Recent break up but it isn't heart wrenching

[LC100]

So first a little back story on the situation:

 

I met this girl probably 10 years ago while we were both working at a restaurant in my early 20's. She was 18 at the time and we became instant friends. I wasn't looking for anything because it was a very difficult time in my life, and she was young, but there was definitely an unmistakable connection. About a year after we met she started dating a guy, whom she would continue to date on and off for the next 8 years.

 

We kept in touch over the years and hung out multiple times when I came home on leave from overseas in the Army. Always as friends and we always had a blast. The connection was always there. She would cry to me about things that were going on in her relationship, etc. It was a solid, good friendship, but at arms length.

 

Fast forward to this past March. I had been home out of the Army for coming up on two years. We spoke a few times over that period but nothing more than a simple "how are things? been a while" type thing. I had just started working for a large business in town and was in the cafeteria getting breakfast when I heard my name. Low and behold it was her. We instantly connected again like we just saw each other yesterday, kept it short as I had to get back to work. I saw her one other time and it was the same. Everyone noticed that there was a connection between us, but I assumed she was still with her boyfriend of 8 years.

 

Then one day something inside of me said I should pursue this woman, so I contacted her and asked if she would like to go get a drink sometime. She said yes, and we made a date. We caught up with each other and our lives and she said she had just dumped her boyfriend in January. I was sad for her, but also excited. We went out once more and then next thing you know we are "having a good time" so to speak. We kept it that way for about a month, but we both knew there was something more there. We talked about it and decided to see where things go. (I know, rebound guy here) Over the course of the next few months we had an absolute blast together. She started a new career (her dream job), we went on a 10 day vacation over the 4th of July, she introduced me to her friends and family. Things were legitimately amazing, and we both acknowledged that. We always have and always will be very honest and upfront with each other.

 

Her friends confided in me that this is the happiest they have seen her in many years, her family loves me and said the same things. They all saw the connection we have. She would tell me how it felt like I had been there all along, that everything feels so right, that I am exactly what what she has always been wanted, and that she see's a real future between us.

 

I noticed things were going too fast, since she obviously is still trying to get over her ex. It can't be easy for her since it was such a long relationship, more like a marriage but very dysfunctional and one sided (her putting in 100% effort and him treating her more like a roomate/friend). I knew her heart wasn't ready for more and I was going to talk to her about slowing things down. As circumstance has it, the day I was going to talk to her I got a call that my grandmother had passed away. It hit me emotionally quite bad, and I was also dealing with my mentally unstable brother at the time, which has been also extremely emotionally taxing.

 

I went out of town for the funeral and when I came back her and I seemingly picked up where we left off before I left for a week, but I knew something wasn't right, but I chalked it up to my emotional state and her being under a lot of stress at work and in the process of buying a new house.

 

Then one day we had "the talk". She came over and spilled her guts about everything and it was extremely emotional, and she was crying like I have never seen her cry before. It all came suddenly to her the previous day when her mom asked how we were doing. After a bit of talking, she realized something. My feelings for her were growing stronger, and she pulled back and she didn't know why. She was confused and she wants to give me 100% but couldn't right now because she is still getting over her ex. She was very honest. She said that the relationship with him had been on again and off again for many years and left her crying herself to sleep most nights. This is the longest they have ever been apart. This is the first time she has ever had "very very very very strong feelings for anyone else but him", and "that I had gone to a place in her heart that only one other person ever has".

 

She said to get her a couple of weeks to see if she can figure out what she needs to do. She wanted to make sure she was making the right decisions in her life. I reluctantly agreed, but did not plead with her. I decided to just be supportive of her and give her the time and space she asked for. We set a date to meet back up 2 1/2 weeks later, and we kissed and went our separate ways. Of course during this time I was in a very high emotional state, but kept my distance and was only supportive of her. Her birthday fell over this time, and she was also closing and moving into her new house during this time. I had already bought her a birthday present about a month ago, and asked her mom if I could leave it with her to give to my GF when she felt the time was right (which she did and my GF loved it. Perfect gift.). It was more of a birthday/house warming present. We spoke a few times during this "break" but nothing about our relationship, just seeing how each other were and we kept it short.

