WTF?? Strange weight issues in relationship

[AliceW]

I just don't know what to make of this.

 

My BF has what strikes me as ****ed-up attitudes about weight. His mom is extremely thin, his sister was hopsitalized with an eating disorder while in college, and he himself thinks he is "fat" when he has the tiniest suggestion of extra flesh around his waist.

 

He has made various comments about weight issues that I find weird and a little disturbing: for example, that he likes my cat because he is "thin and elegant" and that he doesn't like fat cats, and one time he pissed me off by referring to an acquaintance of mine as "oh, the heavy one?" when he I mentioned her in conversation shortly aftre they met and he could not remember her name.

 

As if this weren't bad enough, he also seemed to have gotten it into his head to worry that I am going to get fat later in life. He seems to be basing this fear on the following things: my mother is pretty overweight (probably a size 16), my weight has fluctuated since we've been together (I first lost about 10 pounds [becoming extremely thin--actually medically underweight] and then gained about 15 pounds) since we met almost 2 years ago), and I have stated at various times that I don't think it's healthy to obsess about one's weight too much, beyond exercising regularly and eating well. I am about 8 pounds heavier than I was when we first met (I went from about 118 to about 108 to about 125 now).

 

I can see how some of those things would be a little worrisome, but my own habits are very good: I eat well (fruits and veggies and little fats/sweets), and since I gained some weight I've been going to the gym almost every day.

 

He is the only person who has ever made me feel fat in whole life. It's not like he is nasty to me or has said anything hurtful, but his attitude sucks, in my opinion.

 

This bothers me a lot. No one wants a partner to just let themselves go, but his tolerance levels seems extremely low, and this whole thing seems to have a tremendous importance in his mind that I don't quite understand.

 

The thing that's so hard is that he is a sweet, normal, thoughtful man in every other regard...he and his family just seem to have these really hard core attitudes about fat, and it really bothers me. I have every desire to remian healthy and not to get fat, but I don't want to grow old with someone who is going to feel that anything other than perfect sleekness is unattractiove and unacceptable.

 

I am mystified and I don't know what to do. I'm sure that some of you will say "he's an a**h*** and you should dump him," but the fact is he is really not...he just has this one bizarro atitude, and I don't want to break up a really good relationship over this, especially since he has never been unpleasant to me about this in any direct way. Also, it's not like I plan to get fat...it's just that his attitude really seems unhealthy, and I don't want to spend my life feeling unattractive and inadequate if I'm not built like a 25 year old athlete.

 

How can I assure him that I care about my weight and appearance except by doing what I'm already doing (working out and eating sensibly)??? When I bring this up he says that he worries more about the future, but for the life of me I don't understand why he worries about that. I am half seriously thinking that this could really be a deal breaker for me (I would not want to run the risk of a life of being made to feel physically unappealing by my own husband!), which is tragic because every other aspect of our relationship is either excellent or improving all the time, and because I don't think we fundamentally disagree with each other...being thin and attractive is important to me AND to him...I just think he may define "thin" differently and, in my opinion, too extremely. However, yesterday I asked him flat out if his attitudes about my current weight were anywhere near mine..I said I thought looked reasonably good right now as I am, that I would look my absolute best at about 10 pounds lighter, but I that I'd be happy with losing 5 pounds...and he said that seemed reasonable to him, and that he felt the same way about himself (meaning he wanted to lose weight too...at least he doesn't have a double standard!)

 

Does anyone have any insight into this? I can't quite understand why this became such an issue for me to the point of considering breaking up with him over it. I feel very anxious to try to resolve this somehow.

[laRubiaBonita]

loose him like the weight he wants you to drop!

 

you will not change his skewed thinking and body image problems....only He can with the help of a good therapy.

[moimeme]

If he won't seek help, you'll have a lifelong problem with this. No matter how many other good points he may have, he'll make your life miserable by foisting his issue on you since it seems to be a major theme in his life. So it's perfectly sensible that you want to break up with him over it. It colours his attitudes towards everything so it's not 'just one little flaw'!

[lostgurl21]

loose him like the weight he wants you to drop! [\quote]

I totally agree. Like us women don't have enough pressure to look a certain way, you don't need it comming right from the person you are dating.

 

I understand that in other aspects he is probably a really great guy, so if you want to stay with him you have to tell him that his obsessing over weight is not healthy for you emotionally and for the relationship. It sounds like it stems back quite a ways in his family since his sister had an eating disorder. He needs to get help for it and you need to tell him how it makes you feel.

[AliceW]

Are there any guys out there who have any comments or suggestions? I'm also interested in getting the male perspective on this issue....

[sophia34]

I may agree more with the other posters that this is not a problem that's going to go away easily and that if it really makes you feel that bad, you should probably leave the relationship. However, if he is great in every other way AND he is not verbally abusive in any way AND he does other things to make you feel valued, then I'll respect the fact that at this point, you're not ready to kick him to the curb.

 

So, given that, I would definitely do one major thing. I'd have a conversation with him and let him know that his obsession with weight issues wasn't healthy for ME and that I was no longer going to let it into my life. I'd let him know that every comment hurt and that if he loved me, he wouldn't hurt me like that. Really lay it all out and let him respond. Most important, let him know that this IS a dealbreaker for you--if the behavior continues, you're outta there. This is his first and hopefully, only, warning.

 

After you've talked it out with him this once, and in the process, letting him get out whatever issues he wants to get out, that should be the end of it. From then on out, every time he makes ANY comment about weight--whether it be yours, a friend's, or your cat's--remind him of that first conversation. Let him know that you are no longer going to tolerate it. Ignore it, change the subject immediately. Get up and leave the room if you need to, without any other comment. Don't reward the behavior by listening to it or giving any further reaction to it.

 

If he truly is as great as you say he is, he'll get the message over time and cut it out. If he's not, he'll actually escalate the behavior, letting you know that it really is time to move on.