yourself now. And that doesn't mean saying that you don't want them to date and hope everything will be fine. It means...wishing them well, telling them to do whatever they want (because they are going to anyway) and make new friends and take care of yourself. That is the ONLY control you have over this situation.
Captivating Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 he confessed to me last night that he's been in love with her 3 months after we got together & i told him I'm gonna cut him off & he said he doesn't want to date her anymore cause he rather have me instead. But the thing that bothers me that he actually wanted to date her. Unfortunately we cannot control whom we fall in love with. This is a messy situation. Your friend feels awful about it too, I don't think that he wants to lose your friendship. It's hard to suggest anything what to do. Obviously your situation is the hardest.
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