 

We finally met back up and discussed what was going on, and how to move forward. She said she really appreciates me being there for her and it means so much. I have made her realize so many things and how things should be. That she is sorry for starting something that she cant finish at the moment, and she doesn't know when she will be able to. That I should know that this was so much more than just a good time for her. And that one day she will know, and what needs to come together, will. She needs to put 100% of her emotional energy into getting over her ex and that it isn't fair to me if she is one foot in and one foot out of our relationship.

 

I told her that I wanted to be with her, that I can't just be friends with her, that she is the most amazing woman I have ever been with, and that I really do hope she can move on from her past and live a better future. I didn't plead or profess my love. I just said what was in my heart. We were on the same page about everything and that right now we have to go our separate ways. I agree, but I told her that if she ever feels that she is able to give this a real shot, reach out to me and if I am around and willing, I would love to give this a chance.

 

We gathered her things, said our goodbyes, before she got in her car I grabbed her face, gave her a long kiss, a hug, and said don't forget about me. I could tell she was holding back tears as she got in her car and drove off.

 

Later that day she texted me "Not a single moment was a bad one what so ever You have shown me a whole other side to how a relationship can be and I am thankful for that. I don't want you to be a stranger, and if I'm ever ready and you're around I will most certainly let you know. I'm glad to see that there are real men out there still."

 

I have decided to go no contact with her for at minimum a month, probably more. If she texts or calls I will be polite and keep it short.

 

This isn't my first relationship or my first love. However this is the first time I have felt "this" way about anybody before, and the first time that things just so naturally fell into place between us. Nothing was forced, and it was a genuinely happy relationship together. Every other time I have broken up with a girl (or been broken up with), I immediately felt that they were gone forever and it wasn't terribly hard to move on. With this girl though, I don't have the same feeling. It doesn't feel as if she is gone forever. Perhaps I am being naive, and I understand that my emotions are probably at play here. But I have always trusted my heart and my instincts, and this time my heart and my instincts say that her and I aren't over completely, just over right now (I am also fairly religious...). I don't have that heart wrenching pain in my chest that I have felt every other time things have ended with someone. There is just a calming, deep sadness. I do really love this woman, and want nothing but the best for her.

 

I am willing to let her go and I am genuinely happy with my life, but I can't shake the feeling that we will meet again in the future and the timing will be perfect.

 

Am I crazy?

Edited September 4, 2016 by LC100

[marky00]

I find the heart wrenching pain kicks in after a few weeks no contact. The first couple of weeks your heart suffers less due to the ruminating and the little bit of hope that exists.

 

 

You see, she has definitely let you down in the nicest way possible but that may be the problem here. Your not feeling massively hurt because well right now you haven't been massively hurt (by her words at least).

 

 

But in a month or so when there is total silence and thus her words or lack thereof line up with her actions, the heartache may kick in then.

 

 

I do know what you mean but. There are certain relationships that end and you definitely have that feeling that if you pleaded etc, you could turn it around. And you know what you probably could because she does care in a way. But, even if that did happen it wouldn't last for long because she doesn't care enough.

Edited September 4, 2016 by marky00

[asphyxis]

It took a week for the "gut wrenching" feeling to kick in, and by then, I felt insane. The first 2 days just felt like a sting, I was mad. We had fought which lead to the break up. No big deal, I could tough through it - his fault. Everything came down on me when I realized that it was for good. He didn't unfriend me at first on Facebook but restricted me. It sank in, and that's when I started deleting. I should have blocked sooner.

 

Just because it doesn't hurt now doesn't mean it won't. Break ups aren't lateral, the emotional processing happens at all different times. Make sure you start to surround yourself with loved ones and get into hobbies.

[aloneinaz]

I think what is complicating this situation for you is that you've known her off/on for years as just a pal. It then turned into a physical R/S at a time when she wasn't ready due to her recent ending of her previous R/S.

 

IDK, I'm on the fence as to believing her about saying the timing was wrong right now for her to start a new R/S w/you. If the connection was as strong as you believed, would she really risk ending it vs. asking to maybe slow down the bus a bit while you still saw each other and she worked through her stuff? Would she want to risk you meeting and falling for someone else?

 

I know a lot of folks who got out of very long relationships. They were not healed yet from them when they stumbled into a new R/S they weren't necessarily looking for. If the connection was right, they continued on w/the R/S and a few ended up marrying.

 

I also believe that most folks over the age of 20 are at some stage of getting over there last R/S when they are dating or starting a new R/S. Is anyone REALLY, completely 100% over their last ex when they start dating again? I don't think so. Many times the starting of new R/S helps them get 100% over their last one, especially if the new one is better.

Edited September 5, 2016 by aloneinaz

[LC100]

I think what is complicating this situation for you is that you've known her off/on for years as just a pal. It then turned into a physical R/S at a time when she wasn't ready due to her recent ending of her previous R/S.

 

IDK, I'm on the fence as to believing her about saying the timing was wrong right now for her to start a new R/S w/you. If the connection was as strong as you believed, would she really risk ending it vs. asking to maybe slow down the bus a bit while you still saw each other and she worked through her stuff? Would she want to risk you meeting and falling for someone else?

 

I know a lot of folks who got out of very long relationships. They were not healed yet from them when they stumbled into a new R/S they weren't necessarily looking for. If the connection was right, they continued on w/the R/S and a few ended up marrying.

 

I also believe that most folks over the age of 20 are at some stage of getting over there last R/S when they are dating or starting a new R/S. Is anyone REALLY, completely 100% over their last ex when they start dating again? I don't think so. Many times the starting of new R/S helps them get 100% over their last one, especially if the new one is better.

 

I agree with a lot of what you have said. The connection was really strong, but I do agree with her about her needing to get over her past before she can focus on the future. So while the connection may have been incredibly strong, she is the type of person that will cause herself hurt rather than hurting another person anymore. So I look at it more as ending it before anything between us got bad since we do respect each other and care for each other. This is a good thing in my eyes, despite the hurt. If we had continued on with it, eventually her emotional past was going to catch up with her completely and cause resentment between the two of us. Neither of us want that.

 

It was the mature and civil way to do things. We are both adults and on very good terms. While she may want to be with me, she knows what I want and deserve and at the moment she is unable to give that to me, so she doesn't want to stop me from possibly finding that. She straight out said it would hurt incredibly much to see me with somebody else, but she wants me to be with somebody that can give me their whole heart. Right now it isn't her. I know what she wants and deserves too, but at the moment she is unable to receive that. She may eventually, she may not. Her decision to focus completely on getting over her pain may seem selfish, but it is also what is necessary.

 

I believe that since things did end so well and on good terms, there will be absolutely zero bad memories for her and only good. That's what it will be for me as well. If and when she has moved on from her past and she is ready for something serious, I know she will contact me letting me know she wants to reconnect because she will have all these great memories and no bad ones to sour them. However nobody knows when that will be, and I may or may not be in a place that I am available or ready for that. So in a sense it feels a bit empowering to know that I will have the ultimate decision in the end.

 

In the mean time I am not going to dwell on it, contact her, or like her facebook and instagram posts. I am simply going to disappear from her life and give her the time and space she requires. If she truly cares about me she will contact me. If not, I will have been making myself better and moving on so it won't matter after a while. It's a win-win situation for me, while for her it is now a huge question mark. If and when she gets over her past, she knows that what we had was incredibly special and that I am everything she has ever wanted. But will I want her? Is she everything I have ever wanted? Will I have moved on? Do I still care about her? Do I hate her? Did she just throw away the best thing to happen to her? These are the questions that will be going through her mind.

 

I've had many relationships throughout my life and I have learned that while it is incredibly hard being the dumpee at first, it is actually much harder being the dumper in the long run. After your head clears of all the confusion, you find out who you are, what you want, and you start to realize that the person you dumped actually was somebody you want to be with (as long as there are no deal breakers involved), you are left with a much more lasting pain. Eventually you always reach out to that person to try and reconcile because you just have to know. I've been there and by the time I reached out, they wanted nothing to do with me because I had broken their heart either too many times or was a complete jackass, or they had moved on to something better.

 

Everything happens for a reason. The whole "bad timing" thing is never "bad timing". It's the perfect timing for what we need right now. She needed to see what a real man was like and that her past relationship really was as broken as she suspected. It sets her up for a much "easier" time getting over it and being sure of her decision to end that. She will heal quicker because she has seen that the grass actually is greener on the other side. As for me, it has shown me the qualities I really do want in a partner, as I had settled so many times in the past. We have both "set the standard", per se, for each other. That was the only relationship she had ever been in, so she never knew anything else. So yes, the timing was perfect for both of us. It's just the timing isn't perfect to be with each other. Will it ever? Only time will tell.

 

So I guess what I am dealing with right now is definitely pain and heartbreak, but it's coupled with a deep understanding of the situation and really knowing that it was nothing I did wrong, and that we did share something beautiful with each other. I will have good and bad days but it won't stop me from enjoying life and trying to make myself better every single day. That's how I lived life before this, and it's going to be how I continue to live life until the day I die.

Edited September 5, 2016 by LC100

[ksol9]

Hi LC100,

 

I enjoyed reading your story. The one thing that stood out to me is that I believe the both of you are 2 level headed adults and that is admirable. She was very true to herself and you as well about her feelings. That is hard to come by. Most people, men and women, can allow things to get a little confusing and that is how people get hurt. I used to fear time apart. I used to feel that time apart meant that it wasn't true love and that if you truly found love, you just know. Now I know after many trials and tribulations, things aren't that easy. In fact, love is so complicated, but where there is faith, there is comfort. Comfort in knowing that all things will sort itself out.

 

I do believe time has a funny way of sorting things out. You are doing the right thing and I'm sure she respects you for that. There is a mutual respect between the both of you. Have faith in yourself, faith in time, and in the connection you both share. You will find your way back to eachother if it's meant to be.

[aloneinaz]

I agree with a lot of what you have said. The connection was really strong, but I do agree with her about her needing to get over her past before she can focus on the future. So while the connection may have been incredibly strong, she is the type of person that will cause herself hurt rather than hurting another person anymore. So I look at it more as ending it before anything between us got bad since we do respect each other and care for each other. This is a good thing in my eyes, despite the hurt. If we had continued on with it, eventually her emotional past was going to catch up with her completely and cause resentment between the two of us. Neither of us want that.

 

It was the mature and civil way to do things. We are both adults and on very good terms. While she may want to be with me, she knows what I want and deserve and at the moment she is unable to give that to me, so she doesn't want to stop me from possibly finding that. She straight out said it would hurt incredibly much to see me with somebody else, but she wants me to be with somebody that can give me their whole heart. Right now it isn't her. I know what she wants and deserves too, but at the moment she is unable to receive that. She may eventually, she may not. Her decision to focus completely on getting over her pain may seem selfish, but it is also what is necessary.

 

I believe that since things did end so well and on good terms, there will be absolutely zero bad memories for her and only good. That's what it will be for me as well. If and when she has moved on from her past and she is ready for something serious, I know she will contact me letting me know she wants to reconnect because she will have all these great memories and no bad ones to sour them. However nobody knows when that will be, and I may or may not be in a place that I am available or ready for that. So in a sense it feels a bit empowering to know that I will have the ultimate decision in the end.

 

In the mean time I am not going to dwell on it, contact her, or like her facebook and instagram posts. I am simply going to disappear from her life and give her the time and space she requires. If she truly cares about me she will contact me. If not, I will have been making myself better and moving on so it won't matter after a while. It's a win-win situation for me, while for her it is now a huge question mark. If and when she gets over her past, she knows that what we had was incredibly special and that I am everything she has ever wanted. But will I want her? Is she everything I have ever wanted? Will I have moved on? Do I still care about her? Do I hate her? Did she just throw away the best thing to happen to her? These are the questions that will be going through her mind.

 

I've had many relationships throughout my life and I have learned that while it is incredibly hard being the dumpee at first, it is actually much harder being the dumper in the long run. After your head clears of all the confusion, you find out who you are, what you want, and you start to realize that the person you dumped actually was somebody you want to be with (as long as there are no deal breakers involved), you are left with a much more lasting pain. Eventually you always reach out to that person to try and reconcile because you just have to know. I've been there and by the time I reached out, they wanted nothing to do with me because I had broken their heart either too many times or was a complete jackass, or they had moved on to something better.

 

Everything happens for a reason. The whole "bad timing" thing is never "bad timing". It's the perfect timing for what we need right now. She needed to see what a real man was like and that her past relationship really was as broken as she suspected. It sets her up for a much "easier" time getting over it and being sure of her decision to end that. She will heal quicker because she has seen that the grass actually is greener on the other side. As for me, it has shown me the qualities I really do want in a partner, as I had settled so many times in the past. We have both "set the standard", per se, for each other. That was the only relationship she had ever been in, so she never knew anything else. So yes, the timing was perfect for both of us. It's just the timing isn't perfect to be with each other. Will it ever? Only time will tell.

 

So I guess what I am dealing with right now is definitely pain and heartbreak, but it's coupled with a deep understanding of the situation and really knowing that it was nothing I did wrong, and that we did share something beautiful with each other. I will have good and bad days but it won't stop me from enjoying life and trying to make myself better every single day. That's how I lived life before this, and it's going to be how I continue to live life until the day I die.

 

What I liked about what you said here is that you're going to vanish from her life and HOPEFULLY have no contact w/her. Personally, I wouldn't want to see her social media while I was healing and moving on. I don't see how that wouldn't hurt on some level.

 

I'd just be mindful of the possibility that maybe she didn't feel it with you as her lover or significant other. You have to know there's a chance of that. Peoples "words" don't mean anything to me. Their actions are what counts. Her actions was she ended your romantic R/S.

 

If I was in your situation, I'd try to put her out of my head and move on, date others and see what transpires. Maybe you'll run into someone who rocks your world much more than she did. I just wouldn't count on her getting over her last R/S and then running back to you. I think that's what you're saying too.

[LC100]

Hi LC100,

 

I enjoyed reading your story. The one thing that stood out to me is that I believe the both of you are 2 level headed adults and that is admirable. She was very true to herself and you as well about her feelings. That is hard to come by. Most people, men and women, can allow things to get a little confusing and that is how people get hurt. I used to fear time apart. I used to feel that time apart meant that it wasn't true love and that if you truly found love, you just know. Now I know after many trials and tribulations, things aren't that easy. In fact, love is so complicated, but where there is faith, there is comfort. Comfort in knowing that all things will sort itself out.

 

I do believe time has a funny way of sorting things out. You are doing the right thing and I'm sure she respects you for that. There is a mutual respect between the both of you. Have faith in yourself, faith in time, and in the connection you both share. You will find your way back to eachother if it's meant to be.

 

That's pretty much exactly how I feel. I'm not lying to myself saying that we are soul mates and going to reconnect after a few months or years and live happily ever after. But there is a possibility. It's as if you apply for a job. You are hopeful that you get that job, but it doesn't mean you only apply for that one job.

 

I find comfort in that hope. Without hope there isn't much point living life. If you don't have hopes and dreams, you are pretty much just sitting there stagnant and unable to become a meaningful individual.